Friday, 11 June 2010


I have some news which I hope you will like: today at exactly quarter to ten, I got up from revision. Went downstairs. Got a bowl. And made porridge. Cut up half a banana and got some walnuts. I then ate it. All of it. This is the first time I have eaten breakfast in months.

Your comments really put things into perspective, I read them through this morning and cried at your loveliness, hearing these things are hard to take in, and I honestly don't think I would have got the courage this morning to eat breakfast without the encouragement you gave me. Thank you so much.

I want to live in the present - not worrying about lunch...not worrying about dinner...not worrying about the scales. And to do that I just need to respond to my hunger signals as they come. When I realise I feel hungry I can get a snack, or eat my meal. I eat it slowly and mindfully, thinking about how I feel while I eat, and when I feel full I'm going to put down my knife and fork, and stop eating.

I'm expecting ups and downs.

1. I think I feel a bit relieved. Relieved that I think I'm going to be okay.
2. I still feel apprehensive and a bit scared about: looking fat on holiday, getting really bloated, my Mum saying I look a bit 'big'. I'm worried that tomorrow my weight is going to be really 'high'.
3. I'm worried that I'm going to put on a lot of weight, all I want to do is maintain.

But the things I'm worried about are in the future, so right now, right this very second I don't need to worry.
Quick question: How do you maintain your weight? I'm thinking logically, and the weight I am right now is probably the weight me and my body is happiest at. It's in the healthy BMI range and it's a weight I feel 'comfortable' in.

1. Yesterday night I couldn't sleep because I was hungry. The fact is: I don't want to feel like this because it reflects badly on my grades, and this is an important time where I need energy to revise.
2. Even if I do go up in weight tomorrow that will be because I have been eating so little and my body is readjusting.

So there we go! Sometimes you've got to go through tough emotions (see last post) to get to these brighter ones. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I just found it.

1. What are some examples of good, healthy, filling snacks for in-between meals?
2. have you got any tips for staying in the present...not worrying about the future etc?
3. You can change the colour of the sky. What colour do you change it to?


Andy said...

Ok so here's what I figured out.

The past couple weeks I've been eating regularly right?

So I gained weight. I gained like 5 pounds.

But then this funny thing happened.

My body went normal.

And it lost 7 pounds.

And I was like, woah.

Your body will know how to maintain.

It's a little crazy, I still don't trust it entirely, but there's no evidence I shouldn't.

Anyway, I am SO SO SO proud you ate breakfast. Seriously. So proud. That's hard. But it's great and you are trying and that is fantastic.

Your feelings are normal. That's where I was last week and yesterday and even when I woke up today.

1. I like granola bars, nuts, apples. Cheese when I'm feeling brave.

2. When I am freaking out, I count squares. 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, 49, 64, 81, 100. Over and over again until I calm down. That probably stems from my OCD which is also about squares. Otherwise just try to experience exactly what you are feeling at that moment. Really think about it. If you're eating something, think about it's texture and taste and smell. It sounds kind of strange, but the more you think about the present, the farther away the future gets.

3. I don't think I would change its color. I love the way it changes constantly. The color of the sky is always changing, pink, purple, orange, yellow, red, blue, gray, black. I think it's beautiful.

I hope your day goes fantastic, I'm off to breakfast.

Love, Andy

Elisabeth said...

I'm really proud of you for eating breakfast :) That is a HUGE achievement in recovery and you should be very proud of yourself!

1.Good healthy filling snacks that I think are good, are fruit, yogurts, nuts (i love cashews and macadamias!) also crackers & cheese are good. Another good snack is sultanas.

2. Well I'm sort of in the same situation as you right now, like I can't stop worrying about the future and find it difficult to stay in the present. But just take it one day at a time, day by day things will get better and you will be okay. Remind yourself that if you keep worrying about the future, the worrying will never end! I'm constantly worrying about the future (tomorrow, next week etc) and it just causes me such anxiety and worry that I find it hard to focus on the present.

3. I'd change the color of the sky to a very pale, light pink :)

Anyway, you're doing so well, I know it's a struggle. Recovery is a struggle, it's a battle, but you can do it, I believe in you and I hope that you have a good day tomorrow <3

Charr. said...

I'm so so proud of you!!! <3 Great job. The little things add up, right? And if you start with little things like eating breakfast, you're seriously on the right path. You're proving to yourself that you can do this, and we're all proud of you :)

1. A bowl of Kashi Honey Nut Almond or something is kind of a big snack filling-wise, but it's really healthy and totally fills you up. It's fun to eat, too-- you know what I mean if you've eaten it :P

2. Hold your breath for as long as you can and allow yourself to worry while you do that. When you run out of air, take a breath and stop worrying about the future. I know that sounds kind of stupid..but yeah :]

3. Purple. That would just be neat. Purple sky with creamsicle orange horizons <3

mariposai said...

