Saturday, 29 May 2010

Last day. Bar Crawl. A thought provoking letter.

Yesterday was the Last Day of school. Wow. Hasn't sunk in yet, but to be honest, I was much less sad than I thought I would be - maybe because it was SO much fun! I walked to my friends house at 8:00am to have breakfast with my dearest friends. We had pancakes, summer fruit, cereal, the whole lot. A lot of us were army girls - we marched to school and were greeted with an awry of different characters - some penguins, a few lions, a banana, and about 10 'where is wally' characters. Everyone looked fantastic. The school had organised a bouncy slide and a bouncy assault course which was SO fun, and we played volley ball and rounders. I gave out my letters to my friends and they loved them. I was so pleased.

In the evening I went to a different friends house to get ready for our bar crawl...I know I said I wouldn't drink...but I kinda did...hehe :) I was still able to look after my friends and to make sensible decisions. Before we left we blasted out some music and danced around the kitchen like lunatics. We drunk rather a lot of wine and took crazy pictures. I felt like such a teenager! We got into town at 10 and started the dares. These are the ones I completed: I got a souvenir of a stranger (a Hawaiian flower necklace from a stag party. I convinced someone I was foreign (Ou est Rock City? Je suis Francais!!) I did a shot (of something very blue...and rather strong) and I sat in the middle of the dance floor. I had a really awesome night, so much fun.

Okay, now to a more serious matter. Today I got a letter from my old therapist. When I finished going, she said she would write a letter to say I was officially discharged 6 months after I left therapy. I had completely forgotten about this. It made me feel so sad. I lied my way out of therapy. Pretended to have put on weight by binging the morning of my session. Lied about the massive progress I'd made. The letter read:

"When I last met Ellie in September she had started the new school term with a new determination and had re-established normalised eating throughout the day and evening. Ellie was also feeling more confident and relaxed and continued to experience support from her parents, the church and social relationships. Ellie expressed than she had discussed her progress with her mum and she was now ready to be discharged."

I remember this as such a miserable time. I was lying so much, had just come back from a camp where I had fasted for 5 days and was feeling truly depressed. Yet still I clung to the ED like a life line. And here I am, doing exactly the same thing. Lost 10 lbs and sat here feeling hungry. Sometimes I worry that nothing will change.

Love you all, thanks for the fab comments, you are all angels.


i love bows:) said...

Hey babes!
LOVE the pics!and that little flowery dress!and im lad you had such a good time!

Eds a sneaky little bugger.It convinces you to do things that make you not very proud sometimes.heck i couldwrite a book about all the stupid things i did. BUT that was 6 months ago chick.and ok, you might be feeling like you want to hang on to ed right now, but it doesnt neccessarily mean that you would react in the same way as you did then. Maybe try and think of it like that, rather than beating yourself up about it, cos you really dont deserve thatlove:)

big love
vic xxx

i love bows:) said...

hahha babe i LOVE being able to plague your blog again!im going to make it my mission to convince everyone to change their comment settings so i can waffle on everyones blogs!!
ps, im having a clothes clearout of things that just dont fit me anymore however hard i try!im gonna email you some pics, and just shout if you want anything:)i own half of topshop in the wrong bloody size hahaha

Anonymous said...

i really want to go to a dressup party, it seems like so much fun.
it can change if you want it too, thats what i've always been told.

Charr. said...

Aww, you're honestly soo pretty! :)

It will change one day when you're committed to make a change, just hang in there <3

Sairs said...

I hope you're okay with the message from your therapist. I understand, I am doing the same thing. Just dumped dietitian number four and wishing I was smaller. I hope one day I will get rid of it but the more it's around, the less I think it will go away.

Oh and congrats on finishing school and having an awesomeo time with your friends! You will probably remember this day for the rest of your life :-)


Athena. said...

I hope you're okay - you're beautiful, you know?
Sorry to be creepy, I just wanted you to know, and never forget.

NabilaHazirah said...

Happy lasst day of school for you!

I hope everything will be alright! I love the pictures!
You all look beautiful!


les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

ah, your last day of school! how exciting! it really is a huge time in your life and even thought you said in your last post you felt too immature for this, trust me, it's life experiences that mature you. you will become something great, I know it.

also, about the letter from your therapist, I'm sorry that she fell for the lies, really. I mean, I feel like I can't BS my therapist in any way and that is a good thing. but I know things will change. they will. you will get better and you will be happy. even if it feels impossible now, I can just feel that there is health and happiness within your grasp.

i love bows:) said...

aw el i love you!you always make me feel better:) ha think it was a combination of my nutty neighbour(they have been trying to section him for like a week now, but he either runs away before they get there or looks himself in garden shed!) the stupid nutrition assignments, plus everything else, having a fat day and then my bloody printer!hahaha not much then lol

i SWEAR all i actually have to do is just stop feeling sorry for myself!

stop worrying about the exams.they really are not as bad as they are nigged up to be!and take comfort in the fact that the new governent wants as many people to pass as poss-so they might be easier hahahahahaha

love you!!!