Trapped.

Yesterday, whilst lying in bed trying to sleep negativity attached to me. I had these awful, horrible thoughts about myself, over and over again...they were completely out of the blue...I haven't had them this bad for a long time. I felt so ANGRY at my body. At my thighs. At my big legs. I just started scratching them up and punching them. I HATED them. I haven't felt this much hate and negativity towards me for a long time. What I notice is the minute you start believing the negative thoughts...they invade you. They move from horrible things about your body, to horrible things about how your family think you hate them, about what a lousy person you are etcetc. So clearly my evening was spent trying to battle these thoughts. Hard work!

On a better note, I've noticed how much better and more structured my eating is when I eat breakfast and lunch with someone. I used to think that it's better to eat on your own so you can think about the food..but I've noticed that when I eat with someone else I feel more satisfied with the food I have, and don't want to binge or purge afterwards.

I know I've talked about this before but...I HATE SUMMER. I can't deal with the clothes, or my paleness, or the fact that all my friends are thinner and prettier and more tanned. I hate the fact that I have cellulite and I hate the fact that my thighs wobble. I hate that I can't disguise this in Summer. I feel so vulnerable and raw in summer. No where to hide.

Thank you for the good luck on my exams :) my biology went horribly, but I am hopeful for my psychology test on Tuesday.
Sorry for the lack of comments on you blogs!
xxx

Quietness.

Just wanted to explain why I'm a little quiet at the moment on your blogs, I've got exams and am going CRAZY with revision...hence why I don't have much time for blogging and commenting. When my exams finish next Wednesday I still won't be able to comment as I have prom on Friday then fly to Majorca for 16 days at 7:00AM. I'm thinking of you guys and can't wait to have time to catch up :)

Food wise, yesterday I was pretty binging, but didn't purge..today wasn't too bad, I'm just worried that I will get away from England, get out of routine and decide to starve for a while. I DO NOT want food to ruin my holiday.

I've got my Biology exam and I'nm FREAKING OUT. Properly scared. Argh.

Okay, there you go, my quick update, hopefully I'll be able to give a nice long post before I go away, but if not, good bye for a few weeks!!

Little Miss Positivity.

Wow. 2 days, no binges, normal eating...as in 3 meals a day and a snack. Wow. I don't know where this has come from! No idea! It just...happened. I woke up a few days ago, planning to skip breakfast and just eat lunch, but my brain wouldn't let me, or was it my body that wouldn't let me? Either way, I ate my ready brek like a good girl. And then stopped when I was full...then ate normal lunch...and then a normal dinner. Wow. Well this came as a shock to me! Something in my brain just...switched...I don't even WANT to binge and the want to restrict has lessened quite a lot! I'm just trying really hard to stay in the present, which I do by catching myself thinking of the next meal, and thinking "but what do you feel NOW? do you feel hungry or full? Do you need food to fuel you at the moment?"

This is a short post, just wanted to recognise how I feel.

Now question time..
I asked you if you HAD to be in one of these films which would you chose, Final Destination or Saw. And most said Final Destination because it was less gruesome. Totalllyyy agree. I don't actually like these types of films as I hate seeing people in pain, but at halloween my friends all watch scary films so I join in. I too would chose Final Destination, it seems less painful...as mad as it sounds I would rather not have to make the decision whether to fight and live or die (as in Saw), I would rather just die quickly :) This all sounds a bit....morbid, yes?

New questions:

1. From the Harry Potter books, which character do you identify with most?

Overwhelmed by your loveliness

Wow. What can I say? You are all too amazing for words. Thank you SO MUCH for those comments, you are all angels.

After my mini freak out I was thinking about restricting, but as a lot of you said, you can't fix one ED behaviour with another. Sooo I'm going to keep trying. Although I did binge yesterday, I've woken up this morning with a fresh perspective and am going to try REALLYREALLYREALLY hard to eat normally and stay in the present.

