What's happened to childhood?

I stumbled across these awful comments on a website that made me so sad.

"hi i just turned twelve and i really need some help my best friend is having a pool party in two weeks and my body is disgusting i cant even look at my self i weigh about 106 and im about 4’11 id really like some tips on how to become anorexic and fast thank =]"


"i am 5 4 and 110 and trying so hard not to eat, but sometimes i let it get the best of me. how do you only drink orange juice for breakfast and that is it. how do you stay motivated. do you exercise. help me i want to loose 15 lbs and be like nicole richie."


"I'm 11 years old..
i am 5’4 and 148.8 lbs.
i want to become skinny before the summer..
so i can go swimming at the public pool..
& wear my two peice..
and i dont want to feel down or disgusted of the way i look..
I always think of starving myself the next day..
but then i eat.."


There are so many more comments like this, all from such young girls. My heart really goes to them, I remember being 11 and thinking I was so fat. And wanting to not eat. 


This type of thing makes me scared to have kids, especially a girl, I'm scared she'll get an eating disorder and... god forbid have my terrible genes!


How are we meant to stop this 'want to be anorexic' pandemic? 
There are the obvious answers (stop skinny models/get more diversity in the media) but I think it's more deep rooted than this. What are we meant to do??

Christmas week recap.

What a week it's been! Lots of Christmas activities, but mainly work. I would normally complain but I got paid double today AND tomorrow. I feel very blessed to have this job,even if at times I don't like it.

On Christmas day I was feeling a little down and tired, but soon cheered up when playing family games with our fabulous cousins. I had NO issues with the food, and have been fine today. What a lovely change from last year...when I panicked all day about what I was eating. What a year can do eh? So no new years diet for me. Which funnily enough is how this blog started: with a new year's resolution to record my weight loss.

Great news: I got offered a job at my current temp job. Even though I don't like it all that much, it's improving gradually. I said I only want to work three days a week as I don't want my whole week to revolve around work. Now I just need some ideas of what to do for the other 4 days! Hopefully volunteering one day a week, and that leaves me 3 days of who knows what.

Good luck to you all for this next year.

2011...looking forward.

So, what do I want from this next year?

• To continue to grow in my faith, and become more involved in the church. 
• To continue in recovery, with no major relapses when I start university in September
• To go to 3 different countries.
• To make the transition from my home to uni easy and learn to cook so I actually have something to eat while there!
• To find a job I like for the remains of my gap year.
• To read LOTS of books. 
• To continue to blog.

This is a much better list from last year, which was, "Get through the year." 

Questions

1.What books should I read in 2011?

2. What films should I try and see in 2011?

Looking backwards...

This is a two part post, in the first I shall look back over the highs and lows of  2010, in part two I shall write about my hopes and worries for 2011. I invite you to do a similar post!


2010: The highs

• Well, passing my A levels and getting into my first choice university was my biggest highlight of the year.Finishing school forever, that's quite a big deal for me :)
• Competing  in 2 cheerleading competition, coming first and second. 
• I have read some AWESOME books : 'The Road' '1984' 'switchblade' 
• I can safely say, that eating disorder wise this year was better than last. I have tried to recover so many times (I see this as a good thing) and am starting to feel I may be getting somewhere!
• Best film of the year: no question, Harry Potter.
• The amazing Majorca holiday was a real highlight, and I discovered a lot about my self. 
• I continued in some brilliant friendships, notably my mentor R, my best friends C and H.

2010: The Lows

• This year I have made my way through 3 different jobs, each of which I have hated. Although maybe this should go in the positives because I have learnt a good deal from each job.
• Although I have felt better with my eating over all, I had some very low patches, some of my lowest yet.
• I have had some pretty shocking relationships. I have had only one boyfriend this year, and what a loser he was. Good riddance! I have had my taste of one night stands as well, and have decided they are not for me. 
• I had to quit cheerleading

I think this year has been a funny one. I have learnt a lot, not the easy way, still, learning is good! 

So I invite you to look back over your year, the highs and the lows. 

Update: I'm back!

My break is over, it lasted a whole week and a half!

Hey, guess what? I'm finally ready to talk about the sexual abuse that happened when I was younger with someone. I haven't had the courage or strength to ever talk about it properly, so I'm meeting up with my mentor and just going to spill out the memory, I see it like a purge of my past, getting the memory out, so hopefully it will have less power over me.

Right listen up: I NEED TO STOP DRINKING. I went out on Monday night, got far to drunk and ended up at some random guys house. Oupps! Luckily nothing major happened with him (I've decided not to have any more one night stands.) The next day I felt awful. I dragged myself to work and did my job very badly. This really isn't good enough, I need to stop this silliness.

Okay, I know this post is very here and there but I wanted to ask for some opinions about what I should do after January when my Christmas temporary job finishes.

Option one: When I finish working I take some time off working until February after a family holiday.
Option two: Start looking for a new job straight after I finish this one.
Possible option three: There is a small possibility that they might offer me a job, in which case I have no idea if I'd even want it, the people there aren't very nice.

If you were me, which would you do?

Taking a break.

I think I want a little space from blogging at the moment. I don't know how long I will be gone, it may be a few days, a week, or months, who knows!

Basically I am trying to get away from the loneliness of sitting on my laptop all day (I still love y'all but I need a life outside of the internet).

Let's see how long this lasts, knowing me, I'll have changed my mind by tonight.

Take care all!
xxx

Hope.

I want some hope for my life, a positive attitude for the future, I'm so so sick of being little miss depressed. I want to be happy and cheerful! I want a positive outlook on life.

So some background information on why I want hope. I've been panicking about after New year. My job is only for Christmas so after that I have no plans. I'm worried that I will slip back into my depressed state of sleeping, crying and generally doing nothing all day. I'm thinking maybe some volunteer work for a few months. My church run a charity that gives furniture to the poor, they also have a venue for the homeless, just to chat and give them coffee and toast and they do their laundry. So I might volunteer with them. I am also going to join the churches soup run which goes around the street giving the homeless food, drink, blankets and clothes.

Now...last post I asked a question about phobias. Someone wrote about the phobias that come with eating disorders. And it got me thinking about the past. About that moment before getting on the scales, the feeling of FEAR, apprehension and guilt. The moments when I remember with such clarity these times are when I so badly want full recovery. Food intake and ED thoughts have been okay this week, up and down. I looked at some old photos of myself which was quite triggering, and have felt embarrassed of my body, but I have not acted on any eating disordered thoughts. I am slowly learning to trust my body, even when I eat quite a lot for 3 days I don't even put on a pound, but if I did that when in the middle of the eating disorder my body would have clung on to the extra calories and I would have been like 4lbs up.

Oooh I'm so excited for xmas I am getting a camera so I will be able to put pictures with every post.

What a rambling post!

Everyday and questions.

I write a lot about my feelings on this blog, but not what I do day to day.

I tend to get up at about 9:30 - 10:00 I know, I know, how lucky am I! But I sleep quite badly so I still only get a few hours sleep. I take FAR too long to get ready for work (around 1 1/2 hours) , then eat breakfast (30g ready brek with sultanas, or golden syrup on the weekend). I leave for work at a lingerie shop where I am always put at the front of the shop to greet customers and help anyone out. I now know a lot about people's underwear habits.

At 6:40 I hop on my bus and go home to watch TV, blog or read. If I'm in a social mood I go out for a meal with my friends (sausage and mash every time).

Okay okay I admit that was very dull, if you read it all, well done to you, congratulations, you are very patient!

Questions
1. What is one thing you want to do before you die?
2. Do you have any phobias?

Don't say you know me, because I don't know me.

Some snippets of what people have said they know about me:
"You're an introvert."

"You're an extrovert."

"You're a snob."

"You're a slag."

"You're loud."

"You're quiet."

"You're creative."

"You're not very artistic."

I can't put up with other people telling me who I am. I'm confused enough as it is!! I think I'm being friendly and chatty then later the person tells me they thought I was really cold with them. 

Answers anyone? Anyone else fancy telling me who I am? Because I have no. fucking. clue. 

I shall never be skinny. Time to accept.

I shall never be underweight. I shall never reach the weight I want to. I shall never have poker thin legs. I shall never be the thinnest. It isn't in my genes, or my bone structure, I'm a woman so I have hips and a bum. So what? Does that make me a bad person? No. Does having cellulite make me less of a person than you? No. Judge me by how I act not how many calories I eat a day.

I'm standing up against my eating disorder. I am not defined by a number, I am defined by who I am and what I do.

How the date went.

The date.

