Saturday, 5 June 2010

Should I feel guilty for relapse?

This is a bit of an indulgent post - but I feel like it's my fault that I've relapsed...what am I saying?! It is my fault!! I actively let myself fall back to this. This week I've purged 4 times. Restricted obsessively. Not happy with this. That fear and feeling of helplessness when coming up to dinner has returned. But as strange as it sounds, I feel like my ED behaviours are helping me cope with exam stress. Damn, damn, triple damn.

On good news, hear is how Friday with the boy went. We met at the park down my road, and I wanted to buy a magazine so we went to the shop and I brought Elle. Because England has suddenly decided it's Summer we went back and sat in the park. And talked. For an hour. Really nice, really relaxed. There were no awkward moments, it was really lovely being able to hang out with him and not worry about him thinking I was leading him on. Thanks for the faaaabulous advice :)

Okay, my question a while ago was 'what would you do with a million pounds'. I have to stay, the first thing I would do is buy a pair of Christain Louboutains and a Chanel bag. And then I would save the rest.

Second question, who would I be for a day? I would be a ballerina. I admire ballerina's strength, stamina and grace, I would love to see what it's like to be that talented.

Okay, new questions for you:

1. One magic power, what do you chose?
2. Three eyes or two bums, what do you chose?

I love doing these types of questions, and I love hearing your answers :)


Charr. said...

Aww, I'm glad to hear things with the guy went well! For me that's like ideal time spent together-- just chilling and talking :]

1. I'd love love love to fly. Simple as that <3
2. Three eyes-- and maybe my third one could be "the" third eye, you know, the one people believe can see spirits and stuff? If you know what I mean :P

Take care,

Anonymous said...

i would love to be invisible.
it seems magical and mysterious.
three eyes i think!
i'm glad it went well with the guy for you :)

Kristal said...

I would love to be able to control time, past current future. That would be so awesome.

I'll have to vote for 3 eyes but I've a feeling my insurance company is gonna be a bitch when I try to explain to them I need more contacts.


i love bows:) said...

coolio babes

im gonna break with the crowd-2 bums!imagine the clothes i could make to deal with that!!

and im with you on the 'million pounds thing' which chanel bag?

dont feel guilty.guilt doesnt help anyone.fact.and we know im always right hahahahahaha

i cant think of a better way of saying this my love-but its actually kind of a default setting-your stressed, and its how you have alwasy coped with the feelings in the past.its not something you should blame yourself for-its what you have learned, for the reasons that you found yourself with an ED to begin with.and guilt will just exasperate it.

so we just have to find you different default coping strategies!go back to the list i bullied you into writing ages ago.

im not advocating ED here. its a sneaky beeeeep. but we all cope in th bests ways we can.and sometimes over things in life really do make recovery very difficult.its not a cop just is.cos it needs all your focus, and right now, you focus is exams.if that makes sense.

look after you my dear, and email me anytime

love moi xxxxxxx

i love bows:) said...

hahaha els, im always looking for people that would like a share in my 'assets'-i hate em lol have enough for about 6 people LOL :p
thanks for your super sweet comment, you always make me feel like im super cool lol

jadore you!

xxxxx hahaha i love river island-its so tacky, and so weird sometimes, but its fab!

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

1. I would like to fly. bet you didn't guess that one! ;)
2. three eyes. when I was younger, I use to play this video game called 'Star Ocean: The Second Story' and one of my /favourite/ characters had three eyes. ever since then, I've wanted that third eye in the middle of my forehead so badly!

and as for the ED helping you cope with stress- it's sad, but true. trying to pull away from an ED just adds so much anxiety and panic into a persons life because it's an escape route, don't you think? but I know you're so much stronger than the ED, the panic and the anxiety put together and times infimity.

NabilaHazirah said...

Glad to hear things went well with the guy :)

1. magic powers will be er... i would really love to just ZAP! things,like Sabrina the teenage witch does.

2. i'll go with three eyes!


Anonymous said...

Awww...I'm sorry about that, but I'm glad you had a great time with the guy.

These are the weirdest and most interesting set of questions! haha.
1. I would love to be able to disappear and reappear wherever I desire. I mean, I could appear in a totally cool place.

2.Ehm, I choose 3 eyes!

Have a happy Monday, sweetie.