As I said I would like some professional help but I don't think it's an option. My parents don't know I'm still struggling with my eating disorder so I don't really want to have to tell them again, it just gets so stressful and I HATE worrying them. So I'm going to keep trying to fight through this on my own (with help from the mentor and you lovely people of course). So what are you going to eat? I hear you ask. Well, here is what I am (hopefully) going to eat today:
Breakfast: Well I am sitting here eating ready brek with sultanas so that's breakfast sorted.
Lunch: Sandwiches, salad, yoghurt.
Snack: (this is where it gets tricky for me - I snack and then just keep going) an apple.
Dinner: Lasagne.
Evening snack: A satsuma


Ooh I've just remembered the last questions I set. Well my answers: I would call a diamond a glower and I would take a wind up torch :)

New questions
1. If you could be any animal, what would you be?
2. Would you rather be stuck in the film 'Saw' or stuck in the film 'final destination'?


LOVE you all!

Disgusting.

Seriously. I'm gross. Binge all day. 2 days straight, don't stop eating. No purging. But right now I feel worse than I ever feel when I restrict. Can someone PLEASE make me numb??

Fuck this. I don't think I could even restrict if I want to with all this binging.

What do I do? I can't continue like this. Fuck this.
I'm so scared about summer...about bikinis...about being with my super skinny friends for over 2 weeks. I'm not going to be able to cope.

I don't know if I can get through this without real help.

Name of the book.

Some of you asked me what the book I talked about in my previous post is called. It's called 'The shaming of the strong' by Sarah Williams.

xxxx

Today and yesterday have been good food days (even though it's only 9AM so far today. Yesterday was Exam Day. I had my porridge, went out for cake and coffee with my mum at mid morning, had scrambled egg for lunch and headed out for my exam. It went...ohhh I don't know, I can never quite grasp how exams went, I tend to get the opposite of how I thought it went. Got home, and did have a bit to much to eat, I had: a yoghurt, a chocolate bar and a bag of maltesers. This felt like WAY to much for a snack, and I could tell that I was in binge mode, which meant I would of purged. So I sat down and distracted myself. Stayed with that weird feeling of WANTING to binge...like every cell in your body just wants to be packed with food. But I got through it, and was able to have dinner with my family. Done.
Today I was feeling so uncomfortable when I woke up, all I wanted to do was restrict and leave out breakfast because I wasn't hungry. BUT I remembered all your lovely comments and encouragement and just sat down and ate. Done.
OHOHOH good news, I haven't weighed myself for....2 days! I know that seems nothing, but considering normally I weigh myself on average of 8-9 times a day, then this is a big deal.
Last night I sobbed. Completely weeped. Because of a book, the most heart wrenching, amazing book I have read. It's called the shaming of the strong...or something like that. It's an autobiography of a woman who gets pregnant with a baby who will die straight after they are born. Instead of deciding to terminate it, she decides to stay with the baby, and love it for as long as she can. She names her, makes her some clothes, talks to her. It was the most moving book I've ever read, every few pages I had to stop reading, calm down, pull myself together and carry on reading. Most of the time I couldn't read through the tears.
I know this was a higgldey piggldey post, but I just wanted to write!

Question time! First off, thankyou for answering my last questions, it seems that Wicked got the majority! And in response to the what would you tell someone starting an ED, the resounding answer was STOP THEM AT ANY COST.

New questions:
1. You have to rename the stone 'diamond', what do you call it?
2. You're stuck on a desert island with no internet, signal etc. You can take one thing, but that thing can't be something that helps you get off the island. What do you choose?

It's a fight.

At lunch today I was able to regain some perspective, and I ate lunch. I then binged, for hours on end. No purging. I NEED to make sure I don't weigh myself for the next few weeks, exams are the most important thing at the moment and I need to be healthy for them. Tomorrow is my first exam, and as strange as it sounds, I'm pretty excited. I LOVE writing essay in English Literature exams.
My mind is very much divided in two. Most of the time I am completely wanting to restrict...forgetting anything to do with recovery. Then I get glimpses of perspective, remembering why I want to recover. I need to get more of these glimpses.

Sooo girls and guys, PLEASE can you help motivate me to not weigh myself and not to binge... as binging leads to guilt...leads to weighing...leads to restricting etc. etc. I know it sounds silly, but what I need now is support in recovery, and you, my fellow bloggers, are all I have for support (it's a good think you're all so fabulous).

