How is all went.

So yesterday went badly, but I actually don't mind.

I did well in the morning, then lunch came and I just binged all afternoon (no purging).But I suspected a few binges.

"Every day is a fresh beginning" so I have written my meal plan, and am ready for this. I want to eat NORMALLY. SANELY. UNEMOTIONALLY.

I think I need to try and dissociate food and comfort, food is only fuel to get me through the day and to supply my body.

So today's meal plan (I know it's boring to read, but it helps to write it here)

Breakfast: Wheetabix with sultanas.
Morning snack: apple.
Lunch: tuna pasta salad.
Afternoon snack (I'm taking all your advice and adding 2 more snacks) satsuma.
Dinner: My mum is making sausages.
Evening snack: raw veg snacks.



I really want today to get well, and I think it can.

Lots of love to you all xxxx

Plan time (sung like hammer time)

Thank you for the advice on recovery! So I can't see any proffesionals because no one knows I relapsed, and I can't get to counselling etc without my parents knowing, so I'm going it alone, well not completely alone, I have a mentor at church who I will meet up with regularly and will help keep me on track.

My normal problem with recovery is that I get stuck in a binge cycle....eat all the time....feel really miserable....go back to ED. So I will start from the root of the cycle, the binge. I am going to keep a food plan/diary, so I can keep track of myself. I am going to be doing a lot of research into why ED. and I have a book about Cognitive behavioural therapy that I will read. How does that sound?

So my meal plan for today(If any one sees any problems with the meal plan please tell me!)

Breakfast: porridge with chopped up banana

mid morning snack: satsuma

Lunch: pork and orange caserole

dinner: tuna and mayonnaise toastie with a satsuma and a chocolate bar.

What do you think? I'm scared....but kinda excited!

Also I am changing the name of this blog to up the rabbit hole.

I need to try.

I need to try recovery. I want to know who I am, what I love, what I dislike, know that I can eat and not feel terrible. I need recovery. I want recovery. But I'm scared of recovery.

So this is the start. How do I start? I don't even know how to eat normal amounts- I eat all da, non stop. I need help and support.

Please help.

Lots of love xxx

I've eaten my own words.

Oh crap. Oh shit. Fuck. Bugger. (scuse the language). I binged. Fuck me I'm stupid. I write "ohh I don't need to binge...ohh yay". Well stupid me has to fuck it up. I can't do anything right. Just put down the stupid crisps/toast/pizza/cheese. So all my hopes for maintaining my weight until tomorrow are gone. I will be up and I will hate it. The horrible guilt is starting to hit me.

Sorry for the rant. Just really pissed off at myself. And my upper arms are huge. They used to be a part of my body I didn't mind. Now they are just fucking disgusting. And today someone said I looked bloated. That was before the binge. I had only eaten half a potato in 40 hours. What the fuck. Sorry I will shut my big fat mouth now. Maybe I should just sew my lips together so I can't eat.

On a lighter note, shopping tomorrow and saturday, you got to love shopping.

Argh. Stupid fucking me.

Ohhhh yeh, also I may decide, that when lent finishes if my weight has not got to a level where I am happy (126lbs or below) I will attempt recovery. ED just shouted at me when I wrote that, "Recovery from what? You fat ass piece of shit. Stop pitying yourself and do what I say and loose some weight." I'm so crap today.

Sorry for the depressing post, it's just my mood.

Up and down and round and round.

So today is an up day. A good day. A productive day. Lots of school work done. yay.

Ok so it's time for me to explain a change. Normally I restrict well for 4 days, then binge on the 4th day. But now I have no need or want to binge. So I just keep restricting. I'm happy about this, but also kind of scared, it's like the ED has got a step more serious. My weight stayed constant for today and yesterday, which is brilliant, and I would love to have lost 1lb by tomorrow or just stay at my current weight for another day!

I know this is a boring thing for my lovely, talented writers, but I am going shopping on Saturday so I thought I would write a shopping list:

• a thin belt.
• mascara-false lash effect.
• a statement necklace.