Started as the majority of dates start, a little awkwardly, but it soon warmed up as we walked around my city, and ended up in a secluded bar. He's clever, HOT, ambitious and has a sense of humour (plus he can kiss good teehee). But the weird thing is I have no feelings about it. I don't care if he texts, I don't care if he doesn't. He did text, and I am staying at his next week. This is another thing, I don't really care about what is going to happen. We will probably have sex. I don't care. I'm in a very promiscuous mood, and as awful as it is I am probably using him for sex. Judge me if you want, I'm just being honest.

Recently I thought about why I'm so...well....messed up. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me. I have a stable family. I have had a good education and am physically healthy. So why the hell am I so down? Why did I develop bulimia? Why do I do stuff which I know will mess me up later? WHY AM I SO SELF DESTRUCTIVE? I can blame no one but myself. This is my fault, I can't blame any experience in my life. It's my own selfish, attention seeking self. 

I really dislike me.   

not that bothered about life.

I can tell I'm in self destruct mode at the moment. I don't care about meal plans. I don't care about looking after myself. I don't care about self respect. I'm just sleeping around and drinking. I'm neglecting my family and my real friends. If life was a piece of homework, I'd get a 'D' at the moment.

Sooo as I promised some updated pictures of me, I will probably delete them in a few weeks time depending on how my paranoia treats me! I just looked through my photos and I can't find any I like sooo maybe not!! I'll put up pictures when I find some I don't mind. 

QUESTION TIME!

What do I wear to a date which will include ice skating and maybe shopping? 

I hate meal plans.

Meal plans are so difficult, to write and to keep to.
Today's intake:
Breakfast: 30g ready brek with water. (120C)
Lunch: Light Caesar salad (174C)
Dinner: Chicken caserole with rice (600ish)
Snack: Yoghurt (190C)
Total: 1083. That makes me feel very fat.

My work is going okay, I am slowly getting to know the job and I got a chance to chat to some of the other people today which was progress!
I have a date on Sunday! Oooohhhhhh crap I'm scared...I don't tend to make a great first impression and I haven't been on a first date for literally a year.

I think I have the wrong life goals. My goal at the moment is to make everything perfect. To improve everything. This is an UNREALISTIC goal, because life is never perfect. So I think my new life goal is to be content with what is happening, and not constantly trying to change everything. At the moment what I expect from life is: uni degree, work, marriage, kids. All before 30. But being realistic this probably won't happen, it might, but if it doesn't I can be just as happy!

Next post I am going to give you some photo updates :)

Loosing the will to type.

I have got a major case of the 'can't be bothered'. I have started about 5 blog posts and deleted them all half way through. So, I'll update you (if I have any readers left) on my past week.

I started my new job last week, I enjoy the actual work and being so busy, but the people...well..they seem a little cold and intimidating. I chatted to a few, but I can't be myself around them yet. In a moment of bravery I agreed to going to the Christmas meal which means I also have to take part in secret santa...crap. The boss is also the most scary person I have ever met. On first day, nay, my first hour I witnessed her shout at 4 different people. Wow.

I appear to be loosing weight. Not really on purpose. Just...my appetite has decreased. My daily intake is generally : a yoghurt, some soup, dinner, then a snack. I don't know, I just don't really feel like eating. Oh that reminds me I've quit counselling. Toooooo much effort!

So a few posts ago I asked you lovely girls for some dating advice, it worked! I went out partying and met a cute guy who I am going on a date with this week. Exciting stuff! Fingers crossed it goes well please.

I NEED SOME WRITING INSPIRATION.

New plan: DO NOT HAVE A PLAN.

My new 'life plan' is to NOT HAVE A PLAN! I'm trying really hard not to over think everything . This includes: my food intake, my exercise, my appearance, how my personality comes across etc etc. So to start my plan I'm not going to care that these pictures have nothing to do with this post and just enjoy them!

Triggers and questions on how to be single and date.

Last night I figured out another sad trigger. My old 6th form friends. We went out for a catch up dinner and I just felt inadequate and fat. I ended up in the bathroom purging dinner. I think it must be because my 6th form is where the eating disorder fully developed so I connect it with those ED feelings. I need to sort that out because I want to see my old friends and feel fine with myself.

Now. Questions on how to be single and date.
As a newly single girl, who hasn't really dated before (I either go straight into a relationship with a friend or just have one night things) I need some advice. How the hell do you find guys to date??? Where are these creatures? I have one lead which I hope will work - a work friend has a friend who is single (and a model) and she thinks we would go well together. I'll keep you updated. I just need some dating practise, get to terms with good dating etiquette, it's such a weird world. Any first date tips or tips on how to find dates would be much appreciated!

One good, one bad.

Let's get the negative out the way, we broke up, and it hurts. I miss him, but I know I've done the right thing. He wasn't good for me or my self esteem. And here I am, single again :) Here is the problem, his best friend is being REALLY inappropriate. Like telling me he loves me, that I mean a lot to him and just being really overly protective and weird. I don't know what to do.

NOW...the positive....I got a new job! In an amazing lingerie shop! It's only a Christmas job but the person told me there are openings for permanent jobs in January. It's part time so I'm finally going to have time to do all the gap year stuff I wanted to do.

Weight wise, I don't know what's going on, I need to get myself to the gym, but my food intake isn't too bad, I could really do with loosing 5lbs (but I could always do with loosing 5lbs!)

Thank you so much for the comments, they brighten my dark moments.

Break up day.

This evening I am going to break up with Him. Last night was the last straw.

We went out for a meal for his birthday which was a few days ago. It felt like we had nothing to talk about, it was just awkward. I asked if he wanted to go out for drinks after he said he had work to do. At the end of the date he told me him and his flat mates were going to watch a movie and I was invited, wow, funny kind of work. I just cant put up with him any more. I hadn't seem him for 2 weeks, he NEVER calls, and the only method of communication is text, and he only sends a couple a day. That's not a relationship.

But I'm scared, last night in bed I just cried and cried. I know it's silly but I'm really going to miss him. He is the only guy I've ever liked this much, and I'm just dreading after the break up, but I know I deserve more.

God I'm nervous.

That feeling of dread in your stomach.

I had an interview today for a job I REALLY wanted. They said they would get back to me tonight if I had it. It's not past 8, and I've got that sinking feeling in my stomach. I thought I'd done well in the interview, I felt confident. Now I feel defeated. I've never wanted a job so bad. Oh well. Welcome to the real world.
Your comments always uplift me by the way, it amazes me that people still read my ramblings with no structure.

Sooo it looks like I'm going to be staying at the job from hell. Oh well. At least the hours are so much that I eat less. Positive thinking. Pah.

Boy update: I get to see boy twice this week, lucky me!

Sometimes, I really like those scales.

I woke up and decided, if I weigh less than x amount I am allowed golden syrup on my porridge, if I way more than x I'm not. So I hopped on the scale (I haven't weighed myself for like 5 days) and I seemed to have lost 2 lbs without trying! This brought a rather large smile to my face.

So my last post was basically a rant about boy, but I'm not going to make this post about him, but basically, I'm giving it 3 weeks, if things haven't changed I'm ending it.

I have a question for you....how do you like sales assistants to act, and what do you really not like them doing.

Super short post I know!

Happiness comes before money.

I hate my job. It SUCKS. The only reason I'm still there is because I am broke and need to pay rent. I am however searching for a new job, with less hours. I'm giving out CV's today (fingers crossed please everyone!) There is this one girl that drives me mad (normally I am very patient and don't get irritated by much). She says at least 3 times a day "I shouldn't be working here I have a degree." She basically acts like the queen of the shop even though she's only been there 2 weeks and her sales figures are low.
I'm going for a job at a different jewellery shop which is soo lovely. I REALLY want this job. I'm going to go and give in my CV really enthusiastically.

It's the boyfriends birthday in a week and I need card ideas! I have already brought him tickets for his favourite piano composer (Ludovico Einauldi) and I'm taking him out for a meal. BUT what about the card?! I want to make one, I'm thinking maybe a funny collage of bad pictures of us together (we mostly take bad pictures). Thoughts?

Food wise things are going slowly. I am eating 3 meals and a snack in the evening. Yesterday was:
Breakfast: 30g ready brek with sultanas.
Lunch: a pear, a banana, a small chocolate bar.,
Dinner: Beef caserole.
Evening snack: 2 packets of crisps (embarrassed).
I don't really know what to do about my weight. I don't want to mega restrict, but I do want to loose weight. I think I will up my exercise routine and have healthier snacks!

Mrs D Mrs I Mrs FF I Mrs C Mrs U Mrs LTY!

Today I stabilized my intake a little:

Breakfast: Porridge with golden syrup.

Lunch: a pear, a ryvita, a yoghurt.

Dinner: Risotto. 

Snacks: Packet of crisps, 2 ryvita's, mine pie.

Actually, scratch that, that's BAD intake. Yuck. 

