Wednesday, 21 December 2011

The story of a bulimic.

My name is Ellie. I am a 19 year old university student. I have a brother and a sister, and my parents are together. I am a diagnosed bulimic. 

Roughly three years ago I started a diet. Nothing severe, just adding more fruit and veg and eating less sugary foods. This diet signified a lot. I thought diet's were mysterious activities, only for real women. I saw this diet as my right as a (young) women. But it was more than that. Not only did it signify me growing up, it was my reaction to these hips I'd developed, this bum, these thighs. All the things that make a women, a women. As much as I wanted to be older I was scared of growing up and all that came with it. 

This harmless diet started, slowly at first, to have effects. A pound here, a pound there. It felt good. I know I wanted more. So the diet became more serious, more strict. Instead of porridge with semi skimmed milk and a banana, the milk was replaced with water, the porridge was weighed and the banana was left out. Lunch went from a sandwich with an apple, some salad, and a chocolate bar to a salad with an apple. Dinner was always a problem meal as my family are big about sit down meals.  

As this new more severe diet started taking effect and I lost roughly 7lbs I started getting obsessed. Anything to make sure the number on the scale tomorrow would be less than the number today. Breakfast was cut. Lunch was an apple or a carrot. Dinner was the same. 

Then is happened.

My first binge

It was only a small one, as my body hadn't hit the point where is craved food, where is screamed out for it's cravings. But it had an effect, this first binge brought guilt, unease, the feeling of dirtiness. So I tried to purge. I had tried a few times before but was always to nervous to actually go through with it properly. This time was different. 
Go to parents bathroom. Close their door and the en suite door. Lean over the toilet. take a few breaths and  put your two fingers down your throat. Stroke your throat. Gag...gag...and then results. Although the result was small as I was too afraid to carry on, it was a start. I didn't realise how frequent this would become.

So the first binge and purge came and went. The day after the binge I thought I should restrict more severely as I had eaten so much in that binge. Goodbye breakfast and lunch. Hello exercise. Hello purging dinner in the gym toilets. And with these ever more strict rules, these boundaries I set myself came more binges. Remembering these binges and the emotions that came with them is hard, so bear with me. 
The cycle was this:

Day one: so determined to succeed I would eat below 600 cals, and attempt to exercise it all off. 
Day two: The same as day one. 
Day three: Attempt to do the same as day one and two, but struggle more, more effort has to be into avoiding a binge.
Day Four: God I hated day four. Day four was my weakest day. Day four is when I felt so crap, so low and tired that the inevitable happened. The binge. The severity of the last three days influenced the severity of the binges. If I had fasted three days I would binge maybe two days to a week. Or it could just be an evening binge. Here is how these extreme binges went:

After dinner I would feel cheated. The dinner didn't satisfy me. The cravings were loud and the need for more was impossible to ignore. I would wait until the family had left the kitchen and it would begin. 2 chocolate bars, a packet of crisps, yoghurt, another chocolate bar, go to freezer, get a croissant, whilst defrosting it get cereal. Coat it with golden syrup. Coat croissant with peanut butter. Another chocolate bar. Another packet of crisps. Any left over desert. Toast. yoghurt. One final chocolate bar. Upstairs. Bathroom. Purge. drink lots of water to make purge easier. Finish. Go to the mirror to inspect the damage. Red eyes, sick around mouth. Breath smelling of bile. Fingers smelling of vomit. Scrub at yours hands, clean your face, clean teeth, mouthwash. Go to room. Shut door. Sit and wait for guilt. Feel dizzy and hyper. Then the guilt, the all encompassing guilt. I am worthless, how could I let myself binge? How could I ruin myself again. How could I be so weak, so feeble, so pathetic. Pure anger directed at self. 

And the cycle would begin again. The cycle would just get more and more severe until you are nothing but your bulimia. I had no time for friends, family, work, school, joy, happiness. No. Just bulimia, calories, gym and the depression that so often comes with it. Sleep was a thing of the past.

It got to a point were I could no longer hold myself together. For a week I would be hysterical every night. Unable to hold it all back. I decided I had to change, my life couldn't carry on in this way. I told my parents what had been going on. I went to the doctor. I went to counselling. But still the eating disorder would take over. For two and a half years I couldn't stay in recovery, but I could never keep up my extreme bulimic cycle. It was like the bulimia had lost it's bite. It was still there but it didn't have the same control over me. Over the years the relapses got shorter and the times of recovery got longer. Half a year ago it seemed like the eating disorder had gone for good. University started and I realised I could do and eat what I wanted. This was my most relapse, and although it was quite severe it only lasted 2 months and 8lbs long. 

So how am I today? I'm good, taking each day as it comes. Slowly. Not presuming I will never relapse again, but knowing that I will always find recovery. The journey has been long and painful, but by God I am a stronger and better person for it. I feel a greater understanding and empathy with those worse of in the mental health stakes. I am more patient and accepting of myself. I know that I am a strong person and I can overcome more than I give myself credit for. 

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Three years.

It's been roughly three years since my eating disorder really started. 3 years. Not a month, week, day has gone by when I haven't thought about weight. For 3 years. That's sad. And yet... I don't give up. My thoughts always return to purging, losing a dress size, losing 10lbs. Why? I wouldn't say I HAVE an eating disorder any more. I eat three meals a day, I'm at a healthy weight, and purging is now the exception not the rule. 

But as I sit here, in my beautiful room, I look down at my God damn thighs and just want to cry. My bum, my thighs, that wobbly bit on my arm. The new (higher) size of my jeans. I don't want to indulge in ED but I am NOT happy in this body.

University, on the other hand, makes me very happy. My flatmates are just fantastic (although it's a shame I have a big crush on one the them...not telling him or anyone...go away feelings pleeeaasseee) My course, although pretty basic at the moment is manageable and making me excited for my future career. 

This term I haven't exactly been the BEST behaved. Too many guys have stayed over in my room and I've drunk way too much for my poor liver. Hey-Ho, it's my first term and I've gotten it out of my system so now I can move on and keep trying to be a little better behaved. 

Carol concert tonight. I'm on the Christmas hype!

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Carving out my insides.

So I am really enjoying my nursing course. It's brilliant. Unfortunately I am having a hard time connecting to the girls on my course. whenever I'm around them I feel like I'm so boring and I have nothing to contribute. I just get so self conscious and embarrassed. I feel frumpy and ugly around them. Normally I don't struggle with making friends but recently my self confidence has been on a downward spiral. We went on a night out yesterday and made a right fool of myself. I got wasted and ended up having a one night stand with a total randomer. Didn't even exchange numbers. I wish I felt bad but I don't. Just numb numb numb. 

I CAN'T LOOSE ANY WEIGHT. My body seems to be refusing to let me loose. I have been eating SO healthy - lots of fruit and veg, no chocolate, no crisps etc. But no. Nothing. No change. Today I pigged out and had a meal out. Gross. So obviously I won't loose weight tomorrow. 

Just 9lbs. That's all I want to loose. Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

What a difference a month makes.

I have been at university one month. I love it...but not all of it. University has a difficult side. The food side. Each week I eat more fruit and veg and less of anything else. For example today's lunch consisted of 5 pieces of fruit. Dinner was grilled veg with pasta which I think I want to purge. 

