Last day. Bar Crawl. A thought provoking letter.

Yesterday was the Last Day of school. Wow. Hasn't sunk in yet, but to be honest, I was much less sad than I thought I would be - maybe because it was SO much fun! I walked to my friends house at 8:00am to have breakfast with my dearest friends. We had pancakes, summer fruit, cereal, the whole lot. A lot of us were army girls - we marched to school and were greeted with an awry of different characters - some penguins, a few lions, a banana, and about 10 'where is wally' characters. Everyone looked fantastic. The school had organised a bouncy slide and a bouncy assault course which was SO fun, and we played volley ball and rounders. I gave out my letters to my friends and they loved them. I was so pleased.






In the evening I went to a different friends house to get ready for our bar crawl...I know I said I wouldn't drink...but I kinda did...hehe :) I was still able to look after my friends and to make sensible decisions. Before we left we blasted out some music and danced around the kitchen like lunatics. We drunk rather a lot of wine and took crazy pictures. I felt like such a teenager! We got into town at 10 and started the dares. These are the ones I completed: I got a souvenir of a stranger (a Hawaiian flower necklace from a stag party. I convinced someone I was foreign (Ou est Rock City? Je suis Francais!!) I did a shot (of something very blue...and rather strong) and I sat in the middle of the dance floor. I had a really awesome night, so much fun.




Okay, now to a more serious matter. Today I got a letter from my old therapist. When I finished going, she said she would write a letter to say I was officially discharged 6 months after I left therapy. I had completely forgotten about this. It made me feel so sad. I lied my way out of therapy. Pretended to have put on weight by binging the morning of my session. Lied about the massive progress I'd made. The letter read:

"When I last met Ellie in September she had started the new school term with a new determination and had re-established normalised eating throughout the day and evening. Ellie was also feeling more confident and relaxed and continued to experience support from her parents, the church and social relationships. Ellie expressed than she had discussed her progress with her mum and she was now ready to be discharged."

I remember this as such a miserable time. I was lying so much, had just come back from a camp where I had fasted for 5 days and was feeling truly depressed. Yet still I clung to the ED like a life line. And here I am, doing exactly the same thing. Lost 10 lbs and sat here feeling hungry. Sometimes I worry that nothing will change.

Love you all, thanks for the fab comments, you are all angels.
xxx

What does the future hold for you?

Today was my 2nd to last day at school. I'm FREAKING OUT. I am far to immature to leave school. I honestly still feel like I'm 13, not 17. I can't deal with leaving school!! Where did it all go? Aren't these meant to be 'the best days of your life'? Have I wasted them? Does it go downhill from here? As you might be able to tell, I'm having a mid (okay, quarter) life crisis!

Today was uniform day which was pretty fun. Felt VERY strange to get back into uniform. I enjoyed it :)





Tomorrow is my final day - change if plan from hippy idea. Me and my closest 9 friends are all coming as warriors. We all have army hats and bullet belts, we got matching shorts and are going to paint ourselves green/brown. I'm so excited! In the evening it's the bar crawl - we go to about 5 bars/clubs and have to complete dares (get behind the bar....lick a stranger....run through a fountain...down a pint.) I have set myself some challenges of my own. I have decided not to drink (shock horror!) I really want to see if I'm able to have fun without the alcohol aid (plus I'm working at 10 the next morning). I no there are going to be a lot of very overly drunk (read paralytic) people, so I think I will look after them, because I've been there and I know how much it sucks!

I wanted to do something special for my girls, so I made a card for each of them. On the front is a picture of me and the person and there name written in pretty writing. On the other side I have written them things which I have wanted to tell them, about how special and fabulous they are, and how grateful for them I am etc. I'm so excited to give them out tomorrow!!


As you can tell all this business hasn't left a lot of time for me to think about food obsessively. I have been purging an awful lot but I was totally expecting this, with all the stress.

Love you all!
xxx

Benzodiazepines.

At the moment, I am taking tamazepam. Not prescribed. I took it for 4 weeks about 3 months ago. Now I have been taking them again for a few days. I don't know if this is the reason for my odd mood. I want to scream all the time. Literally like a pressure building up inside me. My mood has most definitely blackened, my head is woozy, I feel tired. Now a question: Have any of you been on tamazepam, and if so, did you get any side effects?

