Feeling low.

Tomorrow is my Uncle's funeral.

I can't cope with all this.

Just binged. Feel...low....angry....having big ED thoughts.

Too tired to type.

Awards

The fabulous behind the fat has awarded me with the versatile blogger award! Thank you lovely!

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift-

2. Share seven things about yourself.

3. Bestow this honour onto 5 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

.
Here's 7 things about little ol' me...:

1.) I see more boobs at work than most guys see in a lifetime. As much as I love my job, it does make me want a boob job even more.

2.) I'm only 18 but all I want to do is settle down, get married and have lots of babies.

3.) Everyone I meet thinks I'm at least 2 years older than I am. Mostly I take this as a complement that I'm mature for my age, but occasionally I worry it's because I have premature wrinkles...

4.) I HATE twilight with a passion. HARRY POTTER RULES ALL.

5.) I want to move to Australia for a year.

6.) I'm worried that when I'm a nurse I won't cope with the emotional side of the job, I cry at EVERYTHING.

7.) I think cupcakes are overrated, all that over sweet icing. Carrot cake for me love!

And now, 5 newly discovered or followed blogs that I think are awesomsauce, (in no particular order):

1.) Haley : I really enjoy this ladies blog, she gives me great advice and posts great pictures :)
2.) Lisa : This woman inspires me. She's such a great mother and a great writer. I feel happy when her blog posts pop up on my reading list.
3.) Dana : Two words : TOTAL INSPIRATION.
4.) Zena: This woman writes so honestly and is a very strong person.
5.) NOS This lady gives the best advice, I like what she writes about, and how well she is doing :)

Work, scales and a rather busy week.

This post is just an update on how my everyday life is going.

Work

I am LOVING my job at the moment. I love love love my customers. I've just started bra fitting which is really interesting and actually quite fun. I feel like I'm not pretending to to be a sales assistant and I'm actually not doing to badly at it. Plus I feel like my boss is on my side at the moment, she's really encouraging me at the moment, I think I'll be sad to say goodbye to this job in summer when I leave for China. 

Scales

I have been weighing myself daily again. I went up to a weight which I was not happy with so restricted a little yesterday and the day before, but didn't over restrict. (still ate a perfectly adequate number of calories) and have lost 1lb. I plan to loose 1 more then I'm done. I'm not loosing this weight in an eating disordered way, I'm just increasing my fruit and veg intake and decreasing the amount of junk. 

A busy week.

Monday: Work

Tuesday: Work and gym.

Wednesday: Driving lesson, gym, tutoring.

Thursday: My uncle's funeral.

Friday: A trip to my future university to meet the staff and my course mates. I'm actually a little nervous about this, I really dislike travelling on my own and having to find my way around a town I don't know. I'm sure everything will be fine. 

Considering plastic surgery.

I cannot remember a time when I have not wanted to have some form of plastic surgery. But recently I have seriously been looking into botox and fillers. I don't think this is ACTUALLY classed as plastic surgery, but I do in my head. The thing is I'm 18. When I tell people this they think I'm crazy. But I am SO conscious that I have lines on my forehead and I hate the nasolabial folds (the lines from the nose to the mouth).  Have any of your had this sort of surgery? What are your oppinions on it?

I have started to look at prices and have found the place I would go to. I think I will definatly wait until I'm 20 because my parents would not be happy if they knew I was considering it now.

Could this want to change the way I look still be a left over of my low confidence?

Been a little tired and lazy this last few days. Not feeling very motivated to do much. But still got lots of good things going on :)

Change 1: Alcohol intake.

So as I wrote about a few posts ago I am trying to change. I felt like first I should outline WHY I want to make these changes. Starting with my alcohol intake.

Looking back over the last  four years, most of the things I regret doing involve alcohol (kissing LOTS of guys I don't know, one night stands, saying dumb things, being sick, passing out, missing work etc etc.) And all these events made me feel like CRAP, physically and mainly mentally. So it seems obvious to me to cut out the source of the problem. Binge drinking. In theory this sounds easy. But in practise this is the hardest change for me to put into practise. I don't drink every day, not even every week but when I drink...boy do I go to town.
General one night out drinks:

half a bottle of wine before I go out.
4 shots of something brightly coloured.
2 vodka and cokes.
1 lemonade and vodka.

I've decided to limit myself to TWO drinks when I next go out. (s'all about the moderation girls and guys).

