Tuesday, 28 June 2011

I passed!

Yesterday I passed my driving test! First time! I still can't believe it, I honestly thought I was going to fail. I'd told my friends "I've got a driving test tomorrow, but don't worry, I know I'm going to fail." But it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I have so much going on right now, the shop I work in has just gone into sale so it's MANIC in there at the moment. I am trying to prepare for China in a week and a half (Eeeeek) and my fabulous cousin is staying with us from Spain this week and next.

I have noticed recently that my intake still has a big influence on the way I see my body. If I eat 'more' than I think is normal then I perceive myself as fat and can only see the bad parts in the mirror.When I've eaten healthily I don't really mind it so much. I've also noticed that if I don't exercise for, say, 5 days I start feeling guilty. These are the remnants of the eating disorder. They stink! 

Running has been going okay. I ran 6 miles last week, and went swimming as well. I just wish I could run further. But hey, 2 months ago I NEVER ran, and could barely run a mile, so that's a great improvement. I also really want to take up badminton again. 

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Upset by an occupational nurse.

Yesterday I had to travel down to the town I am going to for uni to have an occupational health appointment with a nurse. So that's 3 hours travel for a 20 MINUTE meeting that could of been done over the phone. 
The only thing she needed to ask about was my eating disorder. She started with some basic questions (when) and then moved on to some slightly more personal questions (why did you get an eating disorder?) Hmmm...I said a build up of low self esteem (left out all the childhood crap as I didn't particularly want to tell all this to a total stranger) She then asked if I ever lost a lot of weight. I got to an 'unhealthy' weight. But I just said a bit. She asked if my parents had noticed the weight loss. No they hadn't. I was so embarrassed by these questions. 
She then gave me her 'professional' verdict. "I'm going to contact the university and say you have had emotional problems but not mental as from what you've told me they don't sound like mental problems. I'm no expert though." F*ck you. How DARE you tell me my problems were 'emotional' not 'mental'. You have NO IDEA the shit I've been through the last 3 years. But THANK GOD I didn't tell her any more about the disorder or she would have told them I had mental problems and although I know this is true I don't like the idea of people at uni knowing this. 

THEN she thought she would REALLY stick her foot in it. "What about now? What is your BMI?" 20 I say. She looks me up and down, "You don't look anorexic. You look slim but not anorexic." By this point I thought I might murder her. I was thinking of very gory situations that could happen to her. Do you know NOTHING about eating disorders? You do not tell a recovering person  this. Jeez. 

Thank God I'm in a place where this doesn't trigger me. 6 months a go I would have been so badly triggered by this.

On good news I watched 'Bridesmaids' yesterday and was in hysterics the whole way through. It is HILARIOUS! The funniest film I have ever seen. Massively laugh out loud.  

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Sometimes talking solves the problem.

There have been so many times where I was going through a rough patch, to do with the bulimia, sexual abuse or depression and I would lock up my feelings and not tell anyone. I kept the sexual abuse a secret for 9 years and it did some serious damage. I kept the bulimia a secret for too long. I hid my depression behind a fake smile. 

Opening up wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears each time. It took a lot of time for me to trust my mentor and church group leader enough to open up. I learnt I could trust her with the small stuff and eventually opened up with the big stuff. 

The first time I told anyone about my eating problems was with my mentor. I was at church and we were doing an alternative worship group. I was in a room that was a quiet room, for meditation. I got more and more emotional, thinking about what a mess I was in. She came over and I blurted out what was going on. It was the first time anyone had suggested bulimia. She said, "I think it's very possible you're bulimic." I nearly had a panic attack. I couldn't believe this had happened. But since that moment of opening up, although I have relapsed lots I have never got WORSE than that time when no one knew. Each time I relapse, I notice the relapse is A LOT shorter the sooner I tell someone. 
The hardest time I've ever opened up was talking about the sexual abuse I went through when I was younger. That was really hard, and I still haven't told her, or anyone the full story. It still hurts too bad. I might challenge myself and tell her soon. Letting out that secret left me feeling very vulnerable and very manic. But in the long term it was worth it.

I know talking doesn't heal, but it's a damn good start. If you have secrets, I urge you to find someone you can talk and open up. 

Monday, 20 June 2011

Telling parents about eating disorders.

I thought I would share the story of how I told my parents about my bulimia.

