Friday, 12 March 2010

The start of an (exciting?) journey.

First off, a HUGE thankyou to Ilovebows, the email was so so helpful. Basically Bows emailed me some great activities that I might like to try, to help me get a better perspective of recovery. I'm going to post some of them. The first was to write a letter to a friend(not posted) as if it was 5 years time and I still have an eating disorder. Here goes:

Dear reader.
Well I am thinner. But so, so miserable. My life revolves around the scales. Everyday I weigh myself again and again. Punishing myself if I don't reach my goals. Punishment if I do reach my goals. Excersising constantly. My mind obsessed with food.
I have no time for my family. They come second to weight loss. They are clearly worried about me. They don't know what to do. I feel sorry for them, but I need to keep my mind on the goal.
I can't sleep anymore. My nights are nightmares. So awake in the night, so tired in the day.
I have no friends left, I had to push them away, they were getting too suspicious. I have no energy or time for friends. It's just me and ED.
I'm always ill, sick or run down. I have a constant cold, and my teeth are turning an odd yellow colour. I find it difficult to walk, let alone concentrate on work. I had to stop my universiy degree, I can't be a good nurse when I'm too dizzy and distracted to concentrate on the patients needs. Now I'm back living with my parents, all my time spent exercising or in my room alone.
This isn't living. This is merely surviving.
Are bones worth it? Is a double digit weight worth it? Hell no.

Love you in 5 years time if you don't recover.

Writing this scared me, but in a good way, put things in perspective. Made me realise for the first time, that being thin isn't actually worth it. This feels like such a massive break through for me!

Anyway I am about to go read 'getting better bit(e) by bit(e). Thanks again IloveBows for all the amazing recommendations.

And of course, thank you all for the continued support. It makes me feel hopeful.

Love Battle.


mariposai said...

Vic is pretty awesome ;) I think your letter is very poignant, and it illustrates a life that none of us should ever have to live. I am very confident that the person in this letter will not be who you are in years to come. There is no life with ED. It has nothing to offer anyone except pain, suffering and death.

Recovery is way better! ;)

Sarah x

i love bows:) said...

you go girl!im dead proud of you for giving those things a shot-its a big step realising how much you want recovery-and doing those things really made me realise how much i want to change.Its a gradual thing, but be proud of each step!your not going to be the girl in the letter-because you wrote how you dont want to be!

your super sweet, its totally now worries and your welcome.SOmeone sent me a similar email last year when i was strugling to find motivation and it helped big style!

one day you'l help someone too ;)
well, you already do!i was dead chuffed with the reply you sent me.

take care chicky!
love and a plentiful supply of bows:)

vics xxxx

sunshine said...

Go you hunnie! Scary but poised and elegant letter and very brave of you...I've wrote one a couple of years ago telling myself to recover if I hadn't by now...hmm. Proud of you and I'm sure you won't be the girl in the'll be the girl out loving life :) Take care, keep with Recovery *hugs* xoxo

TheLittleFlower said...

I like your positive attitude :)


Sairs said...

I like your letter too and I have had a lot of those things happen. When my ED started nearly 5 years ago, I had lots of friends, now I hardly have any at all. I think it's a good exercise to write it out and know that that is NOT what you want! Good for you!

Pip said...

Wow, that was so amazing, and TRUE!
You are such a healthy inspiration Battle,
I also, came to the conclusion, whilst drunk with my friends
that you cannot be happy, and have anorexia.
You cannot be happy.
I want to be happy.