Thursday, 17 June 2010

Disgusting.

Seriously. I'm gross. Binge all day. 2 days straight, don't stop eating. No purging. But right now I feel worse than I ever feel when I restrict. Can someone PLEASE make me numb??

Fuck this. I don't think I could even restrict if I want to with all this binging.

What do I do? I can't continue like this. Fuck this.
I'm so scared about summer...about bikinis...about being with my super skinny friends for over 2 weeks. I'm not going to be able to cope.

I don't know if I can get through this without real help.

15 comments:

willfindhope said...

Is definetely not a word that could be used to describe you.
Take care,
Cassie x

Eating Alone said...

? You did so good yesterday. This is not a rational thought. You have to recognize those irrational thoughts and counter them.

Unless you are talking about kitty puke. Then you can use that and clean it up. I think my cat is making a game out if now.

willfindhope said...

You've done well to not purge. You're not gross or disgusting.
Maybe it does indicate that you need more help though? If you are identifying that your ED behaviours and thoughts are gettig worse, it's best to seek help sooner rather than later.
Take care,
Cassie x

now.is.now said...

Hey, you!

1. (hug)

2. I know the feeling that comes with eating non-stop (real or perceived) for 2+ days... it sucks. I'm sorry you feel it.

3. You are calling yourself gross and disgusting. Do you really define gross and disgusting as someone who ate more than normal? No, I didn't think so. So change your language, m'dear. You are not gross and disgusting.

4. Yes, restriction does feel better than bingeing. Still, both are eating disordered behaviors. Trying to fix bingeing by restricting is like tyring to get out of the eating disordered hole by going down the hole (instead of up). Restricting will only set you up for more bingeing. So, restricting isn't the answer - even if it does feel better.

5. What do you do? You have to do everything you can to stay in the present. The more you count and recount, list and relist all the food you've eaten, the more guilty you'll feel...and guilt encourages bingeing usually. So, no matter how hard, try try try to remind yourself that you ARE ALLOWED to eat today (no matter what you ate yesterday or what you fear you'll end up eating tonight). you ARE ALLOWED to eat. Try to eat in a very structured way. B, L, S, D, S. Before you eat, take a moment to think a/b what and how much you are going to eat. And choose something and a quanitty that is satisfying enough so that you're not still thinking a/b food afterwards. This'll decrease the chances of bingeing.

Lastly, breathe to stay calm, close your eyes, and visualize yourself getting through the day eating in a calm, sane fashion. You are not doomed. Visualize yourself not being doomed. Visualize yourself being successful today.

Also.... do you have an eating disorder dietitian? Mine has helped me a lot break the restrict/binge cycle...

mariposai said...

You are not disgusting. And perhaps some help is needed here. I know how awful it feels to binge - I did it myself in the early hours of this morning and it's usually more about stress and worry than anything else. Relationships with food can be so complex, even for people without EDs, so go easy on yourself, and don't be afraid to seek some help with this.

Hugs

Sarah x

The Woollen Typist said...

This may be just the right time to get help from a dietician if you don't already see one.

You've done so well to not purge and that in itself is a real achievement...so don't beat yourself up about it.

For now though, I suppose you could try and keep a food diary and put your feelings and what you were doing beside what you ate and when...to give you a clearer idea of why you feel you are binging.

Look after yourself and make sure you ask for help.

xx:)

Eating Alone said...

I could only see your title when I first commented.

You do know that you are not gross or disgusting. That is just the ED voice telling you that. Of course it made you binge and then beat's you up over it. Or it will make you restrict and then beat you up over it.

For us peace is something doesn't come easy. It will come but you have to fight for it. For now, just eat the next meal right, no bingeing to restricting.

♥Zoe said...

I've been stuck in the same rut too, so I just decided to get straight back on track with restricting.
First few dies have been horrible, but I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.
The best thing to do is learn from your mistakes.
Do you keep a food diary?
Try it, it helps :)
xxx

Charr. said...

My mega binge days usually last 3 days, which is fucking disgusting but after those three days I always sort out myself again. Maybe you're the same way? Two days of bingeing really isn't going to set you off much at all, doll. Don't worry about it too much; you still make me proud and I think you're doing really well :]
xoxo

PS: Just noticed your list on the side. Loving it! Hehe, have you never done 36? :P

Sairs said...

Hey hun, I can't think of anything original after all these awesome comments and I second them. You are not disgusting. Eating two days in a row too much will not make you pack on weight. It is uncomfortable to you but it won't do that. Please be gentle with yourself.
*hugs*
Sarah

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

You're not disgusting, you're wonderful! And I think you're doing great not to purge. However, binging can be just as damaging as restricting. Oftentimes, it's easy to flip from one extreme to the other and it is SO difficult to find a healthy balance but you can do it. If you think you need professional help then PLEASE seek it out! I'm here for you!

A@ Please Don't Eat Me! said...

you are not gross or disgusting at all Ellie you wont gain weight from eating more for a couple of days.. tomorrow is a new day with your thoughts, with food.. with everything.
you are amazing!!!

tywo said...

You are not gross.
Everything that needs to be said as been said by all these wonderful comments. So, do you see how many people like you, and think you are great?
I wish I could give you a hug right now.
All my love, sweetie.
Stay strong.




LOVE!

i love bows:) said...

El's, you totally rock.you really do.i mean it.

you can call meor email anytine you want to talk about anything.

try as hard as you can to establish mealtimes again, that can help stop bingeing.dont think about restricting-i know- i know-but itl drive you crazy thinking that way.
you are brilliant and gorgeous just the way you are:)

im always here babes
xxxxxxxxx

i love bows:) said...

love you chicky!your so fabby!haha sometimes i wake up and HATE my clothes...i think im losing it lol hahaha xxxxxxx