Rebecca Black: the state of society.

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Getting on with life...RECOVERY STYLE!

Who cares if I slipped? Some might say "Well that just SHOWS you're not recovered." I like to think of it like this...yes I relapsed, but I also dragged myself out before I got too deep. I knew perfectly well the relapse would end (that sounds odd but I KNEW it was going to be a short relapse). 

So what does normal life in recovery look like? At the moment it looks like this: working at an underwear shop (I LOVE helping people find what they want, and helping them find out what their size is), on my days of I enjoy  learning French via the internet, reading a kick ass book (at the moment it's 'Passion for Jesus' v inspiring), filling out forms for university (3 months to go!) going for a jog every now and then. Well you get the picture, at the moment my life is pretty damn leisurely. 

There is so much more to life than food. I mean look at my "50 things to do before I die" list (on the right) I want to do ALL of these! Do you realise how HARD it would be to do these things whilst hanging onto an eating disorder. THEY CONSUME YOUR LIFE. 

Regaining normality

These last few weeks have been full of the repercussions of restricting. Namely: bloating, bad body image, putting on the weight I 'lost' and binging. After restricting my calorie intake goes quite high due to binging, but lessens to a normal amount as the weeks go on. Yesterday was my first relatively normal intake day. Scale wise I haven't been weighing myself everyday (RESULT!!) but every two of three days. Yay! 

On other news I am seriously considering getting plastic surgery - a boob job. I have always wanted one. After uni, if I still want one I will set up a savings account for one. I don't want HUGE boobs, just a couple of sizes up. I think then I would be happier with having larger hips as I will look balanced out :) 

A while ago I wrote about modelling for a friends photography project. She sent me some of the photos today. I'm not sure I like them, but I don't mind them. Blogger is playing up so I can only put these two up.

Weighing myself in a controlled way.

This morning was the first day in 3 days that I weighed myself. I KNEW the number would be up. I stepped onto the scale and accepted the number. Yes, it's up. But the way I was restricting was taking off 'fake weight'...I mean if I can put on the weight again in like 3 days I obviously hadn't really lost it properly. That's okay with me. 


Yesterday me and my family were sitting around the table, my Mum looking in the freezer for ice cream for desert. She stormed in, "Whose eaten three of these choc ices?" My dad looked sheepish and raised his hand. Everyone started having a go at him. Let me explain the situation. My dad is quite overweight and is on a diet at the moment. He is eating a low number of calories. It's been like 6 weeks, he's lost 20lbs. It's not a healthy diet. On these diets my dad has binges. My family plain old don't understand the pull towards a binge. They think it's easy not to binge. I understand my dad. I understand how HARD it is to resist a binge. I felt so sorry for him. He's trying to loose weight, he doesn't need his family shouting at him to stop binging. 
Later that day I asked Mum why Dad hadn't got help for his eating problems (I believe he has a binge eating disorder) and my Mum seemed surprised...like she'd never considered he has a serious problem. I don't know what to do to help my dad. 


Thank you for the tremendous support you are showing me. I SO appreciate it.

Cutting out bad habits and adding good ones!

Last post I wrote about getting my mind back into a healthy place after this small relapse. What does this involve? In a few steps, this is what I am, and will be doing.


Step one: Up calorie intake. I have completed this step, by moving my calorie intake from around 800 to 1,200 - 2,000. 


Step two: Stop weighing myself so much. I am going from weighing myself around 6 times a day, to once every couple of days. From here I will move to once a week, then from there...who knows. I didn't weigh myself this morning, and I don't want to weigh myself tomorrow. 


Step three: Stop exercising obsessively. Tomorrow I am going to cancel my gym membership which I have had for like 17 months, so this is a BIG deal for me. Now that I am running back from work, and walking to work I don't feel the need to go to the gym. 




These are the physical changes I need to make. After these are done I can start addressing the reasons that triggered me, and looking deeper into why I still feel the need to monitor my weight so rigorously. 




