Am I allowed

Am I allowed to go to the gym? If so how often? Am I allowed to read books like 'Wasted'? Am I allowed to count calories? Am I allowed to purge every know an then? Can I hold on to some parts of an eating disorder and let others go. My mum found my calorie counter, she freaked out at first, but now she doesn't mind me using it, she understands I'm 'watching my figure' as she put it. Personally I think she thinks I'm a bit tubby, but maybe that's me being harsh

I find the hardest parts of the day just after eating and when I wake up. When I wake up I just reallllly want to fast. After eating I want eat everything in the house or purge.

I'm a little worried about the fact that...no matter how well I am doing I still have a feeling that the minute I get to university my ED will come back full force. And to be honest I am kind of looking forward to it. Food will be completely in my control. Oooh dear.

On a completely different note I am doing a gap year and am starting to plan it now, here are my rough plans so far:
1. I am definitely gong to Majorca for two weeks, Venice for one week and Cornwall for one week (this is all booked)
2. I want to get a full time job in a clothes shop (I want discounts!)
3. I am considering going to Camp America and being a camp counsellor.
4. Evening classes to improve my French, and maybe take a long weekend in Paris avec ma mere.
5. read A LOT of books (this is the one I think I'm most excited about, doing English literature has taken away any freedom of my book choice).


Sorry for the dull post. I just enjoy putting thoughts into writing so much!

Bonjour my friends.

I'm a sucker for a good 'ol promotion. Today I went shopping (this seems to be a regular line in my blog!) and I got offered a deal I just couldn't say no to! For £50 I've got: a haircut, make up/skin consultation, make over, skin cleanse, free drinks for the make over day,a photoshoot, and an A4 picture of my fave photo. I'm so excited! I'm booking it for the 10th and I honestly can't wait!!
Included in the £50 I also get a rather awesome night club offer thingy. I get to take 4 friends to a club of my choice, we get to jump the cue, are on the guestlist and get in free! Wooooo! PARTYYYYY! Or not. I don't know why but this is stressing me out a bit. The best clubs they offer to let you use the voucher for are in London, which requires me getting a train and finding a hotel. Plus I'm not 18 until August so I have to save it till then. I really don't know why this is stressing me so bad.
I ALSO get to take 7 friends to a paint balling session which would normally cost £25 per person. so excited.


Sorry for that mini show off- it couldn't be helped!

Now for an update from the rather depressing last post. Feeling better today, although I'm still struggling with food (shocker) I'm trying to stay positive.

The photo is of a place called Yosemite in California. I went there about 4 years ago and I just love it there. It's really magical, if I could choose one place to be it would be there. Not sitting in bet at 12:30 at night in dark cold England.


Au revoir lovelies, stay positive :)
Oohh ps, if you follow my blog I really want to follow yours, but some of your profiles don't have a link to your blog, so if you comment on my blog then I will be able to see yours and follow you :D
xxx

The food post I've been putting off.

I don't really know what to put, so I might as well just write honestly how I feel.

I can't even remember what I've been eating. All I've wanted to do is purge it. I've purged a lot this week. I've eaten a lot this week. I've worked out a lot this week. I've cried a lot this week.

My meal plan is stressing me out big time. I just can't keep to it, thinking about it honestly makes me want to cry. All of my friends are on diets and are noticeably loosing weight. I burst into tears in the middle of the common room on Friday, I just couldn't keep it in. I'm so jealous of these girls that can diet without it going crazy.

I've started counting calories again. I just can't give it up.

My mind feels 2 things: numb or depressed. I seem to swap between the two. Will it always be like this?

I'm sorry Ed, please take me back. I'm sorry I've got so fat. I'm sorry I've let myself go.

I tutor a little girl, and her Grandma always used to sit in on the lessons, and we chatted a lot, she was a lovely, incredibly inspiring woman. She was the one that got me the job. She died on Friday morning. Cancer. My heart twists when I think of the fact she's gone. She won't ever sit in those lessons again. My heart twists. What if my uncle dies of cancer? He is having chemo and I'm scared. I can't loose another relative to this.




Sorry for the morbid post. I'm not in a good place right now.

Love Battle

xxx

ps. You are all too brilliant for words.

10 things you don't know about me.

