Sometimes talking solves the problem.

There have been so many times where I was going through a rough patch, to do with the bulimia, sexual abuse or depression and I would lock up my feelings and not tell anyone. I kept the sexual abuse a secret for 9 years and it did some serious damage. I kept the bulimia a secret for too long. I hid my depression behind a fake smile. 

Opening up wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears each time. It took a lot of time for me to trust my mentor and church group leader enough to open up. I learnt I could trust her with the small stuff and eventually opened up with the big stuff. 

The first time I told anyone about my eating problems was with my mentor. I was at church and we were doing an alternative worship group. I was in a room that was a quiet room, for meditation. I got more and more emotional, thinking about what a mess I was in. She came over and I blurted out what was going on. It was the first time anyone had suggested bulimia. She said, "I think it's very possible you're bulimic." I nearly had a panic attack. I couldn't believe this had happened. But since that moment of opening up, although I have relapsed lots I have never got WORSE than that time when no one knew. Each time I relapse, I notice the relapse is A LOT shorter the sooner I tell someone. 

The hardest time I've ever opened up was talking about the sexual abuse I went through when I was younger. That was really hard, and I still haven't told her, or anyone the full story. It still hurts too bad. I might challenge myself and tell her soon. Letting out that secret left me feeling very vulnerable and very manic. But in the long term it was worth it.

I know talking doesn't heal, but it's a damn good start. If you have secrets, I urge you to find someone you can talk and open up.