I'm being reckless at the moment. Not just reckless with my self, but with other people. I'm neglecting important friendships, giving out my number to any random hot guy that asks (yes I am still with my boyfriend, yes I am a whore.) I'm being reckless with what I'm saying (I'm being a bit of a bitch at work, I KNOW I KNOW, it only reflects badly on me.) PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER BATTLE!

I hate being 18. Suddenly so much more is expected of me. I still feel about 12.

On a bloody brilliant note, I've slept fantastically for the last 2 nights, it's so nice to sleep well without meds.

 

SOMEONE TAKE THE FOOD AWAY.

PLEASE. CAN.SOMEONE. TAKE. AWAY. THE. FOOD.Binge. Binge. Binge.

I'm going to shame myself and just be honest at my intake today (those who are disgusted easily, stop reading now!)
Breakfast1: cookie crisp cereal.
Breakfast 2 (told you it was bad: Costa breakfast bagel (600c, just to disgust you all more).
Lunch: 2 J2O's, a turkey and cranberry wrap, a massive mars muffin.
Dinner: Indian takeaway.


I'm disgusting. And here is the proof (do we really need more proof?!)

Last night my boyfriend said, "You should get a boob job, then you'd be in proportion. Your hips and top half would be even." Yes, I know my thighs are huge. Yes I know I have a muffin top. Yes. I know. I'm fat. Told you.

I'm taking Tamazepam (tranquilliser/anti depressant) just to get away from things. I can't face crying tonight. I stayed at my boyfriends last night, woke up at 3:00am, and just burst into tears, everything is a little overwhelming at the moment. 

Building up after the breakdown and a confusing counsellor.

Yesterday I got SO ANGRY. But luckily instead of letting it eat me up and me just seething inside, I rang my mentor. She has NEVER heard me loose it, but I'm just so sick of everything I vented big time. Lots of swearing, tears and general anger. Afterwards she said "I'm actually really proud you let your barriers down so much, I've never heard you be so truthful, you should be proud." I was also venting about an issue I haven't brought up on here before: my church. I feel like I'm being judged by them for having sex and drinking.

Weight:  I'm at the same weight I was yesterday, which would normally annoy me but it's okay, because at least weight isn't coming on.

Food for today: 
Breakfast (I messed up) : a pack of rolo's.
Lunch: diet coke.
Dinner: Jacket potato with beans.

My counsellor said something yesterday which confused/challenged me. Basically I was telling her about my history of ED, and how I always end up slipping back in to my old ED habits. She said something along these lines "You have the choice to start cutting back, you have the choice to ignore it and carry on, so you also have the choice to NOT cut back and NOT carry on." She made it seem as simple as that. Hmmm.....

First impression

Apparently the impression people get from me is "snobby, prim and proper." Someone told me when we first met she thought she would hate me. She said "Maybe it's your hair, or maybe your earrings...a lot of people thought the same as me". what the hell? And the thing is, other people have told me this before. This isn't the person I want to portray. Back to square one.

Food
Breakfast: Ryvita with marmalade.
Lunch: Coffee.
Dinner: what ever the family has.

I have managed to keep the 4lbs off, and am now at a 'not immediately going to kill myself because of scales' weight.

To do today:
Driving lesson (stay off the roads! You've been warned).
Counselling.
Meet up with friend for coffee.
Give out CV's.
Don't cry.

Sometimes life is good, sometimes life is not.

So time to expand. First food. I got up to 'the weight' that number you see and scream. Luckily I've lost 4lbs since 'the weight'. Yesterday I ate a ryvita and a cookie. And drank: 2 diet cokes, and about 12 cocktails (I know, I know they are calorific but I was out on a night with a work colleague.) I have to loose another 3lbs before I'm in the range of not panicking.

A job update - I am now searching for a new job. I'm staying at my current job until I get a new one. I'm super stressed about it all.

As mentioned earlier I was out with a lovely work colleague last night. She is leaving the job in 3 weeks. We got very drunk and I was totally on the look out for a guy. I gave my number to a bar tender to texted me later. 'But wait!' I hear you say 'what about the boyfriend?!' The boyfriend is failing. Big time. He is crap. I haven't seen him for two weeks and I haven't kissed him for a month. He is loosing me. He is pushing me away. I refuse to be treated like this. I've set my date - if he hasn't improved by the set date he's out of here.

And the job hunt and restricting starts again.

My job is mad. This is my gap year and I DON'T want to be working 45 hours+ per week, I'm too tired to do all the other things I wanted to. Plus my boss is awful. Sooo tomorrow I'm going to start looking again (all cross your fingers for me!)

I'm restricting. I have to, I'm so huge and uncomfortable. Sooo yoghurt for breakfast, small salad (no dressing) for lunch, normal dinner. Whatever.

Boys are stupid by the way. Just to let you all know.


Sorry for the super short post.

Marya Hornbacher - husband's story.

I just saw this article and found it very interesting! After reading 'Wasted' many times, reading this article by her husband is quite interesting. It shows how hard it is to get rid of the thoughts, and how much strength it takes for us to ignore them:

A computer engineer, Jeff is married to writer Marya Hornbacher. Her autobiographical book on anorexia, Wasted, was published when she was 24. Today, aged 33, she weighs 7 stone 4lb at 5 ft 3in. They live in Minneapolis.

It seems to be a pattern for me - being attracted to vulnerable, yet very strong women. I didn't know that Marya had an eating disorder when we met - but I thought she was pretty thin. Yes, I'm probably attracted to that, too. I would still love Marya if she was fat, but I could never see that happening.

Marya had been married and divorced, and I was separated. I found out at the end of my first marriage that my wife had been secretly bulimic the whole time, and several of my ex-girlfriends have suffered from anorexia.

I met Marya through friends. We went out a few times and one day she gave me a copy of Wasted, her book about her eating disorder. I stayed up all night reading it, I was intrigued. I'm a bleeding soul - I wanted to help her.

We had a whirlwind romance, and got married six months after we met. That was five years ago. We have a ton of common interests: we like to read, travel, we're both really into the arts - museums, theatre, intellectual discussion, and politics. We love being around each other, probably more so than other couples.

When we met, I thought that Marya had essentially recovered from her eating disorder, though I was aware that there was always a little struggle going on. Marya always suffers from an eating disorder - it's just better or worse for a period.

In the beginning, we'd go on and on for hours:

'You've got to eat this.'

'No, it's unhealthy and I'm fat.'

'No, you're thin.'

'Am I as thin as this woman walking by?'

'Yeah.'

'No I'm not, my jeans are tighter.'

'Fine, your jeans are tighter.'

'So now you're saying I am fat?'

It was painful. She is super-smart. Somehow, she would get me to say: 'OK then, it's better if you don't eat.' It's taken me four years to figure out my strategy. Now if I see her dieting I say: 'That's your choice', or I keep quiet. This is the best thing to do - it snaps her out of it.

Marya also has bipolar disorder, which was probably the cause of the eating disorder. Eating disorders are all about control, and in Marya's case her bipolar is the one thing she can't fully control, even though she's on pills three times a day.

Over the years, when the bipolar would flare up, Marya would have to go into hospital and I would take care of the house and our five pets. It was a lot to do and I was a martyr, never asking for help. We both became too co-dependent. I would shut down, withdraw and pull away from her mentally and physically, which made her bipolar worse. Our relationship was suffering, which made Marya's eating disorder more severe.

We reached a point where we had to separate. Our separation was definitely a catalyst for the eating disorder - I think the anorexia was Marya's coping mechanism. She lost weight - she was well under 100 pounds - but she kept saying she was fat. Things got so bad, she was hospitalised for her anorexia. She had been in and out of hospital for the bipolar, but this time it was really alarming: visiting an eating disorder ward is brutal. Some of the patients are ravaged. They're fiftysomething, they've been anorexic for 40 years, and they look like living skeletons. To see your wife like that is heartbreaking. You feel powerless. But seeing her on the ward actually helped me - I finally realised there was nothing that I can do about her anorexia.

We went to marriage counselling, and I went into psychotherapy to learn how to deal with all these issues. My father was an alcoholic and I grew up in a verbally abusive environment. I worked out that was part of why I shut down - that's my reaction to adversity. My therapy helped me to realise this, while Marya has learnt not to be too dependent.

We have found that if we work through an issue openly it doesn't trigger either one of us, but if there's any secrecy, it just promotes the bad issues within both of us. We got back together last year and I know we'll stay together. I no longer feel I need to 'fix' her.

I have learnt how to back off. If, for example, I eat a big lunch, and don't feel like eating dinner, Marya then feels like she can't eat dinner, and that's an immediate mental and physical trigger. Any time an anorexic doesn't eat, there is that trigger - it's like a high for a drug addict. If I came home with a bag of chips and ate the whole thing, it would trigger her. I have to walk a fine line - I have to pay attention to what I eat. I have to eat healthily and consistently.

