Running on empty.

Today I've restricted.

Breakfast: low cal yogurt: 86 cal

Lunch: 1/2 an easter egg - 256 cal.

Then I did 6 hours at work and jogged home.Ouch, running when hungry is so much harder. But I pushed through until I got the worst stitch, but it was only near the end of the run. What are you meant to do when you get a stitch? Run through it? I tried to keep running but I was in so much pain. I felt like a failure.

Right now I'm in front of the TV with a small bowl of pasta. I'm struggling to eat it.It's already gone cold haha.

Exciting news:

I'M GOING TO PARIS TOMORROW :D   I am very very excited and since I've only been once when I was very young so I can't wait to explore the city. The only thing I'm worried about is the food. What if I put on lots of weight? I'm only going for 3 days but I'm still freakin' out a little. But I'm not going to let that ruin my trip!


Just a quick update on the triggering book I posted about, it's Thin by Grace Bowman. I'm still reading it (when I start a book I can't stop reading it.)

Purged.

I just purged for the first time in 8 months. I ate so much today:

Breakfast: yogurt - 86C

Lunch: STUPID number of mini sausage rolls and chocolate. 1 sandwhich.

Dinner: started as just a 86C yogurt and a banana....then had some crisps...then pavalova....then pie. Then I purged.

Thankyou.

Thank you my lovelies, especially you Vicki for the support and love you've been sending me.

Yesterday I didn't want to eat. At all. I went out with my BEST friend C, we went shopping then out for a meal and I was in turmoil over what to get. I ended up eating so much. I hate myself for it.  Sandwhiches, scones, a cake, urgh. So I didn't have dinner. I ended up going out last night with all my friends and drinking quite a lot. Right this moment I'm watching the royal wedding and I've only had 3 hours sleep. It started off as a great night but by 3 I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. My friends wanted to stay so I did....until half 4. I was so stressed out and tired and just wanted to leave but I didn't have any money.

I weighed the same today as I did yesterday which I'm okay with. My daily calorie intake is around 1000-1500.



Not to going to lie....still a little drunk....goinbg to cut this post short :D

Upset by triggering book.

Stupidly this morning I brought a book I knew I would find triggering. Literally a minute ago I came across a line that had me turn over the book and nearly start crying:


"She stepped on the scales and was heavier than she thought (she was heading for nasty nine stone.)"

Seriously. I'm upset by that. I am over this weight and it just makes me feel like a failure. Like I'm nasty for being over that weight..it says it there....clearly...in writing....NASTY NINE STONE.

It's my own fault. I shouldn't have brought the book.

Running success!

Yesterday I went for my first proper run EVER. I challenged myself and decided to run home from work (3.6 miles) I took my running gear to work and at 6:30 my run started! And I was pleseantly surprised..I honestly didn't think I would be able to run very far, maybe run a few minutes walk and repeat. But I kept going and kept going and ran the whole way. It took me quite a long time (40 minutes) but there is a HUGE hill at the end of the run which took me quite a while. Hopefully the more I run home the faster I will get. I really enjoyed it. It's so freeing to just...run...forget all your daily problems.

Food wise I was still pretty restrictive. Yogurt, veg, ranch dip, creme egg, salmon pasta, rhyvita with marmalade,  a small piece of pie. That's what I ate. I have dropped another 0.4lbs. I have 1.6lbs to loose before my first 'goal weight'. I would ideally like to loose 8lbs in total.

I am focusing so much on self control at the moment. I feel like I've always lacked self control and now I'm testing myself.

Trigger warning: Calorie talk.

Yesterday I had a normal dinner after my smaller lunch and breakfast, then had decaf coffee in the evening. After 500 cals for lunch+dinner, I reckon the whole day was somewhere around 1300. Plus I did an hours walk. I can tell I restricted yesterday because of how I slept last night, I basically was very restless, and, well, hungry. It reminded me of my literally sleepless nights a few years ago whereI would go days with no sleep.

This morning I have had a 94.9 C yogurt and coffee. For lunch I have prepared cut up pepper, carrot, olives and pickled onions and I'm taking dip with me. I'm doing a 7 hour shift then jogging home which is about 3.5 miles.

Thankyou for all the comments, I know I shouldn't compare myself to my brother but I still feel humiliated that I weigh more than him. I also know that this restricting won't get me any place good but hell when was I ever logical?

Lost 1lb since yesterday.

restricting feels good. damn it.