Again this might sound easy, but I have two main problems. One: ALL my friends drink a lot, and I really don't think they will be best pleased with me not drinking, it's just not normal in today's binge drink Britain. I'm really not sure what to expect when my friends notice I'm not drinking my usual bucket of booze.

My second problem is self confidence. Although I have improved a lot with my confidence I struggly when I'm out with lots of people, meeting others I don't know. I drink so I can feel confident and just not care, so I'm interested/nervous to see what happens sober.

I've tried to do this change before on my own, but now I'm praying a lot about it, so I feel I have God on my side. Exciting stuff!!

This was BEFORE we'd stepped out the door (this amount was between two of us)

"Supersize vs superskinny: kids." Review and thoughts.

I've just watched a programme called "Supersize vs superskinny: kids." It's a child's version of the adult TV programme. I had VERY low expectations for the show's morals and techniques, but, apart for a few hiccups I was pleased.

The layout of the programme is a very overweight and a very underweight child go to live in a 'nutrition house' for a week with their parents. There is a quite a large focus on the parents. The programme also showed one girls story of anorexia.

So, the points I liked about this programme: The emphasis that parents do play a role in how the child views food, but the programme didn't 'blame' the parents as they made a point that the child has a mind of their own.
I did like the fact that this programme was bringing up the importance of good nutrition from an early age, and developing good habits. I think parents and children should be given a choice to go to free classes on nutrition and how to adapt healthy eating to your lifestyle.
You know what? Writing about the programme makes me think there are mre points I didn't like.

The bad points: At one point a doctor was talking to a group of early teens and asked "So who had chocolate for breakfast this morning?" A healthy normal sized girl put her hand up. The doctor said "Do you care about eating healthily and getting fat? (or something like that)" the girl shrugged and the doctor said "clearly not. You're eating chocolate for breakfast." The girl asked later if she ate more veg would she loose weight, the doctor seemed encouraged and said yes. Wellll this rang alarm bells in my head. Hell I've eaten chocolate for breakfast so many times, and am I fat? No. Obviously it's not a good practise, but I just felt for this girl, and didn't like the message is was sending her and other teens like her.
Another point I didn't like was the short exert about the recovering anorexic girl. The way she spoke made it sound like she choose to be anorexic and then recovered in a day. For example she said "then after seeing the doctor I loved eating because it felt like I was slapping her (anorexia) it felt great." I thought this gave the impression it's easy to start eating first thing in recovery. I think it supported the whole "why can't you just eat? Just have a burger!" theory that many people think about recovery from an ED.

If anyone watched it I would love to hear what you think? Does your country have anything similar to this programme, and what do you think of it as a theory?

It's time for a damn good change.

This blog is slowly but surely changing....from a blog which I used to SUPPORT my eating disorder, to a blog which I used to support my recovery. And now? I feel the need less and less to discuss food (I'm not saying I'm near full recovery, just getting there). This blog is changing to one solely focused on an eating disorder to a blog focused more on...well...me. My life. My progression.

SO

this blog will still include info on how I'm doing in recovery, and any relapse in the future, but mainly it will be about me changing from someone I don't want to be, to someone I do want to be. The main issues I will be addressing are:

• My alcohol intake. Is it possible for an 18 year old teen to get along in this binge drinking society and still be accepted for not getting drunk.
• Changing from a self centred person to a more charitable person...
• Moving from a one-night-stand girl to a waiting for marriage girl. 

Basically I'll be recording the changes happening in my life and in me for the next few years, with starting university etc. I'll also be writing more about my faith. 

If you're not interested in this type of blog, you're welcome to stop following! 

What do you think of the change in the blog? Any questions? 

ps. Thankyou for all the loving words about my uncle, I really appreciate them. Also my work are letting me have the day off for the funeral. 

pps. For you who want an update on how the  running is going: not well! I can't get motivated! I love going to the gym, but I can't get myself motivated for the treadmill :( Any tips for motivation would be appreciated.

I got told today my great uncle has passed away. My aunt has just called my Mum. My aunt found him in the pool. . My thoughts and prayers are with my aunt. My uncle was a great man, hard working, generous, a good sense of humour, a real old fashioned gentleman. The funeral will be some time in the next 10 days. I'm praying work will be okay and let me have the day off for the funeral. Me and my uncle weren't close, but me and my aunt are. Just needed to get this out in writing. Start processing this.

The overeat.