I'm not in a very reflective mood, so I'd rather ask you lovely people some questions, feel free to comment and answer :)

1. What do you like about my blog?
2. What do you not like about my blog?
3. Describe the room you are sitting in.

I'll do number 3 for you. My family lounge, TV with Gilmore Girls on it. Fireplace with (hideous) green marble around it. My favourite part of the room - the books. I love them.

Okay. This post is boring. So I will add some more pictures of dogs with wigs :)

Upside down day.

Eat nothing until dinner. Eat so much pasta. And cheese. And then crunchy nut cornflakes and a banana. Feels so, so much. Go to tutoring. All I can think of is being sick. Finish tutoring. Walk to gym. Go to toilet. Try and be sick. Don't get enough up. Pay £2.80 for gym. Stay for 10 minutes. Felt too embarrassing to stay, too hideous to keep working out. Felt lethargic, tired and lazy. Left. Now I'm here typing this. Feeling useless. My weight is still too high. Too high. Too high. Too much.

I need to snap myself out of this. It's just one small day. Just one. I will feel better tomorrow. My body is just a shell. A shell to my soul, my SOUL is what matters. Not the shell that holds it. I am not defined by what is outsides. I am what is inside.

I really wish I could believe this.

Friday is my last day of school, it's a fancy dress day. I am going as a hippie :) I am wearing a maxi dress, with flowers in my hair and will face paint a peace sign on my cheek. Any other ideas of how I can look more hippyish? I will put photos up on the day :)

Sorry for such a bipolar post. I can see my miserable mist lifting as I write my thoughts.

Also can you all please help Vic by giving your opinion on whether an addiction is a disease.

Love you all.
xx

Too hot to blog! And some photo updates

I've been a little quiet on your blogs these last few days because of the sun! Not my fault! Blame the weather!

Well I feel like my mind is in a good place right now. I have decided to throw away lots of my old magazines (so far I've thrown away 90. I'm not throwing out my Vogue's because I love them! I feel like it's a detox. My thoughts are that magazines DO make you feel a little bad about your body. Glancing through them again I can see how unhelpful some of the articles can be (the one on cellulite really made me mad "work out every day if you don't want the curse of the dreaded cellulite". Dude it's cellulite, like all women get it.

I've also been thinking a little about who I am actually loosing weight for. For my friends? My family? Boys My society? Or just me? I think it's a little of all of them. But I know that I am my biggest critic.

I read the most amazing book which is one of the reasons I'm in such a good place at the moment. It's called 'Redeeming Love' and it's based on the book of Hosea. It's about a man who get's told to marry a prostitute called Angel. I HIGHLY recommend it. Anyway... what I've been thinking about is how if I do find a guy, he's got to like me for my inside...who I am...not my weight. Or else the relationship just wouldn't last.

Sorry this post is so here and there.
I figured out yesterday that I have been losing 1.3lbs a week, which I am SO happy with because it's slow weight loss not my usual 6lbs in a week.




The black and white one is me and my sister. I'm the one on the right. The other one is me and some mates, I'm the one on the far right. I don't have many pictures of me that I like. But I feel like since a lot of you have photos of yourselves up I might as well, since I want you to know me for who I am :)

xxx

A hippo AND a hypocrite.

I keep commenting on your blogs about how you deserve more than an ED, and how life will be better for you. And I truly believe that. For you. I, however am exempt from this...does that make me a hypocrite? The fact that I say you are stronger than an ED, yet I feel so so much weaker.

I feel like a hippo. But only a baby hippo :) Which is an improvement. I have lost 8lbs in about a month, which I'm fairly pleased with. I've got my target. I've told my mentor the weight which I want to get to (don't worry, at this weight my BMI is still very healthy). I am always honest with her about my weight and have given her my permission to intervene and tell my parents if I drop below my goal weight.

SUMMER is coming. I can feel it in my bones, and boy does it make me feel happy! I am doing a fair bit of travelling this summer - 16 days with my 5 best girls in Majorca, a week in Venice with the family, a week in Cornwall with the family and 5 days at Christian camp :) SUPER excited.

Questions:
1. Where are you going on holiday?
2. If you have been to any of the places I have listed about, what do you recommend doing/seeing?

Thank you all again for commenting. I can't believe you will actually take the time to do it, it makes my day!!!

What would you keep the same in your life?

First of, I really want to say thank you to all of the fabulous people that comment. I REALLY appreciate it!!!!!

