Friday, 19 March 2010

The story of a binge/purge session.

WARNING: THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING...PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED.

It starts with one trip to the fridge. Harmless. Generally I'm not even that hungry, just stressed. Just a yoghurt. Sit down. Want more. Just a chocolate bar, no harm in that...and maybe a peanut butter and jam sandwich...and another. What about a slice of cake with double cream. Fuck it, I'm going to purge this. So I might as well eat another piece before I purge. One more chocolate bar. And upstairs to the toilet, "I'm having a shower" I shout down the stairs. I lock the door, turn the shower on, adrenaline pumping, guzzle down a glass of water, to the toilet, fingers down my throat, more water, more sick. Carry on until I feel dizzy and a bit high. Content. But still guilty. Wash face and hands. Finished.

F*ck this.

10 comments:

Jem said...

oh dear. binges scare me. your mind just takes over :(

Z. said...

Mmh, I know exactly how you feel. I've never understood why purging makes me feel so guilty (I stopped a long time ago and I don't do it now because I'm a singer... although that sucks because if I binge I have no defense mechanism...). Its weird. Like, should starving or taking laxies have the same guilt? I dunno.

Lola said...

It's okay hun, I've done the same thing many times. You'll get through. Don't worry, stay strong!

I hope you are doing well!! =]

With love,

Lols

sunshine said...

Been there, it's horrible...the high is weird, the mind acting totally with outwith personable control.

You're gonna get past this though, one step at a time.

I just noticed you got fish :) Love emm! And the pink blog background is cute too.

Thanks for your always lovely comments.

Take care, *hugs* xo

mariposai said...

You have no idea how much this post resounds with me - in fact it was the binging and purging that made me seek help in the end. Had I just continued to restrict and nothing else, I probably would have starved to death.

But it is possible to come out the other side, although it takes time and practise. It's been nearly two months since my last binge-purge episode, and I rarely ever have the urge any more. Being at a healthy weight and eating a balanced sufficient diet for a long period of time probably has alot to do with it though!

Hang in there lovely :-)

Sarah x

i love bows:) said...

hey lovely are you ok?give me an email if you want to talk:)

you just described me.the whole, fuck it, im going to purge anyway attitude.

you know what im going to say-food diary, and write down how you felt-what emotion this was part of-ad what may have triggered/caused it.it sucks beyond all belief, i know babe, but stick with it:)im thinking of you

im going to sed you a nice distracting clothes/how to make email later, gonna dig some patterns out for you:)

love vic xxxxx

Sairs said...

hey hun, sorry this happened! I actually am not a binge/purger so I can't entirely understand it but I can imagine how awful it would be. I am thinking of you and hope you're okay!
*hugs*
Sarah

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

Hang in there. There are bad days and good days. You're not alone.

Eating Alone said...

I know about the binge day's. I never purged that way but I know the desire to do what I did is still there.

You need to tell people, people that you know in real life that you are doing this. There are so many health risks. Please find one person to tell. Or call a help line.

You have so many things that you want to do. I want you to do them all!

TheLittleFlower said...

I don't often purge. But I've been through that guilt feeling. It quite horrible if you ask me.

Hang in there!