I must stick to this list and not go over it, I am so good at spending A LOT of money.

OOOH I'm going to see 'The Lovely Bones' on Saturday and can't wait! Have any of you seen it?

Sorry for the tres boring post.

P.S anyone want to buy me those Chanel pearls?

The Voice.

Recently I keep getting a loud shouting voice in my head, which tells me off. Normally when I eat it's just me telling myself off, and hating myself so so much. But it's like suddenly I have this second voice, and it's so so loud, like it takes over my brain, screaming at me.

So I have had a 2 day plateau. Which is frustrating, because I did bloody well on Sunday, and today is going well. ARGH this weight loss is slow and so so frustrating. But I am lking my chest at the moment, my collar bones are showing nicely, and my rib cage is starting to stick out a little. I hate that this makes me happy. But I feel like there is no alternative.

I thought I would give you a description of what happens when I try to recover. I binge. All the time. Non stop. No purging. This, for me, is hell and worse than my current situation. I see no inbetween. I am so so jealous of those who can eat and stop when they are full, it seems such a foreign concept.

On good news I am working bloody hard at school, and am LOVING it. Hard work ist gut!

Thankyou for your brilliant commets, I appreciate them more than I can say!

Back. And feeling calmer.

First, thank you all SO MUCH for your comments, they mean soooooooooooooooooooooo much.

So I'm feeling much better. I went out for the day with my family and it was brilliant. My brother is at uni, and normally we don't get on (we just never ever talk) but now that we have so much space, when we do see each other it's actually really fun.

So yeh. Feeling better. Possibly because I'm finally loosing some weight. Being ill dropped 2 lbs. Yesterday's day off dropped me 1lb. But it doesn't matter. Because my weight is still ridiculously high. I'm angry at myself. I hate HATE how easily I give into this ED the minute things get hard, or boring, or I have too much going on. But I know full well I can't recover now. I would relapse straight away.

How beautiful is this women in this picture? I adore her hair. I love red hair.

Thanks again for all the comments, they bring a smile to my face :)

Love Battle xx

Ooh karma.

The calm before the storm? I was right. Been sick every hour (not on purpose, I'm ill). Feeling pretty fucking down. My friends call me washing machine, because they can never tell what mood I'll be in, I'm a rapid cycler. blah.

I noticed, reading through a lot of your blogs that people are feeling down. And just remembered a song which helps me a little:

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Love Battle xx

Another good day!?!

Seriously surprised how good this week is going! Not just food wise...but like everything! I haven't felt this good in what feels like months.

One of the reasons was for my joy is SHOPPING! I admint, I'm an addict, I get a massive high from buying something. I'll give a brief run down of my yesterday. So I got up early (as usual) and didn't want to wait until one to meet my friend in town. So I left at 11 and went to the new modern art gallery in my City (I'm an art geek). I then decided to be really *clever* and go to the most expensive shop in my City. Flannels. I saw the 'final reduction' sign and practically sprinted into the shop. So I ended up buying a skirt. Not any skirt. The most beautiful skirt in all of England. And on sale. Perfect. Only £55 ($110 for all you Americans) bargain!! I got such a massive high from this buy, I went to my favourite make up store and brought some £15 ($30) concealer. Followed by a new top...and a black coffee. This was before I'd even started shopping with my friend! I will post a picture of the skirt in my next post. I know these things are only material but they bring me so much happiness!

I got home and read my emails...OHMYGODI'MINTOUNIVERSITY!!!! And the offer is incredible! Only 1 c and 2 d's. which for nursing is pretty rare.

AND this morning I'd dropped 3lbs.

Calm before the storm?

*edit* Just found a picture of the skirt, it looks better on, my friend took a picture of me wearing it so I will put that up as well when she posts it. Sorry I'm a bit too happy about this skirt!

*Another edit* So the pic of me is up. Scuse my face, I was mid way through a convo, and excuse my hideous legs.