My last post made me seem a little like a Debbie Downer, so today I am going to be super positive and write some things I most definitely would NOT change about my past:
1. I wouldn't change my current friends. They are funny and kind, and put me in a good mood when I'm not feeling great.
2. I would not change this blog. I am SO glad I started this blog. It's very theraputic to write, and also I ADORE reading all of your blogs.
3. Telling my parents about my eating disorder. Yes it sucks that they don't 100% trust me with food, but that is a GOOD thing. I'm actually really proud of myself for getting the courage to tell them.
4. Quitting cheerleading. As much as I miss it, I can see how much it was consuming me and feeding into my ED.
5. Even though I'm sad I lost my virginity to someone who ignores me, I don't regret going out with him. I learnt a lot about how to act around guys, and going out with him challenged my commitment fears.
6. I don't regret my choice of A levels. They are very varied and I enjoy them all in different ways.



Okay, on other news I am coping pretty well at the moment! My sleep pattern is a little questionable. My food intake is too small. But my emotions are good. I feel calm, happy and content.

If you could change the past, would you?

I've heard countless people say "Of course I wouldn't change anything! You learn from everything!" Well no matter how much people say this I would still change quite a lot. Here is a list of some things I would change:

1. I wouldn't of been so rude to my teachers. I can see now how much that would of annoyed them.
2. I wouldn't have got so drunk on Christian camp (NOT one of my proudest moments.) Me and 2 other girls went to a pub and got hammered, turned up back at the camp and got caught...luckily they didn't realise quite how drunk I was. This was such a bad time.
3. I wouldn't have quit ballet. I miss it.
4. I would have made my Dad a birthday card this year. I brought him a card and wrote a poem but I wish I had drawn one, it would have meant a lot.
5. I wouldn't of worn those HIDEOUS bright turquoise trousers to the school disco when I was 10.
6. I would of looked after my hamsters better. Poor little One Eye (the poor little guy got into a fight with his brother...hence one eye.)
7. I wouldn't have lost my virginity to the person I did. I see him everyday and can't help but feel sad that we act like we are strangers.
8. I wouldn't of watched Star Wars when I was 7...got nightmares for 2 years (I get scared easily okay?!)
9. I wouldn't have stayed friends with someone who lied to me constantly and bitched about me. I was too scared to say anything "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" is not true. It just makes you miserable.
10. I wouldn't of binged yesterday. Damn.


Okay, so there are 10 of the many things I would change.


ps. I just found this picture of a dog in a wig. Made me giggle.

Extreme behaviour is back? TRIGGER WARNING!!

The usual warning - please don't read if triggered easily!!!

This last week my behaviour has been getting a bit 'out of hand'. This is bad news, but for some sick and twisted reason I am happy about this (in a weird ED way). I don't eat breakfast (black coffee please!). I eat 2 pieces of fruit OR vegetables for lunch, and I eat a normal family dinner. I know this isn't really extreme, but I can feel my thoughts getting more and more obsessed with calories/ sat fat grams etc.

I'll give you a run down of today's out of hand behaviour. No breakfast, 5 cherry tomatoes and 1 red pepper for lunch. Dinner: My parents gave us a 'treat' and let us have fish and chips from the shop. I got a battered sausage and chips. Then felt bingey and had crunchy nut cornflakes. Following the guilt I followed I went to the gym and burnt 510 cals (NOT ENOUGH my brain was screaming at me. I wanted to work out more, but I had severe stomach cramps from eating to much). I arrived home and this is where things got a little odd for me. I generally can't purge after 15 minutes of eating. By this time it was an hour and a half after dinner. I went to the bathroom and started being a little sick....but (sorry this is gross) I wasn't sticking my fingers down my throat, I was just pressing my stomach. I've NEVER been able to do this. I think this behaviour was partly because I didn't reach the goal weight I'd set myself this week.


In other (positive) news I QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! WOOOOP! I just thought "I don't have to keep putting up with this sh*t job." I gave my boss 3 days notice and today was my last day! Can I hear a hallelujah!!!


In other (negative) news, I'm not really sure if I should keep this blog. I feel like I'm letting you all down, and that what I right is very boring/has got a lot worse.
But I can't bare the thought of not keeping up to date with all of your blogs!!

Anyway my lovelies I am off to watch Sex and the city (my 6th episode in 2 days).

Awards :)

First off, thank you so much all that have been commenting :) You have no idea how much I have appreciated them!

Okay, I got the beautiful blogger award from Andy at Breaking Through . Thank you lovely! So first of, the seven bloggers I am taggings. This is really hard to chose!!

