Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Am I allowed

Am I allowed to go to the gym? If so how often? Am I allowed to read books like 'Wasted'? Am I allowed to count calories? Am I allowed to purge every know an then? Can I hold on to some parts of an eating disorder and let others go. My mum found my calorie counter, she freaked out at first, but now she doesn't mind me using it, she understands I'm 'watching my figure' as she put it. Personally I think she thinks I'm a bit tubby, but maybe that's me being harsh

I find the hardest parts of the day just after eating and when I wake up. When I wake up I just reallllly want to fast. After eating I want eat everything in the house or purge.

I'm a little worried about the fact matter how well I am doing I still have a feeling that the minute I get to university my ED will come back full force. And to be honest I am kind of looking forward to it. Food will be completely in my control. Oooh dear.

On a completely different note I am doing a gap year and am starting to plan it now, here are my rough plans so far:
1. I am definitely gong to Majorca for two weeks, Venice for one week and Cornwall for one week (this is all booked)
2. I want to get a full time job in a clothes shop (I want discounts!)
3. I am considering going to Camp America and being a camp counsellor.
4. Evening classes to improve my French, and maybe take a long weekend in Paris avec ma mere.
5. read A LOT of books (this is the one I think I'm most excited about, doing English literature has taken away any freedom of my book choice).

Sorry for the dull post. I just enjoy putting thoughts into writing so much!


mariposai said...

It's important to get rid of the eating disorder in its entirety. This doesn't mean you won't ever be able to go to the gym again (but this should be for pleasure, not for compulsion) but I'd stay away from the other things on the list. Personally I think gyms are awful places. I spent much of my time at university in one. What. A. Waste. I'd like to think that you will be able to embrace university life without an eating disorder clinging onto you and ruining everything. I believe you can do this, but it really does take time, patience and practise.

Your gap year sounds fab! I often wish I'd done one too...

Sarah x

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

ah, I certainly understand that English Lit takes all the fun out of reading sometimes. I'm an English major, ha ha. And I think that going to the gym is fine, but reading books like "Wasted" may trigger. And purging is something I would definitely tell you to stay away from. I hope things start to get easier for you! :)

Ever. said...

Your well on your way to recovery, and maybe to help move yourself along and stay healthy, you should stay away from trigger things. Personally, it would be near impossible for me to eat like a normal person if I were counting calories and everything. Going to the gym's always a good idea, though.

Sheesh, your plans sound so great!! I'm excited for you :) I wish I could go there!!
xoxo said...

The longer I've been working on recovery, the longer I realize that, no, you can't keep some of the ED. The more you calorie count, fast, restrict, think about restricting, etc., the more you have the feeling of "I want to eat the whole house and purge." When I read this, I see myself a couple years ago - wanting so badly to keep the "thin" part of the ED the "control" part the "restricting" parts but wanting to get rid of the feelings you described above post eating (wanting to eat the whole house/purge) and get rid of other parts as well. I read this post and I think, "Like I had to, she has to work on combatting that diet mentality. She has to feel like all foods can be consumed when she feels like them. She has to feel like she doesn't have to exercise if she doesn't feel like it. She needs to calm down around food and stop wanting to hang on so badly to parts of th ED. When she relaxes and realizes she doesn't need to count calories... when she relaxes and realizes she can eat any food item when she wants it, she will also then lose the desire to purge, to eat the whole house, etc." Then again, maybe I'm just projecting my own experience onto you. If that's the case, then I'm sorry! I'm not doing so well right now in regards to food, but I NO LONGER have the desires to eat the whole house or to purge or to keep a calorie counter... and I think that comes from a few years of working on truly believing I can eat anything and my body can handle it. So, short answer: No, you can't keep parts of the ED. Because the ED is all one entity... if you hang onto the "good parts," the bad parts will remain. Also, if you are determined to relapse at university, then you will. But I'd challenge you to think about if you really want to do that and why? You deserve to feel peace.

Take care!

Jessie said...

I know I really struggle with trying to sort out what I'm "allowed" to do and what things will allow ED to come back in. And I think it's hard to figure out.

And I think recognizing that some of these things might be ED related is a really good first step.

I think your gap year plans sound fabulous! Especially all the reading-I had the same thoughts about being an English major.

I'm really glad I found your blog.

Sairs said...

hey hun, I know what you mean about not knowing what you can and can't do. I am struggling with that right now too but I guess that's why I am seeing my new dietitian today. I just don't want this anymore, any of it. I would love to walk past the shelves in the grocery store and not have to spend ten minutes deciding which item to by just because I'm stuck reading the nutrition labels. Or taking ages to order at a coffee shop because I'm weighing up what to order. It gets so frustrating and not for me but for people that are with me at the time. I guess only you can decide what is best for you and I won't make any judgements, I guess I would love to not have this but in saying that, not having it also scares me :-/

Nikki said...

I wish it was possible to pick out some parts of ED and toss others, but that is just not possible, it's cruel but it's all or nothing, and that nothing is hard to achieve once you've had all.. I know how you feel girl.

But your travel-plans sounds lovely<3 I would love just to take off and travel for a month! Europe and Japan just wait and see!

Alice in Wonderland said...

Thank you for commenting on my site.
I too, have an eating disorder...I just have a phobia of anything in my mouth, so I only eat because I have to, not because I want to.
But, I'm slowly getting better and don't feel the need to purge anymore.

WOW! You will love travelling! I spent a big part of my life travelling, and I loved every minute of it!
I'm your newest follower!
I was looking for people connected to "Alice in Wonderland" blogs and also people from England.
Hope to hear from you again!

Z. said...

OMG... Venice? Paris? Soooo jealous. I'm here in good ole America, never having gone anywhere interesting... ahh. Have an amaaaazing time!

lisalisa said...

I get tempted to "flirt" with ED behaviors alot. It's usually when I am having a bad body image day (like every day), of when life is stressing me out.

I can relate to waking up and thinking "that is just it! I am not eating today!". And then eating and feelinf like Ive blown it. I know some dietitans frown on "food ruts", but I like to eat the same thing every day for breakfast and lunch. I think it is helpful because I know automatically what I am going to eat and dont stop to consider not eating or bingeing.