Thursday, 25 February 2010

I've eaten my own words.

Oh crap. Oh shit. Fuck. Bugger. (scuse the language). I binged. Fuck me I'm stupid. I write "ohh I don't need to binge...ohh yay". Well stupid me has to fuck it up. I can't do anything right. Just put down the stupid crisps/toast/pizza/cheese. So all my hopes for maintaining my weight until tomorrow are gone. I will be up and I will hate it. The horrible guilt is starting to hit me.

Sorry for the rant. Just really pissed off at myself. And my upper arms are huge. They used to be a part of my body I didn't mind. Now they are just fucking disgusting. And today someone said I looked bloated. That was before the binge. I had only eaten half a potato in 40 hours. What the fuck. Sorry I will shut my big fat mouth now. Maybe I should just sew my lips together so I can't eat.

On a lighter note, shopping tomorrow and saturday, you got to love shopping.

Argh. Stupid fucking me.

Ohhhh yeh, also I may decide, that when lent finishes if my weight has not got to a level where I am happy (126lbs or below) I will attempt recovery. ED just shouted at me when I wrote that, "Recovery from what? You fat ass piece of shit. Stop pitying yourself and do what I say and loose some weight." I'm so crap today.

Sorry for the depressing post, it's just my mood.


Sairs said...

Sorry you are struggling right now. It is really hard when you feel so badly about yourself and keep beating yourself up so much. It is okay, you will be okay and you can move on. The binge has happened and there is nothing you can do about it now, but you can say to yourself that you will let it go and move on from it. I know it's hard and I'm thinking of you. Thank you too for all your lovely comments. Be gentle with yourself.

mariposai said...

You have a right to attempt recovery now. There is a life away from this hell which you deserve.

Sarah x

Blue Butterfly said...

Adding on to what Sarah said, you have a right to feel depressed too. We can't always be happy and cheerful; you don't have to apologise for your bad mood.

Ignore that horribly insensitive person who said you looked bloated. People who have nothing nice to say should just shut up.

Retail therapy sounds fun! Have a good day tomorrow (and Saturday)! (:


Alice said...

Water, water, water. It fights the bloat.

And from your pictures, you definitely look pretty, not bloated. So why not tell this person to shove it, eh?

Jen said...

I'm sorry you binged.. :/ I hate it when that happens..

I hope you're down to happy-weight after lent, recovery might be worth a try. And YOU are worth a try!
Good luck honey, I hope tomorrow is better:)

Love Jen xx

i love bows:) said...

aw babe, its ok, i guess you just have to try and move on and tell Ed to do one!you deserve recovery, and you deserve to feel happy.
girl, dont ever apologise for writing how you feel-its your blog, to express the way YOU feel:)

colin firth only improves with age haha
ooh st ives is so pretty:)you'l love it!i live in truro, which is more central cornwall, where all the shops are haha
are you just going to st ives?falmouth is really cool to. but hmn must sees in st ives-def walk right through town, it ends on the beach, and is really nice place to hang out.theres also a gorgeius beach just out f town, cant think of the name!town is super sweet!lots of funky shops with one off jewellery, and make sure you go in yumi, you will love it!ha maybe il bump into you!

take care
love vic xxx