Yesterday was the Last Day of school. Wow. Hasn't sunk in yet, but to be honest, I was much less sad than I thought I would be - maybe because it was SO much fun! I walked to my friends house at 8:00am to have breakfast with my dearest friends. We had pancakes, summer fruit, cereal, the whole lot. A lot of us were army girls - we marched to school and were greeted with an awry of different characters - some penguins, a few lions, a banana, and about 10 'where is wally' characters. Everyone looked fantastic. The school had organised a bouncy slide and a bouncy assault course which was SO fun, and we played volley ball and rounders. I gave out my letters to my friends and they loved them. I was so pleased.
In the evening I went to a different friends house to get ready for our bar crawl...I know I said I wouldn't drink...but I kinda did...hehe :) I was still able to look after my friends and to make sensible decisions. Before we left we blasted out some music and danced around the kitchen like lunatics. We drunk rather a lot of wine and took crazy pictures. I felt like such a teenager! We got into town at 10 and started the dares. These are the ones I completed: I got a souvenir of a stranger (a Hawaiian flower necklace from a stag party. I convinced someone I was foreign (Ou est Rock City? Je suis Francais!!) I did a shot (of something very blue...and rather strong) and I sat in the middle of the dance floor. I had a really awesome night, so much fun.
Okay, now to a more serious matter. Today I got a letter from my old therapist. When I finished going, she said she would write a letter to say I was officially discharged 6 months after I left therapy. I had completely forgotten about this. It made me feel so sad. I lied my way out of therapy. Pretended to have put on weight by binging the morning of my session. Lied about the massive progress I'd made. The letter read:
"When I last met Ellie in September she had started the new school term with a new determination and had re-established normalised eating throughout the day and evening. Ellie was also feeling more confident and relaxed and continued to experience support from her parents, the church and social relationships. Ellie expressed than she had discussed her progress with her mum and she was now ready to be discharged."
I remember this as such a miserable time. I was lying so much, had just come back from a camp where I had fasted for 5 days and was feeling truly depressed. Yet still I clung to the ED like a life line. And here I am, doing exactly the same thing. Lost 10 lbs and sat here feeling hungry. Sometimes I worry that nothing will change.
Love you all, thanks for the fab comments, you are all angels.