Today I want to restrict. I hate my body. I loathe it. Breakfast was a banana. Lunch was chocolate buttons and a can of tuna.95 cals plus 146 caps plus 250.506 cals in total seems a lot. I miss the days when I could eat nothing for lunch or breakfast. Maybe I will cut it down, 200 c for breakfast, 200 for lunch.
My dad is on an extreme diet at the moment, he's lost 13lbs in 3 weeks.
Today I am scared of recovery, scared my mind will want to recover.
I found out i weigh more than my brother. He has crohns which means he struggles to put on weight. I am so embarrassed that I weigh more.

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Fitness is FUN.

Recently I've been going crazy over group fitness classes. I've been a member of my gym for a year now. But always went to the gym alone. But on a whim I decided to challenge myself and go to a class on my own. First I tried spinning (on a bike...massively hard work, very very sweaty and really gets your heart beating...to the point you think it might stop.) The buzz you get after a spin class is great. I may not enjoy working so hard at the time but you feel GREAT after. You gotta love exercise endorphins.

I've also tried 20/20 mix, 20 minutes of step, 20 of aerobics, 20 of core muscle training. Not as intense as spin, but still gets your heart pumping.

Today I tried circuit training (led by a man who looked just like George Clooney *swoon*.) It was great. Going to different 'stations' doing different exercises for short periods of time. For example 50 seconds running, 50 seconds starjumps, 50 second crunches etc. etc.

Tomorrow I have beginner pilates (I went once, very relaxing after all the heart pumping classes) and on Thursday I have kickboxercise which I haven't tried yet. I am also curious about hula hoop class, watch this space!!

I hopped on the scale this morning and I've lost another pound. This scares the CRAP outta me. When I loose weight I get a teeny bit obsessed. I have lost 3 lbs in two days. What?! How?! No idea. But damn it, this makes me want to loose more and I feel fearful that I will regain the weight.


GREAT NEWS: I have just realised I haven't purged in (drumroll please) roughly 7 months. 7 FREAKIN' months. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

If I can do it you can too girlies (yes I know what you're thinking "but I can't...I'm too deep in....I'm totally trapped....I just can't stop.) I'm walking proof you CAN. There is NOTHING special about me that I can recover and you 'can't' you can. Perseverence guys. Sucks at times, a lot at the start, relapses happen. But you can DO it. Seriously. You can.

Life update time!

Eating wise my life is very up and down. Yesterday I dropped two pounds, today I overate. The urge to purge gets greater and greater. I want so bad to loose weight. I'm doing 4 exercise classes a week, my friends say I've toned up, but I just see a big flabby mess. I weigh too much. 

On more positive news (cause sometimes pity parties aren't fun) I am still enjoying my job, I got a much better job review than I thought I would, and I'm finally making some real friends there. 

Another positive: I have just discovered the amazing world of fake tan. I brought an £8 bottle and I love it. Normally I am EXTREMELY  pale so it's lovely to have a glow. Plus I've just brought some great new makeup. I'm starting to look a little fake though... fake tan, fake eyelashes, lots of make up. I'm still considering a boob job and botox. 

Sorry I've been so distant on your blogs!

Ending this blog.

I don't know if I want to continue this blog anymore. It's not going anywhere any more. It's not interesting.

Eating disordered thoughts. Why are they back now?

This last week I have been getting eating disordered thoughts, getting louder and louder, harder to ignore. So what do I do? I binge. Damn it chocolate you are my downfall. My body image isn't that bad at the moment so I know that I'm not actually feeling fat, just out of control, and wantinmg a little more structure.

What I don't understand is how I can be okay with what I see in the mirror yet still feel fat and inadequate. I've been in bed all day. Eating and reading. Luckily I'm going to the gym tonight.

On other news, there is this guy. He's been in my life for like 2 years. I'm not interested in him romantically, but he is in me (he told me a about 5 months ago) and he got VERY possessive and needy. I decided it was best for both of us for me to cut him off. I severed all forms of contact, but didn't delete him off facebook. When I went out on Thursday I ended up drunkenly messaging him that I missed talking to him. The next day he was in contact via facebook and I don't know what to do. He wants to meet up and I think I do to (not in a romantic way, but he is a good friend of mine). But will this mess things up? I just don't know what to do!!

Negative thinking and speaking.