What used to happen was we'd buy a bunch of crap and eat it and then feel ill. Then for days Marya would moan, 'Oh I'm fat, I ate all those calories, I can't eat for the next three days', and it would start a vicious circle. Now I guard against anything like that.

The hospital puts Marya on a strict schedule of what to eat and when to eat and I need to follow that, too. I certainly can't go into McDonald's, for example. It's probably good for me in the long run. Some of her food is too healthy for me though - it revolts me.

We tend to travel a lot which can throw a wrench into things - we like gourmet restaurants and if we go out for dinner and eat, say, duck confit, Marya loves it, but then she will struggle the next day. Recently we went out and ate some rich food. Marya thinks she gained three or four pounds and that is genuinely tragic for her. She has to lose it one way or another. Once in a while she over-exercises. We just signed up to a gym, which is fine as long as she doesn't overdo it.

For m

Little food and fabulous job.

My job is AWESOME, I love it! I love sales and really get on with the people I work with. Today I made enough sales for my boss to be really happy. Today was a little hectic - went to work for 12, finished my shift at 6:30 with only a half an hour break, then went straight to my second job (tutoring). Luckily I am getting enough sleep to have the energy to get me through.
HOWEVER
my job keeps me on my feet all day. And I love not eating too much on these busy days, because I just forget I'm hungry. Today I had: 30g ready brek oats with water. a side salad from subway with no dressing. 1 ryvita. Chicken dinner thing. So total cals, around: 573.

Counselling went really well, I already trust and like the woman, she's really friendly and super easy to talk to.

Life is good!

Counselling time.

I have my first counselling session tomorrow. I can't even remember why I'm going. I'm so stupid - what was I thinking?? I'm being too indulgent to let myself go to counselling. What am I going to even say?! I feel sad. I don't no why. That's it! Obviously there is the stuff with my parents (refer to last post) but isn't that normal teenage stuff?

Yesterday my boyfriend gave me a dilemma - not a bad one, just a dilemma. This is how the conversation went
Boyfriend (let's shorten it to B: "Ellie...I've got a question, and I need you to answer it by tomorrow. Do you want to come to Canada with me for a week next Summer?" (We have a friend that moved there).
Me: urm..wow...what?!
B: It's £430 for flights, and I want to go at the end of June.
Me: Hell Yes!!
B: Great, I'm booking tickets tomorrow
At this point in the conversation I suddenly realised that we would be going in 9 months time. Me and B have only been together 3 months and there is NO guarantee we will be together in 9 months time. If he broke up with me, a 20 hour flight with him would be hell. I really couldn't do it. SOOOOO I chickened out. I've decided if we are still going out 2 months before I will just book a ticket myself. Did I make the right decision?

One of the reasons I thought we might not be together in 9 months is because of how things have been between us recently (prepare yourself for a jealous girlfriend paragraph). B has just started uni, and is sharing a flat with a really nice girl called SJ. I like her, but he talks about her SO much. I ask him what he's been up to "ohhh me and SJ stayed up till 5 just chatting" urmmm...what?! And I know that she's his type. Luckily she has a boyfriend.      I just re read that paragraph and it sounds so silly.

Okay, enough moaning for now, hope you're all having a good Monday!!

Major life update.

Well. The day came. The day I have dreaded for a VERY long time. Let me explain: My parents are strict Christians and are totally against me having sex before marriage/underage drinking/drinking at all.To my knowledge they did not know I had done all of the above in the past year. On Sunday night my Mum said something along the line of "I don't always think you're telling the truth," I got really annoyed and went to my room. My Mum followed me, sat on my bed, looking totally defeated and like she was about to cry. She said "I know you've had sex with your boyfriend, I knew two after it happened at Christmas. I know you went drinking under age and got paraletic. And you know what hurt the most, that you didn't tell me."My best friend (who I tell everything to) had been telling everything about me to her Mum, who had then gone to my Mum. I feel like my privacy has been invaded. My Mum's been acting okay since Sunday, but my Dad..well...so far he's thrown in conversation "God doesn't want you to have sex yet" "God knows best" "So? Do you think God wants you to do this?" My answer to this was "I'm 18 and no longer have to answer your questions, you aren't responsible for me." If he doesn't let up soon, I will explode.
Second life update: I GOT A JOB!! A company rang me up and asked me to go for an interview the next day, then offered me a job the next day, and I started today! I LOVE it. It's as a FULL TIME sales- assistant . I'm so happy to be out of the house, doing something.

My body seems to have expanded of it's own accord. I have no idea. I've lessened my portions and am eating healthily. But somehow my body is HHUUUGGEEE. I took a pregnancy test just to check and it's all good, going to take another in 3 weeks  as well.

Questions:
1. How do you think I should deal with the parental situation?

What happens when it breaks down?

Boys (I'm in an organised mood - hence the subtitles)
Now, if you know me you'll know that my back catalogue with guys is....crap. I have never been in a relationship more than a month. If I like a guy, he breaks up with me, the ones that like me, I don't like (it's always the way eh?) I've been going out with boyfriend for a couple of months and I am falling for him Big Style. Like I've never liked (maybe even loved?) a guy this much. So what happens when he gets sick of me and I get the boot?
Because I don't think I'll be able to cope (yes, I do know I'm being dramatic and negative but that's the mood I'm in). I'm soo scared of falling for him, because then I'm vulnerable. Letting your walls down is HARD.

Food
Fuck, fuckity fuck. I hate food. I hate that I like food. I hate that I rely on food when I feel like crap. My thighs are. Urgh. Major Urgh. I can't deal with it.Yuck. But if I try and restrict I'm screwed - I binge. Gah. (Notice that when I write about food, all real language goes out the window 'yuck' 'urgh' 'fuckity')

Alcohol
I should not be allowed to drink. I should have a personal law set against me. Last night I went out for a night out, annnddd spent £40 on alcohol. How?! I have no idea. I was so very wasted. SO . new experiment, I am going to try and not drink (GASP) for two months. Let's see how this goes...

Questions
1. Any recommendations on where should I go on holiday?
2. Do you resemble a rat or a pig? (Everyone either looks slightly more like a rat or pig. I am a rat.)

Triggered by...a dream?!

In my time I have been triggered by many things: a super skinny model, an article about weight loss, a comment from my friend, a friend loosing weight. But never have I been triggered by a dream. I dreamt that I was talking to my friend who has recently lost a lot of weight, and she was telling me about how she did it and how much happier she was and how much she weighs. I woke up feeling super panicky and instantly planned my food intake for the day:  30g ready brek (unfortunately my dog ate most of it, so I reckon I had half of that), I'm going to have a small can of tuna for lunch (I know that sounds gross but I LOVE TUNA) and what ever my family has for dinner, gym in the evening.
Another recent trigger was my mum saying "Are you okay? You seem to be eating a lot at the moment?" Mum, I am trying to recover from an eating disorder, please DO NOT ever say things like this. I didn't think I was over eating, but after this comment I am wanting to seriously cut down.
Today I booked my first counselling session with a new service, my first appointment is Tuesday 5th of October. I'm freaking out about it, but I think it will be good. To be honest my opinion of counselling went down because of my last pathetic counsellor, who was basically shit haha.


Questions:
1. Have you ever been triggered by a dream?

Not the happiest of bunnies...

Well food intake has been bad. I've been eating too much, but luckily my weight has stayed the same. I need to stabilise what I eat then cut down. Fun times.

Today should be quite enjoyable - I am meeting up with my mentor in half an hour, then am handing out CV's, then meeting up with one of my close friends then staying at my boyfriends house (but shush don't tell the parents about that last bit!)

Do you know what is really getting me down at the moment? Everyone leaving. All my close friends are going to uni this week or next week and I feel so left behind. I know it was my choice to do a gap year...but I feel like I'm one step behind everyone else. They are all packing, and telling me about the amazing parties they have planned. And what am I doing? Looking (unsuccessfully) for a job, whilst supporting myself by going on the dole. I feel so stuck at home I've started searching for a room to rent somewhere else in my city.

So I wanted your opinion on something. Is it okay to put photos of me and my friends on this blog? I know my friends won't find this blog, but do you think it's an invasion of my friends privacy?

Questions:
1. How did you come up with the name of your blog?
2. Do you think the design of my blog should be altered in any way?

Waking up with perspective.

After a yucky day yesterday, I was AMAZED to wake up refreshed after having a good nights sleep. YAY. I'm not restricting today, I've decided to keep my food intake stable, then lower it very gradually (I know, I know...not healthy...giving in to ED...but to be honest I really need it at the moment to get me through).
Today's food:
Breakfast: 30g ready brek with sultanas - 120 c (I round up because I'm paranoid about under estimating).
Lunch: 1 ryvita, 1 plain piece of bread, a corner yogurt, an Options hot chocolate. So that's... 42+96+200+40. (I hate that I know these calories off by heart) 378. That's WAY too many cals. I shouldn't of had the yoghurt.
Dinner:Pasta with tomato sauce - 400.
So the average total is 898, I'll round up to 1000 just to be safe. That's a very big number for me.