Scratch that I tried to purge it but I thought I was choking. Need to remember to drink water whilst eating. Unfortunately I have only dropped 2lbs. Poo!

Cheerleading is going well, even though I had 2 years cheer experience as a coach and in a national champ team I got put in the beginner squad.Gutted. I really am lousy. Another problem is the coach we have has bad technique which I KNOW gets points dropped in comps. I have to zip my lips so I don't say anything. But I do love being back in cheer. 

 I love my little room at uni. I LOVE having my own space. I went home this weekend and struggled with food and also being around my family for that long. I know that sounds odd, I love them but sometimes I just need my space from them. Ohhh that sounds bitchy! Don't judge! 

my lovely room

grilled veg <3

So my plan for the next month? Drop 4lbs, pass my first assignment with top marks, start volunteering with church, make good friends on my course. I can feel my perfectionist streak coming out. 

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

For the first time in over 6 months I made myself sick. About an hour ago. I ate too much, then suddenly I realised no one was watching me. No one here knows my past, and my problems with bulimia. I have a freakin' en suite. It was so easy. 
University is hard. I haven't even started lectures and I already feel overwhelmed and out of control. I got on to the cheerleading team though :)

This week I have broken so many of my own morals. I had a one night stand with a guy my friend is in love with. I drank too much. I made myself sick. 

I think I deserve a pat on the back haha.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Hello, welcome to fat arse anon. You may join.

GUYS. I HAVE GONE UP A JEAN SIZE. I have also appeared to have acquired a less than flattering pot belly and a complementary 5lbs. Add to that a coach potato attitude and I'm well on the way to be being OOOBBEEESEEE. Okay that's an exaggeration. STILL. Yuck. 

I go to university in a week. I DON'T want to go feeling this horrid about myself. I KNOW restricting isn't a long term solution, so I think I just need to up my exercise (this week I've done nothing).

Urgh my life is falling down around me, All the things I decided I don't want to do (not getting drunk, not sleeping around, not restricting) all seem so flippin appealing right now.

I'm failing.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Bingeday Wednesday.

Today I had a binge relapse. I haven't binged like today in a decent amount of time. So in this post I want to discuss some personal triggers. First just a taste of what I binged on: 
A TON of marshmallows. Like half a bag.
3 chocolate bars.
2 packets of crisps.
Well you get the picture, there was quite a lot more than that it's all just piled up into mindless eating.

So what are my triggers?

1. CHANGE. Lots of different types of changes throw my eating. I notice I binge more after holidays, if I'm staying in a different house, if my routine changes (new job, change in family dynamics etc.) Now I can't control these changes so what can I do? How can I prepare myself?

2. BOREDOM: Oh my goodness when I'm bored I can EAT. It's just mindless grabbing from the fridge. I think that was why I overate today. I literally sat around doing nothing watching trash on TV. 

3. STRESS: Family stress, friend stress, work get the picture.

So I would say these are my top three triggers. I could really do with some tips on how to stop the binges and carry on eating in a normal, healthy way. Thanks lovelies!

Sunday, 28 August 2011

I appear to be back.

I know I said in my last post a few months ago that I was saying goodbye to this blog but I just can't stay away! I've been reading a lot of your blogs and thinking of my blogger friends. So, how has my life been going? Let's categorise! Fun fun fun!

Eating disorder
My eating has been, well, very straight forward! I know I'm eating enough (if not a little too unhealthy). I weigh myself most days just to check I'm stable. I still enjoy jogging but the last few weeks I've had a break as I've had family over and been away. But now I'm back I feel very anxious to increase my exercise. I have also been having ED thoughts in the last week about cutting down. Luckily, I KNOW that I can't go back there. This doesn't mean I won't relapse at some point in my future (I go to uni in a month and feel this will be a triggering time) but I know overall, I will never get back to the point I was. This food journey has been 3 years, I'm so ready to move on. 

Mental Health
I've taken some great steps forward in healing old wounds, especially about the sexual abuse episodes I went through. About 3 weeks ago I had my final meet up with my mentor totally opened up. I told her things I never thought I would let out. Those secrets we put in a box lock up and know if we told anyone the world would explode (FYI, it didn't). Occasional episodes of insomnia but nothing major, and nothing I can't handle. 

I'm really resisting those eating disordered thoughts at the moment. I would love to be 10lbs less, but in the long run if I did loose those 10lbs I wouldn't be any happier. 

I won't be posting a lot just whenever I feel like getting thoughts out. Hope you're all well!

Thursday, 21 July 2011

And this is goodbye.

So my lovelies, this has been coming round for a while but I feel it's time for me to end this blog. I have loved having a place where I can be honest, but it's time for me to focus on other things. China went amazingly well, I feel closed to God than ever.

So I love y'all, and I pray each of you can discover God's unending love. Bless you all

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Thankfulness list.

Every morning I write one thing I am thankful for. It can be big or small. Today it was my Dad and him helping me out with some photos I needed to print off. 

1. I don't have asthma *recently I got a chest infection and my chest was weezy, it made me thankful that I don't have it all the time.*
2. My church. *The support there never ceases to amaze me.*
3. I have all my fingers *try going a day without using your thumbs.*
4. Sports. running, badminton and cheerleading.
5. My garden *is beautiful*
6. My cousins *all such wonderful people.*
7. My body *it is totally healthy, and has so much potential.*
8. My gap year *I have learnt more in a year than I ever thought possible.*
9. Rachael, *her support means the world.*
10. I can read the bible without fear *because many can't.*

I can't believe how quickly this week has come, it was my final day at work 2 days ago, and I am NOT going to miss it. I managed to battle it out for 8 months, and let me tell you, I am worth MORE than a job that makes me feel bad about myself, everyone has a right to work in a supportive ,loving place. If you don't think you do, I implore you to find somewhere better.

I go to China in 2 days. More than a bit excited right now. 

I go to university in 2 months. My mum said something that really choked me up, "I feel like I'm standing on the side of a precipice about to fall and loose you." I love my mum so much. I will never desert her but at the same time I get the feeling I may move away from England later in life, and I hate to think of her sad about this. 

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

I passed!

Yesterday I passed my driving test! First time! I still can't believe it, I honestly thought I was going to fail. I'd told my friends "I've got a driving test tomorrow, but don't worry, I know I'm going to fail." But it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I have so much going on right now, the shop I work in has just gone into sale so it's MANIC in there at the moment. I am trying to prepare for China in a week and a half (Eeeeek) and my fabulous cousin is staying with us from Spain this week and next.

I have noticed recently that my intake still has a big influence on the way I see my body. If I eat 'more' than I think is normal then I perceive myself as fat and can only see the bad parts in the mirror.When I've eaten healthily I don't really mind it so much. I've also noticed that if I don't exercise for, say, 5 days I start feeling guilty. These are the remnants of the eating disorder. They stink! 

Running has been going okay. I ran 6 miles last week, and went swimming as well. I just wish I could run further. But hey, 2 months ago I NEVER ran, and could barely run a mile, so that's a great improvement. I also really want to take up badminton again. 

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Upset by an occupational nurse.

