First off, a HUGE thankyou to Ilovebows, the email was so so helpful. Basically Bows emailed me some great activities that I might like to try, to help me get a better perspective of recovery. I'm going to post some of them. The first was to write a letter to a friend(not posted) as if it was 5 years time and I still have an eating disorder. Here goes:
Well I am thinner. But so, so miserable. My life revolves around the scales. Everyday I weigh myself again and again. Punishing myself if I don't reach my goals. Punishment if I do reach my goals. Excersising constantly. My mind obsessed with food.
I have no time for my family. They come second to weight loss. They are clearly worried about me. They don't know what to do. I feel sorry for them, but I need to keep my mind on the goal.
I can't sleep anymore. My nights are nightmares. So awake in the night, so tired in the day.
I have no friends left, I had to push them away, they were getting too suspicious. I have no energy or time for friends. It's just me and ED.
I'm always ill, sick or run down. I have a constant cold, and my teeth are turning an odd yellow colour. I find it difficult to walk, let alone concentrate on work. I had to stop my universiy degree, I can't be a good nurse when I'm too dizzy and distracted to concentrate on the patients needs. Now I'm back living with my parents, all my time spent exercising or in my room alone.
This isn't living. This is merely surviving.
Are bones worth it? Is a double digit weight worth it? Hell no.
Love you in 5 years time if you don't recover.
Writing this scared me, but in a good way, put things in perspective. Made me realise for the first time, that being thin isn't actually worth it. This feels like such a massive break through for me!
Anyway I am about to go read 'getting better bit(e) by bit(e). Thanks again IloveBows for all the amazing recommendations.
And of course, thank you all for the continued support. It makes me feel hopeful.