Sunday, 11 December 2011

Three years.

It's been roughly three years since my eating disorder really started. 3 years. Not a month, week, day has gone by when I haven't thought about weight. For 3 years. That's sad. And yet... I don't give up. My thoughts always return to purging, losing a dress size, losing 10lbs. Why? I wouldn't say I HAVE an eating disorder any more. I eat three meals a day, I'm at a healthy weight, and purging is now the exception not the rule. 

But as I sit here, in my beautiful room, I look down at my God damn thighs and just want to cry. My bum, my thighs, that wobbly bit on my arm. The new (higher) size of my jeans. I don't want to indulge in ED but I am NOT happy in this body.

University, on the other hand, makes me very happy. My flatmates are just fantastic (although it's a shame I have a big crush on one the them...not telling him or anyone...go away feelings pleeeaasseee) My course, although pretty basic at the moment is manageable and making me excited for my future career. 

This term I haven't exactly been the BEST behaved. Too many guys have stayed over in my room and I've drunk way too much for my poor liver. Hey-Ho, it's my first term and I've gotten it out of my system so now I can move on and keep trying to be a little better behaved. 

Carol concert tonight. I'm on the Christmas hype!


3 comments:

Sairs said...

I have also had to get used to my higher weight and dress size. It doesn't feel nice does it! I have laid my ED to rest and it's nice to be normal with food but even though everyone tells me I am a good weight, I still don't see it. I wish I could but I still have the distorted body image. I hope one day it goes away and you also feel better about yourself and your weight the way it is.
*hugs*
Sarah

Erin said...

Yeah, it really sucks (weight gain, bigger clothes)...my last 2 years have consisted of going up and up and it has been really difficult. It's hard to adjust. Keep working on everything. They say the body image piece is the absolute last part.

mundanebrain said...

I totally just stumbled on your blog and only read your last few posts, but I just wanted to throw this right back at ya. A few posts ago YOU write this: "I'm really resisting those eating disordered thoughts at the moment. I would love to be 10lbs less, but in the long run if I did loose those 10lbs I wouldn't be any happier."
Even though I dont know you, I am very sure that part was written by YOU. The REAL YOU and not that 'other' you. Please, keep those two sentences in mind. Because I also know there are manymanymanyMANYmany things out there that can and WILL make you happier, so why not try and chase them instead? Investing your time in energy in doing that will be so much more worth it than wasting it on trying to lose a few pounds and at the same time losing a few sparks..
Love, Sooz