The mock turtle's story.

Who loves Alice in Wonderland? *raises hand eagerly* . I don't mean the silly disney version, I mean the book. Last night was a no sleep night, so divulged myself in some Wonderland. There are some brilliant quotes in there, "being so many sizes in one day is very confusing", "I can't explain myself, because I am not myself" and one of my favourites "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise that what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not other wise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."

So anyway, Alice aside yesterday was interesting. I think I may have got another modelling shoot, with a friend of a friend who is a hair dresser/make up artist who needs to build up her portfolio. Watch this space!

On food matters...LENT! Actually can't wait, I'm giving up all sweet things, my list got a little carried away: Chocolate, sweets, cake, honey, syrup, peanut butter, croissant, bread (because this is sweet?!?) and cereal. I think this is going to realllllllly help me!

Ok. Taboo topic. Religion. I've been thinking about it a lot recently. I'll give you my 'religious background': was brought up in a strong Christian home, went to church every Sunday and Tuesday and love it, mainly the social side. My only beliefs developed and I decided I believed in God/Jesus etc. So anyway...how does this relate to an ED? I head you asking. Well because I am the only child left who goes to church (bro and sis hate anything to do with it) my parents put me under a lot of pressure to be a 'Good Christian'. This pressure freaked me out bad, and I think the pressure was one of the things that led to my ED (needing to be perfect blah blah blah) I disagree with my parents thinking the rules are so important, I think it's not about that (My reason to drink/ have sex/ swear/general 'unchristianly' behaviour.)

Anyway that was a slightly odd mini rant...would love to hear your opinions?

Battle x

p.s Thank you sooooooo much for the comments on the pictures, made me feel better about putting them up!! Love you all.

Blinded

I woke up on Thursday, attempted to open my eyes and felt a stabbing pain in my eye. I knew straight the way I had scratched my cornea (it's happened before, the downfall of vainly wearing contact lenses). I tried to open the unaffected eye, but for some reason this hurt my right eye as well. So I had no option but to not open either. I lay in bed for 2 days. Doing nothing. Hell. Pure hell. I HATE doing nothing. I hate relying on others to help me move downstairs, or get changed, or eat.

But I learnt a lot, I feel like I have a better understanding of how frustrating it must be to be blind. I am so grateful for sight. Today my eye feel a little sore but I can open it. Massive relief.

On better news I GOT INTO THE UNIVERSITY I WANTED TO! WOO *runs around the room screaming*. AND they gave me a low condition to get in, which is a huge surprise since it's in the top 3 universities for the course I want to do.

My weight has stayed the same, which I'm surprised about since I have done absolutely nothing for 2 days.

Lots of love to you all! xxx

Purging at 11pm, not my best idea.

What a silly thing to do, purging before bed. Because the 'bed' part disappears and you stay awake for a veeeery long time. Is it odd that so far I'm enjoying my hyper, purge-high night? It's the first in a long time! Oh well....it's only 1 night.

----

I was thinking today about my low weight. I'm not going to enclose it, but let's just say people were worried. Today I tried desperately to remember how I got there...and I couldn't! That whole period of time is a bit of a blur of depression and misery...no exact memories, it feels like I lost those months of my life. Very strange!

----

Ok, I will explain the picture. I googled my name, and she came up. So I decided to write about her (I have no idea who she is, I will write what I think she's like)

I think she is a happy girl. She likes the outdoors, and although from a wealthy background she is very friendly and not snobby. She is quite naive, but wants to learn more. She enjoys a hearty meal, and would love a husband. She is happy, but can't help feeling a bit lonely. Her younger sister is already married, and she feels jealous. All she has is her dog Vittoria.

----

I know that was random, but I enjoyed it :)

The family

So if you read this I'm sure you have made some general judgements of me... but I realised I haven't said much of my co-stars...the family. So we'll start with the parents.