Yesterday I had to travel down to the town I am going to for uni to have an occupational health appointment with a nurse. So that's 3 hours travel for a 20 MINUTE meeting that could of been done over the phone. 
The only thing she needed to ask about was my eating disorder. She started with some basic questions (when) and then moved on to some slightly more personal questions (why did you get an eating disorder?) Hmmm...I said a build up of low self esteem (left out all the childhood crap as I didn't particularly want to tell all this to a total stranger) She then asked if I ever lost a lot of weight. I got to an 'unhealthy' weight. But I just said a bit. She asked if my parents had noticed the weight loss. No they hadn't. I was so embarrassed by these questions. 
She then gave me her 'professional' verdict. "I'm going to contact the university and say you have had emotional problems but not mental as from what you've told me they don't sound like mental problems. I'm no expert though." F*ck you. How DARE you tell me my problems were 'emotional' not 'mental'. You have NO IDEA the shit I've been through the last 3 years. But THANK GOD I didn't tell her any more about the disorder or she would have told them I had mental problems and although I know this is true I don't like the idea of people at uni knowing this. 

THEN she thought she would REALLY stick her foot in it. "What about now? What is your BMI?" 20 I say. She looks me up and down, "You don't look anorexic. You look slim but not anorexic." By this point I thought I might murder her. I was thinking of very gory situations that could happen to her. Do you know NOTHING about eating disorders? You do not tell a recovering person  this. Jeez. 

Thank God I'm in a place where this doesn't trigger me. 6 months a go I would have been so badly triggered by this.

On good news I watched 'Bridesmaids' yesterday and was in hysterics the whole way through. It is HILARIOUS! The funniest film I have ever seen. Massively laugh out loud.  

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Sometimes talking solves the problem.

There have been so many times where I was going through a rough patch, to do with the bulimia, sexual abuse or depression and I would lock up my feelings and not tell anyone. I kept the sexual abuse a secret for 9 years and it did some serious damage. I kept the bulimia a secret for too long. I hid my depression behind a fake smile. 

Opening up wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears each time. It took a lot of time for me to trust my mentor and church group leader enough to open up. I learnt I could trust her with the small stuff and eventually opened up with the big stuff. 

The first time I told anyone about my eating problems was with my mentor. I was at church and we were doing an alternative worship group. I was in a room that was a quiet room, for meditation. I got more and more emotional, thinking about what a mess I was in. She came over and I blurted out what was going on. It was the first time anyone had suggested bulimia. She said, "I think it's very possible you're bulimic." I nearly had a panic attack. I couldn't believe this had happened. But since that moment of opening up, although I have relapsed lots I have never got WORSE than that time when no one knew. Each time I relapse, I notice the relapse is A LOT shorter the sooner I tell someone. 
The hardest time I've ever opened up was talking about the sexual abuse I went through when I was younger. That was really hard, and I still haven't told her, or anyone the full story. It still hurts too bad. I might challenge myself and tell her soon. Letting out that secret left me feeling very vulnerable and very manic. But in the long term it was worth it.

I know talking doesn't heal, but it's a damn good start. If you have secrets, I urge you to find someone you can talk and open up. 

Monday, 20 June 2011

Telling parents about eating disorders.

I thought I would share the story of how I told my parents about my bulimia.

Although looking back at photos my parents say it's obvious I look ill at the time they didn't notice my deathly pale hue, up and down weight etc. I was VERY secretive when it came to my parents and had the idea that if I told my parents about my bulimia they would be really angry and disappointed in me. As my eating disorder got worse, my mood turned black. I remember the Worst Week. I had a 3 day fast, followed by extreme binge/purge sessions on and off for the rest of the week. I was barely sleeping as it was, and by this time I was secretly taking diazepam to get to sleep. I had run out and got roughly 9 hours sleep over the entire week. I cried hysterically every night, muffling the noise with my pillow so no one would hear. Every time I crossed a road I felt tempted to just close my eyes and step out, hoping to end the pain. 
This was the week I told my parents.
It was a Sunday, the last day of that horrid week. I had been to church and cried out to God. When I got home utterly exhausted I went straight to my room. My mind was in a dark place. I sat and cried. I know I'd never hit a low like this and decided I just couldn't continue the secret any more. I prayed for God to give me the strength to tell.
 I went to their room and my mum was in bed, reading. I was already crying. "Mum, I've got to tell you something, I have booked an appointment with the doctor. I think I might be bulimic. Please don't be angry." My mum was amazing. So supportive. She asked lots of questions and got my dad, who she told. They were both gentle, kind and understanding. They offered to come to the doctor with me, but I decided to go it alone. They couldn't understand why I thought they would be angry or disappointed in me. 
Looking back I don't know why I thought this. The eating disorder had been lying to me. Feeding me those lies. You have failed them. You have disappointed them. These things, they are not true. 100% lies. 

Don't let an eating disorder fool you. They are purely evil. 

Friday, 17 June 2011

Giving up refined sugar.

Yesterday I started doing research into refined sugar, and I got a little freaked! I couldn't believe how many regular, every day foods that have added sugar. It scared me. So today I tried to cut down on my refined sugar.
So here is how the day went

So breakfast, I thought this would be an easy meal to avoid refined sugar. Then I looked at my cereal boxes. The majority have sugar listed in there top 3 ingredients. I ended up having Wheetabix with strawberries.
Later I snacked on a banana.
Lunch came, and I tend to have a bread based lunch. I settled on a bagel, but still wasn't sure if it was okay! A bagel with tuna, tomato and rocket. I was really craving something sweet after this so had dried apricots and a couple of  prunes.
Throughout the afternoon I had more apricots, a pair and some more strawberries.

For dinner I had chicken wraps. MORE strawberries for dessert.

When I inputted this into a health website it said I'd gone quite a bit over the sugar allowance....WHAT?!?!?!  Seriously?? How? Gah this got me annoyed.
Anyway tomorrow I am working 6 hours, which is not too shabby, then having a nice walk or run home as I haven't exercised today cause I've felt under le weather.
In regards to the post that I wrote about last post I have changed the title and got rid of the link, this has really eased my conscience on the matter, cheers for the advice duckies!

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Should I delete my most popular post?

I did a post in December called "How to become anorexic fast, scary scary website." and let me tell you, it's had quite a few views. I just checked my stats and apparently it's had 1,513 views. I really don't know how I feel about this. I think it's doing the opposite of what I meant it to do. I wanted to bring awareness to the horrid ways people exploit this illness, but I think it's just directing people who want to get ill to the horrid money making website. I think I might delete it. Thoughts?

Today has been a rather insignificant day, but pleasant none the less! I brought a pair of TOM's for my trip to China (an awesome buy one pair of TOMS and they give one to a child in need of shoes!) Now THAT'S feel good shopping. After the internet shop I went for my run. It was...a bit of a fail. I managed 1.7 miles but I just couldn't get in the mood and my legs were stiff and yucky. (plus I needed to pee...piece of advice my dears, never run on a full bladder.)
I got them in navy blue.

After watching the hard hitting "Sri Lanka's killing fields" yesterday today I was in a documentary mood, so watched the controversial "Terry Pratchett: choosing to die." I think it was pro euthanasia programme but it kind of put me off. I was pretty pro choice, but it all seems so cold and...I may be stating the obvious but unnatural. Definitely left me thinking on the subject. 

Anyway, next post I want to bring up the idea of cutting out refined sugar. 

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Bulimia is not a diet.

