Saturday, 7 May 2011

Total feeling of FAILURE.

I thought if I can loose weight maybe that means I can be a success. Maybe I can mean something. Maybe I can be good at something. But yet again I failed. I am, at heart, a failure. I binged. That will put me like 2lbs up tomorrow. So dissapointed in myself.

My bulimic eating disorder tricks me, says "You know what? You deserve recovery, eat fish and chips, 3 chocolate eggs, ryvita with loads of cheese, a fatty yogurt, some ice cream. You won't feel guilty because it's okay." Then 5 minutes after the binge. The guilt. The overwhelming feeling that starts in your gut and moves to your head and takes over your body. You want to hit your head so hard against a wall. You're loosing a fight against yourself. The thoughts "How did you ever think it was okay to eat all that? Hm? How STUPID are you? You put your food cravings before loosing your huge thighs. You've failed BIG TIME and now you must feel the guilt."

I tried to purge but my gagging was too loud and I got scared someone would care. God I'm pathetic.

2 comments:

NOS said...

That's the thing with restricting-- it frequently leads to binging. It's our bodies' way of telling us that it is deprived and needs more.

You're not a failure. You are suffering from a disease. Would you blame a cancer patient for losing their hair? They aren't failing and neither are you. I think the more appropriate word is "struggling."

Hang on, battleinmind.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Heather said...

The trick is to keep breathing.
In, out, in, out.
I hate loosing the fight with myself.
Last night I binged too.
Today will be better.
Sensible meals, sensible times.
Just keep breathing. <3