Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Feeling on edge.

I havn't binged yet today..I also told my mum I am feeling fat, and she said she would help me stop snacking and says that I should allow myself one treat food in the evening. I'm feelings on just before getting really angry and anxious.

Last night I decided I couldn't deal with recovery, luckily I woke up in the morning and forced my mind to think rationally. This is what ED says, "Look at that fat stomach, what are you doing giving up? You always give up, wouldn't you love to be thin? You'll be happy." So I have to force my ration thinking, "I was miserable when I am in the midst of an ED, I will not be any happier if I am thin, it is better for me to be healthy. I need to do this for myself and my family."

I am trying so so hard not to binge. Today I had:

Breakfast: wheetabix with dried apricots.
Morning snack: 2 satsumas.
Lunch: a lettuce and tomato sandwhich with grapes.
Afternoon snack: a chocolate freddo.
Diner: Jacket potato with beans and cheese. Yoghurt for pudding.
Evening snack: chocolate bar.

I am feeling miserable and irritable. All I want to do is eat lots (I'm so embarrassed).

Also all of today I have been obsessed with my stomach. I look at it/think about it/worry about it all day. It just looks so big. I can't wear my favourite clothes because my stomach looks so fat.

Sorry for another venting post. Really not feeling up to being bright and cheery.



mariposai said...

I happen to think you are doing fantastically. Recovery can be a long hard slog at the best of times, and it takes a lot of concentration, practise and patience, but eventually as the ED subsides you will be able to fill your life with happier things and happier thoughts.

Stick with it..and your mum sounds like a wise lady :-)

Sarah x

sunshine said...

Hi hun, your mum sounds pretty helpful...I'm glad she is being positive for you atm.

I agree with Sarah, I think you are doing fab personally...I don't think I could have stuck it this long so thumbs up to you! Being rational is so hard with this stupid illness, it seems so simple to everyone else - eat when you are hungry - but for us food is so caught up with emotion (or lack of) that's near impossible at times.

Your meal plan is really good too :) Ooh, I remembered what my old dietian from hospital use to add to mine...soup at lunch. So soup, sandwich and grapes. I know it seems a lot but apparently that's the "to do" thing.

I know the stomach obession too well :( I dunno when it gets better but it must, keep going. *lots of hugs*

Thanks for the comments, xxx

Blue Butterfly said...

I feel miserable and irritable too. ):

I can never (and would never) tell my mum about anything to do with my weight because she would be on my back all the time. Most times it's harmless nagging, but she can get so vicious at times, especially when I choose to pass up eating healthy meals in favour of chocolate/chips.

I've been experiencing the same urge to binge. So what I've been doing is dragging out the hours between each feeding time. Every hour I postpone eating is a small victory, and usually by that time, I've convinced myself that I don't want food X because a yoghurt/veggie stir-fry/not eating would be better.

Hope that helps!


Sairs said...

It's such a rocky journey isn't it. Sometimes I get so sick of all the trying and never really feel like I get anywhere. You will have good, okay and bad days and that's okay. Keep going and hopefully the good days will start to outweigh the bad.

i love bows:) said...

hey chicks:)
im with you on the miserable-and iritable-ness, i think Ed comes with a hefty side of this.
your doing sooo much better than you think you are-because you are trying with your mealplan-and thats a hard thing to do, but also yo are able to keep telling yourself that you want toget better, and thats a brilliant thing.
Dont let Ed get stronger and tell you otherwise.
im glad your able to talk things through with your mum, thats great.
the trouble woth any Ed, is that it is, essemtially an irrational it will always play on youa little more when you are feeling unsure.
keep going girlie, your fab!
well, my site was an ebay shop, and its closed down now.but i might email you some pics of things i made if you like:)
love vics xxx