Saturday, 23 March 2013

'Everything in moderation' SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

"You can eat anything as long as it's in moderation, binges are bad for you as is restricting." The number of times I've heard this is unbelievable. It feels like I've heard it thousands of times. Do people really not think I know this? I have a freakin' eating disorder I have read every nutrition and health book I could get my hands on. Of course I know that rationally moderation and exercise is the  best. But what others don't understand is quite how HARD moderation is for me.

I don't know about other eating disordered people but moderation is so difficult for me, even though I'm way far on the recovery path. Eating just a few squares of chocolate instead of the whole bar is a big challenge for me, meaning I can't buy really nice (ie foods I used to binge on) items because I will devour the whole lot in one sitting. Leaving food on my plate is REALLY HARD. The same struggle is there in the gym. If I haven't been x amount of times I might as well not have gone at all. If I eat certain foods I feel like I've automatically put on HUGE amounts of weight.

However the thing about recovery is persistence. This Christmas was the first Christmas I have had when I honest to God didn't really think about food and calorie intake. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full, I didn't have to think about it. And that gives me so much hope. Right now I'm struggling a little more. I am very aware of what I'm eating which I know can easily turn into cutting down, which leads to calorie deficit, leading to weight loss, leading to binges, leading to purges aaaand repeat. So I am putting up a fight, trying to avoid my triggers, trying to mindfully eat and doing activities which are good for my mind and body.

Monday, 18 March 2013

The long road.

As you have heard many a person say, you are in recovery from an eating disorder for the rest of your life. Even though I haven't had a full out relapse in a while I know to call myself 'recovered' would be getting ahead of myself. When I get to a place where I am complacent I suddenly find myself getting triggered because I'm not monitoring myself. I end up triggering myself through:

  • magazines: such a trigger for me. Just the pictures and general skinniness.
  • Facebook stalking skinny friends: sad I know.
  • Watching 'trigger' tv: Supersize vs superskinny is a trigger for me, I found myself watching it the other day and I wasn't feeling so great after. 
  • Starting a 'healthy diet': aka starting a new ridiculous diet which I know is unhealthy and I'm just trying to kid myself.
So, now I am so clear on what my triggers are I just have to be careful to avoid them/catch myself when I slip.

Recently I made a friend on my nursing course who is a recovering anorexic. 2 years ago this would have been unhelpful to me as I would have got competitive, but now I find it really helpful, we pick each other up when we are relapsing and are able to keep accountable to one another. 

So my recommendations for facing the long road?
Find out your triggers and AVOID like the plague, and if you feel ready find a buddy to help you recover.