Monday, 22 February 2010

The Voice.

Recently I keep getting a loud shouting voice in my head, which tells me off. Normally when I eat it's just me telling myself off, and hating myself so so much. But it's like suddenly I have this second voice, and it's so so loud, like it takes over my brain, screaming at me.

So I have had a 2 day plateau. Which is frustrating, because I did bloody well on Sunday, and today is going well. ARGH this weight loss is slow and so so frustrating. But I am lking my chest at the moment, my collar bones are showing nicely, and my rib cage is starting to stick out a little. I hate that this makes me happy. But I feel like there is no alternative.

I thought I would give you a description of what happens when I try to recover. I binge. All the time. Non stop. No purging. This, for me, is hell and worse than my current situation. I see no inbetween. I am so so jealous of those who can eat and stop when they are full, it seems such a foreign concept.

On good news I am working bloody hard at school, and am LOVING it. Hard work ist gut!

Thankyou for your brilliant commets, I appreciate them more than I can say!


mariposai said...

When I first tried to recover I fell into the trap of binging, which made me want to eat even less. Do not let this stop you wanting to recover or eat. When you've punished your body for so long, it takes a while for it to trust you again...the only way forward is to stick to regular eating. If you binge, get back on track and don't restrict, because this will make binging more likely. Believe me, once you show your body that it's going to get fed regularly, and lead it to a healthier point, the urges to binge get less.

Trust me I've been there and it is possible to eat and stop when full. This does however take practice and patience. Don't give up, and don't let the fear of binging make you fear food and eating altogether.

Sarah x

Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

Umm...what Sarah said. :D I mean, except that I feel exactly as you do, and I am so afraid to attempt recovery again because of those same feelings. But I know enough to know that she's absolutely right. I do you say... I see each side, and I believe in the reality of each side, equally.

But yeah, your voice in your head? Don't worry, you're not going crazy. I get it too, sometimes. Mine's not so loud, but it often splits in two, or even three sides. Meh...I just take it in stride. Not really surprising after all that I've experienced in the lifelong adventure of being ME. :P

Hope you're well today, love. Do what makes you happy, in the now. Because the NOW is you're life, and we're meant to LIVE it. :)


Jen said...

I know that happy feeling, when you suddenly see some bones better than you've seen them before. :/

I hope that one day (really soon), you'll be able to try to recover, and not binge.
I know it's hard. And terrible.

Lots of luck. You are amazing!
Jen xx

i love bows:) said...

hey, im new to your blog, and i loved your 'things i like list'.
the title of your blog reminds me of something someone said to me when i was feeling like i could never get better a few months back

'Alice fell through the looking glass and found her way back, and so will you'

keep trying to stay with it, and dont give up.
it can and will get better:)

vic x

Odette A. Scott said...

That's pretty much what I do, so I fall back into throwing up, and then not eating at all. Wish I knew what to tell you, darling. I think we're all in the same boat here.

Andy said...

I am TOTALLY jealous of people who stop when theyre full.
I dont allow myself to eat when there is other food in the room, or it turns into a binge.
When I recover I always try to eat, end up binging / purging a lot.
Then get so mad at myself that I think that the only way to stop a binge is to stop eating.
And vua-la my Ana is back.
Im slowly learning that this maybe not be the case.

Stay strong :)
Love, Andy