My boyfriend is trying to get me to go to counselling, for my flashbacks to sexual abuse, my seriously awful nightmares and awakening in fear every night, for my continuing struggling with the ED. But I'm too scared to tell my parents that I want to go to counselling because they will pry into what's wrong...and I don't really want to tell them. My boyfriend goes to university next Monday. Crap. Luckily he's staying in my city. I'm still really worried that he's not going to have any time for me, I know that I'll need to adapt to seeing him less.

Questions:
1. Is there any specific kind of counselling you would recommend?

When everything feels wrong.

Yesterday and today I have felt awful. Yesterday I did something I barely do, I got a pair of blunt scissors and cut a nice gash into my wrist and put a rubber band over the top so it really hurt. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to feel that pain, because I feel like I deserve it. I'm so immensely unhappy recently. Today has been uneventful (ish). My parents were out all day so I have sat on the sofa and done....nothing. Literally. Nothing. This is partly because I'm exhausted (my sleep pattern has gone and I was haunted with nightmares for the few hours I slept last night.) Apart from sitting in front of the TV I was too exhausted to watch, I had not one, no no, but two binges. And two purges. Not fun considering I haven't purged in so long. My mum also found the scar on my arm, I said it was from the oven. I think she brought it. 

So as I talked about in my last post - I'm really struggling with my eating disorder. But I CAN'T just go straight into restriction mode because then I binge/ purge (today is a case point of that) so I am going to gradually lower my intake. Because, really? why not. 

I just don't care any more. There isn't really much point - we live, we die, we get forgotten. 

New beginning.

On Saturday morning I weighed myself (a normal occurrence). And I read THAT weight. You know the one - the weight that you always said you would never get to. Well I got there. SO. Out came the calorie counters, the diet coke, the sugar free gum, the food diary, the herbal tea. I am purely disgusted that I let myself get to THAT weight.

Luckily this weekend I managed to drop 4lbs. I'm still really unhappy with the weight I am right now. I'm going to do something I haven't done for a long time on this blog and write down my food plan for the day:

Breakfast (already eaten): 1 satsuma.
Lunch: 2 ryvita's with chopped tomatoes.
Snack: 1 ryvita and a coffee.
Dinner: Whatever my family are having.
Then gym in the evening.

Sorry.

Just plain ANGRY.

Searching for a job is so bloody tiring. Today I have out roughly one million CV'S. And I got offered a job! At Ann Summers, as a party organiser. (For those of you who don't know, Ann Summers is a shop that sells lingerie and sex toys, but not like a cheap gross shop - it's actually really nice). I got home, told my parents and they went MAD. My mum was angry I had even been in there. She did the whole "I'm so disappointed in you" speech. They aren't letting me take the job. I'm 18 for God's sake. I need freedom. They are trapping me. I can't breath. And you know what I do when I feel trapped? I restrict. I find my freedom through controlling my food. Fuck this. I give up.

Losing Style.

I appear to have lost my Writing Style (if I ever had any.) My writing is too here and there, it changes it's mind every few seconds. What to do? What to do? Well write another post of course!

I am not sure if this blog is an 'eating disorder blog' any more. I am very happy to say that my eating schedule is positively normal! I eat all three meals, and although my bum and thighs wobble far too much, and although sometimes I do say to myself "Screw it, today I'm not eating," I recognise that this is silly and unhelpful and go and eat a chocolate bar!

Now, something interesting happened yesterday, pay attention all (well, you don't really need to, it's not that interesting!) I have been very irritable in the last month, my sleeping pattern has messed itself up, I feel angry and upset a lot. Yesterday my parents called me on it. Mum sat me down, and asked me what is wrong. Me being the angsty teenager I am, got very annoyed and just told her "I'm TIRED Mum, that's ALL, leave me ALONE." She persisted. And I broke. Told her how down I've been feeling. How I don't know why I'm irritable. How I'm scared about my gap year and all my friends leaving. Just talking (and crying) helped. She says that I need to get off my lazy bum, because watching TV all day will not help (of course she said it nicer than this.)

I also told the Boyfriend about how I was feeling low, he sent me a text saying "Come outside". He was outside. With 12 red roses. My day improved remarkably. *sigh*

Questions:
1. Has anyone read "The Edible Woman"? Is it any good?
2. How do you get out of a low period?

Letting go of the secret.

Sometimes letting go of a secret can be so freeing. Yesterday I went round to my boyfriends and we had SUCH a good time. I told him about my haunting memory (previous post) and how it was affecting me. I told him that I need to take things slow so I can relax. He was brilliant. Really understanding, he said I should go to counselling, he even offered to take me. I am completely falling for him. I think I love him. (I've never loved a guy, so it's quite a big deal for me to say this).

My food intake this last week has been good! I'm eating three healthy meals a day, and a snack. I'm going to the gym three times a week. I'm gunna get FIT!

Today is the first day of the gap year! Today I'm just relaxing, easing myself in hehe. Tomorrow I'm handing out more CV'S and this week I hear from my first possible job lead.

Question:
1. What would you do with a gap year?

Haunting memories?

I have a memory that is haunting me. It won't go away. And now I'm getting side affects to this memory.

Let me expand. When I was younger, about 11 my brother's friend did stuff to me when I didn't want him to. It wasn't rape, but it was close. I still feel like this was my fault.

Well here is the problem. Whenever me and my boyfriend start to...do stuff, this memory comes back and it's all I can think about. It makes any intimacy difficult.

So how do I get rid of this problem? Burn the memory? How can I block it out?



Question:
1. What are your best interview tips?

Home for good.

Yesterday I returned from my final holiday. I'm so glad to be home, I've missed my friends!
So the birthday was fun, went out for a delicious meal, opened presents etc. Thanks so much for all the birthday messages!
After 3 LONG weeks I was reunited with the boyfriend :D For my birthday he got me a beautiful pearl and sapphire necklace. We then went to my best friend's BBQ, and she had brought me champagne and made me a 3 tiered cake! I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends.

Got a very exciting week ahead, going to go around shops and give out my CV tomorrow (any tips are welcome!) Then going shopping. On Tuesday I'm meeting my cousins girlfriend for the first time which will be fun. Then Wednesday the boyfriend is taking me out for a meal. And Friday is sushi day with my friends!!


Food wise I'm not feeling great. My mind is in LOOSE WEIGHT mode. Sorry for the random post - just getting back into the swing of things.

It's my birthday :D

Today I turn 18. I survived 18 years. I'm proud of that achievement.


LOVE
xxx

Cornwall and an issue with Mother.

Right now I am sitting in the holiday house on my own. The rest of the family has gone to the beach but I fancied some down time, and what better to do than blog?

Yesterday my mum said "Let's go for a walk, burn off those cals." She says things like this every now and the and it annoys me! I pointed out to her how it's not good for my younger sister to be brought up thinking that it's normal to have to "burn off cals" or "burn off dinner". Was I being over sensitive? Does it really matter if my sister hears these things?

My mum said something else which I have an issue with. "Ellie, we have different body shapes, you're more...curvy, like one of those Greek statues." For some reason, this really bugged me. It's her way of saying that I'm 'bigger' than her. She didn't mean it in a malicious way, but it really cut me. I can't wait to get back to the gym.

A decision. I'm not confident enough to let my boyfriend see me naked. So, I will tone up then will. I'm too scared of what he might think. The last time we went out I was 8-9lbs less.


My brain is screwing me up.

50 things to do UPDATED.

I have now crossed off some of the things on my list! I've been on a gondola in Venice, I've met a fisherman and eaten fish with them, I've slept under the stars on a beach, I've gone skinny dipping at midnight in Majorca and I've passed my A levels and got into university.

Next I want to send a letter in a bottle, make a three tiered cake, learn yoga, have a spa day and eat sushi.

This next year (my gap year)I'm doing lots of the things on my list, and I'm EXCITED!