Last time I asked you if it is possible to live the Sex and the City lifestyle, most of you thought it wasn't, and I'm inclined to agree, I don't think there relationship with sex - as somewhat meaningless is very healthy. But that's just my opinion.
I also asked you about names. My name is Eleanor (call me Ellie) and I would change my name to Amalie or Isabelle.

Questions
What's your favourite musical?
What would you say to someone at the beginning of an eating disorder?

Keeping accountable.

I would LOVE to tell you that I have eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday since Friday. But that would be lying. Here is a journal extract from this weekend:

Friday: I ate my breakfast, feeling super, super positive about life,food and revision I even had lunch! Dinner came around with the family and we had fish and chips. I was going to go to the gym but my friend called me up and invited me round for a barbecue. I went. And ate another dinner. And then walked to the supermarket. And ate more. and more. Until I thought I was going to explode. I didn't purge.

Saturday: Woke up feeling tremendously guilty. Weighed myself...gain of 2lbs. Didn't eat breakfast. Ate junk food: 2 doughnuts,a chocolate éclair, a packet of hula hoops. Then went to my friends party, and ate more and more and more. So embarrassed and out of control. Went out for a night on the town, even though my exam is in 3 days. Drank: 5 glasses of wine, 3 jagerbombs, 1 sambuca and a VK. (luckily I'm hardcore - I wasn't even that drunk).

Sunday:Arrived back at my friends after town at 4 AM. Walked home at 6. Weighed myself: 0.6lbs less. Must of been the dancing. Feeling massive amounts of guilt for not purging more.


Still, even though I've had a really rubbish food weekend, the social side has been AWESOME! Her are some pictures:











So there is the accountable version of my weekend.

Questions.
1. Is Sex and the City realistic? Do you think anyone ACTUALLY lives like that?
2. If you could change your name, what would it be to?

GOOOOOOOD NEWS!!!!

I have some news which I hope you will like: today at exactly quarter to ten, I got up from revision. Went downstairs. Got a bowl. And made porridge. Cut up half a banana and got some walnuts. I then ate it. All of it. This is the first time I have eaten breakfast in months.

Your comments really put things into perspective, I read them through this morning and cried at your loveliness, hearing these things are hard to take in, and I honestly don't think I would have got the courage this morning to eat breakfast without the encouragement you gave me. Thank you so much.

I want to live in the present - not worrying about lunch...not worrying about dinner...not worrying about the scales. And to do that I just need to respond to my hunger signals as they come. When I realise I feel hungry I can get a snack, or eat my meal. I eat it slowly and mindfully, thinking about how I feel while I eat, and when I feel full I'm going to put down my knife and fork, and stop eating.

I'm expecting ups and downs.

Feelings:
1. I think I feel a bit relieved. Relieved that I think I'm going to be okay.
2. I still feel apprehensive and a bit scared about: looking fat on holiday, getting really bloated, my Mum saying I look a bit 'big'. I'm worried that tomorrow my weight is going to be really 'high'.
3. I'm worried that I'm going to put on a lot of weight, all I want to do is maintain.

But the things I'm worried about are in the future, so right now, right this very second I don't need to worry.
Quick question: How do you maintain your weight? I'm thinking logically, and the weight I am right now is probably the weight me and my body is happiest at. It's in the healthy BMI range and it's a weight I feel 'comfortable' in.

Facts:
1. Yesterday night I couldn't sleep because I was hungry. The fact is: I don't want to feel like this because it reflects badly on my grades, and this is an important time where I need energy to revise.
2. Even if I do go up in weight tomorrow that will be because I have been eating so little and my body is readjusting.


So there we go! Sometimes you've got to go through tough emotions (see last post) to get to these brighter ones. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I just found it.

Questions:
1. What are some examples of good, healthy, filling snacks for in-between meals?
2. have you got any tips for staying in the present...not worrying about the future etc?
3. You can change the colour of the sky. What colour do you change it to?

iamnotfatiamnotfatiamnotfat (repeat until believe).

