Sunday, 4 April 2010

Damn you Easter eggs.

I literally just sat staring at my Easter eggs for 10 minutes. They are scaring me. This morning I saw a photo of myself and it was such a shock. I knew I'd put on weight but these photos brought to life how much I'd put on. Fuck. I'm still restricting- not extreme restricting just light restricting ie no breakfast/snacks. I can't get away from calorie content.

I just read that paragraph back and realised how much I've lost what Easter is really about. Stupid ED. Stupid me for letting ED talk to me and not ignoring it.

Last night was a bit stressful. I got to sleep at 2, woke up at 4. My mind wouldn't slow down.
I'm getting scary flashbacks at the moment. Of times I had forgotten or blocked out. Going to my friends house. Her brother was there. She went to get us lunch. He came in. Did stuff to me. I was too young to understand. Hands in places I didn't want them. Telling him to stop. Being told to stop being such a baby. Not raped. But not innocent anymore. Only 10. All my fault. Blame, guilt, anger. A secret.

10 comments:

Sairs said...

hey hun, I understand about the easter eggs too. I was having similiar issues today. There just seemed to be so damn many of them. I just hope my dad doesn't bring more tomorrow. I keep waivering between wanting to restrict and then light restriction as well. I'm sorry too you have such horrible memories from your past. I hope that the flashbacks at least lessen some. I just want you to know I'm listening and I hope you're okay!
*hugs*
Sarah

P.S. Love the new look blog!

Blue Butterfly said...

I'm sorry you had to experience something so horrible. But no, it is NOT your fault. It never was, and it still isn't. I don't know if there's something triggering these flashbacks, but I hope you feel better soon.

*hugs*

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

NOT your fault! not your fault AT ALL. i'm sorry that you felt blame and guilt over a situation you had NO control over. because it's not your fault.

and i'm sorry you're having such a hard time for Easter :( but I love your blog look. the dandelions are darling :)

Alice in Wonderland said...

Don't blame yourself over something that you had no control over. You'll find that it is a waste of time and not worth the effort. Live for now. I know that is hard, but by dissecting things doesn't do any good. Adults are so selfish and unthinking at times.
Yes, I get flashbacks all the time, but I look forward to my dreams and what goes on in my head. That is where we differ.
Put the eggs away, don't look at them.
Big hugs.

tywo said...

I'm sorry. There is seriously more to life than worrying so much about weight. You are beautiful either way!

Happy Easter!

LOVE!

Z. said...

I am so so sorry that happened to you when you were a little girl :( I know its hard and scary but I've been through lots of counseling and I know that if you can find the strength to talk about it to someone, maybe it will set you free just a little.

As for losing the meaning of Easter, I've been doing that a lot lately :( In my heart I really want to focus on what its about, and God has really been trying to capture my heart, but all I can think about is how disgusting and fat I am. I feel you on that.

Anyways, I'm here for you and cheering you on! I hope Easter food is not too hard on you and you can find some time to reflect and have fun with people you care about. You deserve it.

Ever. said...

It's not your fault AT ALL! I've never been in the same situation, so I can't give much intelligent advice, but dear, it's truly not your fault IN THE LEAST <3

I hope Easter goes as well for you as it can, take care,
xoxo

mariposai said...

I'm so sorry to hear such a disturbing event from your past surfacing in your memory. This is not your fault. Do not blame yourself, please.

And it's ok to have breakfast and snacks. You need this nourishment. And it's also ok to have your Easter eggs. ED has no right to take these things from you. ED has no right to deprive you of the food you need to live by telling you horrible lies and making you feel bad about yourself.

You are a good person. You deserve a good Easter. And the ED deserves a kick up the butt to get it out of your life for good :-)

Sarah x

sunshine said...

It is awful what happened to you when you were wee, shocking and terrible that it is surfacing in your memory again. It was not your fault though, absolutely not. You were just a child and someone hurt you. Perhaps talking through things might let the memory lessen it's grip on you...

Happy Easter hun, you are doing so good fighting this ED. Very inspiring :)

*hugs* xx

TheLittleFlower said...

Its not your fault. Flashbacks of the past are unpleasant sometimes,but never let it stop you from doing what you are doing today. You're a great and beautiful person, i hope you'll have a great week ahead!

xxx