Three years.

It's been roughly three years since my eating disorder really started. 3 years. Not a month, week, day has gone by when I haven't thought about weight. For 3 years. That's sad. And yet... I don't give up. My thoughts always return to purging, losing a dress size, losing 10lbs. Why? I wouldn't say I HAVE an eating disorder any more. I eat three meals a day, I'm at a healthy weight, and purging is now the exception not the rule. 

But as I sit here, in my beautiful room, I look down at my God damn thighs and just want to cry. My bum, my thighs, that wobbly bit on my arm. The new (higher) size of my jeans. I don't want to indulge in ED but I am NOT happy in this body.

University, on the other hand, makes me very happy. My flatmates are just fantastic (although it's a shame I have a big crush on one the them...not telling him or anyone...go away feelings pleeeaasseee) My course, although pretty basic at the moment is manageable and making me excited for my future career. 

This term I haven't exactly been the BEST behaved. Too many guys have stayed over in my room and I've drunk way too much for my poor liver. Hey-Ho, it's my first term and I've gotten it out of my system so now I can move on and keep trying to be a little better behaved. 

Carol concert tonight. I'm on the Christmas hype!

Carving out my insides.

So I am really enjoying my nursing course. It's brilliant. Unfortunately I am having a hard time connecting to the girls on my course. whenever I'm around them I feel like I'm so boring and I have nothing to contribute. I just get so self conscious and embarrassed. I feel frumpy and ugly around them. Normally I don't struggle with making friends but recently my self confidence has been on a downward spiral. We went on a night out yesterday and made a right fool of myself. I got wasted and ended up having a one night stand with a total randomer. Didn't even exchange numbers. I wish I felt bad but I don't. Just numb numb numb. 


I CAN'T LOOSE ANY WEIGHT. My body seems to be refusing to let me loose. I have been eating SO healthy - lots of fruit and veg, no chocolate, no crisps etc. But no. Nothing. No change. Today I pigged out and had a meal out. Gross. So obviously I won't loose weight tomorrow. 


Just 9lbs. That's all I want to loose. Is that too much to ask?

What a difference a month makes.

I have been at university one month. I love it...but not all of it. University has a difficult side. The food side. Each week I eat more fruit and veg and less of anything else. For example today's lunch consisted of 5 pieces of fruit. Dinner was grilled veg with pasta which I think I want to purge. 


Scratch that I tried to purge it but I thought I was choking. Need to remember to drink water whilst eating. Unfortunately I have only dropped 2lbs. Poo!


Cheerleading is going well, even though I had 2 years cheer experience as a coach and in a national champ team I got put in the beginner squad.Gutted. I really am lousy. Another problem is the coach we have has bad technique which I KNOW gets points dropped in comps. I have to zip my lips so I don't say anything. But I do love being back in cheer. 


 I love my little room at uni. I LOVE having my own space. I went home this weekend and struggled with food and also being around my family for that long. I know that sounds odd, I love them but sometimes I just need my space from them. Ohhh that sounds bitchy! Don't judge! 

my lovely room

grilled veg <3

So my plan for the next month? Drop 4lbs, pass my first assignment with top marks, start volunteering with church, make good friends on my course. I can feel my perfectionist streak coming out. 

For the first time in over 6 months I made myself sick. About an hour ago. I ate too much, then suddenly I realised no one was watching me. No one here knows my past, and my problems with bulimia. I have a freakin' en suite. It was so easy. 
University is hard. I haven't even started lectures and I already feel overwhelmed and out of control. I got on to the cheerleading team though :)


This week I have broken so many of my own morals. I had a one night stand with a guy my friend is in love with. I drank too much. I made myself sick. 


I think I deserve a pat on the back haha.

Hello, welcome to fat arse anon. You may join.

GUYS. I HAVE GONE UP A JEAN SIZE. I have also appeared to have acquired a less than flattering pot belly and a complementary 5lbs. Add to that a coach potato attitude and I'm well on the way to be being OOOBBEEESEEE. Okay that's an exaggeration. STILL. Yuck. 

I go to university in a week. I DON'T want to go feeling this horrid about myself. I KNOW restricting isn't a long term solution, so I think I just need to up my exercise (this week I've done nothing).

Urgh my life is falling down around me, All the things I decided I don't want to do (not getting drunk, not sleeping around, not restricting) all seem so flippin appealing right now.

I'm failing.

Bingeday Wednesday.

Today I had a binge relapse. I haven't binged like today in a decent amount of time. So in this post I want to discuss some personal triggers. First just a taste of what I binged on: 
A TON of marshmallows. Like half a bag.
3 chocolate bars.
2 packets of crisps.
toast.
yoghurt.
Well you get the picture, there was quite a lot more than that it's all just piled up into mindless eating.


So what are my triggers?


1. CHANGE. Lots of different types of changes throw my eating. I notice I binge more after holidays, if I'm staying in a different house, if my routine changes (new job, change in family dynamics etc.) Now I can't control these changes so what can I do? How can I prepare myself?


2. BOREDOM: Oh my goodness when I'm bored I can EAT. It's just mindless grabbing from the fridge. I think that was why I overate today. I literally sat around doing nothing watching trash on TV. 


3. STRESS: Family stress, friend stress, work stress..you get the picture.




So I would say these are my top three triggers. I could really do with some tips on how to stop the binges and carry on eating in a normal, healthy way. Thanks lovelies!

I appear to be back.

I know I said in my last post a few months ago that I was saying goodbye to this blog but I just can't stay away! I've been reading a lot of your blogs and thinking of my blogger friends. So, how has my life been going? Let's categorise! Fun fun fun!

Eating disorder
My eating has been, well, very straight forward! I know I'm eating enough (if not a little too unhealthy). I weigh myself most days just to check I'm stable. I still enjoy jogging but the last few weeks I've had a break as I've had family over and been away. But now I'm back I feel very anxious to increase my exercise. I have also been having ED thoughts in the last week about cutting down. Luckily, I KNOW that I can't go back there. This doesn't mean I won't relapse at some point in my future (I go to uni in a month and feel this will be a triggering time) but I know overall, I will never get back to the point I was. This food journey has been 3 years, I'm so ready to move on. 


Mental Health
I've taken some great steps forward in healing old wounds, especially about the sexual abuse episodes I went through. About 3 weeks ago I had my final meet up with my mentor totally opened up. I told her things I never thought I would let out. Those secrets we put in a box lock up and know if we told anyone the world would explode (FYI, it didn't). Occasional episodes of insomnia but nothing major, and nothing I can't handle. 


I'm really resisting those eating disordered thoughts at the moment. I would love to be 10lbs less, but in the long run if I did loose those 10lbs I wouldn't be any happier. 


I won't be posting a lot just whenever I feel like getting thoughts out. Hope you're all well!
xx