Feelings:
1. I feel like a failure because I feel like I have binged (I ate too much dinner, even though I haven't eaten anything else today). I feel like I'm going to weigh a lot tomorrow and it's really really stressing me out.
2. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for the world..I'm never going to be thin enough.
3. I feel really guilty because I haven't purged...not because I'm trying to recover...because I don't want to risk it with all my family in my house.
4. I feel miserable when I'm hungry and miserable when I'm full.
5. I feel angry because I don't think I'm going to reach my target weight by Sunday.

Facts:
1. My weight is in the healthy weight range. This means I am not fat.
2. I don't need to feel guilty about not purging. Other people eat more than me and don't purge, and I don't think they are fat.
3. The number on the scales tomorrow does not dictate my self worth.



Can someone please beat me round the head with the facts until I believe them?

A challenge for you.

Let's start with the challenge, shall we? I have noticed a recurring theme in the blogger community. We can all see everyone else's lovely personalities. We could easily real of a list all of the fabulous things...ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE. This isn't just in blogger, but in all of women kind it seems. SO I want you to think. And tell me 3 good things about your personality - they don't have to be big things, they can be "I am sympathetic" or "I like smiling at strangers", or "I can tell when someone is down and like to help cheer them up." Whatever it is I would LOVELOVELOVE to hear it. Screw being modest! Go and and say it!

I can't set a challenge without doing it myself, so here goes:
1. I have a real passion for helping people - in small ways like helping someone with a fashion problem, or in bigger ones like helping out at a charity once in a while.
2. I like beautiful things - not superficial things like a model, but the way mothers look at there new born children, or a sun set.
3. When I really put my mind to a task, I can do it.

Your turn :) :)

Another thing I need help on: books. I ADORE reading. LOVE it. Can spend all day reading a good novel. Now I have decided that instead of buying 2 or 3 magazines a month, I can put that money towards one new book a month! So any suggests will be very much appreciated!

So, to conclude, my questions are:

1. What 3 things do you like about your personality?
2. Have you got any books you recommend?

Can you tell I'm goal oriented?

Well thank you for answering my slightly bonkers questions. Here are my answers: if I could have any power - to know every single language in the world. The possibilities would be endless. And second question - 2 bums, you could just wear skirts and dresses to cover it :)

New goals. Long term life aims. Just to add to my list, this list is going to go on the side of my profile and I will cross them off as I go.

1. Become bilingual...we all know I want to speak French, nothing new there.
2. Buy a plane ticket for the next day for somewhere....anywhere, on my own.
3. Go and watch the London Olympics in 2012.
4. Face my fear and SKYDIVE.
5. Walk (some of) the great wall of China.
6. Go on a gondola in Venice.
7. Make a three tiered cake.
8. Create my family tree.
9. Go to a Spain, make friends with a fisherman and eat fresh fish with them.
10. Go on a hot air balloon.
11. Scuba dive in the barrier reef.
12. Grow my own vegetable patch.
13. Send Christmas in a beach drinking Pina Colada's.
14. Sleep under the stars on a beach.
15. Go back to Yosemite.
16. Fall completely and utterly in love.
17. Spend New Year's eve partying in New York.
18. Send a message in a bottle.
19. Learn to make cocktails.
20. Go skinny dipping at midnight in Majorca.
21. Swim with dolphins.
22. Learn to ballroom dance properly.
23. Sit on a jury.
24. Fly first class.
25. Have a child.
26. Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris.
27. Take a picture of the Mona Lisa in the Louvre.
28. Buy 12 roses...for myself.
29. Have sex with someone I REALLY love and who lovely me back.
30. Pass my A levels so I get into university.
31. Buy a sari from India.
32. Live in America, New Zealand and France for at least a year each.
33. Own a piece of diamond jewellery.
34. Donate to a charity anonymously.
35. Learn yoga.
36. Stay up all night.
37. Eat Sushi at a sushi bar.
38. Become someone's mentor.
39. Spend at entire day naked.
40. Get an article in a paper or magazine published.
41. Camp in the desert.
42. Go a year without watching TV.
43. Cook Christmas diner for my family.
44. Be an extra in a TV show.
45. Watch the cheese rolling competitions in Gloucestershire.
46. Go and watch the Eurovision Song Contest.
47. Have a spa day.
48. Drink abesynthe.
49. Get my teeth whitened.
50. Learn to ski.


