Thursday, 29 April 2010

Th New Goals.

Me and my mentor were talking last week and she thought setting goals for me would be a good idea, as I'm a very goal oriented girl. I've been thinking about them, and I've come up with a few, feel free to add any of your own!
1. Stick to 3 meals a day no matter what, even if the meal is small, always have 3 meals a day.
2. Weigh myself once every 2 days, instead of every day. This one is really hard for me!
3. I am only allowed to go to the gym 3 times a week max, and if my knee starts hurting I MUST stop.

Number 3 is because last night I went to the gym with my knee already a little painful. I did 40 minutes on the cross trainer, got off and thought it would buckle. I tries to walk on the tread mill but the knee went crazy. So I went on the bike for 10 minutes and then did weights. All I could think was keep working through the pain. I left the gym and could barely walk, my knee buckled a couple of times on the way home. My dad (doctor) thinks it's chondramalacia patellae, which is common in teenage girls.

On other news my friends have calmed down a little, they are still mad with each other but they are being civil.

Also I've lost 5lbs in the last 2 and a half weeks, which I'm really happy about, because for me that's taking it slow, and not rushing into weight loss. Here is what I normally eat:
Breakfast: 20g ready brek and water with 20g raisins.
Lunch: Yoghurt, 2 satsuma's.
snack: a cracker.
Dinner: What ever my family are eating.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Silly little teenage arguments.

Ooh my friends are drama queens. I realised I haven't given you a very good insight to who my friends are/what 'cliche' I belong to. Here goes!

Well I belong to a group that's medium to quite popular (that sounds big headed, sorry!) but no way 'top of the food chain'. We stay in an all girl group of about 15. My friends are a little slaggy and very, very loud. We're the girls that get told off for talking. We love to laugh and we love a good gossip. Of course this combination leads to quite a few arguments. It might sound like I'm describing them in a mean way, but I know they would all totally agree!

Anyway back to the point, there is an argument going on at the moment. A girl called Livi lost her virginity to a guy a few months back, they dated for a while. This girl Alex joined our group and immediately mixed things up. She slept with the guy once and Livi forgave her and is seeing him on and off, along with seeing another guy. She told everyone BUT livi and Livi found out in a really horrible way. There is now a group divide- Livi's side and Alex's. Personally I'm on Livi's side because she is one of my closest friends. God I love being a teenager, it's like living in a soap opera!

Today I was talking to Livi about bitching, and I asked her if people had ever said anything about me. She said Alex had told her that she was scared of me! I'm a little confused because I don't think I'm scary! I hope not! She also said I can come across a bit judgemental sometimes (I admit I am a little, but I try so hard not to come across this way as I want to be someone easy to talk to!)

As much as I love my friends, sometimes I feel like I should hang out with more geeky people. When I want to talk about books, politics or things like Dr Who they take the piss and I feel like what we talk about it a bit superficial ( Sometimes I just want to go a bit deeper. I also don't think I fit in with the way they all love to go out. I'm not a huge fan of getting drunk every week, I love the occasional piss up (think once a month) and I think they think I'm a bit strange because I need time to myself.

Sorry for yet another random post. I think I came across badly- Sorry!

Monday, 26 April 2010

I wouldn't call myself eating disordered.

I was thinking recently about what I have. I don't fulfil the criteria for bulimia any more(why does that make me sad?!?!) I purge maybe once or twice a week. I restrict, but not loads. I really don't know what I am. I let my eating disorder define me. Without it I am a blank slate who has to define myself.

Help me followers!!! I have a of my best friends. She is severely depressed and has a history of binge eating. Yesterday she told me that she is going to try and only eat dinner. She also told me she looked up how to purge. She knows my history with eating and saw how incredibly . I told her that it is very easy to get sucked into disordered eating. She texted me 10 mins ago saying "This eating thing is so hard!" I don't really know what to say to her. Any suggestions?

I feel like I'm having a dry blog tim. No inspiration/ nothing to say.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Sometimes all you need is an unproductive weekend.

Quick update.
Good days.
sunny days.Feeling bright. Positive.
Restricting a little. Purged today. BUT not feeling too bad about this because I know I'm just restricting out of habit (I would quite like to loose a bit of weight still, of course.)
I'm film binging, yesterday I watched district 9 (alien Sci-Fi set in the future). Today I am going to watch Coco Avant Chanel. Tomorrow is An Education and Dear John. Tuesday is Julie and Julia. When I have revision to do, I tend to watch a lot of films as you can tell!!