Do you know what is AMAZING? How much easier running is when I have eaten properly. Like I managed to beat my fasted time running home from work by 6 minutes today. 




I was wondering if I could share my intake today and get your opinion? Is it enough? Too much? Am I missing any food groups?


Breakfast: 2 Scrambled eggs on 1 piece brown toast.


Lunch: 1 cheese and tomato sandwich, 1 kiwi, some cherry tomatoes, packet of crisps, dates, small chocolate bar. (written down that lunch seems so big :(


Dinner: Sausage casserole. 


Desert: choc ice bar. 


Thoughts?

Getting my mind into a healthy place.

I woke up this morning, and realised this last few days I have been thinking more and more about FULL recovery. I don't want to binge. I don't want to purge. I don't want to restrict. I want to be able to nourish my body with the nutrients it needs so I can run, work and have fun. Calorie counting makes me boring. Restricting for just a month makes me feel worthless and disgusting.

SO
I have decided to try and  eat healthily. Normally after a relapse I BINGE for around a week, but I am going to take this recovery one step at a time. Eating good foods that will fill me up and not trigger binges. So lots of fruit, veg, protein, etc. With the occasional treat thrown in.

For breakfast I have ready brek with a fat free yoghurt.

As much as it makes me want to cry I need to realise I'm never going to be really thin. This is my body, and my shape. I need to learn how to accept this. 

Constantly wanting to sleep.

So the clock hits 7:30pm. And what do I want to do? Sleep. I'm so tired these days. It hits me in the early evening. In the day time at work I just want to lie on the ground and close my eyes. Just thinking about a full day of work tomorrow makes me yawn.

Today I saw my mentor, and I just feel awful now. When I talk about my problems they get even harder to deal with because when I talk about my eating issues, I feel SO much guilt that I'm not thinner. I feel like such a failure that I can't loose enough weight. That I binge.

 I haven't felt this worthless in quite a while.

Raised anxiety levels.

My anxiety levels are high today, I think this is the aftermath of yesterday's binge. Let me tell you about what happened after the binge. I had to lie down and not move. I was in SO much pain. My stomach was bloated beyond belief and I was so full I felt physically drunk. I couldn't move for the rest of the evening. Today I really struggled not to continue the binge, but I didn't. Intake:

Breakfast: light yogurt (99C)
Lunch: cup of soup (60C)
Dinner: Heat up lasagne.
Snacks: satsuma.
Desert: 3 teacakes with strawberries.

I walked to work (one hours walk) and jogged back.

I didn't actually put on that much weight yesterday. 0.4lbs. But I have a feeling tomorrow my weight will be up more.

One interesting thing that came out of yesterday's binge. Mid binge I was feeling so distraught I texted my mentor, saying I was binging and purging again. We are meeting up tomorrow. I so badly want to get smaller. So freakin badly. I'm scared I'm going to fail.

The hit of the relapse.

One and a half hours of binge. Hideous, raw, disgusting binge. started with a chocolate bar. Then cookie, then left over quiche. Then another ohh 5 chocolate bars (maybe more. I didn't care to count). Toast with peanut butter. Yoghurt. Cheese. More chocolate. Packet of crisps. Final bit of chocolate. And here I am. Still going to eat dinner. In so much pain I just want to shut myself down. The guilt will start to hit me soon and will wash over me like waves for the next few days. I purged after the quiche but as you can see, the binge continued well after that. Just frantically looking for food I could stuff in my greedy mouth. Hello half a stone I've lost...I haven't missed you at all. God I hate myself right now. 

Twitter

If anyone has twitter please tell me your name on it and I will follow you, this is my twitter:

http://twitter.com/#!/elle_notts

xx

How the shoot went.

I had the best time at a photoshoot for a friend doing a graphics course. The theme was Spring makeup M.A.C style. My friend is incredible at make up so gave me two looks, one involving a lot of pink, the other an orange look (as seen in the picture) hair and make up took 2 hours, the shoot took one hour. She is going to send me the finished shots when she's done editing them.