Okay this list was boring for you guys to read, but I just love coming up with things to do before I die.

Quick food update: restricting a lot this. 1/2 a can of tuna for lunch, diner with family. Working out. Purging. BUT on the positive, I feel like I'm in a really good place, I'm not feeling down or sad.



Questions:
1. What on my list have you done?
2. Is there anything you would add to my list?

Should I feel guilty for relapse?

This is a bit of an indulgent post - but I feel like it's my fault that I've relapsed...what am I saying?! It is my fault!! I actively let myself fall back to this. This week I've purged 4 times. Restricted obsessively. Not happy with this. That fear and feeling of helplessness when coming up to dinner has returned. But as strange as it sounds, I feel like my ED behaviours are helping me cope with exam stress. Damn, damn, triple damn.

On good news, hear is how Friday with the boy went. We met at the park down my road, and I wanted to buy a magazine so we went to the shop and I brought Elle. Because England has suddenly decided it's Summer we went back and sat in the park. And talked. For an hour. Really nice, really relaxed. There were no awkward moments, it was really lovely being able to hang out with him and not worry about him thinking I was leading him on. Thanks for the faaaabulous advice :)

Okay, my question a while ago was 'what would you do with a million pounds'. I have to stay, the first thing I would do is buy a pair of Christain Louboutains and a Chanel bag. And then I would save the rest.

Second question, who would I be for a day? I would be a ballerina. I admire ballerina's strength, stamina and grace, I would love to see what it's like to be that talented.

Okay, new questions for you:

1. One magic power, what do you chose?
2. Three eyes or two bums, what do you chose?

I love doing these types of questions, and I love hearing your answers :)
xxxx

Relapse (and boy update).

First off, I told the boy, and he still wants to meet up. Thank you for the advice, clearly I took it :) I'm just relieved that he knows I'm not interested. I'm going out for coffee with him on Friday, I will keep you updated.

Secondly, I am pretty sure I can call my current situation 'relapse'. I've been a bit quiet about what I've been eating. Here is what has happened in the last few months to my intake:

recovery food:

Breakfast: Ready break with milk and sultanas.
Lunch: A sandwich, 2 pieces of fruit and a small chocolate bar.
Afternoon snack: fruit.
Dinner: What ever my family were eating....something like lasagne.
Evening snack: small piece of chocolate.

Gradually I decided to start using water in the ready break....I took out the sultanas. I measured EXACTLY how much ready break. One day I missed it. And I 'remembered' I can cope without breakfast. So now it's coffee for breakfast.

Lunch, I took out chocolate, then the sandwhich, replaced it for a salad, then that moced to 2 pieces of fruit for lunch. Now I have 1/2 a small can of tuna for lunch.

Dinner: I still have dinner with my family. But I seem to be purging it more and more regularly.

I'm sorry if this was triggering, I just want to stay accountable.

Questions:

1. You have one day to be someone else, who do you choose?
2. Have you got any decent revision tips?

positive thinking.

Positive thinking has been going surprisingly well! Here is a list of POSITIVE things that have been happening:

1. I met up with my fabulous mentor...she is truly amazing, she's properly my angel at the moment.
2. Revision is going well!!
3. I'm starting to really look forward to my future...I really want to be a nurse.
4. Even though my eating habits are very, very questionable it's not having a big influence on my mood at the moment :)
5. I have the most amazing followers ever.

I have a dilemma. There's a guy (why do dilemma's always start this way?!). And I know that he likes me. And I don't like him in that way, but I really want to be his friend. I agreed to meet up with him for a coffee for Friday, but I feel like I'm leading him on, and that's just NOT fair on him, I guess in a way I do lead him on sometimes (unintentionally). What do I do?? Cancel? Tell him? ARGH!

Here are some questions for you.

1. Describe yourself in five or less words.
2. You have won one million pounds in the lottery....what do you do first?