1. Vicki as she is so supportive and is so up to help me. She has an amazing ability to make me feel better when I don't feel so happy.
2. Andy who is SUCH an inspiration. She's very honest which I love and she's great at giving advice :)
3. Sairs who's insights I really appreciate and is just a down right fabulous person.
4. Mariposa Inspiring! Her outlook on recovery gives me A LOT of hope! Her writing is beautiful!
5. Tywo who's comments always bring a smile to my face :)
6. Now is Now writes so beautifully and has SO much strength!



Okay, now I have to give my 7 secrets:

1. I don't really know if I want to work...I sometimes wish I lived in a time when women got married and raised children. I think I'm a housewife at heart!
2. I'm really, truly scared of turning into my mother...not because I don't love her, but because when I was younger I was DETERMINED to do something different...have a life that my children would be proud of.
3. I am so intimidated my boys...but only boys which I think of as 'better' than me (better looking/ funnier). I really find it hard to overcome this shyness.
4. I love being drunk. Really love it. The loss of inhibition makes me so happy. I turn into someone I want to be- outgoing, happy, confident.
5. It scares me that I wouldn't be able to get onto an eating disorder program because I am too fat.
6. I pretend I'm a dumb blonde because I'm scared of being seen as a 'square'.
7. I act incredibly differently around different people. I turn into some one else around certain people. I am so confused about which 'me' I really am.

A small history visit.

The childhood.
Happy on paper. Sad in emotions. A mum and a dad. A teacher and a doctor. A brother and a sister. A lot of arguments between my brother and my parents. Crazy, insane arguments. Screaming. Me locked in the bathroom hysterical...blocking my ears. Always arguments at dinner time. Used to eat dinner so, so fast so I could get away.
Painfully shy for a while. Confused and quiet. Too scared to talk. Not a bad childhood...just a confusing one.
Early Teens
The stage of rebellion...talking non stop in class...about nothing, just to get some attention. Used to enjoy getting told off. Made it a hobby. Polar opposite of childhood me - loud, argumentative with friends, promiscuous.
Move to private school
Back to childhood me. Even more shy. Couldn't talk to any one at this new school. Every day got home and cried non stop. From when I got home to when I went to bed, just cried. Worst sadness of my life.
Move to 6th form.
Finding myself. Learning a little more who I am...not liking what I find...but at least it's an identity. Making friends that I get on with...click with. But it's a skinny school. Not one person is even a bit chubby. Literally every one is very thin. Pressure. Start cutting out food. Etc.etc. the rest is all history.





Sorry for that slightly dull history but I'm thinking a lot about my past, and my future. Piecing together me.


On other news. The boy told me he's not interested. Doesn't see a future. Okay. That's okay. There will be others. I can accept that. I will accept that. It's okay.

Fine. Be that way.

Stupid boys. I really hate them. This is what happens when you let yourself be vulnerable, you get shot down. He's completely ignoring me. I hate feeling like this. This longing to be with him. This need for him. I miss him. He clearly doesn't miss me. That's the way things go. I can't deal with it.
Eaten lunch. Couldn't face breakfast. Couldn't face dinner. Won't face breakfast tomorrow. Might have lunch tomorrow. Might make up an excuse for dinner. Might binge. Might purge. Who knows.
I feel like I make progress (actually tell him how I feel...let myself be vulnerable...be honest, this is all very rare for me by the way) and I get shot down. I remember why I build up that bloody wall. To keep these horrible, heart sinking feelings away. Well that's the last time I make that mistake. Walls are going back up.
Maybe it's because I've got so disgustingly fat. But no. I know it's not that. Being rational I know it's not the way I look that's put him off. It's just me in general.
I've lost all motivation, all want to succeed. I don't care that exams are coming up. I don't care. I just want to sleep for a really long time and wake up as a child.

Can't think of a title today.

First of, check out this article It genuinely made me feel very happy! These women are beautiful and curvy and confident.

Anyway, how did the date go? I here you ask. Well, I don't really know the answer...I'm unsure about what I thought about it. I know it brought back a lot of old feelings for me, but I just don't know how he feels about me. We watched 'Paranormal Activity' and drove to a supermarket...he caught me calorie couting and gave me 'the look'. I ended up getting a 33 calorie side salad. (I lost that extra pound this morning, which I am annoyingly happy about). Anyway, back to the date, we watched the film, then we played some piano, and I went home...I just don't know how he feels about me which really annoys me...I really wish I was a mind reader.

