Monday, 16 August 2010

Christian Camp. DONE.

Christian camp was... interesting. I really wish I could say I had a good week...but that would be lying so... the truth? I had a really bad time. I completely isolated myself and felt so miserable and had so little energy. I cried every day, and just felt so messed up.

So why did I feel so bad? Guilt. For one night stands, having sex with my boyfriend, drinking, being greedy and feeling fat. I know God doesn't want me to feel guilty, and forgives me, but the guilt is eating. me. up.

I don't know what to do about anything. My life is falling apart at the seams. I have no idea what to do in this next year, I don't know if I want to stay with my boyfriend, I can't understand my body, and I have no grasp on controlling my food intake ( binging big time). A level results come on Thursday which I am FREAKING OUT about. I'm 18 in less than 2 weeks, which feels scary because I don't want to grow up. I can't deal.

RANT RANT RANT that's all I do these days!! Someone fancy picking me out of this silly black hole?

1. Any suggestions of how to get out of a dark patch?
2. Why don't rabbits have helicopters?


Eating Alone said...

2) they are too smart to build some thing that will cost so much to maintain.

1) Here's a match. You are valuable and have just as much right as everyone else to be happy. The best way to get on track is to just follow your MP to the letter. No trying to say I'm mature and can eat when and what I want. That way there is no guilt. I'm following the MP.

Anonymous said...

rabbits prefer the scenic route.

as for the dark patch, my best advice is to take each day as it comes, and know that it will get better. i know thats not great and it doesn't really help, sending hugs.

Angela said...

I'm sorry that you are struggling with guilt. That is a horrible feeling, but nothing that you done is bad. You are a good person, and deserve to be happy. Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't have to figure everything out all at once. Just take things one at a time. Try to nurture and take care of yourself:)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you didn't have a good time at Christian camp. Do you think the guilt stemmed from attending?

And I think Angela is right-- you don't have to figure everything out all at once. Take things one step at a time-- it's a lot more manageable that way.

How to get out of a dark patch? I think what makes the biggest difference for me is social contact. If I'm alone and lonely I just think negative and depressive thoughts. But if I have someone to talk to and hug I feel a bit better.

Rabbits don't have helicopters because they are too loud and hurt their ears.

Wishing you well,

mariposai said...

Take a deep need to allow yourself to let go of the guilt. Forgive yourself - part of getting out of a black whole is putting the past behind you and realising that you can't change it, but you can shape your future. I know it's hard, and guilt just doesn't go away in a flash, but accept that as a human being you deserve kindness and compassion, and things won't always work out how you like, but there are always better things ahead to look forward to, even if you don't know what they are yet.

Be kind to yourself :-)

Sarah x