Monday, 2 August 2010

Diary update.

I have lost the ability to write. I don't know what to say. I don't comment on any of your blogs and the guilt is getting to me. Sorry.

So here is a proper update:

Today my food intake has been non existent so far: I had a smoothie for breakfast and a smoothie for lunch. I told my parents that I had a Mcdonalds when I went shopping so I only have to have a small dinner, then off to the gym to purge and work out. What a fun day!

On fantastic news: Everything is going well with the boyfriend. He's fantastic :) :)

Shopping today was utterly miserable, I had a massive row with my parents before and stormed out. I tried on like 100000 dresses and they all looked terrible. My body looks huge at the moment, in the mirror it looked like it had been stretched, it's gross. Then I went off to the clinic, I get the results in 2 weeks..eek!

I'm trying to keep myself busy at the moment so I don't have too much time to think. Tomorrow I have a big family birthday and everyone is coming round, so the smiling mask will be on. After that I'm having coffee with my mentor, thank God, I need to speak to someone. (I'm falling to pieces, a second ago I thought I was going to burst into tears, then started laughing, then got really angry....what|??!??!) Anyway, got a few parties and nights out coming up, along with lots of gym time.

I'm coming up to a very scary week next week. I go away on my annual camp with church. Last year I ate 1 rhyvita a day and fainted and kept having panic attacks. Being back there is going to be challenging. My mind is already in the "starve for a week" mindset.

This post was very here and there, sorry.

Thank you so much for the comments, I'm so sorry that I'm not replying, I'll try harder.


i love bows:) said...

firstly kitten, you never have to 'try' to comment on peoples posts. you write whatever you feel like writing:)

you can call me anytime if you need to talk you know. Ok, i might not be the most helpful person in the world, but i can listen-and hey, i can always update you on my goldfishes's depression (jon paul has bipolar-im convinced!dont ask.) and make yo laugh at the very least.

bet you looked gorgeous n everything you tried o really. i hate shopping at this time of year-its like the shops are bringing put the same rubbish they been trying to get rid of in sales for past 6 years...i didnt want it then, and i dont want it now!!!

similary, im vvv pissed off at vogue right now. Whilst i have been livin the granny look-elasticated mid knee-ankle length skirts for yonks, am convinced they are now trying to rip off my style.

either that or im their new muse.


love as always, dont ever forget your reasons for recovery, ok chicky, carry them around in a notebook if you have to, but dont forget!

loves and smoooches xxxxxx

A@ Please Don't Eat Me! said...

awww girl.. stay strong in recovery, you can do it!

ive been hating shopping recently too- my boobs have almost doubled in size.. and nothing fits anymore correctly! GROSS!
(on the other hand, if you would like some of my cleavage, you can have it!)

mariposai said...

Life stresses leave you more vulnerable to ED behaviours, and it sounds as though things are pretty hectic for you right now in lots of ways. Don't lose hope in recovery - getting back on track with your eating will put you in a better place to deal with whatever life throws at you.

Sarah x

Anonymous said...

I hope you are well. I'm glad everything is going well with your boyfriend.
Don't stress out about anything. Try to remain calm.
All my love to you.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad things are going well with your boyfriend, but I'm sorry you're struggling with eating. I know what it's like. But please try not to "starve for a week." You've come so far, you don't have to listen to that voice anymore.

Wishing you well,

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry things aren't great with your eating right now. I know when things aren't going well, it's easy to turn to food, or the restriction of food, to cope. Starving for a week really doesn't sound like a good idea though...

Good to hear things with the boyfriend are well and hopefully the catch up with your mentor will be helpful for you too.

Take care,
Cassie x