Binge drinking.

I have been trying recently not to drink when I go out. This has lasted about 3 months, and in all fairness it hasn't been hard (because I haven't been out...at all). So on Friday night I thought screw it...I'm going clubbing! Me and my best friend started pre drinking at hers at about 8. I think in total that night I drank: one bottle of cocktails (9 units) 1 vodka shot, 2 vodka and lemonades, and that is where my memory goes a little blurry...I remember being at the bar a lot..oh dear. I kissed a few too many guys. The next day I had big issues at work and had to go hoome early. I'm mad at myself for all this. I just get so out of control. But when I'm on a night out I can't help but drink, I feel so much more confident.

Another reason for me NOT to drink is that I always seem to weigh less the next day, which is a real trigger, also I feel so hungover the next day I eat very little...loose more weight and just KEEP getting triggered. It's my own fault for weighing myself. But that's me.

I'm not feeling so great at the moment. I'm not feeling bad, just not good. Flat. I'm really really struggling to talk properly to anyone,  including my mentor. I'm driving myself back to isolation and it doesn't feel so good.


Sorry for being so shit with comments etc.

Realising my naivity.

I had no idea how naive I was. First someone breaks into my house and takes my stuff and that shocks me. Now my ipod has been stolen, two weeks later. I left it unattended at my local gym for 5 mins and it was gone, It was a really old battered one, worth very very little in money, but worth a lot to me. I just don't understand how someone can think they have the right to take stuff and feel okay about themselves. It's so wrong.

In reference to my last post, I am slowly coming out of isolation, starting to open up a little more with great difficulty. I texted my metor which was a big step as I have been wanting to cut myself off and be more capable of handling my own emotions. It drives me mad that I feel I need to talk to someone about my 'problems'. I really piss myself off!

Unfortunatly I am still weighing myself every day. I just hate that anxiety. It throws me so much. My weight it stable, I would like to be a couple of pounds left...but we all know that's a bad idea. I'll keep you posted.


Thank you for the lovely comments recently, I'm sorry I've been so rubbish at commenting on all your blogs, I'll be commenting again asap.

Isolation.

Every now and then I start isolating myself from everyone. I start putting on a 'happy face' and deciding it would be better not to tell anyone how I feel and what's really going on. I appear to be doing this now. I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling, I tend not to blog when I'm feeling like this, but I decided to make an effort. Okay, what's going on?
I am feeling a little helpless. A little bit...lost. I don't feel like I'm finding my feet this year. Bah. I don't know. I can't be bothered to write anymore. This whole 'getting out of isolation' thing is a bit too hard at the moment.
Oh
well
I'll snap out of it soon.

'The biggest Loser'

'The Biggest Loser' has just started in England. It's...odd. I can't make my mind up if it's a good program or not. I watched it at the gym and found myself working out harder than ever. I just don't like the idea of the competitive weight loss. I understand that they are severely overweight, bu they are loosing a stone a week! That's so much. Then if they are the ones that loose the least weight they get booted out. What are your thoughts? You who are in America - what is thought of the American series?

So an update - I am at my okay weight. I have been going to the gym and monitoring my calories (but not cutting them) Today I have eaten 1300 calories :)
My life is good at the moment. I have a good job, on a good timetable. I enjoy my other days, I am practicing driving and have just ordered lots of new books which I can't wait to start. I also just got an AMAZING new phone (HTC desire) and am enjoying the perks of having a bloody clever phone (I'm such a geek).

Anyway, that was  a random post, hope you're all well.
xx

Back to proper eating please.

I've been really unhealthy these last few days, eating a lot of 'binge foods'. My weight has risen quite a lot. So, my decision today is that I NEED to stop weighing myself. I'm going to go from every day to once every two days, then slowly less and less. I'm trying to get my eating back to a decent amount of good foods. Today I've had:
wheetabix and a banana
a bagel with cheese.
5 mini chocolates.
a yoghurt.

I won't have any more food until dinner. This seems enough for me!

Work yesterday went really well, my first customer was a man looking for underwear. At first I thought it was a gift, (the shop only sells female underwear) but after a few questions I realised it was for himself. He was so lovely and seemed quite shy about it at first, but after a while he opened up and said how hard it is to shop for this kind of thing because people are so judgemental, he said he was so happy that I was treating him with respect. It made me think about how inconsiderate some people can be, he must get a lot of mistreatment. He was so happy by getting treated how I would treat any customer (he went to my manager and said my service was good). Anyway where was I....oh yeh, I really don't understand why people would treat this guy differently...

Disproportionate anger over dinner.

