Waking up with perspective.

After a yucky day yesterday, I was AMAZED to wake up refreshed after having a good nights sleep. YAY. I'm not restricting today, I've decided to keep my food intake stable, then lower it very gradually (I know, I know...not healthy...giving in to ED...but to be honest I really need it at the moment to get me through).
Today's food:
Breakfast: 30g ready brek with sultanas - 120 c (I round up because I'm paranoid about under estimating).
Lunch: 1 ryvita, 1 plain piece of bread, a corner yogurt, an Options hot chocolate. So that's... 42+96+200+40. (I hate that I know these calories off by heart) 378. That's WAY too many cals. I shouldn't of had the yoghurt.
Dinner:Pasta with tomato sauce - 400.
So the average total is 898, I'll round up to 1000 just to be safe. That's a very big number for me.

My boyfriend is trying to get me to go to counselling, for my flashbacks to sexual abuse, my seriously awful nightmares and awakening in fear every night, for my continuing struggling with the ED. But I'm too scared to tell my parents that I want to go to counselling because they will pry into what's wrong...and I don't really want to tell them. My boyfriend goes to university next Monday. Crap. Luckily he's staying in my city. I'm still really worried that he's not going to have any time for me, I know that I'll need to adapt to seeing him less.

Questions:
1. Is there any specific kind of counselling you would recommend?

When everything feels wrong.

Yesterday and today I have felt awful. Yesterday I did something I barely do, I got a pair of blunt scissors and cut a nice gash into my wrist and put a rubber band over the top so it really hurt. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to feel that pain, because I feel like I deserve it. I'm so immensely unhappy recently. Today has been uneventful (ish). My parents were out all day so I have sat on the sofa and done....nothing. Literally. Nothing. This is partly because I'm exhausted (my sleep pattern has gone and I was haunted with nightmares for the few hours I slept last night.) Apart from sitting in front of the TV I was too exhausted to watch, I had not one, no no, but two binges. And two purges. Not fun considering I haven't purged in so long. My mum also found the scar on my arm, I said it was from the oven. I think she brought it. 

So as I talked about in my last post - I'm really struggling with my eating disorder. But I CAN'T just go straight into restriction mode because then I binge/ purge (today is a case point of that) so I am going to gradually lower my intake. Because, really? why not. 

I just don't care any more. There isn't really much point - we live, we die, we get forgotten. 

New beginning.

On Saturday morning I weighed myself (a normal occurrence). And I read THAT weight. You know the one - the weight that you always said you would never get to. Well I got there. SO. Out came the calorie counters, the diet coke, the sugar free gum, the food diary, the herbal tea. I am purely disgusted that I let myself get to THAT weight.

Luckily this weekend I managed to drop 4lbs. I'm still really unhappy with the weight I am right now. I'm going to do something I haven't done for a long time on this blog and write down my food plan for the day:

Breakfast (already eaten): 1 satsuma.
Lunch: 2 ryvita's with chopped tomatoes.
Snack: 1 ryvita and a coffee.
Dinner: Whatever my family are having.
Then gym in the evening.

Sorry.

Just plain ANGRY.

Searching for a job is so bloody tiring. Today I have out roughly one million CV'S. And I got offered a job! At Ann Summers, as a party organiser. (For those of you who don't know, Ann Summers is a shop that sells lingerie and sex toys, but not like a cheap gross shop - it's actually really nice). I got home, told my parents and they went MAD. My mum was angry I had even been in there. She did the whole "I'm so disappointed in you" speech. They aren't letting me take the job. I'm 18 for God's sake. I need freedom. They are trapping me. I can't breath. And you know what I do when I feel trapped? I restrict. I find my freedom through controlling my food. Fuck this. I give up.

Losing Style.

I appear to have lost my Writing Style (if I ever had any.) My writing is too here and there, it changes it's mind every few seconds. What to do? What to do? Well write another post of course!

I am not sure if this blog is an 'eating disorder blog' any more. I am very happy to say that my eating schedule is positively normal! I eat all three meals, and although my bum and thighs wobble far too much, and although sometimes I do say to myself "Screw it, today I'm not eating," I recognise that this is silly and unhelpful and go and eat a chocolate bar!

Now, something interesting happened yesterday, pay attention all (well, you don't really need to, it's not that interesting!) I have been very irritable in the last month, my sleeping pattern has messed itself up, I feel angry and upset a lot. Yesterday my parents called me on it. Mum sat me down, and asked me what is wrong. Me being the angsty teenager I am, got very annoyed and just told her "I'm TIRED Mum, that's ALL, leave me ALONE." She persisted. And I broke. Told her how down I've been feeling. How I don't know why I'm irritable. How I'm scared about my gap year and all my friends leaving. Just talking (and crying) helped. She says that I need to get off my lazy bum, because watching TV all day will not help (of course she said it nicer than this.)

I also told the Boyfriend about how I was feeling low, he sent me a text saying "Come outside". He was outside. With 12 red roses. My day improved remarkably. *sigh*

Questions:
1. Has anyone read "The Edible Woman"? Is it any good?
2. How do you get out of a low period?

Letting go of the secret.

Sometimes letting go of a secret can be so freeing. Yesterday I went round to my boyfriends and we had SUCH a good time. I told him about my haunting memory (previous post) and how it was affecting me. I told him that I need to take things slow so I can relax. He was brilliant. Really understanding, he said I should go to counselling, he even offered to take me. I am completely falling for him. I think I love him. (I've never loved a guy, so it's quite a big deal for me to say this).

My food intake this last week has been good! I'm eating three healthy meals a day, and a snack. I'm going to the gym three times a week. I'm gunna get FIT!

Today is the first day of the gap year! Today I'm just relaxing, easing myself in hehe. Tomorrow I'm handing out more CV'S and this week I hear from my first possible job lead.

Question:
1. What would you do with a gap year?

Haunting memories?

I have a memory that is haunting me. It won't go away. And now I'm getting side affects to this memory.

Let me expand. When I was younger, about 11 my brother's friend did stuff to me when I didn't want him to. It wasn't rape, but it was close. I still feel like this was my fault.

Well here is the problem. Whenever me and my boyfriend start to...do stuff, this memory comes back and it's all I can think about. It makes any intimacy difficult.

So how do I get rid of this problem? Burn the memory? How can I block it out?



Question:
1. What are your best interview tips?