BULIMIA WILL NOT HELP YOU LOOSE WEIGHT. It might help you loose a few pounds at first. Before the binges start. Before you find yourself eating. and eating. and eating. Until you feel so awful. So terrible. So utterly ashamed. You make yourself sick. And feel a little better. For 10 minutes. Then the guilt. For days. 

A few months in... only a few pounds down. Yet you're loosing your hair. Your teeth are sensitive. You bloat REALLY easily. Your skin is spotty and pale. 

A few more months... handfuls of hair out in the shower. When you walk it feels like you're floating. But not in a nice way. In a horrible disconnected way. You can't concentrate and you constantly feel grumpy and irritated. You consider closing your eyes and walking into the road. The idea seems better and better. All because you binged that morning. Because you can't loose enough weight.    

Bulimia is a cruel circle. Break free.

This year is moving  so fast. Yet so much has been achieved in one short year. Since my last relapse I feel even stronger in recovery if that's possible.
 I have gotten to a relationship with food which I have never had, and never thought I would have. I enjoy food, but know that I don't enjoy it if I overindulge. I know that if I eat too little I WILL end up eating too much eventually. I know my eating disorder is not a good, long term way to loose weight. I know I don't need to loose weight.

So how have I learnt this? Well first off, I started to listen to what people tell me. At work in the clothes shop customers often compliment my figure, and my work colleagues often say I am thin etc. etc. I think my Mum who often makes comments that make me feel like a podge is the exception. She thinks I'm chunky but the majority of the world doesn't! Wahooo!!!

These last few weeks have been awesome... I've been preparing for my holiday to China, I've been to Alton Towers (a theme park) and just generally enjoying life. My jogging has been coming along, and I'm enjoying it more and more. 

I feel like my life is starting to come together in a wonderful way.

But I'm still nervous that I'm 'growing up' because I still feel 12!

Okay, okay random post, I want to start blogging more and with more direction.

Looking at the brighter side of life (this is my favourite place in the world. A beautiful area  someone in my family have been going to for 80 years.

Sri Lanka documentary.

I have just watched channel 4's documentary on Sri Lanka's war. Please take one hour to watch it.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Living life day to day.

Yesterday I did something super awesome....I resigned from my job! I gave in my months notice because I'm travelling in 5 weeks time. I wrote a letter thanking them etc. and they said that if I wanted to come back over summer just call them up and they'll give me any spare hours. I am SO grateful for this as I was worried I was going to be broke over summer. Such a relief.

After resigned I had arranged to meet up with a guy friend I've written about before write at the start of this blog. We've known each other for a few years, and a while back he told me he had feelings for me (I kinda knew, he wasn't so subtle) and I had to be really straight and say that nothing would ever happen. I'm really struggling to keep him as a friend because he's so over the top flirty and I don't like it. I've tried talking to him about it but I'm worried I'll have to cut him out.

I wrote a while about on my crack down on alcohol. I still haven't drunk for quite a long time but I'm scared that the next time I go out with my friends I will go wild.  Once I have one drink I struggle to stop. I'm just praying God will help me overcome the temptation. Especially as I go to university in a few months, and drinking lots and lots is the norm but I really don't want to get drunk any more because I act so badly.

My food intake is going okay, I'm taking it one day at a time. I try not to think about the next days intake. And I limit myself to weighing myself twice a week. I've even FORGOT to weigh myself a few time! Yay!

Been quite distant from this blog, don't really have much to say at the moment. Hope you're all well.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

What's your spark?

Everyone has a spark: something that makes you, YOU. They are the hidden flames that excite you and tap into your true passions. They could be musical, athletic, intellectual, academic or relational. Anything that get's your worked up and excited.
So what is my spark? I would say empathy and working with children. These two 'sparks' are traits that have moulded my decision to go into paediatric nursing. I used to think that my gifts weren't 'real' gifts, and the best gifts were the ones you could show (sports, music art etc.) but I've realised my spark is JUST as important and I'm learning to embrace my gifts not resent them.
I would say everyone has many sparks, not only one. Here is a list of some sparks.

Athletics (football, running, gymnastics, cheerleading, rugby etc.)
Musical (composition, playing an instrument, singing)
Intellectual (ability in maths, science, history, english, languages etc.)
Relational (empathy, social, easily makes friends, good listener, welcoming, leadership etc.)
Others I can't think of a category for: writing, appreciation of movies, books, looking after the elderly, DIY, performance.)
The list could go on!

I think in school every pupil should be supported in finding there spark and encouraging them in it.

SO what's your spark?

Monday, 30 May 2011

Rebecca Black: the state of society.

Rebecca Black. The 14 year old viral superstar who hit youtube with a bang. Before giving my view let me share some of the comments I have found on her:

"Rebecca black is a c*nt,hoe,b*tch,asshole,cock sucker and a b*tch,ugly,lame,fake,stupid,idiot."

"Is Rebecca Black pregnant?
She LOOKS pregnant, but i don't think any guy would fck her"

"Shes 13, wow, a little to much make-up?"

"she has a big nose"

"SHE LOOKS FUCK'N UGLY. Someone should beat her up"

"rebecca black, we don't hate you because your famous, your famous because we hate you."

"Rebecca bitch ! I wish Rebecca will commit suicide on Friday ! Urghhh."

"She's damn ugly and sucks.. ugly betty .. and fat."

These are just a few of the many, many hateful words.

There are articles on how Black's hit 'Friday' reflects the state of pop, however I think Rebecca Black is the number one example of the state of society. When did it become okay to send death threats to a 14 year old girl? When did it become okay to judge a person so harshly on a music video? On a song? In a survey 76% of participants said Rebecca Black attack comments are justified. Do we really want to be known an age of hate, of cyber attacks? Of bullies?

Okay, so the actual song isn't all that brilliant, I admit when I first heard it I laughed at the lyrics. But it's not HIDEOUS. I decided to download it and after listening to it a few times it's really grown on me, it's damn catchy and upbeat and makes me smile. It's not worthy of death threats. In a mini experiment I played the song to my mum, who doesn't know about the whole Black fiasco. I asked her what she thought of the song,
"Odd, quirky, about mundane things."
"Is it a bad song?"
"I wouldn't say bad...just unusual."
"Would you describe it as awful?"
"No definitely not."
I then went on an explained the hysterical scorn behind the song. She was shocked and saddened. I know my Mum isn't exactly a music mogul but the fact she didn't HATE it highlights that maybe it's not so bad? Maybe it can just be seen as fun? Light? Quirky?

Not only has it become acceptable for the everyday cyber bully to comment, but those in the public eye have joined in. Katy Perry did a cruel off key rendition of Friday, Charlie Sheen tweeted "Rebecca black, we don't hate you because your famous, your famous because we hate you." Miley Cyrus and Beiber have also joined in with jibes.

The comments on her physical appearance are so cutting, harsh and upsetting. How upset do you feel when someone makes a jibe about your appearance? Imagine being told "I hope you get an eating disorder so you look pretty." You should be ashamed. Why do we feel the need to BREAK PEOPLE DOWN?

Imagine for one moment if this girl was your friend. Your daughter. Your sister. Imagine how helpless you'd feel against this unbelievable level of hate. Should any teen have to deal with this? I don't think so.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Getting on with life...RECOVERY STYLE!

