Sunday, 9 May 2010

Fine. Be that way.

Stupid boys. I really hate them. This is what happens when you let yourself be vulnerable, you get shot down. He's completely ignoring me. I hate feeling like this. This longing to be with him. This need for him. I miss him. He clearly doesn't miss me. That's the way things go. I can't deal with it.
Eaten lunch. Couldn't face breakfast. Couldn't face dinner. Won't face breakfast tomorrow. Might have lunch tomorrow. Might make up an excuse for dinner. Might binge. Might purge. Who knows.
I feel like I make progress (actually tell him how I feel...let myself be honest, this is all very rare for me by the way) and I get shot down. I remember why I build up that bloody wall. To keep these horrible, heart sinking feelings away. Well that's the last time I make that mistake. Walls are going back up.
Maybe it's because I've got so disgustingly fat. But no. I know it's not that. Being rational I know it's not the way I look that's put him off. It's just me in general.
I've lost all motivation, all want to succeed. I don't care that exams are coming up. I don't care. I just want to sleep for a really long time and wake up as a child.


peyton sunshine said...

*hugs* i'm sorry, guys can be such tools. don't let him do this to you, he's not worth it.

i know, pointless words, but it's true.

and that last paragraph, it's how i've felt for the past six months, it's every thing i've wanted to put into words. it's horrible but it's i've found it gets a little brighter. hold on, it will do for you too.


Anonymous said...

Awww darling, just keep moving.
Some guys are useless..He doesn't know what he is missing.
You are a lovely girl, and any guy would be lucky to have you.

I had a breakdown yesterday over my boyfriend. He is moving in 3 months, and we don't know what to do. He came to my house and started crying. I didn't even hear him out, I just ran away.
He found me by the river after 3 hours.
I fell, but I'll keep moving. There is always a positive side to everything.


mariposai said...

Hun, take a deep breath and think about this logically. If this guy is being an idiot, then things weren't meant to be, and you're better off without him. You deserve someone who can treat you right, and you're only young, there's plenty more fish in the sea so to speak, even though it may not feel like this right now.

Second, no boy should take away your respect for you and your body, and trigger off the ED. Just because things didn't work out, doesn't mean you have to punish yourself by not eating, or cutting down - these things will make it HARDER to cope with this, and will only make you feel more miserable.

Every experience is a learning curve, and there will be better and more beautiful relationships in future. This is not a disaster chick.


Sarah x

Sairs said...

I'm really sorry you are feeling like this and that you are having horrible feelings and awful ED issues. I know that it's not easy but if you let the ED win, it will just completely take you over again and I don't want to lose you to ED. I know it's hard and it sucks and that it feels like this will never pass. Eventually it will, it might just take time. Be gentle with you!