Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Major life update.

Well. The day came. The day I have dreaded for a VERY long time. Let me explain: My parents are strict Christians and are totally against me having sex before marriage/underage drinking/drinking at all.To my knowledge they did not know I had done all of the above in the past year. On Sunday night my Mum said something along the line of "I don't always think you're telling the truth," I got really annoyed and went to my room. My Mum followed me, sat on my bed, looking totally defeated and like she was about to cry. She said "I know you've had sex with your boyfriend, I knew two after it happened at Christmas. I know you went drinking under age and got paraletic. And you know what hurt the most, that you didn't tell me."My best friend (who I tell everything to) had been telling everything about me to her Mum, who had then gone to my Mum. I feel like my privacy has been invaded. My Mum's been acting okay since Sunday, but my far he's thrown in conversation "God doesn't want you to have sex yet" "God knows best" "So? Do you think God wants you to do this?" My answer to this was "I'm 18 and no longer have to answer your questions, you aren't responsible for me." If he doesn't let up soon, I will explode.
Second life update: I GOT A JOB!! A company rang me up and asked me to go for an interview the next day, then offered me a job the next day, and I started today! I LOVE it. It's as a FULL TIME sales- assistant . I'm so happy to be out of the house, doing something.

My body seems to have expanded of it's own accord. I have no idea. I've lessened my portions and am eating healthily. But somehow my body is HHUUUGGEEE. I took a pregnancy test just to check and it's all good, going to take another in 3 weeks  as well.

1. How do you think I should deal with the parental situation?

Friday, 24 September 2010

What happens when it breaks down?

Boys (I'm in an organised mood - hence the subtitles)
Now, if you know me you'll know that my back catalogue with guys is....crap. I have never been in a relationship more than a month. If I like a guy, he breaks up with me, the ones that like me, I don't like (it's always the way eh?) I've been going out with boyfriend for a couple of months and I am falling for him Big Style. Like I've never liked (maybe even loved?) a guy this much. So what happens when he gets sick of me and I get the boot?
Because I don't think I'll be able to cope (yes, I do know I'm being dramatic and negative but that's the mood I'm in). I'm soo scared of falling for him, because then I'm vulnerable. Letting your walls down is HARD.

Fuck, fuckity fuck. I hate food. I hate that I like food. I hate that I rely on food when I feel like crap. My thighs are. Urgh. Major Urgh. I can't deal with it.Yuck. But if I try and restrict I'm screwed - I binge. Gah. (Notice that when I write about food, all real language goes out the window 'yuck' 'urgh' 'fuckity')

I should not be allowed to drink. I should have a personal law set against me. Last night I went out for a night out, annnddd spent £40 on alcohol. How?! I have no idea. I was so very wasted. SO . new experiment, I am going to try and not drink (GASP) for two months. Let's see how this goes...

1. Any recommendations on where should I go on holiday?
2. Do you resemble a rat or a pig? (Everyone either looks slightly more like a rat or pig. I am a rat.)

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Triggered by...a dream?!

In my time I have been triggered by many things: a super skinny model, an article about weight loss, a comment from my friend, a friend loosing weight. But never have I been triggered by a dream. I dreamt that I was talking to my friend who has recently lost a lot of weight, and she was telling me about how she did it and how much happier she was and how much she weighs. I woke up feeling super panicky and instantly planned my food intake for the day:  30g ready brek (unfortunately my dog ate most of it, so I reckon I had half of that), I'm going to have a small can of tuna for lunch (I know that sounds gross but I LOVE TUNA) and what ever my family has for dinner, gym in the evening.
Another recent trigger was my mum saying "Are you okay? You seem to be eating a lot at the moment?" Mum, I am trying to recover from an eating disorder, please DO NOT ever say things like this. I didn't think I was over eating, but after this comment I am wanting to seriously cut down.
Today I booked my first counselling session with a new service, my first appointment is Tuesday 5th of October. I'm freaking out about it, but I think it will be good. To be honest my opinion of counselling went down because of my last pathetic counsellor, who was basically shit haha.

1. Have you ever been triggered by a dream?

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Not the happiest of bunnies...

Well food intake has been bad. I've been eating too much, but luckily my weight has stayed the same. I need to stabilise what I eat then cut down. Fun times.

Today should be quite enjoyable - I am meeting up with my mentor in half an hour, then am handing out CV's, then meeting up with one of my close friends then staying at my boyfriends house (but shush don't tell the parents about that last bit!)

Do you know what is really getting me down at the moment? Everyone leaving. All my close friends are going to uni this week or next week and I feel so left behind. I know it was my choice to do a gap year...but I feel like I'm one step behind everyone else. They are all packing, and telling me about the amazing parties they have planned. And what am I doing? Looking (unsuccessfully) for a job, whilst supporting myself by going on the dole. I feel so stuck at home I've started searching for a room to rent somewhere else in my city.

So I wanted your opinion on something. Is it okay to put photos of me and my friends on this blog? I know my friends won't find this blog, but do you think it's an invasion of my friends privacy?

1. How did you come up with the name of your blog?
2. Do you think the design of my blog should be altered in any way?

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Waking up with perspective.

After a yucky day yesterday, I was AMAZED to wake up refreshed after having a good nights sleep. YAY. I'm not restricting today, I've decided to keep my food intake stable, then lower it very gradually (I know, I know...not in to ED...but to be honest I really need it at the moment to get me through).
Today's food:
Breakfast: 30g ready brek with sultanas - 120 c (I round up because I'm paranoid about under estimating).
Lunch: 1 ryvita, 1 plain piece of bread, a corner yogurt, an Options hot chocolate. So that's... 42+96+200+40. (I hate that I know these calories off by heart) 378. That's WAY too many cals. I shouldn't of had the yoghurt.
Dinner:Pasta with tomato sauce - 400.
So the average total is 898, I'll round up to 1000 just to be safe. That's a very big number for me.

