You know when you're little, you think you can be anyone you want...anything you want...anywhere you want. Well I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T be anyone I want...because I am who I am, and I can't change that. Here is what I wanted to be and in brackets is how I actually am:
1. I wanted to be the girl who would go out on a whim and do really fun things completely unplanned. (I really can't deal with unplanned events. I can't find the will to get out of the house and do them. I'm the girl that plans events months in advance.)
2. I wanted to be the straight A's girl and be a doctor. (I know full well that it's not in my capacity to get A's...or be a doctor. Now I've got an offer of 2 D's and a C to be a nurse.
3. For a long time I wanted to be the city girl. The sex and the city style girl who wears fabulous clothes, writes fabulous articles, and work for Conde Nast. (I still want to be this, but again this is unrealistic because I'm doing nursing. I don't think I could survive in the Vogue world, it's to cut throat for me. Plus I want to do a job where I feel like I'm helping people, hence nursing.)
4. I wanted to be the girl who went out every weekend and partied hard core. (I go out once a month or less. I feel safer and happier on nights in with my family, watching Dr Who or reading a book).
5. I know it sounds crazy but when I was younger I planned to be in a serious relationship by now, and be really happy with a guy. (My longest relationship has been 2 months and I dumped him because I'm scared of commitment).
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not who I thought I was going to be. And that scares me. Because what if I don't end up with the future I want now (Married, children, not too rich, not too poor, nursing/being a health visitor).
Also something happened on my night out that I didn't write about because I guess I'm a little embarrassed and don't really know what to do. Basically on the way back from my night out, me and my friend were on the way to the bus stop and this huge group of say 25-30 guys where walking to us. One of them picked up my friend and a different guy picked me up and put me over his shoulder...they were all saying things like 'Let's take them back to the hotel and bang them there'. Then I felt someone finger me. I couldn't do anything to stop him. I tried to kick out and luckily they dropped me and my friend and left. I know they were just drunk and did it as a bit of a 'joke'. But I felt a bit violated and don't really know what to think.