Today I had prepared dinner -roast vegetable pasta. I had chopped all the veg and made the sauce to go over the top. As I was tutoring this evening my mum was going to put it in the oven. So I get home from tutoring, sit down for dinner and taste me. It's disgusting. My mum had added 6 extra garlic cloves. It was awful. I ended up having beans on toast. Now all this isn't really that important, the thing that got me is how ANGRY I felt. Completely disproportionate to the situation. I was fuming. I'm still angry now and it is half an hour later. I know I shouldn't be that mad but it's how I feel. Normally I only feel really angry about things like this when I'm going through a down period (once I got really really angry over my mum telling me off for not cleaning up the toasty maker. What a loser!)
So, question time...do any of you feel stupidly angry about these kind of things? (particularly food related)
And if so, how do you come down from this anger?

Friends can bring you back.

As I mentioned yesterday night I went out with my friends. It was so lovely to be out with them and actually I didn't feel shy or fat at all. It really put me back in a good mood. Sometimes friends bring you out of that black mood.
I woke up today feeling productive I have been to the gym this morning, booked my driving theory test, and sorted out a new phone. I have also eaten well so far today. I had wheetabix for breakfast then for lunch I made an omelette (I NEVER cook so I was quite proud of my not exactly perfect looking meal. It was tasty :) I am going out for a meal with my old work friends today and I am giving myself permission to eat what I want.

Now another issue I would like to address, a comment I received on my last post. "You should delete this blog. I know it's a sanctuary but it's probably making you care more about this stuff. I deleted my blog recently and my life has been so different." Well this comment got me a little annoyed. First off, don't tell me what I 'should' do. Also I find that writing what I eat here actually helps me feel better about it. For example yesterday after writing what I ate I looked at the list and realised it wasn't so awful. Also this blog is the place where I can be honest and I truly enjoy having this blog.
xxx

ps. You've all been so awesome recently and truly supportive thank you!

stop. eating. so much. argh.

I keep EATING. loads. Today was my worst yet:
wheetabix.
4 chocolate biscuits.
1 croissant with peanut butter.
1 bagel with peanut butter.
5 mini chocolates
2 crackers.
1 bowl of soup.
1 piece of bread.
1 yoghurt.
1 jacket potato with cheese and beans.

I feel so gross. I don't know what made me feel all binge-ey. Maybe it's because now I only work 3 days I have nothing else to do. Today I had a driving lesson...and that's it. I was going to go to the gym but I didn't feel like I had the energy. I am going out with friends tonight and I want to. As much as I love my sixth form friends whenever I hang out with them I feel fat (they are all very thin). Really dreading it. 

I also feel guilty for caring so much about this stuff. After watching 'The Passion of the Christ' this afternoon (not exactly a light watch FYI) I guess I feel stupid for caring about this stuff.

Burglary sucks.

Today whilst at work I got a call from my mum to tell me the police were round, my laptop and all the money I've saved up for driving has been stolen. I was so angry and upset. But most of all I'm freaked out at the prospect of having some disgusting people in my room, looking through my stuff. Oh and we don't have house insurance. This is the first month my family didn't insure the house in 25 years.

Anyway I thought I should explain 'maintaining'. I lost weight recently because of being ill and I'm really trying to maintain that weight. Yesterday I wrote about my mini binge. I actually lost a pound this morning. Oupps.
Today I've eaten (too much...need to be healthy again):
Wheetabix
cheese and tuna bagel.
yoghurt.
chicken Caesar wrap (I actually got this after I found out about the burglary major emotional eating)
Toad in the hole.
Yoghurt.
3 mini chocolates.
1 chocolate biscuit.

I had way too much.

Hmm.

I don't really know what I am classified medically classified as any more, eating disordered wise. I haven't purged for about 3 months (WOO) but still think about calories/restricting/exercise daily. For example today I had a mini binge (mini in terms of what I used to do) over the day I had:
Wheetabix with semi skimmed milk and apricots
2 coconut marshmallow things.
3 chocolate biscuits.
a tuna and cheese bagel.
Shepard's pie
another coconut marshmallow thing.
1 satsuma.
That felt like so much to me. I weighed myself after diner, and expected to have gone up 5 lbs, whereas I was only up 1.6lbs from this morning. Then went to the gym for an hour. Maintaining my weight has become very important to me recently.


Anyway I'm watching Glee so only a small post today!

I had the pizza! Hallelujah!

So as I mentioned in my last post, I was having difficulty about the meal out I went on last night. I decided as long as I didn't have a starter, dessert or any drink but water it would be okay. I had a DELICIOUS vegetarian pizza and ate the whole thing. Today I restricted a little at breakfast and lunch (172 cal cereal and half a can of soup) but ate.....an Indian take away for dinner! I used to be so so scared of these takeaways, but tonight  no problem!

I've just come back from the gym and since I haven't gone for sooo long (like 3 months) I didn't realise they close at 8:30 on the weekends which is a bit rubbish. But I still got a good intense 35 minutes of cardio in.

