Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Sometimes talking solves the problem.

There have been so many times where I was going through a rough patch, to do with the bulimia, sexual abuse or depression and I would lock up my feelings and not tell anyone. I kept the sexual abuse a secret for 9 years and it did some serious damage. I kept the bulimia a secret for too long. I hid my depression behind a fake smile. 

Opening up wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears each time. It took a lot of time for me to trust my mentor and church group leader enough to open up. I learnt I could trust her with the small stuff and eventually opened up with the big stuff. 

The first time I told anyone about my eating problems was with my mentor. I was at church and we were doing an alternative worship group. I was in a room that was a quiet room, for meditation. I got more and more emotional, thinking about what a mess I was in. She came over and I blurted out what was going on. It was the first time anyone had suggested bulimia. She said, "I think it's very possible you're bulimic." I nearly had a panic attack. I couldn't believe this had happened. But since that moment of opening up, although I have relapsed lots I have never got WORSE than that time when no one knew. Each time I relapse, I notice the relapse is A LOT shorter the sooner I tell someone. 
The hardest time I've ever opened up was talking about the sexual abuse I went through when I was younger. That was really hard, and I still haven't told her, or anyone the full story. It still hurts too bad. I might challenge myself and tell her soon. Letting out that secret left me feeling very vulnerable and very manic. But in the long term it was worth it.

I know talking doesn't heal, but it's a damn good start. If you have secrets, I urge you to find someone you can talk and open up. 


Lisa said...

sometimes I wish I could live in a world of therapy...where I can just talk out all of my issues...



Sairs said...

I'm so glad you have people in your life you can open up to, as that can be so so hard. I found the same with my ED that my relapses grew less and they weren't as bad and I'm pretty much over it, just have a bit that is hanging on. I have never been sexually abused but I was emotionally and physically abused by my mum and that was bad enough because no one would believe me bacause she was "so nice" and I was just the "naughty child". That really really sucked. I hope you can one day open up completely because, even though it will be really hard and really hurt, I think it's better out than in where you can start to deal with it.

PerfectingMyEmptiness said...

strength can be felt with every single one of your words. You are one of the warriors, just like the majority of the bloggerville people. Keep holding on, you are not alone