I remember doing a list of 10 things people didn't know about me on facebook, so I thought I would do a new one here:

1. I sometimes imagine my own funeral (cringe).
2. People that know me think my favourite films are Moulin Rouge and Legally Blonde and equally girlie films. My really favourite films are In Bruges and Crash.
3. I secretly think I am possibly doing the wrong course at university, and maybe I should be doing fashion marketing.
4. I REALLY want to move to America once I've finished my degree...yet I'm so scared to move 50 miles away for uni.
5. I cry at some very odd programmes...like Ugly Betty and Glee.
6. My mum thinks I'm a virgin. I wish I still was.
7. I HATE commitment. I really can't stand having a boyfriend, I just don't get the appeal of being with someone for a long time (hence why my longest relationship is 2 months).
8. I'm pretty sure I'm turning into my mum and I'm only 17.
9. My biggest fear is death, not my death, other people dying.
10. I wish I had the courage to tell my Dad how proud I am of him for overcoming all the things he's overcome.



So that's my ten. Number 10 is really important. My Dad is incredible and I shouldn't forget this. Here is his story (What I know of it)

My Dad was painfully shy as a child, he never spoke to anyone. His Mum always argued with his Dad, she wanted leave the family, and would tell my Dad how much she wanted to die.

Although they were a poor family, my dad and his brother got scholarships to Cambridge grammer school. My dad was a major geek. He never tried at school, got straight A's at A levels and GCSE's. He got into medical school.

At medical school he had his break down. He was diagnosed as bipolar and stayed in a psych ward for a year. Yet still he was able to get back on his university course a year after, keep fighting for the degree and got it.

He is now married, a GP, has 3 kids and a dog. He never hits, rarely shouts, and is incredibly thoughtful.


Well sorry for the dull post... I will do a food post in a few days.

End of a (not so cheery) era.

This weekend was my final cheerleading competition. I can't afford to carry on. It was nationals and we came 2nd out of 13(we were very very pleased, our flyer was sick 10 mins before we went on and had to swap people round). I'm going to miss it so, it's a place I felt so real, so happy there. But I've recently been considering if maybe cheerleading is a bit of a trigger. The other girls on my squad are so tiny, and I remember thinking "this is the first time my weight has ever stopped me from doing something(being a flyer)".

My mind is in a very odd place right now. Half way between recovery and relapse. I really don't know where I stand.

Anyway, I have to go get dinner ready. Au revoir.

THANK YOU for the looovvveelllyyy comments all, I appreciate them so much.

xxx

The story of a binge/purge session.

WARNING: THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING...PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED.

It starts with one trip to the fridge. Harmless. Generally I'm not even that hungry, just stressed. Just a yoghurt. Sit down. Want more. Just a chocolate bar, no harm in that...and maybe a peanut butter and jam sandwich...and another. What about a slice of cake with double cream. Fuck it, I'm going to purge this. So I might as well eat another piece before I purge. One more chocolate bar. And upstairs to the toilet, "I'm having a shower" I shout down the stairs. I lock the door, turn the shower on, adrenaline pumping, guzzle down a glass of water, to the toilet, fingers down my throat, more water, more sick. Carry on until I feel dizzy and a bit high. Content. But still guilty. Wash face and hands. Finished.

F*ck this.

Victoria's secret models.

How the hell do these girls look so perfect? I would adore to look like these girls. They seem so freakin flawless.

Okay. I need to admit a little secret that I haven't reallllly been writing about. Nothing major....but I find myself slipping, and being a little happy about it. Writing down my food for the day makes me so ashamed. I've been trying to cut down a little. I weighed myself a few days ago, and it was BAD. Like extremely bad. Huge. Also my jeans ripped today. So I'm throwing the way the UK size 10. This makes me so so sad.

Okay, okay, enough with the depressed paragraph. Thank you for the seriously lovely comments on the picture, tres generous.

So I thought I would write a list of things I want to do in the next year:
1. Learn more French!
2. Learn to drive.
3. Get the grades to go to university.
4. build up my running stamina.
5. Go to a belly dancing/salsa class.
6. Save money!!!!
7. Make more male friends (this sounds wierd, but I really want to build up my confidence with the male species).
8. Learn how to sell things on ebay.
9. Start cooking my own meals.
10. Start making my own clothes.


As you notice, I really want to notice I want to learn a lot, become more well rounded.

Sorry for this dull post...I clearly don't have much news.

Average me.

All I will ever be is average. Average grades. Average weight. Average fashion. Average job. I hate average, and it scares me that I will always be this average girl.

So last post showed how my emotions confuse me. I've started writing down how I physically feel (jumpy, butterflies in stomach) and connect it with how I feel emotionally (nervous, angry). I'm starting to try and piece together how I feel, and how that effects what I eat/don't eat.