Sorry for the short post, haven't got much to say :) (might be because I'm watching Dr Who and it's bloody brilliant).

Can anyone tell me exercises to do with a bad knee?


Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Well....this is a little challenging.

First off, I'm sorry if the content of this post makes any of you feel awkward...don't read it if you don't want to.

So yesterday I had my every-few-month break down and cry at church session. It started weirdly, we were talking about prophecy which is a subject which I'm a little unsure about...we had to prophesy over other people by writing down what we think God is saying and giving it too them, it's pretty challenging. Well I hate this kind of thing, because it challenges me and I always think God is ignoring me because I don't feel like he talks to me. Anyway this stressed me out so bad I just started crying. My mentor came and talked to me, and I told her everything, about how incredibly rubbish and feeling pretty worthless.

WELL today I got an email from a friend in Canada who I haven't spoken to for a few months. She emailed saying:

Ok so I'm not sure how much you know about prophecy but theres some stuff in 1 Corinthians 12 and 14 if you are interested- I also got an email from Cohesion about a prophecy course so if you went I would love to hear all about it! Well, I was thinking about you the other day and I got some pitures/ words from God for you so I hope it encourages you or speaks to you in some way. The first picture I got was of a salmon and I think ( I haven't checked!) its salmon who swim upstream pretty much their whole life. So I saw this fish splashing about struggling to travel upstream. I felt God really speaking about something maybe you are struggling with- I got the word spiritual dryness and that maybe you aren't recieving much/ as much as you would like from God? But I'm not always spot on with this kind of stuff!- that you will have to trust him in and keep persevering like the salmon even when things get really tough. I also got the word encourager and that its something God will really gift you in and use to build others up around you. Incorporated into that is that God really wants to encourage you and reveal more of his heart for you. Your identity is in Jesus Christ not in the world and he really wants to affirm you with words of knowledge- mainly that you are his daughter and you are so precious to him, that he loves you and is proud of you! You have a strength in yourself you don't always realise you have and I feel God telling me there is going to be a big step up in your faith in the near future. Remember 1 John 4:16-18. God is love and his perfect love drives out any fear. Don't let the enemy get a foothold in your life, whatever you are struggling with, give it to Jesus- he can take it!

I was speechless! It was all so accurate, and those last few parts are the same as some one else's prophesy last night. It was so so reassuring. God is good :) I've felt amazing all day.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Recovery vs relapse. The battle continues.

10 minutes ago I ate about half a bottle of peanut butter. And a banana. 3 buscuits. And a chocolate bar. For breakfast I had a mars bar.
This can't continue.
I'm so angry.
I have NO self control.
Restriction starts.
How have I let myself get so huge?? I'm going on freakin' holiday with all my tiny friends. No way I can survive that without slimming.
So this is it.
I know you'll say it's ED speaking up.
But it's not, it's common sense.
It's my eyes. I can SEE how fat I've gotten.
My mum tells me how big I've gotten.
My friends give me awkward looks when I eat.
I hate this. This tip toeing around me.
I need to get down.
But I don't know if I even can any more.
My self control has GONE.
I just eat.
I don't know how I'm going to restrict.

Friday, 16 April 2010

What if I'm not

What if I'm not going to be a good friend?
What if I'm not going to be a good uni student?
What if I'm not going to be a good nurse?
What if I'm not going to be a good wife?
What if I'm not going to be a good Mother?
What if I'm not going to be a good Christian?
What if I'm not going to be good?

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

The Road.

First off sorry for not being very active on your blogs, I've been super busy. I'm too tired to write a flowing post, so I will just note the good points and the bad points. Here goes.

Good point: I built up some courage and took a salsa class which was so fun! I've been meaning to go for ages and have been too scared about being rubbish.

Good point: I just ate some starburst sweets! Yum :)

Bad point: Back to school, which is stressful at the moment since we only have 7 weeks of school left until study leave then FINAL exams! Argh!!

Bad point: My food intake is going down...I can see it happening in front of me...not having snacks (which is why eating the starbucks is a good point!), weighing myself daily. Unfortunately I am feeling super fat. My Mum pointed out that my stomach is looking quite big recently. She's not being mean, just honest.

Bad(ish) point: You know that guy I had a crush on? The ex? Not crushing on him so much anymore. He slept with my friend. I put bad(ish) because at least it sorts out how I feel about him!