Now I know my last post sounded confusing- it didn't show my mood very well. Basically I'm surprised that I'm in a good mood even though I'm in a relapse, normally I'm super depressed when my intake is low. For example today I have eaten a banana. And drunk coffee and that's it. But I feel fine! Happy! Jovial! Going to eat a fatty dinner with the family (fray bentos pie and chips *shudder*) I may end up purging when I go to the gym at 8. 

Now on to some amazing  news. I am taking a trip in July with a Christian organisation, and I have been freaking out about it recently because it is so out of my comfort zone. Well I got an email yesterday from the organisation giving me the email of the only other person from the UK coming on the trip (the other people with all be international) and guess what....she lives in my town....she's my age...AND we are doing nursing....the same branch...children's. Wow. Out of all the people that could have applied she did. I think this is a huge blessing from God as we can meet up and travel together and get to know each other before we go!

Happily floating on through.

Got to keep up the impression of happiness. Working well so far. Genuinly AM happy though so it's not very hard. My real challenge will come when I have coffee with my mentor (I tell her everything). I MUST NOT tell her about this relapse. If I tell someone I will fail and not loose any weight. 


I've been having a not so fun reminder of what binge/purge session are like. Only happened once. Yesterday was a major control day. I decided that there was no way I was going to loose control. And I didn't. 


If I loose 5 more lbs the REAL game starts. This is just the adverts to the real film. I've lost the 5lbs I've lost so far many times. If I loose 5 more then I start getting serious. 


On a brighter note I have a lovely week ahead, going shopping today, seeing friends throughout the week, only working on thursday, saturday and sunday which is a nice change from the 7-day weeks I've been working. 




Does anyone know how to avoid getting a stitch when running?

Total feeling of FAILURE.

I thought if I can loose weight maybe that means I can be a success. Maybe I can mean something. Maybe I can be good at something. But yet again I failed. I am, at heart, a failure. I binged. That will put me like 2lbs up tomorrow. So dissapointed in myself.

My bulimic eating disorder tricks me, says "You know what? You deserve recovery, eat fish and chips, 3 chocolate eggs, ryvita with loads of cheese, a fatty yogurt, some ice cream. You won't feel guilty because it's okay." Then 5 minutes after the binge. The guilt. The overwhelming feeling that starts in your gut and moves to your head and takes over your body. You want to hit your head so hard against a wall. You're loosing a fight against yourself. The thoughts "How did you ever think it was okay to eat all that? Hm? How STUPID are you? You put your food cravings before loosing your huge thighs. You've failed BIG TIME and now you must feel the guilt."

I tried to purge but my gagging was too loud and I got scared someone would care. God I'm pathetic.

No need to worry dearies.

Last post I got some comments along the line of "Maybe you should look for help etc." But basically I am at a healthy weight. Not even a low healthy weight a medium healthy weight. There is no way I need help at the moment so don't worry my dears! I am still eating 3 meals. Today I had:

Breakfast: banana and coffee.
Lunch: packet of crisps, yogurt, coffee.
Dinner: 2 slices of pizza. Coffee (got the running theme yet? haha.)
Plus this evening I am allowing myself an 80cal snack. Not sure what it will be yet. I ran home from work but struggled because my legs felt so flippin weak.

You know the new girl I posted about yesterday? The skinny one? Today she commented I had a tiny waist, so I was like "urmm girl have you seen yourself? You're tiny!" She told me she had lost a lot of weight. "How?" I asked stupidly.
"I don't know...it just came off. I smoke a lot of weed which speeds up your metabolism. Plus I don't really like eating much."

My competitve side is well and truely out. I'm even setting competition against myself like "DON'T TELL YOUR MENTOR THE TRUTH. SEE HOW LONG YOU CAN GO WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE HOW YOU REALLY FEAL." It's quite hard as I pretty much tell my mentor everything.

I was up 0.2lbs this morning so I felt well and truely down. God if I've gone up tomorrow I don't know what I'll do. Cry probably haha.