Opinions please: nature or nurture? What has the greatest impact on starting an ED/mental illness? We had a debate about this in our psychology class, very very interesting! I can't make up my mind on which side I'm more on.. So on the nature side- an ED is in our genes, it's pre programmed into us. Nurture: Our environment/society/upbringing causes us to start the ED behaviour.

I just brought a jacket which I loooovveee, so I thought I would show it. And I need to get over being so ashamed of my body. So here is a picture. I'm the one on the right.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

BLAH. That's the only way to describe how I feel. Because I have no idea how I feel. I can't trust my emotions because they change so rapidly...one minute I'm having the time of my life, the next I feel like punching a wall....the next I'm huddled in a ball crying. EMOTIONS CAN YOU PLEASE.STAY.STILL. It's driving me nutty.

The food issue is so so so so so confusing. I don't know how to eat. I don't know what to eat. So I eat everything.I know I shouldn't eat 5 chocolate bars in a row...but I can't control myself. How pathetic is that!!!! How do I stop? MODERATION, if anyone has any for sale, please let me know. Thankyou!

Recovery is tough shit. It's not what I expected. I thought I would struggle to eat, but I'm getting the exact opposite, and I know it's because my body is learning to trust me again, but it doesn't feel like that, for the past 3 weeks I have just eaten.

My mentor still hasn't talked to me. I'm confused, but getting over it. Maybe I'm meant to go this alone. If I didn't have this blog and all your support I don't think I would still be going, and for that I am eternally grateful, you guys are saving me.

Massive love, and sorry more another incoherent ramble.

Your pal, Battle xx

The start of an (exciting?) journey.

First off, a HUGE thankyou to Ilovebows, the email was so so helpful. Basically Bows emailed me some great activities that I might like to try, to help me get a better perspective of recovery. I'm going to post some of them. The first was to write a letter to a friend(not posted) as if it was 5 years time and I still have an eating disorder. Here goes:

Dear reader.
Well I am thinner. But so, so miserable. My life revolves around the scales. Everyday I weigh myself again and again. Punishing myself if I don't reach my goals. Punishment if I do reach my goals. Excersising constantly. My mind obsessed with food.
I have no time for my family. They come second to weight loss. They are clearly worried about me. They don't know what to do. I feel sorry for them, but I need to keep my mind on the goal.
I can't sleep anymore. My nights are nightmares. So awake in the night, so tired in the day.
I have no friends left, I had to push them away, they were getting too suspicious. I have no energy or time for friends. It's just me and ED.
I'm always ill, sick or run down. I have a constant cold, and my teeth are turning an odd yellow colour. I find it difficult to walk, let alone concentrate on work. I had to stop my universiy degree, I can't be a good nurse when I'm too dizzy and distracted to concentrate on the patients needs. Now I'm back living with my parents, all my time spent exercising or in my room alone.
This isn't living. This is merely surviving.
Are bones worth it? Is a double digit weight worth it? Hell no.

Love you in 5 years time if you don't recover.



Writing this scared me, but in a good way, put things in perspective. Made me realise for the first time, that being thin isn't actually worth it. This feels like such a massive break through for me!

Anyway I am about to go read 'getting better bit(e) by bit(e). Thanks again IloveBows for all the amazing recommendations.

And of course, thank you all for the continued support. It makes me feel hopeful.

Love Battle.

curves.

Had a rough few days. My mind has been very cluttered.

I'm feeling very alone, isolated, deserted. I feel like I had people telling me I could recover- go down a dark path- and they would light up my path. So I take a leap of faith, start walking down this dark path. and BAM they decide I don't need any help, switch the lights off and walk away. My only mentor has been completely ignoring me since I emailed her about wanting to recover. I don't know which way is up and which way is down. I'm so confused. I can't have a good day unless I take my (stolen) benzodiazepines.

But I'm getting a little better eating wise. I talked to my mum again, and she is being fabulous, very very helpful. I obviously haven't told her that I am recovering from an ED, just that I keep eating a lot, and feel like I'm putting on weight, and that I'm uncomfortable in my body shape. She said she would help me :)

I was able to stick to my meal plan, which was good because ED had been in my brain ALOT telling me to skip foods...reminding me of all the good things about being thin. The voice won me over for a while, and I missed lunch, but by dinner I managed to knock some logic into my head and eat dinner.