Although looking back at photos my parents say it's obvious I look ill at the time they didn't notice my deathly pale hue, up and down weight etc. I was VERY secretive when it came to my parents and had the idea that if I told my parents about my bulimia they would be really angry and disappointed in me. As my eating disorder got worse, my mood turned black. I remember the Worst Week. I had a 3 day fast, followed by extreme binge/purge sessions on and off for the rest of the week. I was barely sleeping as it was, and by this time I was secretly taking diazepam to get to sleep. I had run out and got roughly 9 hours sleep over the entire week. I cried hysterically every night, muffling the noise with my pillow so no one would hear. Every time I crossed a road I felt tempted to just close my eyes and step out, hoping to end the pain. 
This was the week I told my parents.
It was a Sunday, the last day of that horrid week. I had been to church and cried out to God. When I got home utterly exhausted I went straight to my room. My mind was in a dark place. I sat and cried. I know I'd never hit a low like this and decided I just couldn't continue the secret any more. I prayed for God to give me the strength to tell.
 I went to their room and my mum was in bed, reading. I was already crying. "Mum, I've got to tell you something, I have booked an appointment with the doctor. I think I might be bulimic. Please don't be angry." My mum was amazing. So supportive. She asked lots of questions and got my dad, who she told. They were both gentle, kind and understanding. They offered to come to the doctor with me, but I decided to go it alone. They couldn't understand why I thought they would be angry or disappointed in me. 
Looking back I don't know why I thought this. The eating disorder had been lying to me. Feeding me those lies. You have failed them. You have disappointed them. These things, they are not true. 100% lies. 

Don't let an eating disorder fool you. They are purely evil. 

Friday, 17 June 2011

Giving up refined sugar.

Yesterday I started doing research into refined sugar, and I got a little freaked! I couldn't believe how many regular, every day foods that have added sugar. It scared me. So today I tried to cut down on my refined sugar.
So here is how the day went

So breakfast, I thought this would be an easy meal to avoid refined sugar. Then I looked at my cereal boxes. The majority have sugar listed in there top 3 ingredients. I ended up having Wheetabix with strawberries.
Later I snacked on a banana.
Lunch came, and I tend to have a bread based lunch. I settled on a bagel, but still wasn't sure if it was okay! A bagel with tuna, tomato and rocket. I was really craving something sweet after this so had dried apricots and a couple of  prunes.
Throughout the afternoon I had more apricots, a pair and some more strawberries.

For dinner I had chicken wraps. MORE strawberries for dessert.

When I inputted this into a health website it said I'd gone quite a bit over the sugar allowance....WHAT?!?!?!  Seriously?? How? Gah this got me annoyed.
Anyway tomorrow I am working 6 hours, which is not too shabby, then having a nice walk or run home as I haven't exercised today cause I've felt under le weather.
In regards to the post that I wrote about last post I have changed the title and got rid of the link, this has really eased my conscience on the matter, cheers for the advice duckies!

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Should I delete my most popular post?

I did a post in December called "How to become anorexic fast, scary scary website." and let me tell you, it's had quite a few views. I just checked my stats and apparently it's had 1,513 views. I really don't know how I feel about this. I think it's doing the opposite of what I meant it to do. I wanted to bring awareness to the horrid ways people exploit this illness, but I think it's just directing people who want to get ill to the horrid money making website. I think I might delete it. Thoughts?

Today has been a rather insignificant day, but pleasant none the less! I brought a pair of TOM's for my trip to China (an awesome company...you buy one pair of TOMS and they give one to a child in need of shoes!) Now THAT'S feel good shopping. After the internet shop I went for my run. It was...a bit of a fail. I managed 1.7 miles but I just couldn't get in the mood and my legs were stiff and yucky. (plus I needed to pee...piece of advice my dears, never run on a full bladder.)
I got them in navy blue.

After watching the hard hitting "Sri Lanka's killing fields" yesterday today I was in a documentary mood, so watched the controversial "Terry Pratchett: choosing to die." I think it was pro euthanasia programme but it kind of put me off. I was pretty pro choice, but it all seems so cold and...I may be stating the obvious but unnatural. Definitely left me thinking on the subject. 

Anyway, next post I want to bring up the idea of cutting out refined sugar. 

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Bulimia is not a diet.

BULIMIA WILL NOT HELP YOU LOOSE WEIGHT. It might help you loose a few pounds at first. Before the binges start. Before you find yourself eating. and eating. and eating. Until you feel so awful. So terrible. So utterly ashamed. You make yourself sick. And feel a little better. For 10 minutes. Then the guilt. For days. 

