Tuesday, 14 September 2010

When everything feels wrong.

Yesterday and today I have felt awful. Yesterday I did something I barely do, I got a pair of blunt scissors and cut a nice gash into my wrist and put a rubber band over the top so it really hurt. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to feel that pain, because I feel like I deserve it. I'm so immensely unhappy recently. Today has been uneventful (ish). My parents were out all day so I have sat on the sofa and done....nothing. Literally. Nothing. This is partly because I'm exhausted (my sleep pattern has gone and I was haunted with nightmares for the few hours I slept last night.) Apart from sitting in front of the TV I was too exhausted to watch, I had not one, no no, but two binges. And two purges. Not fun considering I haven't purged in so long. My mum also found the scar on my arm, I said it was from the oven. I think she brought it. 

So as I talked about in my last post - I'm really struggling with my eating disorder. But I CAN'T just go straight into restriction mode because then I binge/ purge (today is a case point of that) so I am going to gradually lower my intake. Because, really? why not. 
I just don't care any more. There isn't really much point - we live, we die, we get forgotten. 


6 comments:

Goal_Thin said...

You and your boyfriend look so cute together :-) I also have days where I just want to feel something, anything. Tomorrow is a new day, and you definitely have the strength to carry on!
In reply to a comment on mine: What happened when you went to the Dr? just so I can be mentally prepared! If i can't control going, i want ot be able to control what happens there!... Love H x

Sairs said...

I like the pic too and I am sorry you are feeling so awful. I do too at the moment and I hate feeling this way. Wish I could stop it. I'm here to listen when you need it.
*hugs*
Sarah

NOS said...

Oh, Battleinmind, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low right now. I want to say something to make things better for you, and all I can come up with is that I care and want to see you happy, healthy, and safe.

And it's true-- we do live and we do die. But the point of not reverting back to your eating disorder is quality of life. The ED offers no quality, and you deserve to have a chance at the above-mentioned things: happiness, healthiness, and safety. The thing is that the ED tries to trick us into thinking that it will solve our problems or that it won't be that bad, but these are just lies.

Wishing you well,
NOS

PS- You and your boyfriend are adorable.

i love bows:) said...

YOUR SUCH A CUTIE ELS, AND YOUR BF IS A FITTIE HAHAHA

babes, you know as well as i do that restriction, and lessoning intake will make evrything so much worse. and im not preaching-promise-i mean look at the state of me-but it will lower your mood even more.

maybe look at the feelings around why you wanted to hurt yourself?did you get anything from it, or was it a self hatred thing?

i miss you girlie

i love you loads

i think your fantastic

and i know yo can do this

love vics

-and hey babes-people dont just forget when you die.that just doesnt happen.so dont be thinking of yourself that way.

xxxxxxxxx

Goal_Thin said...

Thanks for the advice on my post :-) I don't think i'll ever be fully prepared, but I have the appointment for monday, so i'll let you know!! H x

tracy said...

i am so very sorry you are hurting yourself...this comes from someone who had been down that looooong road of stiches and staples, etc...please try to be kind to yourself...and not end up like me.

i love the picture...you are so beautiful!! :)