My boyfriend is trying to get me to go to counselling, for my flashbacks to sexual abuse, my seriously awful nightmares and awakening in fear every night, for my continuing struggling with the ED. But I'm too scared to tell my parents that I want to go to counselling because they will pry into what's wrong...and I don't really want to tell them. My boyfriend goes to university next Monday. Crap. Luckily he's staying in my city. I'm still really worried that he's not going to have any time for me, I know that I'll need to adapt to seeing him less.

1. Is there any specific kind of counselling you would recommend?

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

When everything feels wrong.

Yesterday and today I have felt awful. Yesterday I did something I barely do, I got a pair of blunt scissors and cut a nice gash into my wrist and put a rubber band over the top so it really hurt. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to feel that pain, because I feel like I deserve it. I'm so immensely unhappy recently. Today has been uneventful (ish). My parents were out all day so I have sat on the sofa and done....nothing. Literally. Nothing. This is partly because I'm exhausted (my sleep pattern has gone and I was haunted with nightmares for the few hours I slept last night.) Apart from sitting in front of the TV I was too exhausted to watch, I had not one, no no, but two binges. And two purges. Not fun considering I haven't purged in so long. My mum also found the scar on my arm, I said it was from the oven. I think she brought it. 

So as I talked about in my last post - I'm really struggling with my eating disorder. But I CAN'T just go straight into restriction mode because then I binge/ purge (today is a case point of that) so I am going to gradually lower my intake. Because, really? why not. 
I just don't care any more. There isn't really much point - we live, we die, we get forgotten. 

Monday, 13 September 2010

New beginning.

On Saturday morning I weighed myself (a normal occurrence). And I read THAT weight. You know the one - the weight that you always said you would never get to. Well I got there. SO. Out came the calorie counters, the diet coke, the sugar free gum, the food diary, the herbal tea. I am purely disgusted that I let myself get to THAT weight.

Luckily this weekend I managed to drop 4lbs. I'm still really unhappy with the weight I am right now. I'm going to do something I haven't done for a long time on this blog and write down my food plan for the day:

Breakfast (already eaten): 1 satsuma.
Lunch: 2 ryvita's with chopped tomatoes.
Snack: 1 ryvita and a coffee.
Dinner: Whatever my family are having.
Then gym in the evening.


Saturday, 11 September 2010

Just plain ANGRY.

Searching for a job is so bloody tiring. Today I have out roughly one million CV'S. And I got offered a job! At Ann Summers, as a party organiser. (For those of you who don't know, Ann Summers is a shop that sells lingerie and sex toys, but not like a cheap gross shop - it's actually really nice). I got home, told my parents and they went MAD. My mum was angry I had even been in there. She did the whole "I'm so disappointed in you" speech. They aren't letting me take the job. I'm 18 for God's sake. I need freedom. They are trapping me. I can't breath. And you know what I do when I feel trapped? I restrict. I find my freedom through controlling my food. Fuck this. I give up.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Losing Style.

I appear to have lost my Writing Style (if I ever had any.) My writing is too here and there, it changes it's mind every few seconds. What to do? What to do? Well write another post of course!

I am not sure if this blog is an 'eating disorder blog' any more. I am very happy to say that my eating schedule is positively normal! I eat all three meals, and although my bum and thighs wobble far too much, and although sometimes I do say to myself "Screw it, today I'm not eating," I recognise that this is silly and unhelpful and go and eat a chocolate bar!

Now, something interesting happened yesterday, pay attention all (well, you don't really need to, it's not that interesting!) I have been very irritable in the last month, my sleeping pattern has messed itself up, I feel angry and upset a lot. Yesterday my parents called me on it. Mum sat me down, and asked me what is wrong. Me being the angsty teenager I am, got very annoyed and just told her "I'm TIRED Mum, that's ALL, leave me ALONE." She persisted. And I broke. Told her how down I've been feeling. How I don't know why I'm irritable. How I'm scared about my gap year and all my friends leaving. Just talking (and crying) helped. She says that I need to get off my lazy bum, because watching TV all day will not help (of course she said it nicer than this.)

I also told the Boyfriend about how I was feeling low, he sent me a text saying "Come outside". He was outside. With 12 red roses. My day improved remarkably. *sigh*

1. Has anyone read "The Edible Woman"? Is it any good?
2. How do you get out of a low period?

Monday, 6 September 2010

Letting go of the secret.

Sometimes letting go of a secret can be so freeing. Yesterday I went round to my boyfriends and we had SUCH a good time. I told him about my haunting memory (previous post) and how it was affecting me. I told him that I need to take things slow so I can relax. He was brilliant. Really understanding, he said I should go to counselling, he even offered to take me. I am completely falling for him. I think I love him. (I've never loved a guy, so it's quite a big deal for me to say this).

My food intake this last week has been good! I'm eating three healthy meals a day, and a snack. I'm going to the gym three times a week. I'm gunna get FIT!

Today is the first day of the gap year! Today I'm just relaxing, easing myself in hehe. Tomorrow I'm handing out more CV'S and this week I hear from my first possible job lead.

1. What would you do with a gap year?

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Haunting memories?

I have a memory that is haunting me. It won't go away. And now I'm getting side affects to this memory.

Let me expand. When I was younger, about 11 my brother's friend did stuff to me when I didn't want him to. It wasn't rape, but it was close. I still feel like this was my fault.

Well here is the problem. Whenever me and my boyfriend start stuff, this memory comes back and it's all I can think about. It makes any intimacy difficult.

So how do I get rid of this problem? Burn the memory? How can I block it out?

1. What are your best interview tips?