Sunday, 27 June 2010

Trapped.

Yesterday, whilst lying in bed trying to sleep negativity attached to me. I had these awful, horrible thoughts about myself, over and over again...they were completely out of the blue...I haven't had them this bad for a long time. I felt so ANGRY at my body. At my thighs. At my big legs. I just started scratching them up and punching them. I HATED them. I haven't felt this much hate and negativity towards me for a long time. What I notice is the minute you start believing the negative thoughts...they invade you. They move from horrible things about your body, to horrible things about how your family think you hate them, about what a lousy person you are etcetc. So clearly my evening was spent trying to battle these thoughts. Hard work!

On a better note, I've noticed how much better and more structured my eating is when I eat breakfast and lunch with someone. I used to think that it's better to eat on your own so you can think about the food..but I've noticed that when I eat with someone else I feel more satisfied with the food I have, and don't want to binge or purge afterwards.

I know I've talked about this before but...I HATE SUMMER. I can't deal with the clothes, or my paleness, or the fact that all my friends are thinner and prettier and more tanned. I hate the fact that I have cellulite and I hate the fact that my thighs wobble. I hate that I can't disguise this in Summer. I feel so vulnerable and raw in summer. No where to hide.

Thank you for the good luck on my exams :) my biology went horribly, but I am hopeful for my psychology test on Tuesday.
Sorry for the lack of comments on you blogs!
xxx

6 comments:

happinessiswithin said...

Gosh that dream sounds horrible. I hate having dreams like that, I hate feeling like that in generally. Hey, atleast it was a dream and it hasnt affected your eating.

Summer is a little rough for me too. I've also gone way way way down in my might every summer for the past uh 10 years? This is the first year my weight is going UP. DIFFICULT but i'm going in a much better direction..

Dana xo

http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

tywo said...

Oh no. I hope the thoughts are gone. I agree. Eating with someone is better. Whenever I eat with someone, I eat less. I make them eat, while I talk.
Sweetie. You are pretty, and wonderful. Live now. Summer is amazing. Be amazing with it.
Good luck on your psychology test.
All my love.




LOVE!

Sairs said...

If eating with someone is better, maybe you should try and plan your meals with someone for a little while until you get your confidence back a bit. I'm sorry you are feeling horrible. Wish I could help! Good luck on the exam.
*hugs*
Sarah

mariposai said...

Hey lady ;)

There's nothing wrong with being pale - I'm pale and proud! It's individual :-)

Sorry to hear there have been some negative thoughts and a tough exam, but good luck for all the rest and remember that you can battle these thoughts, and the more you do, the less prominent they will become.

I know what you mean about eating with others (or in my case, the 'right' people - some stress me out!) - it can really help.

Sarah x

A@ Please Don't Eat Me! said...

awwww sugar pie, im so sorry to hear about the dream, i hate having dreams like that, they are definitely not good for the soul..

but yes i agree with other commenters if it helps to eat with other people, go for it!!

i love bows:) said...

love you chicky:)

your fabulous

dont forget:)

xxxxx