Monday, 3 May 2010

Who I wanted to be. And what I didn't tell you.

You know when you're little, you think you can be anyone you want...anything you want...anywhere you want. Well I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T be anyone I want...because I am who I am, and I can't change that. Here is what I wanted to be and in brackets is how I actually am:

1. I wanted to be the girl who would go out on a whim and do really fun things completely unplanned. (I really can't deal with unplanned events. I can't find the will to get out of the house and do them. I'm the girl that plans events months in advance.)
2. I wanted to be the straight A's girl and be a doctor. (I know full well that it's not in my capacity to get A's...or be a doctor. Now I've got an offer of 2 D's and a C to be a nurse.
3. For a long time I wanted to be the city girl. The sex and the city style girl who wears fabulous clothes, writes fabulous articles, and work for Conde Nast. (I still want to be this, but again this is unrealistic because I'm doing nursing. I don't think I could survive in the Vogue world, it's to cut throat for me. Plus I want to do a job where I feel like I'm helping people, hence nursing.)
4. I wanted to be the girl who went out every weekend and partied hard core. (I go out once a month or less. I feel safer and happier on nights in with my family, watching Dr Who or reading a book).
5. I know it sounds crazy but when I was younger I planned to be in a serious relationship by now, and be really happy with a guy. (My longest relationship has been 2 months and I dumped him because I'm scared of commitment).
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not who I thought I was going to be. And that scares me. Because what if I don't end up with the future I want now (Married, children, not too rich, not too poor, nursing/being a health visitor).

Also something happened on my night out that I didn't write about because I guess I'm a little embarrassed and don't really know what to do. Basically on the way back from my night out, me and my friend were on the way to the bus stop and this huge group of say 25-30 guys where walking to us. One of them picked up my friend and a different guy picked me up and put me over his shoulder...they were all saying things like 'Let's take them back to the hotel and bang them there'. Then I felt someone finger me. I couldn't do anything to stop him. I tried to kick out and luckily they dropped me and my friend and left. I know they were just drunk and did it as a bit of a 'joke'. But I felt a bit violated and don't really know what to think.


Charr. said...

Ugh, that's really awful...I fell terrible for you. Who gives a fuck if they were drunk or not-- you're 100% right to feel that way, that's violation.

mariposai said...

Aw hun they had no right to do that to you and take advantage. For the record, I think that the person you are is amazing, and there's no need to wish your life away. Nursing is an awesome occupation, and you don't have to go out every night or do all those other things to be a good person. I'm 24 and I've only just started dating. There's plenty of time for everything, and as long as you look after yourself and what you truly want, then this is all that matters ;)

Sarah x

TheLittleFlower said...

Those terrible boys! That had absolutely no right to do that. Like who the hell do they think they are!
Your list relates to me so much. It was what I wanted to be too.
I think you're still a wonderful person,even if those things you wish for didn't happen.


Sairs said...

awww hun, I am so so sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve this to happen. It is really disgusting that they will get away with it. I hope you are okay. They had no right to violate you like that. You are a beautiful and special person and I think you so awesome, I wish you could see that too. You know, all the things I wanted to be when I grew up didn't happen either, but some of them did happen and the one I loved the most was meeting Andy. I was a lot older than you when I thought that I would never have any of the things I wanted, so don't lose hope, because some of these things may still happen. Chin up beautiful!

lisalisa said...

how horrible! Too bad you can't track them down and make them pay (after dealing with my own violation issues in therapy today I am feeling a little vindictive)!!!!

I am 31 and still trying to figure out my life. sometimes I think I want to do grand things, other times I feel lucky just to make it to tomorrow.

You will figure it out.

Anonymous said...

Awww. That's terrible whether they were drunk or not. I'm really sorry that happened.
I can relate to your list. I have always wanted to be the all-rounder girl. Good grades, but still party hard core.
You are still a lovely person.