Thursday, 30 December 2010

What's happened to childhood?

I stumbled across these awful comments on a website that made me so sad.

"hi i just turned twelve and i really need some help my best friend is having a pool party in two weeks and my body is disgusting i cant even look at my self i weigh about 106 and im about 4’11 id really like some tips on how to become anorexic and fast thank =]"

"i am 5 4 and 110 and trying so hard not to eat, but sometimes i let it get the best of me. how do you only drink orange juice for breakfast and that is it. how do you stay motivated. do you exercise. help me i want to loose 15 lbs and be like nicole richie."

"I'm 11 years old..
i am 5’4 and 148.8 lbs.
i want to become skinny before the summer..
so i can go swimming at the public pool..
& wear my two peice..
and i dont want to feel down or disgusted of the way i look..
I always think of starving myself the next day..
but then i eat.."

There are so many more comments like this, all from such young girls. My heart really goes to them, I remember being 11 and thinking I was so fat. And wanting to not eat. 

This type of thing makes me scared to have kids, especially a girl, I'm scared she'll get an eating disorder and... god forbid have my terrible genes!

How are we meant to stop this 'want to be anorexic' pandemic? 
There are the obvious answers (stop skinny models/get more diversity in the media) but I think it's more deep rooted than this. What are we meant to do??

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Christmas week recap.

What a week it's been! Lots of Christmas activities, but mainly work. I would normally complain but I got paid double today AND tomorrow. I feel very blessed to have this job,even if at times I don't like it.

On Christmas day I was feeling a little down and tired, but soon cheered up when playing family games with our fabulous cousins. I had NO issues with the food, and have been fine today. What a lovely change from last year...when I panicked all day about what I was eating. What a year can do eh? So no new years diet for me. Which funnily enough is how this blog started: with a new year's resolution to record my weight loss.

Great news: I got offered a job at my current temp job. Even though I don't like it all that much, it's improving gradually. I said I only want to work three days a week as I don't want my whole week to revolve around work. Now I just need some ideas of what to do for the other 4 days! Hopefully volunteering one day a week, and that leaves me 3 days of who knows what.

Good luck to you all for this next year.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

2011...looking forward.

So, what do I want from this next year?

  • To continue to grow in my faith, and become more involved in the church. 
  • To continue in recovery, with no major relapses when I start university in September
  • To go to 3 different countries.
  • To make the transition from my home to uni easy and learn to cook so I actually have something to eat while there!
  • To find a job I like for the remains of my gap year.
  • To read LOTS of books. 
  • To continue to blog.
This is a much better list from last year, which was, "Get through the year." 


1.What books should I read in 2011?
2. What films should I try and see in 2011?

Monday, 20 December 2010

Looking backwards...

This is a two part post, in the first I shall look back over the highs and lows of  2010, in part two I shall write about my hopes and worries for 2011. I invite you to do a similar post!

2010: The highs

  • Well, passing my A levels and getting into my first choice university was my biggest highlight of the year.Finishing school forever, that's quite a big deal for me :)
  • Competing  in 2 cheerleading competition, coming first and second. 
  • I have read some AWESOME books : 'The Road' '1984' 'switchblade' 
  • I can safely say, that eating disorder wise this year was better than last. I have tried to recover so many times (I see this as a good thing) and am starting to feel I may be getting somewhere!
  • Best film of the year: no question, Harry Potter.
  • The amazing Majorca holiday was a real highlight, and I discovered a lot about my self. 
  • I continued in some brilliant friendships, notably my mentor R, my best friends C and H.
2010: The Lows
  • This year I have made my way through 3 different jobs, each of which I have hated. Although maybe this should go in the positives because I have learnt a good deal from each job.
  • Although I have felt better with my eating over all, I had some very low patches, some of my lowest yet.
  • I have had some pretty shocking relationships. I have had only one boyfriend this year, and what a loser he was. Good riddance! I have had my taste of one night stands as well, and have decided they are not for me. 
  • I had to quit cheerleading
I think this year has been a funny one. I have learnt a lot, not the easy way, still, learning is good! 

So I invite you to look back over your year, the highs and the lows. 

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Update: I'm back!