Thanks for the encouragement yesterday my lovelies!

Difficulty with a meal out.

First off, thank you for the support you gave me about my boss, I read it back and thought I sounded over sensitive, but basically there is more to the story - this boss has always been a big snide with me. She once said  "Wow, you actually do give blondes a terrible name" She said this in all seriousness.She always looks like she has a bad smell under her nose.

Secondly my headaches have gone, and I went back to work yesterday.

Anyway, back to the title. I'm going out for a meal with my friends tonight and because I've been ill I've lost weight. I'm reluctant to go back to a 'normal' diet. I was in the shower calculating my calories for the day, and trying to figure out what I could cut out to make enough deficit for this meal out. I suddenly realised this is quite an eating disordered behaviour. So I have given myself permission to eat what I want at that meal out, I'm actually really nervous. Here is what I will be eating pre meal:

breakfast: Wheetabix.
Lunch: Tomato soup, 1 piece of bread.
Snack: Spinach leaves (I do genuinely love spinach leaves...and brussel sprouts).
Dinner: Who knows! Could be salad with dressing on the side, could be a massive pizza!

Is this a bit harsh or am I being over-sensitive?

I was off work yesterday because I haven't been able to get up - I have a killer headache. You know that feeling you get after you bang your head? I have that non stop. Painkillers aren't working. The doctor said it was sinusitis. But my dad who is also a doctor doesn't think it is. I've been sick a few times as well. I have no appetite and my sleep has been very broken.

So yesterday my mum called in work for me to explain the situation and say I couldn't come in. Okay. Done. Today is my day off and I don't think I'm going to be well enough to go in tomorrow. My dad calls in to explain this (he's a Dr and I thought he'd be better at explaining) but my boss asks to speak to me. She then has a go at me saying that I have to call in before 9 and explain why, saying that it's just common sense (she says this in a really harsh way) I then explain how I've been feeling and she's like...call before 9 tomorrow to let us know if you're coming in, Urmmm....what?! Yesterday my mum was told to call today.


Sometimes people really piss me off.

Sorry for the double post but this has got to be seen.

This is so sad. When she's at the table with a hat on, a coat on, obviously freezing. It's just incredibly sad.

WARNING: THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PLDBITfHYA&feature=related

ps. In part two she says "I always thought that if there is something wrong with me people would care about me more." This is what I've felt for so long.

Can't get away from the calories.

I can't get away from this eating disorder. It's always there, in the back (or in today's case front) of my mind. I have been weighing myself everyday (not acting on it) and have been monitoring what I eat very carefully. For example I'll eat lunch (this is still progress) but it will have to be one of the low cal low fat choices. I went to Mcdonalds with my friends last night and was hungry, but since I'd had a small dinner I didn't want to 'feel fat' so had a bottle of water. Plus I'm still totally triggered by others losing weight.

Day 3 of the 30 day challenge: Post a picture of the cast of your favourite TV show.

How I met your mother

Love you all, thanks for the advice on running!


ps. I'm currently watching Edward Scissorhands. I love Jonny Depp in this, he's just so cute.

My life in 30 days- day two.

I am making this a short post, I'm off to church quite soon. I've been totally isolating myself recently. I haven't talked to any of my old uni friends. But oddly enough I haven't felt lonely...I'm quite content with my own company sometimes.

Day 02 – A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.

This is me and my best friend C. We went to the same secondary school and moved to the same sixth form together. She's at uni now and I miss her like mad!

Questions

1.  I've never been a good runner, does anyone have any tips on how to start?

2. How old do you want to be when you get married/settle down?

My life in thirty days - day one.

15 facts.

1. I love the gym. But unfortunatly I have gotten out of the habit since I started working.
2. (Okay this ones an embarrassing one) I've probably kissed about 40 guys. I've only been out with like 3 of them. I don't know most of them (alcohol is BAD).
3. As much as I complain about living here, I love England - the fashion, the unpredictable weather, those eccentric little villages where everyone knows everyone else.
4. I love crappy, trashy TV my favourite being ' The only way is Essex' followed by 'Take me out'.
5. I would rather have a speed boat than a nice car.
6. I'm quite traditional. I want to get married and have kids. I'm not very career driven.
7. I have three piercings. I am trying to get the third (navel piercing) to heal up.
8. I work in an underwear shop. The comments I get off guys about this are very amusing.
9.  Everyone that meets me for the first time thinks I'm a 'good girl' or as someone put it 'a stuck up cow'. The more people get to know me, the more people realise this isn't true.
10. One side of my wants to live in a tree house in the wild. The other wants to live in a palace.
11. People who aren't scared of commitment confuse me, I'm terrified of it!
12. I  prefer savoury food to sweet food.
13. I worry I'm predictable.
14. I don't trust counsellors.
15. I can't leave my house without make up. Can't be done.