1. Become bilingual...we all know I want to speak French, nothing new there.
2. Buy a plane ticket for the next day for somewhere....anywhere, on my own.
3. Go and watch the London Olympics in 2012.
4. Face my fear and SKYDIVE.
5. Walk (some of) the great wall of China.
6. Go on a gondola in Venice.
7. Make a three tiered cake.
8. Create my family tree.
9. Go to a Spain, make friends with a fisherman and eat fresh fish with them.
10. Go on a hot air balloon.
11. Scuba dive in the barrier reef.
12. Grow my own vegetable patch.
13. Send Christmas in a beach drinking Pina Colada's.
14. Sleep under the stars on a beach.
15. Go back to Yosemite.
16. Fall completely and utterly in love.
17. Spend New Year's eve partying in New York.
18. Send a message in a bottle.
19. Learn to make cocktails.
20. Go skinny dipping at midnight in Majorca.
21. Swim with dolphins.
22. Learn to ballroom dance properly.
23. Sit on a jury.
24. Fly first class.
25. Have a child.
26. Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris.
27. Take a picture of the Mona Lisa in the Louvre.
28. Buy 12 roses...for myself.
29. Have sex with someone I REALLY love and who loves me back.
30. Pass my A levels so I get into university.
31. Buy a sari from India.
32. Live in America, New Zealand and France for at least a year each.
33. Own a piece of diamond jewellery.
34. Donate to a charity anonymously.
35. Learn yoga.
36. Stay up all night.
37. Eat Sushi at a sushi bar.
38. Become someone's mentor.
39. Spend an entire day naked.
40. Get an article in a paper or magazine published.
41. Camp in the desert.
42. Go a year without watching TV.
43. Cook Christmas diner for my family.
44. Be an extra in a TV show.
45. Watch the cheese rolling competitions in Gloucestershire.
46. Go and watch the Eurovision Song Contest.
47. Have a spa day.
48. Drink abesynthe.
49. Get my teeth whitened.
50. Learn to ski.

Positive post time :)

Today I got an email which could not of come at a more perfect time. It was from....me. There is this amazing website called FutureMe, where you email yourself a letter for however many years time. I received one which I sent a year ago, when I got back from Christian Camp. It was entitled 'Eat'

Dear FutureMe,
I hope that in a years time you're still eating properly, I know its hard.
I have jst come back from soul survivor, and am feeling way better, but I know that old eating habits can come back, just try and remeber how much HAPPIER you are if you eat properly, good luck, I hope you are eating well, and are healthy.
P.S Jesus delights in you always.


Thinking back to last years camp makes me realise my progress. Last camp I ate only 2 biscuits over 5 days. This year, although I over ate, I didn't feel overly hateful of myself, and understood that to get through the week I needed to feed myself. I feel PROUD of myself. Recovery is slow, and sometimes feels non existent, but it's so worth it. I have bad days and good days, but looking back to last Summer, this Summer has been SO much better.


Your thoughts on my questions made me laugh so much, I LOVED the rabbit answers.

Questions:

1. What would you say to yourself in one year's time?
2. If you could choose a way everyone greeted each other, what would it be (hugging/kissing/doing a head stand etc.)

Christian Camp. DONE.

Christian camp was... interesting. I really wish I could say I had a good week...but that would be lying so... the truth? I had a really bad time. I completely isolated myself and felt so miserable and had so little energy. I cried every day, and just felt so messed up.

So why did I feel so bad? Guilt. For one night stands, having sex with my boyfriend, drinking, being greedy and feeling fat. I know God doesn't want me to feel guilty, and forgives me, but the guilt is eating. me. up.

I don't know what to do about anything. My life is falling apart at the seams. I have no idea what to do in this next year, I don't know if I want to stay with my boyfriend, I can't understand my body, and I have no grasp on controlling my food intake ( binging big time). A level results come on Thursday which I am FREAKING OUT about. I'm 18 in less than 2 weeks, which feels scary because I don't want to grow up. I can't deal.

RANT RANT RANT that's all I do these days!! Someone fancy picking me out of this silly black hole?


Question:
1. Any suggestions of how to get out of a dark patch?
2. Why don't rabbits have helicopters?

I could really use a wish right now..

The boyfriends gone to China. Only for 3 weeks, but I feel So. Damn. Lonely.

I can't stop binging.

This time last year I was a stone less.


Okay, okay enough of the silly depressing sounding sentences. Basically I'm not in a great place. It's not a terrible place, I've felt much worse, but my mind isn't a pleasant place to be at the moment.

A quick question - am I weird? Does any one else get this - Many nights I wake up and am struck with fear. I have no reason for this fear, but I feel so, so scared that I can't move, I'm too scared to move, I just lie with my fingers in my ears really still, even if I'm boiling hot. I get a feeling of foreboding like something terrible is about to happen. It wares off after about half an hour to an hour and I get back to sleep. Does this happen to anyone else?

My parents are thinking of inviting my Grandma to Cornwall with us on holiday. I really hope they don't. My Grandma likes to direct snide comments at me, I only normally see her for an afternoon so I can deal with them, but for a week? No way. I really couldn't.

I loved hearing about all the things you are thankful for!

A problem shared is a problem halved.

I went to see my mentor 2 days ago, it was so useful. Just getting a problem out, talking about it, seems to help clear my head a bit. At the end of the session we always say 5 things we are thankful for (cheesy I know!) and doing this made me realise that I do have so many good things in my life.

I've been keeping myself busy these last few days, seeing my friends and my boyfriend a lot so I can't isolate myself. Tonight is a friends birthday and we are all going out for a night on the town, so I'm going to dance my troubles away!

Food news, been attempting to resume some sort of routine. Upped the size of my breakfast which helps me not binge at lunch and in the evening. Going to the gym also really helps my mood, not because of weight loss but because exercise is my way of getting rid of stress.

I'm uninspired in my blog at the moment, I know what I want to say but I don't know how. I feel like my writing has gotten flat.


Questions
1. What one or two things are you thankful for?

Diary update.

I have lost the ability to write. I don't know what to say. I don't comment on any of your blogs and the guilt is getting to me. Sorry.

So here is a proper update:

Today my food intake has been non existent so far: I had a smoothie for breakfast and a smoothie for lunch. I told my parents that I had a Mcdonalds when I went shopping so I only have to have a small dinner, then off to the gym to purge and work out. What a fun day!

On fantastic news: Everything is going well with the boyfriend. He's fantastic :) :)

Shopping today was utterly miserable, I had a massive row with my parents before and stormed out. I tried on like 100000 dresses and they all looked terrible. My body looks huge at the moment, in the mirror it looked like it had been stretched, it's gross. Then I went off to the clinic, I get the results in 2 weeks..eek!

I'm trying to keep myself busy at the moment so I don't have too much time to think. Tomorrow I have a big family birthday and everyone is coming round, so the smiling mask will be on. After that I'm having coffee with my mentor, thank God, I need to speak to someone. (I'm falling to pieces, a second ago I thought I was going to burst into tears, then started laughing, then got really angry....what|??!??!) Anyway, got a few parties and nights out coming up, along with lots of gym time.

I'm coming up to a very scary week next week. I go away on my annual camp with church. Last year I ate 1 rhyvita a day and fainted and kept having panic attacks. Being back there is going to be challenging. My mind is already in the "starve for a week" mindset.

This post was very here and there, sorry.


Thank you so much for the comments, I'm so sorry that I'm not replying, I'll try harder.

Venice..the beautiful city.

Venice was beautiful, cultural, lovely. The family got on relatively well, no massive fall outs.

Food is getting me down.

My body is gross.

I feel..

fat.

I am..

fat.

My body is...

embarrasing.

My thighs are...

scaring me.

Can someone...

chop fat off me.

Attempting to get back to normal.

Before I went on holiday I was really pleased with my eating pattern, but since returning I'm struggling, yesterday I restricted, I'm binging, and just generally struggling to eat normally and sanely. I'm going to Venice tomorrow with my family, which I'm excited about. I think being with my family for 3 meals a day will be really good for me as I will hopefully be able to get into a pattern.

I have been having a lot of very negative thoughts about myself, I can't WAIT to get back to the gym to tone up (NOT loose weight, just get toned).

Things with the boyfriend are going well, he's SO supportive and kind and funny (can you tell I'm falling for him?!) Only problem: I go to the clinic a week today for my STI test, but then I have to wait 3 months for a HIV test, so can I have sex with my boyfriend before the HIV test? I'm so clueless! We agreed it's best to wait until the results of the first STI test before we have sex. I'm seeing him today, should I tell him that I have to wait 3 months for a HIV test, and see what he wants to do? I'm so confused! See children, this is why you NEVER have unprotected sex!!!

My life is so up in the air at the moment, I don't feel stable, I'm not at home for more than a week (I go camping after Venice, then then to Cornwall), and in between this travelling I have big life events (A level results, 18th birthday, looking for a job) I just feel scared of the fact that I have to grow up and start taking responsibility.

Okay, enough of the moaning!!

Thank you for the feedback on my "what to do with no budget" question - my mum, sister and I ended up having a very enjoyable shopping trip, and I've started re organising my room! Today I am going to for a walk with the boyfriend...all for free :D

Promiscuous? Damaged? Scared.

