Sunday, 28 November 2010

How the date went.

The date.
Started as the majority of dates start, a little awkwardly, but it soon warmed up as we walked around my city, and ended up in a secluded bar. He's clever, HOT, ambitious and has a sense of humour (plus he can kiss good teehee). But the weird thing is I have no feelings about it. I don't care if he texts, I don't care if he doesn't. He did text, and I am staying at his next week. This is another thing, I don't really care about what is going to happen. We will probably have sex. I don't care. I'm in a very promiscuous mood, and as awful as it is I am probably using him for sex. Judge me if you want, I'm just being honest.

Recently I thought about why I'm so...well....messed up. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me. I have a stable family. I have had a good education and am physically healthy. So why the hell am I so down? Why did I develop bulimia? Why do I do stuff which I know will mess me up later? WHY AM I SO SELF DESTRUCTIVE? I can blame no one but myself. This is my fault, I can't blame any experience in my life. It's my own selfish, attention seeking self. 



I really dislike me.   

6 comments:

helen said...

i don't judge.
i think that it wasn't your fault. our fault. whatever. somehow i think this was always going to happen. or maybe just my wishful thinking. but even though i think that i blame me too.
its so complicated

Lisa said...

I don't judge. I've been there. I've felt the exact same way about guys in my past. It's never your fault. These things aren't worth laming on one person or anything. it's complicated as helen said

You're not being selfish or attention seeking.
Please don't dislike yourself. You deserve better.

We accept the love we think we deserve.
-"The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky

<3
-Lisa

NOS said...

I don't think it's fair to blame your illnesses on yourself. Would you blame yourself if you had cancer? I know it's hard to think of mental illness as an actual ILLNESS, but that's what it is. It's part biology, part environment. And sometimes biology can trump a very good environment.

You may dislike yourself, but I certainly don't! I like you a lot, and hope that you will eventually see yourself in the same way that I do.

Wishing you well,
NOS

i love bows:) said...

hey ell belle :)

sorry i have been so quiet, ive been reading though:)

Im not judging you-but maybe you are judging yourself. I think we all dor eally-i mean whose standards are you trying to live up to? if you see what i mean.

messing about with guys-thats just stuff, yknow. i think we all kind of do it as we grow up and find out what we are about. and the ED-they develop for all kinds of reasons. stop beating yourself up-

i think your fabulous xxxxx

not.quite.ana said...

i definitely sympathize about wanting to have fun without the emotional commitment... either way, don't let him go even if it's only for sexual purposes XD i feel the same way about this whole eating thing, it's not like there was a traumatic incident that pushed me into this, it is all my own doing :/ all i can hope for is that we'll *somehow* be able to stop when we're skinny. i really hope we can.

tywo said...

Hello love,
Stop being so hard on yourself. We all have sorrows that we don't understand. We are young. We are growing. We are learning. We need good and not so good experiences.
I'm here for you. I like you. You should like yourself a lot.


LOVE!