Dad: Not uber close with my dad, he is a very intelligent, well meaning man, who can be pushy and loves food. He eats a lot and is overweight (the rest of the family bully him for this)

Mum: Mumsy and enthusiastic. Extremely naive, has very high expectations of my behaviour. Used to be very thin, had kids, now complains a lot about her weight.

Brother: lives at university, I nearly forgot to write about him! Very demanding, very intelligent but lazy. Get's what he wants by shouting. Has a disease that means he will never put on much weight.

Sister: I adore her, she's a princess. very independent and artistic, stubborn. Petite and thin...recently been saying she feels fat. Worrying.

So that's the family...what a lovely bunch.

-----

on Other News I finally had my breakdown. I was at church and just broke down my rather brilliant mentor pulled me outside and we talked...I confessed to everything (I've been putting on my 'happy face' recently) She's always confidential and just great to talk to.

My own private HELL

As said earlier I'm having a very rough few days. I find that it's difficult to get out of the continual binges when I'm feeling so down. It's a vicious cycle. I don't want to go out. I feel panicky when I think about seeing people. Oh well... I must face the world one day..

My only plan at the moment is to get through this next week. Just to live through it and not break down, wish me luck!! xxxx

Bad bad bad few days.

Seriously horrible few days, I'll give you a run down.

Well yesterday was my 2nd university interview, it went ok, plus for the morning and lunch I ate nothing. Then I got home. and ate. And ate. And ate. Today I have done exactly the same, I went to the shops, brought chips. Ate them. Went to different shops. Brought not 1 but 3 tubs of ince cream. Ate 2, purged in the supermarket toilets. Then ate the 3rd tub on the way back to school and purged in the toilets again. I feel...dirty and high.

I havn't slept for the past few nights, and frankly it's messing with my head. Last night I was in so much pain from the amount I'd eaten I really thought I was having a heart attack (yes I know I am a hypocondriac) and I lay in bed and thought finally, I might die, great, I felt so pleased..relieved...

And now my mind is a mess. I can't think straight. To be honest, I feel a tad loopy.


Love to you all x

Day 4. Bloody confused.

Small rant, yesterday I know I did well. I had a small jacket potato and tuna. And a yoghurt. that's it, plus I did about 2 hours of exercise. Then this morning, I was Shocked at the weigh in. Well the first time I weight myself I was 131lbs, same as yesterday. Then I picked up the scales and put them back down (ritual I do lol) and I had suddenly gained a lb in that few seconds! WHAT! I weighed myself like 5 times, and now I seemed to have put on a pound overnight and am 132lbs. crap!! Damn the scales. Damn them to hell!

day 2.

Going well...somehow I magically got rid of 2 lbs overnight! Don't know how that happened!

Today I had a 56 cal, no fat yoghurt and a pear (how many calories in a pear? it's been driving me crazy). Dinner is unfortunately egg and chips, I will avoid the egg yellow, and cut up the chips into very small pieces. I have come up with a great reason to avoid puddings and anything sweet for the next few months, I'm telling my parents that because I enjoy them so much I am going to try and give them up over lent, to see if I can do it. Very excited!

My psychology class at the moment is very awkward. We are learning about clinical psychology and what is makes a person 'abnormal'. There have been so many times that eating disorders have cropped up...whenever it does my heart skips a beat, "Bulimic's and anorexics are clearly maladaptive, and their behaviour goes against social norm" "What normal person would starve themselves and make themselves sick" Thanks Miss. Much appreciated.

day 1 new plan.

Well day 1 has been ok.ish. I avoided breakfast, I had a yoghurt for lunch and a satsuma before work. Dinner was mixed bean burrito. Unfortunately I had semilina, a packet of crisps and a cracker. For a first day I'm ok with this, I have decided to slowly take my calorie intake down, not cut myself off all together, because then I will fail!

Another aim right now is SCHOOL WORK. I am so desperate to pass, but what if I don't, what if I fail and don't get into university? Gahhh, hard work here I come!