Friday, 14 May 2010

Extreme behaviour is back? TRIGGER WARNING!!

The usual warning - please don't read if triggered easily!!!

This last week my behaviour has been getting a bit 'out of hand'. This is bad news, but for some sick and twisted reason I am happy about this (in a weird ED way). I don't eat breakfast (black coffee please!). I eat 2 pieces of fruit OR vegetables for lunch, and I eat a normal family dinner. I know this isn't really extreme, but I can feel my thoughts getting more and more obsessed with calories/ sat fat grams etc.

I'll give you a run down of today's out of hand behaviour. No breakfast, 5 cherry tomatoes and 1 red pepper for lunch. Dinner: My parents gave us a 'treat' and let us have fish and chips from the shop. I got a battered sausage and chips. Then felt bingey and had crunchy nut cornflakes. Following the guilt I followed I went to the gym and burnt 510 cals (NOT ENOUGH my brain was screaming at me. I wanted to work out more, but I had severe stomach cramps from eating to much). I arrived home and this is where things got a little odd for me. I generally can't purge after 15 minutes of eating. By this time it was an hour and a half after dinner. I went to the bathroom and started being a little sick....but (sorry this is gross) I wasn't sticking my fingers down my throat, I was just pressing my stomach. I've NEVER been able to do this. I think this behaviour was partly because I didn't reach the goal weight I'd set myself this week.


In other (positive) news I QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! WOOOOP! I just thought "I don't have to keep putting up with this sh*t job." I gave my boss 3 days notice and today was my last day! Can I hear a hallelujah!!!


In other (negative) news, I'm not really sure if I should keep this blog. I feel like I'm letting you all down, and that what I right is very boring/has got a lot worse.
But I can't bare the thought of not keeping up to date with all of your blogs!!

Anyway my lovelies I am off to watch Sex and the city (my 6th episode in 2 days).

5 comments:

mariposai said...

You are not letting us down hun, this is your blog and you can write what YOU want in it, without having to feel the need to please others.

Well done for being assertive with the job - I remember how great I felt when I quit mine last year after relentless bullying from my mean old boss ;)

Finally, it's good that you can recognise your eating is worrying...it's easy to fall back into ED habits, and the longer you leave it, the harder it gets to get back on track again, so please don't wait until you're stuck in the cycle completely.

Btw that link you gave me was really useful, and I'm thinking of using it to plan my own diet a little better atm :-)

Sarah x

Sairs said...

You are not letting us down at all. Sarah is write, you write what you want as it is your blog and hey I'd miss you so much if you weren't here. I thought about this myself last week. If you think you'd miss it, then I think you should keep it!!!!!! If we didn't want to read, we wouldn't and you have no comments, but you do get comments and people want to read. It's up to you of course though. I hope you are okay.
*hugs*
Sarah

willfindhope said...

It's good that you're able to identify when your ED behaviours are coming up. If you feel that your eating is slipping, you should try and get help for it before it gets worse.

That's great news about quitting your job, no more putting up with a job that you hate!

You're not letting anyone down, this blog is yours to write about what you want to write about. And people do want to read about how you're going and what you have to say.

Take care,

Cassie x

Petal said...

thank you for the comment, lovely, and what's already been said is right, you're not letting anyone down, this blog is yours, and you can write about whatever you want. i don't always comment (in fact this is my first comment on your blog!) but i do always read!

*hugs* glad to read you quit your job! take care, love petal xo

Jessie said...

You aren't letting anyone down. This is your blog and it's a place for you to write whatever you want or feel. You don't have to pass some kind of test or live up to something. You can just write. Whatever you're feeling or struggling with or anything. And I always think it helps when you're struggling to be able to write about it--at least it does for me.

I'm really glad that you quit your job--you're exactly right in that you don't have to put up with that kind of garbage.

And I know how it always feels good in a warped way when you start resorted to ED behaviors. It always makes me feel stronger or better somehow. But of course that's really just an illusion. In the end, I'll only end up feeling worse. I'm really sorry that you're struggling and I know you have the strength to keep fighting through this. Please don't feel like this is your fault. It's a disease and it's not wrong to struggle.