Sunday, 14 March 2010


BLAH. That's the only way to describe how I feel. Because I have no idea how I feel. I can't trust my emotions because they change so minute I'm having the time of my life, the next I feel like punching a wall....the next I'm huddled in a ball crying. EMOTIONS CAN YOU PLEASE.STAY.STILL. It's driving me nutty.

The food issue is so so so so so confusing. I don't know how to eat. I don't know what to eat. So I eat everything.I know I shouldn't eat 5 chocolate bars in a row...but I can't control myself. How pathetic is that!!!! How do I stop? MODERATION, if anyone has any for sale, please let me know. Thankyou!

Recovery is tough shit. It's not what I expected. I thought I would struggle to eat, but I'm getting the exact opposite, and I know it's because my body is learning to trust me again, but it doesn't feel like that, for the past 3 weeks I have just eaten.

My mentor still hasn't talked to me. I'm confused, but getting over it. Maybe I'm meant to go this alone. If I didn't have this blog and all your support I don't think I would still be going, and for that I am eternally grateful, you guys are saving me.

Massive love, and sorry more another incoherent ramble.

Your pal, Battle xx


sunshine said...

*hugs* one of the best things my T told me was that emotions don't define us...just cause they don't make sense and are out of control at times doesn't you, as a lovely person, are.

Ooh, I'll have some moderation too if anyone's got any to share...I dob't know what I need it for but doubtless it will come in handy ;) Try and keep reminding yourself that things will settle down, you will gain normal control back and hunger not emotions will set how you eat. I've heard it takes time, allow yourself that.

I hope your mentor gets in touch with you soon. Take care, don't give up this tough fight xoxo

Andy said...

Ah. Emotions.
What a hell.
A beautiful hell.
So hard to deal with.
But so beautiful once you learn how.
Its okay.
All I do is eat sometimes.
I dont have hunger signals.
So I have no idea when to stop eating.
And then I freak out and stop completely.
Its okay though dear.
You will win.
I know it.
You can beat this.
Have faith in yourself.

Love, Andy

Lou Lou said...

hey i hope your mentor will get in touch hon, where did you find one? thats great! recovery is a really amazing decision to make, it is full of ups and downs, but blogging has helped me so much too!!! have you got a nutritionist maybe? i have one who is specialised in EDs and recovery, and she has set me a mealplan to follow, it has been a good guideline as I realised i havent known how to eat "normally" for the last 5 years and I am petrified of foods that shouldnt be scary... through the last few months I'm happy to say being on a meal plan has opened up my eyes and I feel safe eating foods i never thought would be possible.
i still have miles and miles to go.
I have a really great book which has helped my it was suggested by my therapist, it also comes with a kind of a plan, im not sure if you would like the name of it though? but let me know id be happy to find it and tell ya.
recovery is the right side of this battle to be on, you are not alone, the times i have struggled the most i have recieved so much support, its beautiful man. I am sending you light and serenity!!!!!!!
kia kaha

i love bows:) said...

everything lou lou said!
thankyou for you lovely beyond thoughtful and more than lovely comment on my last made perfect sense and even made me cry a little it was so sweet.
i LOVE hatty p by the way!team potter!!

im gonna send you another email with some things that might help you

hang in there

lots of love

vics xxxxx

Sairs said...

Hey gorgeous, I know it sucks, I had one of these days today too! I hate days like this! I ate and ate and my poor old belly is really really sore. Sometimes I want to just fall into a big heap, with a huge bit blanket and grab Ziggy and just lay there and watch cartoons. What a great day that would be, unfortunately I have to work, though Ziggy would sure love to watch cartoons! Sorry you're feeling yucky!

mariposai said...

Recovery is a tricky business, full of ups and downs, but I think you have a fantastic attitude towards it, and this will help you get through the tough parts.

You are right, your body is learning to trust you again, and this will take time, but it will happen.

Sarah x

Anonymous said...

maybe you could try to look at it as whatever you do eat, whether you think you control it or not, you ARE in control of. if one chocolate bar will lead to 5, just keep one in the house.
another way, maybe moderation was 5 chocolates... you did eat them, even though you express you feel bad about it, after 5 you stopped maybe it was what your body wanted? "normal people" have days where they have brownies or cake for breakfast so i mean a couple chocolates aint nothin!