Who cares if I slipped? Some might say "Well that just SHOWS you're not recovered." I like to think of it like this...yes I relapsed, but I also dragged myself out before I got too deep. I knew perfectly well the relapse would end (that sounds odd but I KNEW it was going to be a short relapse). 

So what does normal life in recovery look like? At the moment it looks like this: working at an underwear shop (I LOVE helping people find what they want, and helping them find out what their size is), on my days of I enjoy  learning French via the internet, reading a kick ass book (at the moment it's 'Passion for Jesus' v inspiring), filling out forms for university (3 months to go!) going for a jog every now and then. Well you get the picture, at the moment my life is pretty damn leisurely. 

There is so much more to life than food. I mean look at my "50 things to do before I die" list (on the right) I want to do ALL of these! Do you realise how HARD it would be to do these things whilst hanging onto an eating disorder. THEY CONSUME YOUR LIFE. 

Monday, 23 May 2011

Regaining normality

These last few weeks have been full of the repercussions of restricting. Namely: bloating, bad body image, putting on the weight I 'lost' and binging. After restricting my calorie intake goes quite high due to binging, but lessens to a normal amount as the weeks go on. Yesterday was my first relatively normal intake day. Scale wise I haven't been weighing myself everyday (RESULT!!) but every two of three days. Yay! 

On other news I am seriously considering getting plastic surgery - a boob job. I have always wanted one. After uni, if I still want one I will set up a savings account for one. I don't want HUGE boobs, just a couple of sizes up. I think then I would be happier with having larger hips as I will look balanced out :) 

A while ago I wrote about modelling for a friends photography project. She sent me some of the photos today. I'm not sure I like them, but I don't mind them. Blogger is playing up so I can only put these two up.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Weighing myself in a controlled way.

This morning was the first day in 3 days that I weighed myself. I KNEW the number would be up. I stepped onto the scale and accepted the number. Yes, it's up. But the way I was restricting was taking off 'fake weight'...I mean if I can put on the weight again in like 3 days I obviously hadn't really lost it properly. That's okay with me. 

Yesterday me and my family were sitting around the table, my Mum looking in the freezer for ice cream for desert. She stormed in, "Whose eaten three of these choc ices?" My dad looked sheepish and raised his hand. Everyone started having a go at him. Let me explain the situation. My dad is quite overweight and is on a diet at the moment. He is eating a low number of calories. It's been like 6 weeks, he's lost 20lbs. It's not a healthy diet. On these diets my dad has binges. My family plain old don't understand the pull towards a binge. They think it's easy not to binge. I understand my dad. I understand how HARD it is to resist a binge. I felt so sorry for him. He's trying to loose weight, he doesn't need his family shouting at him to stop binging. 
Later that day I asked Mum why Dad hadn't got help for his eating problems (I believe he has a binge eating disorder) and my Mum seemed she'd never considered he has a serious problem. I don't know what to do to help my dad. 

Thank you for the tremendous support you are showing me. I SO appreciate it.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Cutting out bad habits and adding good ones!

Last post I wrote about getting my mind back into a healthy place after this small relapse. What does this involve? In a few steps, this is what I am, and will be doing.

Step one: Up calorie intake. I have completed this step, by moving my calorie intake from around 800 to 1,200 - 2,000. 

Step two: Stop weighing myself so much. I am going from weighing myself around 6 times a day, to once every couple of days. From here I will move to once a week, then from there...who knows. I didn't weigh myself this morning, and I don't want to weigh myself tomorrow. 

Step three: Stop exercising obsessively. Tomorrow I am going to cancel my gym membership which I have had for like 17 months, so this is a BIG deal for me. Now that I am running back from work, and walking to work I don't feel the need to go to the gym. 

These are the physical changes I need to make. After these are done I can start addressing the reasons that triggered me, and looking deeper into why I still feel the need to monitor my weight so rigorously. 

Do you know what is AMAZING? How much easier running is when I have eaten properly. Like I managed to beat my fasted time running home from work by 6 minutes today. 

I was wondering if I could share my intake today and get your opinion? Is it enough? Too much? Am I missing any food groups?

Breakfast: 2 Scrambled eggs on 1 piece brown toast.

Lunch: 1 cheese and tomato sandwich, 1 kiwi, some cherry tomatoes, packet of crisps, dates, small chocolate bar. (written down that lunch seems so big :(

Dinner: Sausage casserole. 

Desert: choc ice bar. 


Saturday, 14 May 2011

Getting my mind into a healthy place.

I woke up this morning, and realised this last few days I have been thinking more and more about FULL recovery. I don't want to binge. I don't want to purge. I don't want to restrict. I want to be able to nourish my body with the nutrients it needs so I can run, work and have fun. Calorie counting makes me boring. Restricting for just a month makes me feel worthless and disgusting.

I have decided to try and  eat healthily. Normally after a relapse I BINGE for around a week, but I am going to take this recovery one step at a time. Eating good foods that will fill me up and not trigger binges. So lots of fruit, veg, protein, etc. With the occasional treat thrown in.

For breakfast I have ready brek with a fat free yoghurt.

As much as it makes me want to cry I need to realise I'm never going to be really thin. This is my body, and my shape. I need to learn how to accept this. 

Friday, 13 May 2011

Constantly wanting to sleep.

So the clock hits 7:30pm. And what do I want to do? Sleep. I'm so tired these days. It hits me in the early evening. In the day time at work I just want to lie on the ground and close my eyes. Just thinking about a full day of work tomorrow makes me yawn.

Today I saw my mentor, and I just feel awful now. When I talk about my problems they get even harder to deal with because when I talk about my eating issues, I feel SO much guilt that I'm not thinner. I feel like such a failure that I can't loose enough weight. That I binge.

 I haven't felt this worthless in quite a while.

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Raised anxiety levels.

My anxiety levels are high today, I think this is the aftermath of yesterday's binge. Let me tell you about what happened after the binge. I had to lie down and not move. I was in SO much pain. My stomach was bloated beyond belief and I was so full I felt physically drunk. I couldn't move for the rest of the evening. Today I really struggled not to continue the binge, but I didn't. Intake:

Breakfast: light yogurt (99C)
Lunch: cup of soup (60C)
Dinner: Heat up lasagne.
Snacks: satsuma.
Desert: 3 teacakes with strawberries.

I walked to work (one hours walk) and jogged back.

I didn't actually put on that much weight yesterday. 0.4lbs. But I have a feeling tomorrow my weight will be up more.

One interesting thing that came out of yesterday's binge. Mid binge I was feeling so distraught I texted my mentor, saying I was binging and purging again. We are meeting up tomorrow. I so badly want to get smaller. So freakin badly. I'm scared I'm going to fail.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

The hit of the relapse.

One and a half hours of binge. Hideous, raw, disgusting binge. started with a chocolate bar. Then cookie, then left over quiche. Then another ohh 5 chocolate bars (maybe more. I didn't care to count). Toast with peanut butter. Yoghurt. Cheese. More chocolate. Packet of crisps. Final bit of chocolate. And here I am. Still going to eat dinner. In so much pain I just want to shut myself down. The guilt will start to hit me soon and will wash over me like waves for the next few days. I purged after the quiche but as you can see, the binge continued well after that. Just frantically looking for food I could stuff in my greedy mouth. Hello half a stone I've lost...I haven't missed you at all. God I hate myself right now. 