YOU ARE LOOSING THE GAME.

I have had a VERY strange day at work. A few things sparked my eating disorderd mind.

1. New Girl at work. I am used to being the thinner one at work . Today my 'title' was taken. New girl enters. My heart stops. She is tiny. Same height as me. Exact same coloured hair. Hell....her name is even similar to mine (Ellie and Ellen.) She is a prettier, thinner version of me. Her collar bones stuck out more. Her hip bones were more visible through the work dress (funnily enough we had brought the same one) She had WAY thinner legs. The competitive/jelous side arose. You're fatter than her. She's way prettier. You are FAT. Get like her. UGLY FAT SLUGGISH. You couldn't even be bothered to walk to work. Took the bus. You have to walk back from work. I bet you binge tonight. You are a FAILURE. You will NEVER be thin enough. You always BACK OUT. YOU ALWAYS BINGE YOU ALWAYS BINGE AND GIVE UP AND THIS SHOWS YOU WILL NEVER BE A SUCCESS. 
All this brought about by the new girl.

2. An old friend popped into the shop. "Ellie you've lost weight". You've.Lost.Weight. Those three little words that spark something deep inside me. She thinks you were fat before. Got to keep loosing. Can't let people down. YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED. YOU WILL NEVER LOOSE ENOUGH WEIGHT. WHERE IS YOUR SELF CONTROL? 


3. My supervisor asked me straight out today, "Do you have an eating disorder?" In front of everyone. Of course I denied it and laughed. "Well you have some weird eating habits (to the other girls) once for lunch she had olives and a carton of blueberries."   ps. This is the kind of food I like. That was a normalish lunch for that time and I still think of it as pretty normal. One part of me was proud someone thought I had an ED. The other made me feel terrible. HIDE IT BETTER YOU ARE LOOSING THE GAME. HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS. HIDE HOW YOU FEEL. DON'T BREAK. DON'T CRACK. SMILE FOR GOD'S SAKE.


That was my day.

Asked to model.

In the last month two of my friends have asked me to model for them, for photography portfolios. I did this for a few friends a while ago, but I feel so apprehensive to the idea of having people take pictures of me....look at photos of me....judge me. The idea of posing and them seeing me and thinking 'I shouldn't of asked her, she's got bigger' makes me feel sick.

I know I couldn't deal with any more modelling after having a self portrait done in Paris. People walked past and looked at it and me and I felt so awful, like I knew they were saying stuff and I was so anxious.

Right now I feel so, so big. I lost 2lbs in Paris, so overall I've lost 4lbs in 9 days. Need to loose more. So badly.
I had too much for dinner. 1 and a half jacket potatoes with beans and cheese, a big yogurt and some sweets. Feel disgusting.

Want to CUT the fat off my thighs.

Back from Paris, why are the French so thin?

Paris was beautiful. Utterly and completely perfect. The UK seems VERY dull in comparison. Me and my Mum only went for a couple of days but we managed to fit in a hell of a lot without getting tired (that's French coffee for you!) In one day we: went up the eiffel tower, went to the louvre, walked to sacre coure, saw the Moulin Rouge, got a self portrait done in mon martre, shopped, saw the place 'The phantom of the Opera' is filmed, waled from the arc de triumph to the tuilleries. Basically we did a hell of a lot in one day. We walked for a good 10 hours around the stunning streets of Paris, in total awe of the architecture.

When we did sit down we people watched (one of our favourite hobbies) and we came to two conclusions. 1. The French have impecible style. 2. The French are ALL slim. Parisian style is what I aspire to, the simplicity and elegance that they pull of with such ease. (F.Y.I. need to get a trench coat.)

But why are they so thin? Me and mum had a few theories. It seems the French like to take hours eating one meal, they make it into such a social occasion that they eat at a snails pace. We also thought the coutry has an attitude that it simply isn't acceptable to be larger, which is more acceptable here in England. Any thoughts? Why do you think they, as a nation have the lowest obesity rate in Europe?