I don't really know what to put, so I might as well just write honestly how I feel.
I can't even remember what I've been eating. All I've wanted to do is purge it. I've purged a lot this week. I've eaten a lot this week. I've worked out a lot this week. I've cried a lot this week.
My meal plan is stressing me out big time. I just can't keep to it, thinking about it honestly makes me want to cry. All of my friends are on diets and are noticeably loosing weight. I burst into tears in the middle of the common room on Friday, I just couldn't keep it in. I'm so jealous of these girls that can diet without it going crazy.
I've started counting calories again. I just can't give it up.
My mind feels 2 things: numb or depressed. I seem to swap between the two. Will it always be like this?
I'm sorry Ed, please take me back. I'm sorry I've got so fat. I'm sorry I've let myself go.
I tutor a little girl, and her Grandma always used to sit in on the lessons, and we chatted a lot, she was a lovely, incredibly inspiring woman. She was the one that got me the job. She died on Friday morning. Cancer. My heart twists when I think of the fact she's gone. She won't ever sit in those lessons again. My heart twists. What if my uncle dies of cancer? He is having chemo and I'm scared. I can't loose another relative to this.
Sorry for the morbid post. I'm not in a good place right now.
ps. You are all too brilliant for words.