I have had a VERY strange day at work. A few things sparked my eating disorderd mind.
1. New Girl at work. I am used to being the thinner one at work . Today my 'title' was taken. New girl enters. My heart stops. She is tiny. Same height as me. Exact same coloured hair. Hell....her name is even similar to mine (Ellie and Ellen.) She is a prettier, thinner version of me. Her collar bones stuck out more. Her hip bones were more visible through the work dress (funnily enough we had brought the same one) She had WAY thinner legs. The competitive/jelous side arose. You're fatter than her. She's way prettier. You are FAT. Get like her. UGLY FAT SLUGGISH. You couldn't even be bothered to walk to work. Took the bus. You have to walk back from work. I bet you binge tonight. You are a FAILURE. You will NEVER be thin enough. You always BACK OUT. YOU ALWAYS BINGE YOU ALWAYS BINGE AND GIVE UP AND THIS SHOWS YOU WILL NEVER BE A SUCCESS.
All this brought about by the new girl.
2. An old friend popped into the shop. "Ellie you've lost weight". You've.Lost.Weight. Those three little words that spark something deep inside me. She thinks you were fat before. Got to keep loosing. Can't let people down. YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED. YOU WILL NEVER LOOSE ENOUGH WEIGHT. WHERE IS YOUR SELF CONTROL?
3. My supervisor asked me straight out today, "Do you have an eating disorder?" In front of everyone. Of course I denied it and laughed. "Well you have some weird eating habits (to the other girls) once for lunch she had olives and a carton of blueberries." ps. This is the kind of food I like. That was a normalish lunch for that time and I still think of it as pretty normal. One part of me was proud someone thought I had an ED. The other made me feel terrible. HIDE IT BETTER YOU ARE LOOSING THE GAME. HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS. HIDE HOW YOU FEEL. DON'T BREAK. DON'T CRACK. SMILE FOR GOD'S SAKE.
That was my day.