My break is over, it lasted a whole week and a half!

Hey, guess what? I'm finally ready to talk about the sexual abuse that happened when I was younger with someone. I haven't had the courage or strength to ever talk about it properly, so I'm meeting up with my mentor and just going to spill out the memory, I see it like a purge of my past, getting the memory out, so hopefully it will have less power over me.

Right listen up: I NEED TO STOP DRINKING. I went out on Monday night, got far to drunk and ended up at some random guys house. Oupps! Luckily nothing major happened with him (I've decided not to have any more one night stands.) The next day I felt awful. I dragged myself to work and did my job very badly. This really isn't good enough, I need to stop this silliness.

Okay, I know this post is very here and there but I wanted to ask for some opinions about what I should do after January when my Christmas temporary job finishes.

Option one: When I finish working I take some time off working until February after a family holiday.
Option two: Start looking for a new job straight after I finish this one.
Possible option three: There is a small possibility that they might offer me a job, in which case I have no idea if I'd even want it, the people there aren't very nice.

If you were me, which would you do?

Monday, 6 December 2010

Taking a break.

I think I want a little space from blogging at the moment. I don't know how long I will be gone, it may be a few days, a week, or months, who knows!

Basically I am trying to get away from the loneliness of sitting on my laptop all day (I still love y'all but I need a life outside of the internet).

Let's see how long this lasts, knowing me, I'll have changed my mind by tonight.

Take care all!

Sunday, 5 December 2010


I want some hope for my life, a positive attitude for the future, I'm so so sick of being little miss depressed. I want to be happy and cheerful! I want a positive outlook on life.

So some background information on why I want hope. I've been panicking about after New year. My job is only for Christmas so after that I have no plans. I'm worried that I will slip back into my depressed state of sleeping, crying and generally doing nothing all day. I'm thinking maybe some volunteer work for a few months. My church run a charity that gives furniture to the poor, they also have a venue for the homeless, just to chat and give them coffee and toast and they do their laundry. So I might volunteer with them. I am also going to join the churches soup run which goes around the street giving the homeless food, drink, blankets and clothes.

Now...last post I asked a question about phobias. Someone wrote about the phobias that come with eating disorders. And it got me thinking about the past. About that moment before getting on the scales, the feeling of FEAR, apprehension and guilt. The moments when I remember with such clarity these times are when I so badly want full recovery. Food intake and ED thoughts have been okay this week, up and down. I looked at some old photos of myself which was quite triggering, and have felt embarrassed of my body, but I have not acted on any eating disordered thoughts. I am slowly learning to trust my body, even when I eat quite a lot for 3 days I don't even put on a pound, but if I did that when in the middle of the eating disorder my body would have clung on to the extra calories and I would have been like 4lbs up.

Oooh I'm so excited for xmas I am getting a camera so I will be able to put pictures with every post.

What a rambling post!

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Everyday and questions.

I write a lot about my feelings on this blog, but not what I do day to day.

I tend to get up at about 9:30 - 10:00 I know, I know, how lucky am I! But I sleep quite badly so I still only get a few hours sleep. I take FAR too long to get ready for work (around 1 1/2 hours) , then eat breakfast (30g ready brek with sultanas, or golden syrup on the weekend). I leave for work at a lingerie shop where I am always put at the front of the shop to greet customers and help anyone out. I now know a lot about people's underwear habits.

At 6:40 I hop on my bus and go home to watch TV, blog or read. If I'm in a social mood I go out for a meal with my friends (sausage and mash every time).

Okay okay I admit that was very dull, if you read it all, well done to you, congratulations, you are very patient!

1. What is one thing you want to do before you die?
2. Do you have any phobias?

Friday, 3 December 2010

Don't say you know me, because I don't know me.

Some snippets of what people have said they know about me:
"You're an introvert."
"You're an extrovert."
"You're a snob."
"You're a slag."
"You're loud."
"You're quiet."
"You're creative."
"You're not very artistic."

I can't put up with other people telling me who I am. I'm confused enough as it is!! I think I'm being friendly and chatty then later the person tells me they thought I was really cold with them. 

Answers anyone? Anyone else fancy telling me who I am? Because I have no. fucking. clue.