First off, thankyou for the fantastic advice on my last post about my friend. I am taking the advice on board and am just going to listen to her when she needs me and not try and convince her to feel something else, because that wouldn't work. Thankyou lovelies! I'll keep you updated.

For a little less than a week I've been struggling with overeating. Now as much aas I worry about the calories, the main reason I worry about overeating is the effect it has on my emotions and my sleep. I get ratty, anxious, hyper, then get sugar lows etc etc. Then I'm so hyper I can't sleep. Then the next day I feel so sluggish. I feel it's the same as when I undereat, the same emtional crap. SO what do we do? I don't know whether to let it 'ride out' or put my mind in to restrict mode just to control my eating NOT to over restrict. I find my overeating problem harder to admit to than when I restrict.Js overeating linked in any way to PMS? I think this is because in a weird messed up way that girls are jealous if you can go without evening, but are disgusted if you eat too much. I think my parents would actually prefer it if I underate a little than if I overate.

What do you think about the stigma (correct word?) around overeating compared to undereating.

My mood has taken a total dip since the overeating period began. But even though I FEEL low, I'm trying to THINK positive.

When you see a friend going through a painful time.

Last night at church I was chatting to my friend S. She always seems really happy. At our church, in a break a box of chocolates is handed round for free. She passed it straight on without taking one. I asked her why she wasn't having one, and she told me she was on a diet. Well this just put up a red flag in my head. I started questioning her about the 'diet' and she basically confided in me that she's not eating much at the moment because she feels so stressed and feels like she has so little to live for, she doesn't see the point anymore. She spoke exactly like I did this time a few years back, in the midst of depression and bulimia. She talked about how much she loathed herself, and she just hated who she is. I honestly felt like crying. I know that pain so well, and to hear she has been going through it really got to me.
I gave her a hug, told her I know what she's going through, I've been in that pit but I got out of it. I also told her that putting 'the happy face' on won't help. She then said she doesn't feel she deserves to be sad, she feels she SHOULD be happy. I believe this is a big issue for people today, thinking that you SHOULD feel a certain way. Well let me say this: you have a right to feel rubbish, you have a right to feel exactly how you feel. You are allowed to be sad, allowed to be angry, allowed to be content. There is no 'should' when it comes to how you FEEL.

Anyway, back to the main point, what do you think I should say to this girl? Do I need to say anything or is it best just to sit with her and listen?

Taking up jogging.

I have decided that I want to try running. At the moment when I try to jog I last...5 minutes. Oh dear. I see a lot of work ahead. I have found an 8 week beginers programme on the internet, which I did the first session of yesterday on a treadmill (5 minutes walking, 1 minute jogging. I'm taking it real slow). The main reason for this is so I can learn to run in my own time so I can quit the gym as it's expensive and I just can't afford it, but still continue with physical excersise. Any tips would be welcome!

Anyway on to food intake, which I've been avoiding writting about recently. I have been craving a lot of 'bad foods' this last week, and have had quite a few binge days. This caused me to feel pretty low and I weighed myself this morning (yes yes I know, bad Ellie, giving in to eating disordered behaviour blah blah blah) and was not paticularly pleased. From last Saturday to today my weight has increased by 2lbs. Now here is the good part: I don't care. Could't give a crap. I know I overindulged, and I know that I will  persist with my attempt at trying to eat halthilty and not binge. I know restriciting would cause WAY more damage than good.  So my plan: keep eating when I am hungry, but changing the things I eat into good, nutritious food (dates, almonds, oranges, etc) but OF COURSE I will still be letting myself eat the foods I really enjoy (chocolate, pasta, scones etc) but in MODERATION...that word used to be the bain of my existance because I just didn't feel like I could ever eat in moderation, or find the middle between binges and restricting. But I finally feel I am starting to grasp the middle. 

Here is what I have eaten so far today (it's early afternoon) :

Breakfast: Honey nut cornflakes, not the healthiest ceareal but I was craving something sweet this morning. 

Coffee and a yoghurt.

And I'm about to go and make lunch of scambled eggs on toast. And will have a snack of celery with peanut butter and raisens. 

So to wrap this post up, any running tips would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

Photo update and lent.

Now on to lent. I forgot about it until today, so I'm going to write a few ideas.

1. Bread. This one isn't for weight loss, it's actually so I become more experimental with the lunches I eat. I always just have boring old sandwiches.