If anyone has twitter please tell me your name on it and I will follow you, this is my twitter:!/elle_notts


Tuesday, 10 May 2011

How the shoot went.

I had the best time at a photoshoot for a friend doing a graphics course. The theme was Spring makeup M.A.C style. My friend is incredible at make up so gave me two looks, one involving a lot of pink, the other an orange look (as seen in the picture) hair and make up took 2 hours, the shoot took one hour. She is going to send me the finished shots when she's done editing them.

Now I know my last post sounded confusing- it didn't show my mood very well. Basically I'm surprised that I'm in a good mood even though I'm in a relapse, normally I'm super depressed when my intake is low. For example today I have eaten a banana. And drunk coffee and that's it. But I feel fine! Happy! Jovial! Going to eat a fatty dinner with the family (fray bentos pie and chips *shudder*) I may end up purging when I go to the gym at 8. 

Now on to some amazing  news. I am taking a trip in July with a Christian organisation, and I have been freaking out about it recently because it is so out of my comfort zone. Well I got an email yesterday from the organisation giving me the email of the only other person from the UK coming on the trip (the other people with all be international) and guess what....she lives in my town....she's my age...AND we are doing nursing....the same branch...children's. Wow. Out of all the people that could have applied she did. I think this is a huge blessing from God as we can meet up and travel together and get to know each other before we go!

Monday, 9 May 2011

Happily floating on through.

Got to keep up the impression of happiness. Working well so far. Genuinly AM happy though so it's not very hard. My real challenge will come when I have coffee with my mentor (I tell her everything). I MUST NOT tell her about this relapse. If I tell someone I will fail and not loose any weight. 

I've been having a not so fun reminder of what binge/purge session are like. Only happened once. Yesterday was a major control day. I decided that there was no way I was going to loose control. And I didn't. 

If I loose 5 more lbs the REAL game starts. This is just the adverts to the real film. I've lost the 5lbs I've lost so far many times. If I loose 5 more then I start getting serious. 

On a brighter note I have a lovely week ahead, going shopping today, seeing friends throughout the week, only working on thursday, saturday and sunday which is a nice change from the 7-day weeks I've been working. 

Does anyone know how to avoid getting a stitch when running?

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Total feeling of FAILURE.

I thought if I can loose weight maybe that means I can be a success. Maybe I can mean something. Maybe I can be good at something. But yet again I failed. I am, at heart, a failure. I binged. That will put me like 2lbs up tomorrow. So dissapointed in myself.

My bulimic eating disorder tricks me, says "You know what? You deserve recovery, eat fish and chips, 3 chocolate eggs, ryvita with loads of cheese, a fatty yogurt, some ice cream. You won't feel guilty because it's okay." Then 5 minutes after the binge. The guilt. The overwhelming feeling that starts in your gut and moves to your head and takes over your body. You want to hit your head so hard against a wall. You're loosing a fight against yourself. The thoughts "How did you ever think it was okay to eat all that? Hm? How STUPID are you? You put your food cravings before loosing your huge thighs. You've failed BIG TIME and now you must feel the guilt."

I tried to purge but my gagging was too loud and I got scared someone would care. God I'm pathetic.

Friday, 6 May 2011

No need to worry dearies.

Last post I got some comments along the line of "Maybe you should look for help etc." But basically I am at a healthy weight. Not even a low healthy weight a medium healthy weight. There is no way I need help at the moment so don't worry my dears! I am still eating 3 meals. Today I had:

Breakfast: banana and coffee.
Lunch: packet of crisps, yogurt, coffee.
Dinner: 2 slices of pizza. Coffee (got the running theme yet? haha.)
Plus this evening I am allowing myself an 80cal snack. Not sure what it will be yet. I ran home from work but struggled because my legs felt so flippin weak.

You know the new girl I posted about yesterday? The skinny one? Today she commented I had a tiny waist, so I was like "urmm girl have you seen yourself? You're tiny!" She told me she had lost a lot of weight. "How?" I asked stupidly.
"I don't just came off. I smoke a lot of weed which speeds up your metabolism. Plus I don't really like eating much."

My competitve side is well and truely out. I'm even setting competition against myself like "DON'T TELL YOUR MENTOR THE TRUTH. SEE HOW LONG YOU CAN GO WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE HOW YOU REALLY FEAL." It's quite hard as I pretty much tell my mentor everything.

I was up 0.2lbs this morning so I felt well and truely down. God if I've gone up tomorrow I don't know what I'll do. Cry probably haha.

Thursday, 5 May 2011


I have had a VERY strange day at work. A few things sparked my eating disorderd mind.

1. New Girl at work. I am used to being the thinner one at work . Today my 'title' was taken. New girl enters. My heart stops. She is tiny. Same height as me. Exact same coloured hair. Hell....her name is even similar to mine (Ellie and Ellen.) She is a prettier, thinner version of me. Her collar bones stuck out more. Her hip bones were more visible through the work dress (funnily enough we had brought the same one) She had WAY thinner legs. The competitive/jelous side arose. You're fatter than her. She's way prettier. You are FAT. Get like her. UGLY FAT SLUGGISH. You couldn't even be bothered to walk to work. Took the bus. You have to walk back from work. I bet you binge tonight. You are a FAILURE. You will NEVER be thin enough. You always BACK OUT. YOU ALWAYS BINGE YOU ALWAYS BINGE AND GIVE UP AND THIS SHOWS YOU WILL NEVER BE A SUCCESS. 
All this brought about by the new girl.

2. An old friend popped into the shop. "Ellie you've lost weight". You've.Lost.Weight. Those three little words that spark something deep inside me. She thinks you were fat before. Got to keep loosing. Can't let people down. YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED. YOU WILL NEVER LOOSE ENOUGH WEIGHT. WHERE IS YOUR SELF CONTROL? 

3. My supervisor asked me straight out today, "Do you have an eating disorder?" In front of everyone. Of course I denied it and laughed. "Well you have some weird eating habits (to the other girls) once for lunch she had olives and a carton of blueberries."   ps. This is the kind of food I like. That was a normalish lunch for that time and I still think of it as pretty normal. One part of me was proud someone thought I had an ED. The other made me feel terrible. HIDE IT BETTER YOU ARE LOOSING THE GAME. HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS. HIDE HOW YOU FEEL. DON'T BREAK. DON'T CRACK. SMILE FOR GOD'S SAKE.

That was my day.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Asked to model.

In the last month two of my friends have asked me to model for them, for photography portfolios. I did this for a few friends a while ago, but I feel so apprehensive to the idea of having people take pictures of me....look at photos of me....judge me. The idea of posing and them seeing me and thinking 'I shouldn't of asked her, she's got bigger' makes me feel sick.

I know I couldn't deal with any more modelling after having a self portrait done in Paris. People walked past and looked at it and me and I felt so awful, like I knew they were saying stuff and I was so anxious.

Right now I feel so, so big. I lost 2lbs in Paris, so overall I've lost 4lbs in 9 days. Need to loose more. So badly.
I had too much for dinner. 1 and a half jacket potatoes with beans and cheese, a big yogurt and some sweets. Feel disgusting.

Want to CUT the fat off my thighs.

Back from Paris, why are the French so thin?