So recently I listened to a podcast by Joyce Meyer and she mentioned negative thinking and it's effect. It got me thinking about how negative I am and the effects it has on my everyday life. Today at work I kind of 'listened to myself' and noticed just how flippin negative my thoughts and what I say. I complain about : the work I'm doing, if I feel hungry, what I've got to do the next week. And you know what I realised? Being negative doesn't make my life any better, it ingrains my mind with sadness and an expectation for being let down and things not going my way, when actually I am EXTREMELY happy. I have SO much to be grateful for and SO much I take for granted. Here are a few:

1. My incredible family. Not just my close family, but my wider family. A few weeks ago I had literally a PERFECT day. I played poker for hours with my cousins who I don't get to see so much because they live in Spain, they were over for my great Uncle's funeral. Then my family and my cousins and aunt and uncle sat down for a home cooked meal, and in the evening we all sat down together and watched 'gladiator'. 
2. I have a job! A job which pays for lots of things I like: clothes, rent, meals out, nights out. In this difficult economic time I am lucky enough to have a secure job. 
3. MY BODY WORKS. There is nothing wrong with it! I can run, jump, skip, shout, laugh, hear, see. I don't need injections, I don't need pills. I am in great health.

I could think of endless things to write in this list, big and small. 

What are you grateful for?

Not drinking challenge: Fale.

I went out last night with my best friend. I was planning on limiting the number of drinks I had...it didn't go quite to plan. I ended up having 3 smirnoffs, 3 shots, 2 cocktails, 2 vodka and lemonades. Whoops! I was actually at an alright level of drunk (in that I don't feel too bad today) unforunatly I did kiss one random guy which I didn't really want to do as I am trying to cut down on the amount of guys I just randomly get with.  I also had a major drunken binge. It involved Mcdonalds...and lots of it. Me and my friend always do this after a night out...last night it was....

• One big mac
• 6 chicken nuggets
• fries
• cherry pie.

Oh Lord that list is bad. Luckily this morning I hadn't put on any weight (thank goodness for spin class). 

As you may be able to tell from the tone of my post I am still trying to loose weight. I want to post my daily intake so if you get triggered by looking please don't read on:

Breakfast: Wheetabix.

Lunch: half a can of soup, 2 rhyvita, 1 banana, a yoghurt.

Dinner: Whatever my family are cooking

Snacks: coffee, diet coke, gum. 

I'm also planning on giving up chocolate after easter, kind of my own version of lent. 

Spin class.....killer.

This morning I went to my first ever spin class....for those who don't know spin class involves a bike where you increase and decrease the intensity. It's suuchhh hard work. I've never done an exercise class before. Ive booked myself in for one tomorrow :)

I am also interested in pilates, and am booking myself into a beginer pilates class for a few weeks. The only problem I have is I get really embarrassed about how red my face goes. Like literally tomato red. Any tips to stop the redness??

Tonight is my first not getting drunk challenge. I am going out with my best friend who's back from uni and we are having a big night out. I'm actually nervous!! I'm off now to go shopping for an outfit.


I'm trying to loose weight. just a few pounds. 5 at most.

Pull y'aself together girl.

This post is a here-and-there update so I am bulletpointing all the random things I want to share today.

• I have succesfully Pulled Myself Together. For now. It took my a few days to get out of the pity party but I'm out now. I managed to get some persepective on the eating disordered thoughts (I  weighed myself, turns out I haven't gained the 10000lbs I was convinced I had gained.)

It took my a while to get this...refer to title of post. 

 Art, Found Images, Jaded Brechtian Ennui

• The funeral went okay. A good turnout. It turns out my Uncle had passed on a message to the minister before he died, for her to say at the funeral. The message was to his wife, my aunt "I know I am not the most demonstative man, but I love you, and have been so happy with you, God blessed me the day I met you." My uncle wasn't one for being emotional, so this was a beautiful moment to share with my aunt. 

• Sometimes good things come out of bad situations, even though it's awful my uncle has died, it meant my cousins from Spain were able to come over to us in England and spend time with us, they spent the day with us yesterday, we played poker for hours, chatted, watched films. It was a practically perfect day. I love my family so much. I am so blessed to have been put in my family.

• A few posts ago I wrote of how I was changing my behaviours, and one of these was the amount of alcohol I consume. I haven't drunken for months now, and I could tell when I had one gin and coke today and it went STRAIGHT to my head. Wooosh. I like it that I can tell I haven't drunken at all recently. I had it 2 hours ago and I'm still a little light headed. (I know I know....I'm turning into my mother.)

• Right now I am resisting eating more sweet food, as I have already had a cake this evening, I'm not restricting as I let myself have the cake, I am practising stopping when I'm full. After 20 minutes the urges to eat lots of sweet things dies down, and I find it easier to resist them. Yay :)