Sunday, 28 March 2010

The food post I've been putting off.

I don't really know what to put, so I might as well just write honestly how I feel.

I can't even remember what I've been eating. All I've wanted to do is purge it. I've purged a lot this week. I've eaten a lot this week. I've worked out a lot this week. I've cried a lot this week.

My meal plan is stressing me out big time. I just can't keep to it, thinking about it honestly makes me want to cry. All of my friends are on diets and are noticeably loosing weight. I burst into tears in the middle of the common room on Friday, I just couldn't keep it in. I'm so jealous of these girls that can diet without it going crazy.

I've started counting calories again. I just can't give it up.

My mind feels 2 things: numb or depressed. I seem to swap between the two. Will it always be like this?

I'm sorry Ed, please take me back. I'm sorry I've got so fat. I'm sorry I've let myself go.

I tutor a little girl, and her Grandma always used to sit in on the lessons, and we chatted a lot, she was a lovely, incredibly inspiring woman. She was the one that got me the job. She died on Friday morning. Cancer. My heart twists when I think of the fact she's gone. She won't ever sit in those lessons again. My heart twists. What if my uncle dies of cancer? He is having chemo and I'm scared. I can't loose another relative to this.

Sorry for the morbid post. I'm not in a good place right now.

Love Battle


ps. You are all too brilliant for words.


i love bows:) said...

sweetie, im so so sorry, thats incredibly sad, about your friend.
you know the things you just said to me-read them back, because well, baby 'right back atcha' and more.

its ok to be scared and its ok to cry, and its ok to not be alright gorgeous girl.think back to that letter you wrote, about how life would be with Ed and reread your pro/con list. I remeber you happily telling me how the pro's won by miles.

im here if you want to talk to anyone.if you search on facebook, add me if you like, and we can chat anytime if you want.

im thinking of you lovely fabulous you

lots of love and kisses
vics xxxxxx

mariposai said...

Sorry to hear about your uncle, and this lady whose granddaughter you teach. No wonder you are finding the eating side hard too. Times of stress tend to bring back old coping mechanisms, because the new ones aren't well practised enough to replace them yet.

Try and stick with the meal plan, talk to someone if possible, and ignore those girls who diet. It's hard being in recovery because we are surrounded by the disordered eating of others, but console yourself with the fact that you are learning to properly nourish your body.


Sarah x

Jennifer said...

Sweetheart, you are beautiful to comment on my blog when you are going through such a difficult time - you are amazing and i am truly grateful.

Thinking of you and sending love and prayers and care,
Jennifer xx said...

Hi, I'm new to your blog. Hope it's okay that I'm reading and commenting.

It is really hard to be surrounded by a dieting culture. It's hard for us to stay not-dieting when we see so many people dieting and talking about dieting around us. Just remember, these girls won't diet forever. Dieting is actually usually the cause of weight gain eventually. Dieting doesn't work long term. These girls who are dieting are either going through a short term phase or setting them self up for a life time of body disatisfaction. Stay strong and true to healthy eating (read: try your best to follow your meal plan) and, in the end, all these dieting girls will wish they had the natural relationship with food that you do.

Following the meal plan is very hard. Can you recruit support from friends?

Good luck today. Take care of yourself.

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

i've been reading your blog and this post really hit me. i've also fallen back into not eating and purging. it's killing me because i am so terrified. i hope you get better, i sincerely do! this is hell.