My mood has been CRAPPY and CONFUSING today and yesterday. I feel, I don't know, dirty? Here's why: Well the ex asked me out, and of course I said yes because I really like him, and am so pleased to be back with him. BUT I CAN'T GET THE FLING FROM THE HOLIDAY OUT OF MY HEAD. He's invited me and my friends up to Brighton and I really want to go (not for romance, although I know I would be tempted). I keep thinking about him and I don't know why! We both agreed it was only physical, no strings attached.

See I read that paragraph back and it makes me sad. I never thought I would be a one night girl, and now I love them. They've made me scared of relationships, because emotions and boys don't seem like a safe mix. Basically I'm scared. All these confusing negative thoughts have caused a two day binge (no purges) which have been making me feel even more negative.

I need to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. I feel so trapped here. I want to escape. Do something. But everything seems to cost money which I don't have.

So, questions:
1. Any suggestions of things I can do on a low budget?
2. How do I get over fear of commitment/ trust issues?



ps Thank you for the amazing comments, I love each and every one of you.

Drrraaamaaaaa

Well, as I said in my previous post, I had sex with 2 guys on holiday. I don't regret it, because it was an experience. Problem: It was unprotected, so I have to go to the clinic which I am MEGA embarrassed about.

Now some news which I am MEGAAAA excited about. Can you remember my ex? The one who I told that I still liked after I dumped him, and he said he couldn't see a future. WELL. We started talking a few days ago and he said he made the biggest mistake in saying no, and wants to meet up....sooooo last night we went to a BBQ together, and it was so nice. It felt just like old times. I'm going round to his tonight which I am nervous about but in that oh-my-God-what's-going-to-happen type of way.

Something weird is going on with my weight. I haven't intentionally been dieting, but for some reason I've lost like 3.5lbs in 2 days. I feel a perverse happiness, but in a really weird way, I'd rather be the slightly higher, more stable weight. Also I have decided that I don't want to loose weight, I want to get toned. So I'm going to join the gym (I LOVE the gym)and increase my food intake a little.

Love you all and sorry for the quietness on your blogs, I have like 1000000 things on my to do list.
xxx

Honey! I'm home!

WOW. WOW. WOW. What a holiday. I don't really know where to start. Just WOW.
A lot can happen in 16 days...here are some things that we've done:

1. Speed boating. We made really good friends with a guy who has a speed boat and he took us out twice. It was IMMENSE!
2. Jet skiing. Made friends with guys with jet skis (recurring pattern?) and they took us out. I'm not going to lie, I was TERRIBLE at jet skiing!
3. Quite a lot of skinny dipping (like 6 times!?) so I can tick that off the list of things to do before I die.
4. ALCOHOL! Well I feel bloody sorry for my liver - I've drunk a minimum of 1 bottle of wine a night, and we drank every single night.
4. Partied harder than I thought possible. I've been out clubbing for 16 nights in a row, my feet are so crippled from heels!



That's just a taster of what me and the fabulous girls have been up to.

Food news: It went fine!!! I was more worried about my friends ridiculous eating habits than mine. I slept through breakfast most days but had a decent sized lunch and diner. I weighed myself this morning and my weight has stayed exactly the same!


I have learnt a huge amount this holiday. Here is my list of things I've learnt:
1.Letting go can be really fun.
2. Living with others requires compromise.
3. Confidence is more important than appearance.
4. Don't over think insults...let them slide.
5. Don't try and impress people - just go with your instincts.
6. Don't be scared of new experiences.
7. There is no need to be so paranoid about what other people are saying.
8. Forgive easily.
9. Don't be afraid to let your beliefs shine through.

I have so much to write, and will be posting more in the next few days, but there you go! I'm looking forward to catching up with your blogs.

Update and au revoir.

Tonight is PROM TIMEE!!! To be honest I wasn't that excited about it until I went shopping today (yes I know it's last minute) and brought a dress I LOVE, I'll like a picture of it: I will put more pictures of prom up when I get home in 2 weeks when I get back from MAJORCA!! I have never looked forward to a holiday more! Just praying everything goes easily at the airport.

Food and weight update: Somehow, I don't know how, I am eating 100% normally - as in breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. No binges, no purges!!! My weight has stayed the same for the last 2 weeks, which has shocked me so much since I thought eating=gain.

Exams: Biology went HORRIBLY, but I think psychology went okay. No point worrying about it now, just got to wait until results day :)

Now some odd news - I went to a revision session a few days ago and was feeling a little sick and got so dizzy and my ears starting ringing. I was in so much pain, I passed out, and apparently I went very very pale. I was so embarrassed, it was in front of my whole class. The thing that made me think was my friends all kept asking if I'd eaten, and why I look so thin. NO I DON'T!!! I'm eating normally! My weight is healthy. Argh.

Questions.

1. What is your dream career?
2. I'm coming for dinner, what do you cook?


Right I will see you in 2 weeks, I'm off to Majorca baby!

Trapped.

Yesterday, whilst lying in bed trying to sleep negativity attached to me. I had these awful, horrible thoughts about myself, over and over again...they were completely out of the blue...I haven't had them this bad for a long time. I felt so ANGRY at my body. At my thighs. At my big legs. I just started scratching them up and punching them. I HATED them. I haven't felt this much hate and negativity towards me for a long time. What I notice is the minute you start believing the negative thoughts...they invade you. They move from horrible things about your body, to horrible things about how your family think you hate them, about what a lousy person you are etcetc. So clearly my evening was spent trying to battle these thoughts. Hard work!

On a better note, I've noticed how much better and more structured my eating is when I eat breakfast and lunch with someone. I used to think that it's better to eat on your own so you can think about the food..but I've noticed that when I eat with someone else I feel more satisfied with the food I have, and don't want to binge or purge afterwards.

I know I've talked about this before but...I HATE SUMMER. I can't deal with the clothes, or my paleness, or the fact that all my friends are thinner and prettier and more tanned. I hate the fact that I have cellulite and I hate the fact that my thighs wobble. I hate that I can't disguise this in Summer. I feel so vulnerable and raw in summer. No where to hide.

Thank you for the good luck on my exams :) my biology went horribly, but I am hopeful for my psychology test on Tuesday.
Sorry for the lack of comments on you blogs!
xxx

Quietness.

Just wanted to explain why I'm a little quiet at the moment on your blogs, I've got exams and am going CRAZY with revision...hence why I don't have much time for blogging and commenting. When my exams finish next Wednesday I still won't be able to comment as I have prom on Friday then fly to Majorca for 16 days at 7:00AM. I'm thinking of you guys and can't wait to have time to catch up :)

Food wise, yesterday I was pretty binging, but didn't purge..today wasn't too bad, I'm just worried that I will get away from England, get out of routine and decide to starve for a while. I DO NOT want food to ruin my holiday.

I've got my Biology exam and I'nm FREAKING OUT. Properly scared. Argh.

Okay, there you go, my quick update, hopefully I'll be able to give a nice long post before I go away, but if not, good bye for a few weeks!!

Little Miss Positivity.

Wow. 2 days, no binges, normal eating...as in 3 meals a day and a snack. Wow. I don't know where this has come from! No idea! It just...happened. I woke up a few days ago, planning to skip breakfast and just eat lunch, but my brain wouldn't let me, or was it my body that wouldn't let me? Either way, I ate my ready brek like a good girl. And then stopped when I was full...then ate normal lunch...and then a normal dinner. Wow. Well this came as a shock to me! Something in my brain just...switched...I don't even WANT to binge and the want to restrict has lessened quite a lot! I'm just trying really hard to stay in the present, which I do by catching myself thinking of the next meal, and thinking "but what do you feel NOW? do you feel hungry or full? Do you need food to fuel you at the moment?"

This is a short post, just wanted to recognise how I feel.

Now question time..
I asked you if you HAD to be in one of these films which would you chose, Final Destination or Saw. And most said Final Destination because it was less gruesome. Totalllyyy agree. I don't actually like these types of films as I hate seeing people in pain, but at halloween my friends all watch scary films so I join in. I too would chose Final Destination, it seems less painful...as mad as it sounds I would rather not have to make the decision whether to fight and live or die (as in Saw), I would rather just die quickly :) This all sounds a bit....morbid, yes?

New questions:

1. From the Harry Potter books, which character do you identify with most?

Overwhelmed by your loveliness

Wow. What can I say? You are all too amazing for words. Thank you SO MUCH for those comments, you are all angels.

After my mini freak out I was thinking about restricting, but as a lot of you said, you can't fix one ED behaviour with another. Sooo I'm going to keep trying. Although I did binge yesterday, I've woken up this morning with a fresh perspective and am going to try REALLYREALLYREALLY hard to eat normally and stay in the present.