A few months in... only a few pounds down. Yet you're loosing your hair. Your teeth are sensitive. You bloat REALLY easily. Your skin is spotty and pale. 

A few more months... handfuls of hair out in the shower. When you walk it feels like you're floating. But not in a nice way. In a horrible disconnected way. You can't concentrate and you constantly feel grumpy and irritated. You consider closing your eyes and walking into the road. The idea seems better and better. All because you binged that morning. Because you can't loose enough weight.    

Bulimia is a cruel circle. Break free.

This year is moving  so fast. Yet so much has been achieved in one short year. Since my last relapse I feel even stronger in recovery if that's possible.
 I have gotten to a relationship with food which I have never had, and never thought I would have. I enjoy food, but know that I don't enjoy it if I overindulge. I know that if I eat too little I WILL end up eating too much eventually. I know my eating disorder is not a good, long term way to loose weight. I know I don't need to loose weight.

So how have I learnt this? Well first off, I started to listen to what people tell me. At work in the clothes shop customers often compliment my figure, and my work colleagues often say I am thin etc. etc. I think my Mum who often makes comments that make me feel like a podge is the exception. She thinks I'm chunky but the majority of the world doesn't! Wahooo!!!

These last few weeks have been awesome... I've been preparing for my holiday to China, I've been to Alton Towers (a theme park) and just generally enjoying life. My jogging has been coming along, and I'm enjoying it more and more. 

I feel like my life is starting to come together in a wonderful way.

But I'm still nervous that I'm 'growing up' because I still feel 12!

Okay, okay random post, I want to start blogging more and with more direction.

Looking at the brighter side of life (this is my favourite place in the world. A beautiful area  someone in my family have been going to for 80 years.

Sri Lanka documentary.

I have just watched channel 4's documentary on Sri Lanka's war. Please take one hour to watch it.


Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Living life day to day.

Yesterday I did something super awesome....I resigned from my job! I gave in my months notice because I'm travelling in 5 weeks time. I wrote a letter thanking them etc. and they said that if I wanted to come back over summer just call them up and they'll give me any spare hours. I am SO grateful for this as I was worried I was going to be broke over summer. Such a relief.

After resigned I had arranged to meet up with a guy friend I've written about before write at the start of this blog. We've known each other for a few years, and a while back he told me he had feelings for me (I kinda knew, he wasn't so subtle) and I had to be really straight and say that nothing would ever happen. I'm really struggling to keep him as a friend because he's so over the top flirty and I don't like it. I've tried talking to him about it but I'm worried I'll have to cut him out.

I wrote a while about on my crack down on alcohol. I still haven't drunk for quite a long time but I'm scared that the next time I go out with my friends I will go wild.  Once I have one drink I struggle to stop. I'm just praying God will help me overcome the temptation. Especially as I go to university in a few months, and drinking lots and lots is the norm but I really don't want to get drunk any more because I act so badly.

My food intake is going okay, I'm taking it one day at a time. I try not to think about the next days intake. And I limit myself to weighing myself twice a week. I've even FORGOT to weigh myself a few time! Yay!

Been quite distant from this blog, don't really have much to say at the moment. Hope you're all well.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

What's your spark?

Everyone has a spark: something that makes you, YOU. They are the hidden flames that excite you and tap into your true passions. They could be musical, athletic, intellectual, academic or relational. Anything that get's your worked up and excited.
So what is my spark? I would say empathy and working with children. These two 'sparks' are traits that have moulded my decision to go into paediatric nursing. I used to think that my gifts weren't 'real' gifts, and the best gifts were the ones you could show (sports, music art etc.) but I've realised my spark is JUST as important and I'm learning to embrace my gifts not resent them.
I would say everyone has many sparks, not only one. Here is a list of some sparks.

Athletics (football, running, gymnastics, cheerleading, rugby etc.)
Musical (composition, playing an instrument, singing)
Intellectual (ability in maths, science, history, english, languages etc.)
Relational (empathy, social, easily makes friends, good listener, welcoming, leadership etc.)
Others I can't think of a category for: writing, appreciation of movies, books, looking after the elderly, DIY, performance.)
The list could go on!

I think in school every pupil should be supported in finding there spark and encouraging them in it.

SO what's your spark?