Monday, 14 June 2010

It's a fight.

At lunch today I was able to regain some perspective, and I ate lunch. I then binged, for hours on end. No purging. I NEED to make sure I don't weigh myself for the next few weeks, exams are the most important thing at the moment and I need to be healthy for them. Tomorrow is my first exam, and as strange as it sounds, I'm pretty excited. I LOVE writing essay in English Literature exams.
My mind is very much divided in two. Most of the time I am completely wanting to restrict...forgetting anything to do with recovery. Then I get glimpses of perspective, remembering why I want to recover. I need to get more of these glimpses.

Sooo girls and guys, PLEASE can you help motivate me to not weigh myself and not to binge... as binging leads to guilt...leads to weighing...leads to restricting etc. etc. I know it sounds silly, but what I need now is support in recovery, and you, my fellow bloggers, are all I have for support (it's a good think you're all so fabulous).

Last time I asked you if it is possible to live the Sex and the City lifestyle, most of you thought it wasn't, and I'm inclined to agree, I don't think there relationship with sex - as somewhat meaningless is very healthy. But that's just my opinion.
I also asked you about names. My name is Eleanor (call me Ellie) and I would change my name to Amalie or Isabelle.

What's your favourite musical?
What would you say to someone at the beginning of an eating disorder?


Sairs said...

I have no idea about musicals but if I could talk to someone at the beginning of their eating disorder I was beg them stop, because once you get the ED voice in your head, he can be there for years. I wish I could go back in time to just over five years and say to the slightly overweight me at the time that it wasn't worth all the pain I ended up in due to my ED. For me, the ED had little to do with food, that was just the tool, but more to do with how I valued myself and how much I cared about myself and how much I actually hated myself. I then came online (not blogger) and learnt some really bad tips that led me to my lowest weight. If I could stop one person from going down the path I did, I would. I wouldn't wish an ED on anyone.

Anonymous said...

i would beg them to stop. it isn't worth it. it really isn't. the pain is too much. i wouldn't let me do it. i couldn't.
i would love to see wicked. i have never seen it, but i love the music to it, so it would probably be my favourite.
good luck in your exam tomorrow.
ps - i will always be here for you.

i love bows:) said...

grease all the way baby

i so AM a pink lady!

i guess id ask them what they thought it would achieve, yknow.cs we all know being thin doesnt make you feel better.and maybe id ask them why they felt that way.and id just point out that however much it seems that way-ED just ismt going to be your friend.ever.

good luck babes:)

love you el's <3 im such a mess up right now:(

lots of love always xxxxxx

Charr. said...

I'm not sure how I can help you exactly, but if you ever need anything of me, just ask. We're totally here to support you doll <3 And even though sometimes we desire to be "perfectly thin", what I care more about is your health and happiness. I support you 100% in recovery. Stay strong, dear.

mariposai said...

Good luck in the exam! I used to enjoy English exams too :-)

Something I learnt in breaking the binge-purge cycle was that restricting afterwards made it more likely to happen again. The best thing to do after a binge is to keep trying to eat a regular and sufficient diet, even though this seems unbearably hard at the time.

With exam time being stressful, seek as much help/support as you need, and anyone who chooses recovery has my full support. You CAN do this!

My favourite musical is Ocean World, and to someone at the beginning of an seems a little obvious to say 'don't do it' and I know that probably wouldn't have stopped me, but I'd probably ask them to question what was missing from their lives...what functions would they be trying to fill with ED behaviours? Idk it's a difficult one...

Sarah x

A@ Please Don't Eat Me! said...

i tell everyone this.. every day is a new day, a different battle, a different victory. one day might be bad and you feel like you lost, but tomorrow you may win- its the same way with ED- some days are going to be better than others and as long as you are willing to fight it, you will succeed, even if it feels hopeless and horrible.

Les Miserables, Wicked, & Rent are my favorite musicals- BY FAR!!!!

Anonymous said...

What's your favourite musical?
Cats. It always has and always will be. I just love the costumes and the songs. LOVE IT.

What would you say to someone at the beginning of an eating disorder?
Dont ever start! It doesnt solve problems, it CREATES problems and kills you.

Eating Alone said...

I would tell, if I could force, that person to get profesional help. A good ED therapist can see the ED type behaviors and help to stop them before they become set, maybe. If nothing else they can help to get that person on a plan to protect them from themselves.

As to the scale, it will not matter what the number is. It will never be the "right" number for your ED. Something in it will cause a binge/purge or restrict session. SO STAY OFF THE SCALE!!!

Also my therapist tell's me to "Do the Next Right Thing!". That is what you need to do, you can't change what happened but you can make sure that you do the next right thing.

Good luck.

Amber Rochelle said...

The scale is not your friend...the scale is not your friend...the scale is NOT your friend!

Good luck with your exams. Wishing you the best.

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

I love the questions you ask, and sorry I have been a bit MOA lately!

Let's see... my favorite musical? I really love 'Wicked' and I also really love 'The Phantom of the Opera' which I actually got to see on Broadway and was a marvelous experience.

What would I say to someone in the beginning of an eating disorder? That is so hard because there are so many things people can say but it's all about getting through to the person. I suppose I would try and take it in steps. First I would try to figure out their insecurities or past trauma's that may be causing them to starve/binge/purge. Then, I would try to offer healthy alternatives. Then I would explain the dangers of an eating disorder but also how it slows your metabolism. I would try to find out what they want to be in life and explain how the eating disorder could hinder them in their future plans. But I would make it quite clear that all of this babble coming out of my mouth can be utterly meaningless or completely insightful depending on how THEY view it.

And what I will say to you- Starving yourself or having any sort of unorganized, disordered eating habits during a stressful times when grades are on the line will not only deteriorate your health, but also your grades. It's like you're ruining two things with one stone. I am certain you are aware of this because you are highly intelligent, but I would encourage you to maybe step back and think of your future and of your future plans and focus on that aspect of life and how you can achieve them. Think of the future like a tool- what can you do to make it happen, what can you do to fix it?

I love you, darling girl :)