As I said I would like some professional help but I don't think it's an option. My parents don't know I'm still struggling with my eating disorder so I don't really want to have to tell them again, it just gets so stressful and I HATE worrying them. So I'm going to keep trying to fight through this on my own (with help from the mentor and you lovely people of course). So what are you going to eat? I hear you ask. Well, here is what I am (hopefully) going to eat today:
Breakfast: Well I am sitting here eating ready brek with sultanas so that's breakfast sorted.
Lunch: Sandwiches, salad, yoghurt.
Snack: (this is where it gets tricky for me - I snack and then just keep going) an apple.
Dinner: Lasagne.
Evening snack: A satsuma


Ooh I've just remembered the last questions I set. Well my answers: I would call a diamond a glower and I would take a wind up torch :)

New questions
1. If you could be any animal, what would you be?
2. Would you rather be stuck in the film 'Saw' or stuck in the film 'final destination'?


LOVE you all!

Disgusting.

Seriously. I'm gross. Binge all day. 2 days straight, don't stop eating. No purging. But right now I feel worse than I ever feel when I restrict. Can someone PLEASE make me numb??

Fuck this. I don't think I could even restrict if I want to with all this binging.

What do I do? I can't continue like this. Fuck this.
I'm so scared about summer...about bikinis...about being with my super skinny friends for over 2 weeks. I'm not going to be able to cope.

I don't know if I can get through this without real help.

Name of the book.

Some of you asked me what the book I talked about in my previous post is called. It's called 'The shaming of the strong' by Sarah Williams.

xxxx

Today and yesterday have been good food days (even though it's only 9AM so far today. Yesterday was Exam Day. I had my porridge, went out for cake and coffee with my mum at mid morning, had scrambled egg for lunch and headed out for my exam. It went...ohhh I don't know, I can never quite grasp how exams went, I tend to get the opposite of how I thought it went. Got home, and did have a bit to much to eat, I had: a yoghurt, a chocolate bar and a bag of maltesers. This felt like WAY to much for a snack, and I could tell that I was in binge mode, which meant I would of purged. So I sat down and distracted myself. Stayed with that weird feeling of WANTING to binge...like every cell in your body just wants to be packed with food. But I got through it, and was able to have dinner with my family. Done.
Today I was feeling so uncomfortable when I woke up, all I wanted to do was restrict and leave out breakfast because I wasn't hungry. BUT I remembered all your lovely comments and encouragement and just sat down and ate. Done.
OHOHOH good news, I haven't weighed myself for....2 days! I know that seems nothing, but considering normally I weigh myself on average of 8-9 times a day, then this is a big deal.
Last night I sobbed. Completely weeped. Because of a book, the most heart wrenching, amazing book I have read. It's called the shaming of the strong...or something like that. It's an autobiography of a woman who gets pregnant with a baby who will die straight after they are born. Instead of deciding to terminate it, she decides to stay with the baby, and love it for as long as she can. She names her, makes her some clothes, talks to her. It was the most moving book I've ever read, every few pages I had to stop reading, calm down, pull myself together and carry on reading. Most of the time I couldn't read through the tears.
I know this was a higgldey piggldey post, but I just wanted to write!

Question time! First off, thankyou for answering my last questions, it seems that Wicked got the majority! And in response to the what would you tell someone starting an ED, the resounding answer was STOP THEM AT ANY COST.

New questions:
1. You have to rename the stone 'diamond', what do you call it?
2. You're stuck on a desert island with no internet, signal etc. You can take one thing, but that thing can't be something that helps you get off the island. What do you choose?

It's a fight.

At lunch today I was able to regain some perspective, and I ate lunch. I then binged, for hours on end. No purging. I NEED to make sure I don't weigh myself for the next few weeks, exams are the most important thing at the moment and I need to be healthy for them. Tomorrow is my first exam, and as strange as it sounds, I'm pretty excited. I LOVE writing essay in English Literature exams.
My mind is very much divided in two. Most of the time I am completely wanting to restrict...forgetting anything to do with recovery. Then I get glimpses of perspective, remembering why I want to recover. I need to get more of these glimpses.

Sooo girls and guys, PLEASE can you help motivate me to not weigh myself and not to binge... as binging leads to guilt...leads to weighing...leads to restricting etc. etc. I know it sounds silly, but what I need now is support in recovery, and you, my fellow bloggers, are all I have for support (it's a good think you're all so fabulous).

Last time I asked you if it is possible to live the Sex and the City lifestyle, most of you thought it wasn't, and I'm inclined to agree, I don't think there relationship with sex - as somewhat meaningless is very healthy. But that's just my opinion.
I also asked you about names. My name is Eleanor (call me Ellie) and I would change my name to Amalie or Isabelle.

Questions
What's your favourite musical?
What would you say to someone at the beginning of an eating disorder?

Keeping accountable.

I would LOVE to tell you that I have eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday since Friday. But that would be lying. Here is a journal extract from this weekend:

Friday: I ate my breakfast, feeling super, super positive about life,food and revision I even had lunch! Dinner came around with the family and we had fish and chips. I was going to go to the gym but my friend called me up and invited me round for a barbecue. I went. And ate another dinner. And then walked to the supermarket. And ate more. and more. Until I thought I was going to explode. I didn't purge.

Saturday: Woke up feeling tremendously guilty. Weighed myself...gain of 2lbs. Didn't eat breakfast. Ate junk food: 2 doughnuts,a chocolate éclair, a packet of hula hoops. Then went to my friends party, and ate more and more and more. So embarrassed and out of control. Went out for a night on the town, even though my exam is in 3 days. Drank: 5 glasses of wine, 3 jagerbombs, 1 sambuca and a VK. (luckily I'm hardcore - I wasn't even that drunk).

Sunday:Arrived back at my friends after town at 4 AM. Walked home at 6. Weighed myself: 0.6lbs less. Must of been the dancing. Feeling massive amounts of guilt for not purging more.


Still, even though I've had a really rubbish food weekend, the social side has been AWESOME! Her are some pictures:











So there is the accountable version of my weekend.

Questions.
1. Is Sex and the City realistic? Do you think anyone ACTUALLY lives like that?
2. If you could change your name, what would it be to?

GOOOOOOOD NEWS!!!!

I have some news which I hope you will like: today at exactly quarter to ten, I got up from revision. Went downstairs. Got a bowl. And made porridge. Cut up half a banana and got some walnuts. I then ate it. All of it. This is the first time I have eaten breakfast in months.

Your comments really put things into perspective, I read them through this morning and cried at your loveliness, hearing these things are hard to take in, and I honestly don't think I would have got the courage this morning to eat breakfast without the encouragement you gave me. Thank you so much.

I want to live in the present - not worrying about lunch...not worrying about dinner...not worrying about the scales. And to do that I just need to respond to my hunger signals as they come. When I realise I feel hungry I can get a snack, or eat my meal. I eat it slowly and mindfully, thinking about how I feel while I eat, and when I feel full I'm going to put down my knife and fork, and stop eating.

I'm expecting ups and downs.

Feelings:
1. I think I feel a bit relieved. Relieved that I think I'm going to be okay.
2. I still feel apprehensive and a bit scared about: looking fat on holiday, getting really bloated, my Mum saying I look a bit 'big'. I'm worried that tomorrow my weight is going to be really 'high'.
3. I'm worried that I'm going to put on a lot of weight, all I want to do is maintain.

But the things I'm worried about are in the future, so right now, right this very second I don't need to worry.
Quick question: How do you maintain your weight? I'm thinking logically, and the weight I am right now is probably the weight me and my body is happiest at. It's in the healthy BMI range and it's a weight I feel 'comfortable' in.

Facts:
1. Yesterday night I couldn't sleep because I was hungry. The fact is: I don't want to feel like this because it reflects badly on my grades, and this is an important time where I need energy to revise.
2. Even if I do go up in weight tomorrow that will be because I have been eating so little and my body is readjusting.


So there we go! Sometimes you've got to go through tough emotions (see last post) to get to these brighter ones. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I just found it.

Questions:
1. What are some examples of good, healthy, filling snacks for in-between meals?
2. have you got any tips for staying in the present...not worrying about the future etc?
3. You can change the colour of the sky. What colour do you change it to?

iamnotfatiamnotfatiamnotfat (repeat until believe).

Feelings:
1. I feel like a failure because I feel like I have binged (I ate too much dinner, even though I haven't eaten anything else today). I feel like I'm going to weigh a lot tomorrow and it's really really stressing me out.
2. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for the world..I'm never going to be thin enough.
3. I feel really guilty because I haven't purged...not because I'm trying to recover...because I don't want to risk it with all my family in my house.
4. I feel miserable when I'm hungry and miserable when I'm full.
5. I feel angry because I don't think I'm going to reach my target weight by Sunday.

Facts:
1. My weight is in the healthy weight range. This means I am not fat.
2. I don't need to feel guilty about not purging. Other people eat more than me and don't purge, and I don't think they are fat.
3. The number on the scales tomorrow does not dictate my self worth.



Can someone please beat me round the head with the facts until I believe them?