This is amazing news, and you should be so proud of yourself! You go girl!

It seems like you are coming to some important realisations right now and turning a corner in recovery - it's so inspiring to read about :-)

Snacks - I like...pretzels, fruit with yoghurt, flapjack, toast with marmite, smoothies, milkshakes, crackers with cheese/philly...

Staying in the present is something that takes practise...what helps me is to really take notice of what is going on both around and within me, appreciate small things like the weather, birdsong, warmth, laughter...anything

My sky would be rainbowy, like a patchwork quilt of many colours and patterns ;)

Well done again!

Sarah x

Eating Alone said...

Very happy for you.

Snack, my RD tell's me to have 2 of them a day one is a dairy and a fruit, the other is a dairy and a carb.

I mix it up and have yogurt and a peach or a couple of slices of cheese and a banana just try different things. For the carb and dairy, I'll sometimes just have a bowl of cereal. Or a whole wheat roll and melt a slice of cheese on it. That's really good.

For staying in the present - can't help you there. I don't. The future and past worry me so much I tend to forget the now.

I like the sky the way it is. The sunsets change the sky enough for me.

sunshine said...

oh i feel all proud of you now! well done lovely :)

1. apples, cereal bars (nature valley ones are actually so yummy!), flavoured soya milk...

2. ok, it's gonna sound childish but listening to a story on cd or tape or something is a good way to lose yourself in the present. and to just stay in the present then try just sitting and listening, hear the things closest to you first then gradually move outwards ...if that makes sense :P

3. i kinda like the sky the way it is ...but maybe a light orangy pink like a sunset?

loves xo

Anonymous said...

well done you :)
like sunshine said, cereal bars are good, they are my favourite.
i like taking a walk with my ipod. that always relaxes me.
i like the sky blue. maybe a purple though. that could be pretty cool.

i love bows:) said...

im really proud of you babes, you rock my world you do so!!!hahaha

obviously id make the sky pink, and the clouds all shaped like bows.

healthy snacks-im in to yoghurt coated raisons right now, cereal bars, unusual fruit, vegetable crisps, actually to be honest, anything you fancy at this stage is a good thing.the odd biscuit, chocolate bar etc is not going to have a massive impact, stops you craving and possibly bingeing.oooh, poppy seed cake is lush, and its not too bad for you either im told by doc:)

dont dwell and enjoy yourself:)

love you xxxx latest poem was brilliant lol xxx

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy for you, sweetie!!
1. I eat lots of bananas, oranges, watermelons and strawberries. They are not snacks, but they fill me up, and they are super healthy.

2. It's not easy to stay in the present. But we have to in order to be happy. Just stay connected with yourself in every way. Do more things you enjoy. I love nature, so I make sure to visit a park everyday. It keeps me happy.

3. I like the blue sky, but I won't mind a purple sky!

Sorry for the super long answers. I just enjoy reading your posts, and replying.
Have a wonderful weekend.


Anonymous said...

YOU ROCK!!! Eating breakfast was so so so brave. I am so proud of you!

1. What are some examples of good, healthy, filling snacks for in-between meals?

-How about half a bagle w/ Swiss Cheese on top (and maybe some butter, just a hint?), muesli with bananas and greek yoghurt. Apples, Almonds, Nuts in general...

2. have you got any tips for staying in the present...not worrying about the future etc?

-I still have to work on this, but sometimes it helps to think a minute about how I FEEL. (Besides fat and full and ugly and the usual crap). Ground myself in FACTS: Will this one meal actually make me fat? Most likely the answer is "no". Do i eat with the right intentions? Do I feel hunger or appetite? ect.

3. You can change the colour of the sky. What colour do you change it to?
Pink or violett. My favorite colors.

Sairs said...

You know how I have managed to maintain my weight, by only weighing once a week, by eating every meal, by not restricting and by doing this consistently. I found the more I just let myself be and let my body rest from the restriction, that my weight has stablised. It is actually only 2kg higher, but it's stayed there and I'm happy. I feel great. I can think. I am not over emotional all the time, just some of the time, because I'm like that anyway. By realising that I have to learn to accept myself the way I am. It was hard, but I think I've done it. You can too, I know you can. Oh and I always always have breakfast :-)

i love bows:) said...

hey babes

i swear ive literally begged my doctor to get my some help, not into groups-everything triggers the heck out of me-ive been to both an ED group therpay and one for SI, and came away worse from both.
fuckity fucki i dont kinw what to dooooooo