Paris was beautiful. Utterly and completely perfect. The UK seems VERY dull in comparison. Me and my Mum only went for a couple of days but we managed to fit in a hell of a lot without getting tired (that's French coffee for you!) In one day we: went up the eiffel tower, went to the louvre, walked to sacre coure, saw the Moulin Rouge, got a self portrait done in mon martre, shopped, saw the place 'The phantom of the Opera' is filmed, waled from the arc de triumph to the tuilleries. Basically we did a hell of a lot in one day. We walked for a good 10 hours around the stunning streets of Paris, in total awe of the architecture.

When we did sit down we people watched (one of our favourite hobbies) and we came to two conclusions. 1. The French have impecible style. 2. The French are ALL slim. Parisian style is what I aspire to, the simplicity and elegance that they pull of with such ease. (F.Y.I. need to get a trench coat.)

But why are they so thin? Me and mum had a few theories. It seems the French like to take hours eating one meal, they make it into such a social occasion that they eat at a snails pace. We also thought the coutry has an attitude that it simply isn't acceptable to be larger, which is more acceptable here in England. Any thoughts? Why do you think they, as a nation have the lowest obesity rate in Europe?

Saturday, 30 April 2011

Running on empty.

Today I've restricted.

Breakfast: low cal yogurt: 86 cal

Lunch: 1/2 an easter egg - 256 cal.

Then I did 6 hours at work and jogged home.Ouch, running when hungry is so much harder. But I pushed through until I got the worst stitch, but it was only near the end of the run. What are you meant to do when you get a stitch? Run through it? I tried to keep running but I was in so much pain. I felt like a failure.

Right now I'm in front of the TV with a small bowl of pasta. I'm struggling to eat it.It's already gone cold haha.

Exciting news:

I'M GOING TO PARIS TOMORROW :D   I am very very excited and since I've only been once when I was very young so I can't wait to explore the city. The only thing I'm worried about is the food. What if I put on lots of weight? I'm only going for 3 days but I'm still freakin' out a little. But I'm not going to let that ruin my trip!

Just a quick update on the triggering book I posted about, it's Thin by Grace Bowman. I'm still reading it (when I start a book I can't stop reading it.)

Friday, 29 April 2011


I just purged for the first time in 8 months. I ate so much today:

Breakfast: yogurt - 86C

Lunch: STUPID number of mini sausage rolls and chocolate. 1 sandwhich.

Dinner: started as just a 86C yogurt and a banana....then had some crisps...then pavalova....then pie. Then I purged.


Thank you my lovelies, especially you Vicki for the support and love you've been sending me.

Yesterday I didn't want to eat. At all. I went out with my BEST friend C, we went shopping then out for a meal and I was in turmoil over what to get. I ended up eating so much. I hate myself for it.  Sandwhiches, scones, a cake, urgh. So I didn't have dinner. I ended up going out last night with all my friends and drinking quite a lot. Right this moment I'm watching the royal wedding and I've only had 3 hours sleep. It started off as a great night but by 3 I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. My friends wanted to stay so I did....until half 4. I was so stressed out and tired and just wanted to leave but I didn't have any money.

I weighed the same today as I did yesterday which I'm okay with. My daily calorie intake is around 1000-1500.

Not to going to lie....still a little drunk....goinbg to cut this post short :D

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Upset by triggering book.

Stupidly this morning I brought a book I knew I would find triggering. Literally a minute ago I came across a line that had me turn over the book and nearly start crying:

"She stepped on the scales and was heavier than she thought (she was heading for nasty nine stone.)"

Seriously. I'm upset by that. I am over this weight and it just makes me feel like a failure. Like I'm nasty for being over that says it writing....NASTY NINE STONE.

It's my own fault. I shouldn't have brought the book.

Running success!

Yesterday I went for my first proper run EVER. I challenged myself and decided to run home from work (3.6 miles) I took my running gear to work and at 6:30 my run started! And I was pleseantly surprised..I honestly didn't think I would be able to run very far, maybe run a few minutes walk and repeat. But I kept going and kept going and ran the whole way. It took me quite a long time (40 minutes) but there is a HUGE hill at the end of the run which took me quite a while. Hopefully the more I run home the faster I will get. I really enjoyed it. It's so freeing to all your daily problems.

Food wise I was still pretty restrictive. Yogurt, veg, ranch dip, creme egg, salmon pasta, rhyvita with marmalade,  a small piece of pie. That's what I ate. I have dropped another 0.4lbs. I have 1.6lbs to loose before my first 'goal weight'. I would ideally like to loose 8lbs in total.

I am focusing so much on self control at the moment. I feel like I've always lacked self control and now I'm testing myself.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Trigger warning: Calorie talk.

Yesterday I had a normal dinner after my smaller lunch and breakfast, then had decaf coffee in the evening. After 500 cals for lunch+dinner, I reckon the whole day was somewhere around 1300. Plus I did an hours walk. I can tell I restricted yesterday because of how I slept last night, I basically was very restless, and, well, hungry. It reminded me of my literally sleepless nights a few years ago whereI would go days with no sleep.

This morning I have had a 94.9 C yogurt and coffee. For lunch I have prepared cut up pepper, carrot, olives and pickled onions and I'm taking dip with me. I'm doing a 7 hour shift then jogging home which is about 3.5 miles.

Thankyou for all the comments, I know I shouldn't compare myself to my brother but I still feel humiliated that I weigh more than him. I also know that this restricting won't get me any place good but hell when was I ever logical?

Lost 1lb since yesterday.

Monday, 25 April 2011

restricting feels good. damn it.

Today I want to restrict. I hate my body. I loathe it. Breakfast was a banana. Lunch was chocolate buttons and a can of tuna.95 cals plus 146 caps plus 250.506 cals in total seems a lot. I miss the days when I could eat nothing for lunch or breakfast. Maybe I will cut it down, 200 c for breakfast, 200 for lunch.
My dad is on an extreme diet at the moment, he's lost 13lbs in 3 weeks.
Today I am scared of recovery, scared my mind will want to recover.
I found out i weigh more than my brother. He has crohns which means he struggles to put on weight. I am so embarrassed that I weigh more.
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Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Fitness is FUN.

Recently I've been going crazy over group fitness classes. I've been a member of my gym for a year now. But always went to the gym alone. But on a whim I decided to challenge myself and go to a class on my own. First I tried spinning (on a bike...massively hard work, very very sweaty and really gets your heart the point you think it might stop.) The buzz you get after a spin class is great. I may not enjoy working so hard at the time but you feel GREAT after. You gotta love exercise endorphins.

I've also tried 20/20 mix, 20 minutes of step, 20 of aerobics, 20 of core muscle training. Not as intense as spin, but still gets your heart pumping.

Today I tried circuit training (led by a man who looked just like George Clooney *swoon*.) It was great. Going to different 'stations' doing different exercises for short periods of time. For example 50 seconds running, 50 seconds starjumps, 50 second crunches etc. etc.

Tomorrow I have beginner pilates (I went once, very relaxing after all the heart pumping classes) and on Thursday I have kickboxercise which I haven't tried yet. I am also curious about hula hoop class, watch this space!!

I hopped on the scale this morning and I've lost another pound. This scares the CRAP outta me. When I loose weight I get a teeny bit obsessed. I have lost 3 lbs in two days. What?! How?! No idea. But damn it, this makes me want to loose more and I feel fearful that I will regain the weight.