OOHHHH by the way for all you book worms The Road by Cormac Mccarthy is an AMAZING book. So haunting (don't read it at night...I was petrified!) It's very well written, very unusual. But don't read it if you scare easily!!

Love you all, thank you so much for all the support.

Friday, 9 April 2010

Oh why, oh why..

Damn, damn and triple damn. I hate having a crush. On my ex boyfriend. Bad bad times. I broke up with him a few months ago and have been thinking about him quite a lot recently...then 2 days ago we started talking for like 2 hours. And I realised that I have no idea why I dumped him. But I'm pretty sure he isn't interested.Damn.

Good news: My friend gave the money back! I rang her up and explained how much I needed the cash, she drive straight round and gave it back, so feeling much more relaxed about the money situation.

Food news: Yesterday I had less food than the day before, worked my butt off at the gym and still weighed 0.1 lbs more. I know it's not a big gain, but I was hoping for a drop and it's driving me insane. So today's food plan- no breakfast, small or no lunch, normal dinner.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

What A Huge Bum.

Okay. No denying it. I need to loose weight. Badly. Sorry.

Although I've been having a good few days (had a fab dinner party with friends last night)my mind is in a really difficult place (when is it not?!) I need to loose at least 11 pounds. Soon. I'm desperate, it's eating me up inside. I just eat and eat and eat.

Last night I realised that the shape I am right now might be my natural shape, and that scared the crap out of me, surely this flabby bum and huge thighs isn't me? I need to be small, and stop taking up space. I don't deserve to have a healthy body. My plan: take my calorie intake down slowly, start going to the gym more and try not to weigh myself too much.

Since you all give such good advice, I thought I should use my (fabulous) resources and ask some help from you. Here is the story:
My friend Y borrowed £50 from me, and said she had posted it to me first class last week. But it hasn't come. I have rung her, texted her, facebooked her, everything and she hasn't got in contact with me. I don't want to be that girl who gets annoying about getting money back, but it's really stressing me out and I really need the money back. What should I do? I'm ringing her a ton and just don't know what to do!!!

Plan for the next week:

Today: Gym and get school work done.
Thursday: Go to Leeds with Mum, gym in the evening.
Friday: Gym in day time, watch 'Blind Side' at the cinema in the evening.
Saturday: haircut, maybe gym.
Sunday: Finish all school work.

Sorry for the dull post, just wanted to get some thoughts out!

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Damn you Easter eggs.

I literally just sat staring at my Easter eggs for 10 minutes. They are scaring me. This morning I saw a photo of myself and it was such a shock. I knew I'd put on weight but these photos brought to life how much I'd put on. Fuck. I'm still restricting- not extreme restricting just light restricting ie no breakfast/snacks. I can't get away from calorie content.

I just read that paragraph back and realised how much I've lost what Easter is really about. Stupid ED. Stupid me for letting ED talk to me and not ignoring it.

Last night was a bit stressful. I got to sleep at 2, woke up at 4. My mind wouldn't slow down.
I'm getting scary flashbacks at the moment. Of times I had forgotten or blocked out. Going to my friends house. Her brother was there. She went to get us lunch. He came in. Did stuff to me. I was too young to understand. Hands in places I didn't want them. Telling him to stop. Being told to stop being such a baby. Not raped. But not innocent anymore. Only 10. All my fault. Blame, guilt, anger. A secret.

Friday, 2 April 2010

Happy Birthday sister.

My beautiful sister is 14 today, we've had a great day, we went to 'Go Ape' which is a high wire assault course (giant assault course high in the trees). I went about 3 years ago and was quite scared of heights, but today I totally embraced it and had an amazing time! It made me feel like I could do anything if I want to.
These last few days I have been wanting to restrict the whole time. I didn't eat breakfast yesterday went to the gym instead, had a little soup for lunch and a spag bol for dinner, weighed myself this morning, lost 1lb. Today I've been wanting to restrict but haven't been able to since it's J's birthday, so had a croissant for breakfast, a hot dog for lunch and a piece of cake for the sister's birthday. I think this restricting business is to do with seeing all my friends getting thinner while I'm putting on weight, I find it so uncomfortable.
My Grandad's birthday is tomorrow. I don't think he knows, he was in a car accident 5 years ago and doesn't remember much and is confused a lot of the time. I don't know how to reach out to him, he's not had a good life. He used to love to get out of the house and go cycling, walking, jogging, and now he can barely walk. He was in the army and now he can't read. It's not fair.