Wednesday, 10 March 2010


Had a rough few days. My mind has been very cluttered.

I'm feeling very alone, isolated, deserted. I feel like I had people telling me I could recover- go down a dark path- and they would light up my path. So I take a leap of faith, start walking down this dark path. and BAM they decide I don't need any help, switch the lights off and walk away. My only mentor has been completely ignoring me since I emailed her about wanting to recover. I don't know which way is up and which way is down. I'm so confused. I can't have a good day unless I take my (stolen) benzodiazepines.

But I'm getting a little better eating wise. I talked to my mum again, and she is being fabulous, very very helpful. I obviously haven't told her that I am recovering from an ED, just that I keep eating a lot, and feel like I'm putting on weight, and that I'm uncomfortable in my body shape. She said she would help me :)

I was able to stick to my meal plan, which was good because ED had been in my brain ALOT telling me to skip foods...reminding me of all the good things about being thin. The voice won me over for a while, and I missed lunch, but by dinner I managed to knock some logic into my head and eat dinner.

On other news I get exam results tomorrow!!! I'm kinda excited...I know I can't change the results, so know I just want to know!!

Also I have shoes on the brain! I LOVE HEELS!

I love you all very, very, very much for the comments, the support means so much, and helps me keep going with this whole recovery jazz!



mariposai said...

I'm sure your mentor is not ignoring you - they might not have picked up your messages. Even so, your mum sounds helpful, and you're doing well :-) There are lots of positives in this post.

You'll never be alone in your recovery, since there'll always be people here in blogland to support you through it ;)

Sarah x

mariposai said...

ooh almost forgot - good luck for your results too! x

Sairs said...

Good luck with the results! Sorry my picture of 'fear' scared you! It scared me too but I was feeling so like that it seemed to really represent fear. I hope you don't get that dream anymore, I would hate to dream that! I'm glad you're really doing good with recovery. Take special care of you!

Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

Aw, hun, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. It certainly won't be easy, but you know that. You know that you're taking a step toward a healthier, (and ultimately happier) future, and that knowledge can often be scary, especially when you're so used to what ED tells you. You can do this, though. You can. You have support here and, though it's from afar, you had better believe it's real.
Keep that lovely chin up. :*

Pip said...

OH, no one here will ignore you!
I am so so so so so very proud of you!
Knock out eh evil starvation voice, it will lea to binges ect...
not fun.

i love bows:) said...

you are fabulous missy:)and dont you forget it!good luck with your results!

like sarah says, maybe your mentor is a bit tied up a the mo, dont give up, and im so glad that you were able to talk to your mum again:)

dont feel alone-we are all here to talk to you and help you through.
hahaha i always have shoes on my brain, a girl at st georges yesterday had the ost amazing pair of heels-MASSIVE bowon them, i couldnt stop looking at them, like some kind of shoe whore!
thankyou for my lovely comments sweetie:)
im going o email you later with some self helf stuff that helped me, and some inks and stuff.
but you arnt on your own chicky!

loves vics

Calla said...

i hope you're doing better today. you seem to have tons of support here, and i'm sending you loads of happy vibes and good thoughts. :) you're an absolutely wonderful girl and you deserve anything you want. recovery especially.

and also shoes.