Thursday, 5 May 2011


I have had a VERY strange day at work. A few things sparked my eating disorderd mind.

1. New Girl at work. I am used to being the thinner one at work . Today my 'title' was taken. New girl enters. My heart stops. She is tiny. Same height as me. Exact same coloured hair. Hell....her name is even similar to mine (Ellie and Ellen.) She is a prettier, thinner version of me. Her collar bones stuck out more. Her hip bones were more visible through the work dress (funnily enough we had brought the same one) She had WAY thinner legs. The competitive/jelous side arose. You're fatter than her. She's way prettier. You are FAT. Get like her. UGLY FAT SLUGGISH. You couldn't even be bothered to walk to work. Took the bus. You have to walk back from work. I bet you binge tonight. You are a FAILURE. You will NEVER be thin enough. You always BACK OUT. YOU ALWAYS BINGE YOU ALWAYS BINGE AND GIVE UP AND THIS SHOWS YOU WILL NEVER BE A SUCCESS. 
All this brought about by the new girl.

2. An old friend popped into the shop. "Ellie you've lost weight". You've.Lost.Weight. Those three little words that spark something deep inside me. She thinks you were fat before. Got to keep loosing. Can't let people down. YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED. YOU WILL NEVER LOOSE ENOUGH WEIGHT. WHERE IS YOUR SELF CONTROL? 

3. My supervisor asked me straight out today, "Do you have an eating disorder?" In front of everyone. Of course I denied it and laughed. "Well you have some weird eating habits (to the other girls) once for lunch she had olives and a carton of blueberries."   ps. This is the kind of food I like. That was a normalish lunch for that time and I still think of it as pretty normal. One part of me was proud someone thought I had an ED. The other made me feel terrible. HIDE IT BETTER YOU ARE LOOSING THE GAME. HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS. HIDE HOW YOU FEEL. DON'T BREAK. DON'T CRACK. SMILE FOR GOD'S SAKE.

That was my day.


Haley said...

:/ Honeyhoneyhoney

You know that these thoughts are disordered.
You are obviously very thin. Just because someone is thinner than you does not mean that you are fat. It just means that that girl is either even more sick than you are or her metabolism is crazy fast and she is not consuming enough calories to make up for it.

Having people notice your ED is something you do and don't want. I want someone to notice so that you get the recovery & treatment you need, but I know how hard it is to be called out in public like that :/ I'm sorry.

I hope things work out. You look gorgeous in those Paris pictures, and I really don't feel like you need to lose an ounce of weight.

Angela said...

I know how hard it is to not compare ourselves to others, but that is always a losing battle. There will always be someone smarter, thinner, prettier... Your job is just to be the best you that you can be. I hate comments about whether I have lost or gained weight. Either way, it worms its way into our eating disordered mind, causing chaos and havoc. People just need to have something to say, and appearance is the main thing that people comment on. Most of the time that don't think about how it affects the other person. I saw your Paris pictures, and you definitely don't need to lose weight. You are a beautiful girl! Keep telling yourself that, and eventually you will believe it:) Sending {{{HUGS}}}

emmeepee said...

Oh, dear.

This is so heartbreaking to read. I can relate to everything you said here, and it makes me wonder how people can live like this. But the truth is, people CANNOT live like this. What happens to us at the end of our eating disorder? We eventually die. You know in your heart that you don't want that to happen. I'm so happy that your supervisor said something, even though it bothered you. But you need to know how sick you are and if you don't get help from someone or from a recovery center, I will lose hope. I have been to rehab and was the hardest time of my life, but you don't want to live like this. You know you don't. It is so unbelievably necessary in your condition to get help. Don't do this to yourself.

I'm sending you lots of hugs and you're in my prayers. <3 xoxo

not.quite.ana said...

i hate when people say that i've "lost weight" and "gotten skinny" because obviously it means i was fat enough before for them to notice. they're supposed to be "compliments" but each one makes me feel worse and worse... i sympathize with you so much.

all of your inner rants are almost exactly what i say to myself too. i feel like i have to punish myself for not being good enough and it hurts. a lot. but i want you to know that i don't believe a single word of what you tell yourself.

you're beautiful. you're not fat. and you're most definitely not a failure.

these words probably won't make much of a difference but you deserve to hear them. stay well <3