GREAT NEWS: I have just realised I haven't purged in (drumroll please) roughly 7 months. 7 FREAKIN' months. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

If I can do it you can too girlies (yes I know what you're thinking "but I can't...I'm too deep in....I'm totally trapped....I just can't stop.) I'm walking proof you CAN. There is NOTHING special about me that I can recover and you 'can't' you can. Perseverence guys. Sucks at times, a lot at the start, relapses happen. But you can DO it. Seriously. You can.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Life update time!

Eating wise my life is very up and down. Yesterday I dropped two pounds, today I overate. The urge to purge gets greater and greater. I want so bad to loose weight. I'm doing 4 exercise classes a week, my friends say I've toned up, but I just see a big flabby mess. I weigh too much. 

On more positive news (cause sometimes pity parties aren't fun) I am still enjoying my job, I got a much better job review than I thought I would, and I'm finally making some real friends there. 

Another positive: I have just discovered the amazing world of fake tan. I brought an £8 bottle and I love it. Normally I am EXTREMELY  pale so it's lovely to have a glow. Plus I've just brought some great new makeup. I'm starting to look a little fake though... fake tan, fake eyelashes, lots of make up. I'm still considering a boob job and botox. 

Sorry I've been so distant on your blogs!

Monday, 11 April 2011

Ending this blog.

I don't know if I want to continue this blog anymore. It's not going anywhere any more. It's not interesting.

Eating disordered thoughts. Why are they back now?

This last week I have been getting eating disordered thoughts, getting louder and louder, harder to ignore. So what do I do? I binge. Damn it chocolate you are my downfall. My body image isn't that bad at the moment so I know that I'm not actually feeling fat, just out of control, and wantinmg a little more structure.

What I don't understand is how I can be okay with what I see in the mirror yet still feel fat and inadequate. I've been in bed all day. Eating and reading. Luckily I'm going to the gym tonight.

On other news, there is this guy. He's been in my life for like 2 years. I'm not interested in him romantically, but he is in me (he told me a about 5 months ago) and he got VERY possessive and needy. I decided it was best for both of us for me to cut him off. I severed all forms of contact, but didn't delete him off facebook. When I went out on Thursday I ended up drunkenly messaging him that I missed talking to him. The next day he was in contact via facebook and I don't know what to do. He wants to meet up and I think I do to (not in a romantic way, but he is a good friend of mine). But will this mess things up? I just don't know what to do!!

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Negative thinking and speaking.

So recently I listened to a podcast by Joyce Meyer and she mentioned negative thinking and it's effect. It got me thinking about how negative I am and the effects it has on my everyday life. Today at work I kind of 'listened to myself' and noticed just how flippin negative my thoughts and what I say. I complain about : the work I'm doing, if I feel hungry, what I've got to do the next week. And you know what I realised? Being negative doesn't make my life any better, it ingrains my mind with sadness and an expectation for being let down and things not going my way, when actually I am EXTREMELY happy. I have SO much to be grateful for and SO much I take for granted. Here are a few:

  1. My incredible family. Not just my close family, but my wider family. A few weeks ago I had literally a PERFECT day. I played poker for hours with my cousins who I don't get to see so much because they live in Spain, they were over for my great Uncle's funeral. Then my family and my cousins and aunt and uncle sat down for a home cooked meal, and in the evening we all sat down together and watched 'gladiator'. 
  2. I have a job! A job which pays for lots of things I like: clothes, rent, meals out, nights out. In this difficult economic time I am lucky enough to have a secure job. 
  3. MY BODY WORKS. There is nothing wrong with it! I can run, jump, skip, shout, laugh, hear, see. I don't need injections, I don't need pills. I am in great health.
I could think of endless things to write in this list, big and small. 

What are you grateful for?

Friday, 8 April 2011

Not drinking challenge: Fale.

I went out last night with my best friend. I was planning on limiting the number of drinks I didn't go quite to plan. I ended up having 3 smirnoffs, 3 shots, 2 cocktails, 2 vodka and lemonades. Whoops! I was actually at an alright level of drunk (in that I don't feel too bad today) unforunatly I did kiss one random guy which I didn't really want to do as I am trying to cut down on the amount of guys I just randomly get with.  I also had a major drunken binge. It involved Mcdonalds...and lots of it. Me and my friend always do this after a night out...last night it was....
  • One big mac
  • 6 chicken nuggets
  • fries
  • cherry pie.
Oh Lord that list is bad. Luckily this morning I hadn't put on any weight (thank goodness for spin class). 

As you may be able to tell from the tone of my post I am still trying to loose weight. I want to post my daily intake so if you get triggered by looking please don't read on:

Breakfast: Wheetabix.
Lunch: half a can of soup, 2 rhyvita, 1 banana, a yoghurt.
Dinner: Whatever my family are cooking
Snacks: coffee, diet coke, gum. 

I'm also planning on giving up chocolate after easter, kind of my own version of lent. 

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Spin class.....killer.

This morning I went to my first ever spin class....for those who don't know spin class involves a bike where you increase and decrease the intensity. It's suuchhh hard work. I've never done an exercise class before. Ive booked myself in for one tomorrow :)

I am also interested in pilates, and am booking myself into a beginer pilates class for a few weeks. The only problem I have is I get really embarrassed about how red my face goes. Like literally tomato red. Any tips to stop the redness??

Tonight is my first not getting drunk challenge. I am going out with my best friend who's back from uni and we are having a big night out. I'm actually nervous!! I'm off now to go shopping for an outfit.

I'm trying to loose weight. just a few pounds. 5 at most.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Pull y'aself together girl.

This post is a here-and-there update so I am bulletpointing all the random things I want to share today.

  • I have succesfully Pulled Myself Together. For now. It took my a few days to get out of the pity party but I'm out now. I managed to get some persepective on the eating disordered thoughts (I  weighed myself, turns out I haven't gained the 10000lbs I was convinced I had gained.)
It took my a while to get this...refer to title of post. 

 ArtFound ImagesJaded Brechtian Ennui

  • The funeral went okay. A good turnout. It turns out my Uncle had passed on a message to the minister before he died, for her to say at the funeral. The message was to his wife, my aunt "I know I am not the most demonstative man, but I love you, and have been so happy with you, God blessed me the day I met you." My uncle wasn't one for being emotional, so this was a beautiful moment to share with my aunt. 

  • Sometimes good things come out of bad situations, even though it's awful my uncle has died, it meant my cousins from Spain were able to come over to us in England and spend time with us, they spent the day with us yesterday, we played poker for hours, chatted, watched films. It was a practically perfect day. I love my family so much. I am so blessed to have been put in my family.

  • A few posts ago I wrote of how I was changing my behaviours, and one of these was the amount of alcohol I consume. I haven't drunken for months now, and I could tell when I had one gin and coke today and it went STRAIGHT to my head. Wooosh. I like it that I can tell I haven't drunken at all recently. I had it 2 hours ago and I'm still a little light headed. (I know I know....I'm turning into my mother.)

  • Right now I am resisting eating more sweet food, as I have already had a cake this evening, I'm not restricting as I let myself have the cake, I am practising stopping when I'm full. After 20 minutes the urges to eat lots of sweet things dies down, and I find it easier to resist them. Yay :)