On other news I get exam results tomorrow!!! I'm kinda excited...I know I can't change the results, so know I just want to know!!


Also I have shoes on the brain! I LOVE HEELS!

I love you all very, very, very much for the comments, the support means so much, and helps me keep going with this whole recovery jazz!

xxx

Alice in Wonderland-Tim Burton.

Well as we know, I am a fan of Alice. But the film, not so sure. Mia was amazing, johnny was brilliant and helena was hilarious. The graphics were great, but the story.....not so sure. Don't get me wrong it was good, but I LOVE the book, and I don't think they should have called the film 'Alice in Wonderland' because it wasn't! But I would recommend it anyway :)


Food wise, I'm having good days and bad days. At the moment, more bad days. I am trying to hard to make sensible decisions, but I keep failing and eating very unhealthily.

I went out with my friends for a meal and drinks. I left the house for the first time in about 4 months. And I felt...ok! Felt quite good :) But then this guy...I thought he was looking at me...he came over...and looked at me and said "No you're just not my type. No." I didn't even say anything to him first. I felt like that little bit of confidence got stabbed. I was so so upset. I really don't want to go out again.

Thankyou all for the comments
xxxx

Living for the moment

I have decided that if I am going to succeed with recovery I have to start living in the moment. I take each meal and snack one at a time and don't think/panic about the next.

So today was quite average, food wise I've done okish, I had:

Breakfast: Wheetabix and banana
Morning snack( I was hungry): half a red pepper, a satsuma and some grapes.
Lunch: cheese and tomato sandwich, yoghurt.
Afternoon snack (this is where I slipped up): 4 mini Freddo chocolates.
Dinner: rice and chilli. Yoghurt for pudding.


I'm sorry that I keep writing my food down, I know it's boring, but it helps :)

I've noticed recently that a lot of pro ana sites/blogs say things like 'stay strong'. I'm a little confused about this saying- does it mean stay strong and don't eat, or stay strong and don't give up? Can anyone clear this up?



I read this article of the times website and was wondering what others oppinion's are on it? Accurate or not? http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/caitlin_moran/article7025443.ece



How cool is this postsecret by the way? It made me giggle.

Feeling on edge.

I havn't binged yet today..I also told my mum I am feeling fat, and she said she would help me stop snacking and says that I should allow myself one treat food in the evening. I'm feelings on edge...like just before getting really angry and anxious.


Last night I decided I couldn't deal with recovery, luckily I woke up in the morning and forced my mind to think rationally. This is what ED says, "Look at that fat stomach, what are you doing giving up? You always give up, wouldn't you love to be thin? You'll be happy." So I have to force my ration thinking, "I was miserable when I am in the midst of an ED, I will not be any happier if I am thin, it is better for me to be healthy. I need to do this for myself and my family."

I am trying so so hard not to binge. Today I had:

Breakfast: wheetabix with dried apricots.
Morning snack: 2 satsumas.
Lunch: a lettuce and tomato sandwhich with grapes.
Afternoon snack: a chocolate freddo.
Diner: Jacket potato with beans and cheese. Yoghurt for pudding.
Evening snack: chocolate bar.

I am feeling miserable and irritable. All I want to do is eat lots (I'm so embarrassed).


Also all of today I have been obsessed with my stomach. I look at it/think about it/worry about it all day. It just looks so big. I can't wear my favourite clothes because my stomach looks so fat.

Sorry for another venting post. Really not feeling up to being bright and cheery.

xxx

Another day, another fail.

But it doesn't matter..because there are going to be bad days, there are going to be good days.

How the hell do I stop myself from binging?? (I don't purge, just binge)

Yesterday I got through breakfast and lunch ok, but got home for school and started eating.

Also my stomach is so so so bloated, does anyone know how to get rid of the bloat? It's really getting me down.

This is all a bit disjointed.

Oh yeh. I remeber something I was going to put. I have been sneakily taking my mum's old sleeping tablets temazipan, but I found out a few days ago they are addictive and used for insomniacs and to combat anxiety. I know I should stop taking them, but they numb me and I love that! I am taking them less though.

Meal plan:

Breakfast: Wheetabix with raisens.
morning snack: satsuma.
Lunch: sandwich with cheese and pickle. And a packet of crisps (gasp!)
Afternoon snack: raw carrot sticks
Dinner: Pork and red cabbage salad (I don't know if I am going to eat the pork, I am making a stand against my parents buying cheap, intensively reared meat.)

Love you all xxx