2. Giving up hair straighteners....my hair is so damaged. I think this is the one I'm leaning towards.

My Grandma does the best thing at lent, instead of giving anything up she eats one creme egg a day.

Are you giving up anything for lent?

My tools for recovery.

I've been thinking recently about the MAIN THINGS that got me to this point in recovery. Here is my list:

1. TIME. Recovery takes time. It's not going to happen overnight. There WILL be relapses (in my case). There will be weight gain and weight loss. It's been about a year and a half since I started my journey to recovery. At the beginning I thought it would be straight forward, "I've made the decision to recover and now I can do that" Doesn't quite work out like that...mainly because I think one of the things that aided my recovery was....
2. RELAPSE: Each time I relapsed the actual time of the relapse got less and less. The first few relapses went on for months, but not if I 'relapse' (act on ED thoughts) it would only be a few days/a week. Without each relapse I wouldn't have learnt about the nutrition my body needs.
3. TALKING: I talked and typed my way through recovery. It kept me in check, and helped me come to some big realisations, about myself as a person without an eating disorder. I realised that I'd been defining myself completely by the way I look, and how much I weigh. I realised that it's OKAY to not have to try and look perfect everyday. I realised that my real friends and my friends because of WHO I am not HOW I look.
4. TRUST: As recovery plods along I realise that my body is like a piece of machinery, it knows what nutrients I need, and will keep my weight stable all by itself. I have learnt that if I trust my body, and don't starve it then it learns to trust me and doesn't make me binge. It has stabilised my weight, so I can eat a really good amount.
5. ACCEPTANCE: This was probably the hardest for me. Acceptance that I would never be thin, never have that 'control' that I sought for so long. I know full well that I will NEVER get to my old 'goal weight'. And I've accepted that. I know that I will never have the body of the model. And I accept that. Some would look down on me for accepting these things, think "well I would never give up like her". 2 years ago that's what I would of thought reading this. But let me tell you this, I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER, HEALTHIER AND DAMN WELL BETTER OFF FOR ACCEPTING MY SELF.


So that's my list. There are probably tons more things that went into my recovery, but I would say these are the most obvious in my case.

Thanks for reading!

The rest of the gap year.

The rest of the gap year is panning out VERY nicely, I am getting super excited.

So, in May I fly over to Paris for 3 days with my Mum, I'm looking forward to this so much, it was one of the things I had my heart set on doing. I want to go to the Louvre, shop and generally explore Paris. In June (hopefully) I'll be off to China for 12 days. In August my cousins are coming over from Spain and staying with us for 2 weeks, we will show them around our city etc. etc. At the end of August I'm planning to go to a big music festival (v festival) with one of my close friends, fingers crossed we get tickets tomorrow. vSometime in Summer I'll also be going to Barcelona with my immediate family which will be SUPER.

And in the mean time I'll be work, work, working to fund all of these fabulous things.

I managed to NOT WEIGH MYSELF again today (that's two days in a row) I plan to weigh myself on Saturday. Food wise I ate much more sensibly today:

A fruit platter for breakfast (banana, satsuma and dates)
chocolate bar as a snack
pitta bread with cheese, tomato and lettuce for lunch with celery and peanut butter.
Shepherd's pie for dinner with cherry pie for desert.

Thank you for all the lovely comments on the list I made, I felt a lot less irratic afterwards.

Pride comes before a fall.

I posted a post a few days ago about how well I was doing with food. Today I had such a crap day, I ate so much and for the first time in AGES I found my self in the bathroom, about to vomit. Thank God I stopped myself in time. But on a good note I didn't weigh myself today (feels like a very small victory compared to the crappiness that was the rest of the day.)

In the space of a day my mind has started idolising  restrictive behaviour. But the thing that weirdly upsets me is that I know I can't restrict. I know I will just binge later. I guess I really will NEVER be as thin as I'd like.

Okay to stop this turning into the start of a relapse, here is my list of why NOT to restrict:

• The only weigh to loose weight is to eat healthy, proper meals and do some exercise. Even though I shouldn't loose weight if I'm going to RESTRICTING WON'T HELP.
• Restricting means feeling tired, grumpy, angry, faint. 
• Restricting means my mind will start obsessing about weight, food, calories, which I KNOW is not a fun place to be. 
• Restricting leads to binges, which leads to purging which leads to restricting. And the cycle carries on. 
• I AM NOT DEFINED BY MY WEIGHT. 
• God loves me no matter what my weight is.