Sunday, 5 December 2010

Hope.

I want some hope for my life, a positive attitude for the future, I'm so so sick of being little miss depressed. I want to be happy and cheerful! I want a positive outlook on life.

So some background information on why I want hope. I've been panicking about after New year. My job is only for Christmas so after that I have no plans. I'm worried that I will slip back into my depressed state of sleeping, crying and generally doing nothing all day. I'm thinking maybe some volunteer work for a few months. My church run a charity that gives furniture to the poor, they also have a venue for the homeless, just to chat and give them coffee and toast and they do their laundry. So I might volunteer with them. I am also going to join the churches soup run which goes around the street giving the homeless food, drink, blankets and clothes.

Now...last post I asked a question about phobias. Someone wrote about the phobias that come with eating disorders. And it got me thinking about the past. About that moment before getting on the scales, the feeling of FEAR, apprehension and guilt. The moments when I remember with such clarity these times are when I so badly want full recovery. Food intake and ED thoughts have been okay this week, up and down. I looked at some old photos of myself which was quite triggering, and have felt embarrassed of my body, but I have not acted on any eating disordered thoughts. I am slowly learning to trust my body, even when I eat quite a lot for 3 days I don't even put on a pound, but if I did that when in the middle of the eating disorder my body would have clung on to the extra calories and I would have been like 4lbs up.

Oooh I'm so excited for xmas I am getting a camera so I will be able to put pictures with every post.

What a rambling post!

5 comments:

Athena. said...

Dearest. You are beautiful. You are so, so goddamn beautiful, I cannot articulate it enough. Please don't forget that. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. I still struggle with food, every day; and my fear is falling back into not eating. My fear is losing so much, that essentially I lose myself. I just, I can't. I was never strong enough.
I think you are so Brave, and I believe in you, okay?
I believe in you.
So much love, xxxxxxxx

NOS said...

Your church sounds like a really community-oriented organization. I really admire that. It would be great if you could volunteer with them! I'm sure it would make you feel good about yourself.

I'm glad you're able to turn your memories into motivation for the future. I'm really happy to hear that you want recovery.

Wishing you well,
NOS

PerfectingmyEmptiness said...

i love you, and your sometimes bubbly, sometimes depressed attitude.
I just love you
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

Jen Daisybee said...

I hope you can get past the ED thoughts and feel better. It really does get better, after a while. I have been there, and I got better (from the ED, that is - not from everything!) and have seen other people get better too. Just take it one step at a time. You will get there!

happinessiswithinblog.com said...

deff get into volunteer work!!

Dana xo