I can tell I was stressed about because I didn't want breakfast..and obviously found it hard to eat lunch (hence the salad). I find I've recently started accidentally giving myself 'goals'. As in 'I can't meet up with /go out on friday night/go for coffee with, unless I am x weight. By Monday I have to be another lb lighter to go for coffee with my mentor. Damndamndamn. How did I let things get like this?
On a positive note, I feel emotionally okay. I am feeling quite happy and not miserable etc.

Love to you all!

xxx

Boy update.

WELL. Me and the ex talked. I told him I regretted the break up. He told me he still liked me. But needs time to think. He asked me on a date (type thing). I'm going round to his house, he's driving us to the film shop...we'll pick a film...take a trip to the supermarket...get some food. And head back to his :D I'm very. VERY excited. As excited as I am, I do remember that there are reasons I dumped him...which is why I need advice.

So the main reason I broke up with him is because of sex (Obviously I didn't tell him this, I made up a different reason). I had sex (for the first time) with him after 2 weeks of seeing him, it really hurt :( . I had sex because I thought I 'owed' it to him because I was going out with him. I know if I told him this he would of been really understanding but I HATE talking about my feelings with guys. Really hate it. So I dumped him to get away from having to talk. So IF we go out again, obviously the same problem will happen. So how do I deal with it better?

On other news I'm still the same weight...I want to loose 1 pound by sunday. Doable. Also I've cut out breakfast. DAMN IT. Once it's cut out it's so hard to bring back into the diet. Grrrr.

Who I wanted to be. And what I didn't tell you.

You know when you're little, you think you can be anyone you want...anything you want...anywhere you want. Well I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T be anyone I want...because I am who I am, and I can't change that. Here is what I wanted to be and in brackets is how I actually am:

1. I wanted to be the girl who would go out on a whim and do really fun things completely unplanned. (I really can't deal with unplanned events. I can't find the will to get out of the house and do them. I'm the girl that plans events months in advance.)
2. I wanted to be the straight A's girl and be a doctor. (I know full well that it's not in my capacity to get A's...or be a doctor. Now I've got an offer of 2 D's and a C to be a nurse.
3. For a long time I wanted to be the city girl. The sex and the city style girl who wears fabulous clothes, writes fabulous articles, and work for Conde Nast. (I still want to be this, but again this is unrealistic because I'm doing nursing. I don't think I could survive in the Vogue world, it's to cut throat for me. Plus I want to do a job where I feel like I'm helping people, hence nursing.)
4. I wanted to be the girl who went out every weekend and partied hard core. (I go out once a month or less. I feel safer and happier on nights in with my family, watching Dr Who or reading a book).
5. I know it sounds crazy but when I was younger I planned to be in a serious relationship by now, and be really happy with a guy. (My longest relationship has been 2 months and I dumped him because I'm scared of commitment).
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not who I thought I was going to be. And that scares me. Because what if I don't end up with the future I want now (Married, children, not too rich, not too poor, nursing/being a health visitor).


Also something happened on my night out that I didn't write about because I guess I'm a little embarrassed and don't really know what to do. Basically on the way back from my night out, me and my friend were on the way to the bus stop and this huge group of say 25-30 guys where walking to us. One of them picked up my friend and a different guy picked me up and put me over his shoulder...they were all saying things like 'Let's take them back to the hotel and bang them there'. Then I felt someone finger me. I couldn't do anything to stop him. I tried to kick out and luckily they dropped me and my friend and left. I know they were just drunk and did it as a bit of a 'joke'. But I felt a bit violated and don't really know what to think.

WHAT a night out!!

Well...last night I got some of my confidence back! It was my friend's 18th birthday. My best friend H came round and we took HOURS getting ready,curling hair,fake eye lashes,outfit changes...what fun :)

We went on a little bar crawl through about 5 bars...got rather drunk. We ended up at a night club at about 12 and stayed there till 2:30. I 'accidently' kissed 5 guys, ohhhh I'm a little bit of a slut sometimes! So what!? I felt on top of the world. More confident than I have in a really long time.
Also brought some Mcdonald's chips for the bus home haha! But somehow I was 2lbs less this morning?! Does anyone know why that would be?
Update on how I'm doing with my goals. I'm still sticking with 3 meals a day, but weighing myself once every two days seems impossible, I just don't have that will power YET. I've decided not to go to the gym again until Wednesday, then I will go on Thursday night and Saturday night.
I love this list picture :)