I shall never be skinny. Time to accept.

I shall never be underweight. I shall never reach the weight I want to. I shall never have poker thin legs. I shall never be the thinnest. It isn't in my genes, or my bone structure, I'm a woman so I have hips and a bum. So what? Does that make me a bad person? No. Does having cellulite make me less of a person than you? No. Judge me by how I act not how many calories I eat a day.

I'm standing up against my eating disorder. I am not defined by a number, I am defined by who I am and what I do.

How the date went.

The date.

Started as the majority of dates start, a little awkwardly, but it soon warmed up as we walked around my city, and ended up in a secluded bar. He's clever, HOT, ambitious and has a sense of humour (plus he can kiss good teehee). But the weird thing is I have no feelings about it. I don't care if he texts, I don't care if he doesn't. He did text, and I am staying at his next week. This is another thing, I don't really care about what is going to happen. We will probably have sex. I don't care. I'm in a very promiscuous mood, and as awful as it is I am probably using him for sex. Judge me if you want, I'm just being honest.

Recently I thought about why I'm so...well....messed up. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me. I have a stable family. I have had a good education and am physically healthy. So why the hell am I so down? Why did I develop bulimia? Why do I do stuff which I know will mess me up later? WHY AM I SO SELF DESTRUCTIVE? I can blame no one but myself. This is my fault, I can't blame any experience in my life. It's my own selfish, attention seeking self. 

I really dislike me.   

not that bothered about life.

I can tell I'm in self destruct mode at the moment. I don't care about meal plans. I don't care about looking after myself. I don't care about self respect. I'm just sleeping around and drinking. I'm neglecting my family and my real friends. If life was a piece of homework, I'd get a 'D' at the moment.

Sooo as I promised some updated pictures of me, I will probably delete them in a few weeks time depending on how my paranoia treats me! I just looked through my photos and I can't find any I like sooo maybe not!! I'll put up pictures when I find some I don't mind. 

QUESTION TIME!

What do I wear to a date which will include ice skating and maybe shopping? 

I hate meal plans.

Meal plans are so difficult, to write and to keep to.
Today's intake:
Breakfast: 30g ready brek with water. (120C)
Lunch: Light Caesar salad (174C)
Dinner: Chicken caserole with rice (600ish)
Snack: Yoghurt (190C)
Total: 1083. That makes me feel very fat.

My work is going okay, I am slowly getting to know the job and I got a chance to chat to some of the other people today which was progress!
I have a date on Sunday! Oooohhhhhh crap I'm scared...I don't tend to make a great first impression and I haven't been on a first date for literally a year.

I think I have the wrong life goals. My goal at the moment is to make everything perfect. To improve everything. This is an UNREALISTIC goal, because life is never perfect. So I think my new life goal is to be content with what is happening, and not constantly trying to change everything. At the moment what I expect from life is: uni degree, work, marriage, kids. All before 30. But being realistic this probably won't happen, it might, but if it doesn't I can be just as happy!

Next post I am going to give you some photo updates :)

Loosing the will to type.

I have got a major case of the 'can't be bothered'. I have started about 5 blog posts and deleted them all half way through. So, I'll update you (if I have any readers left) on my past week.

I started my new job last week, I enjoy the actual work and being so busy, but the people...well..they seem a little cold and intimidating. I chatted to a few, but I can't be myself around them yet. In a moment of bravery I agreed to going to the Christmas meal which means I also have to take part in secret santa...crap. The boss is also the most scary person I have ever met. On first day, nay, my first hour I witnessed her shout at 4 different people. Wow.

I appear to be loosing weight. Not really on purpose. Just...my appetite has decreased. My daily intake is generally : a yoghurt, some soup, dinner, then a snack. I don't know, I just don't really feel like eating. Oh that reminds me I've quit counselling. Toooooo much effort!

So a few posts ago I asked you lovely girls for some dating advice, it worked! I went out partying and met a cute guy who I am going on a date with this week. Exciting stuff! Fingers crossed it goes well please.

I NEED SOME WRITING INSPIRATION.

New plan: DO NOT HAVE A PLAN.

My new 'life plan' is to NOT HAVE A PLAN! I'm trying really hard not to over think everything . This includes: my food intake, my exercise, my appearance, how my personality comes across etc etc. So to start my plan I'm not going to care that these pictures have nothing to do with this post and just enjoy them!

Triggers and questions on how to be single and date.

Last night I figured out another sad trigger. My old 6th form friends. We went out for a catch up dinner and I just felt inadequate and fat. I ended up in the bathroom purging dinner. I think it must be because my 6th form is where the eating disorder fully developed so I connect it with those ED feelings. I need to sort that out because I want to see my old friends and feel fine with myself.

Now. Questions on how to be single and date.
As a newly single girl, who hasn't really dated before (I either go straight into a relationship with a friend or just have one night things) I need some advice. How the hell do you find guys to date??? Where are these creatures? I have one lead which I hope will work - a work friend has a friend who is single (and a model) and she thinks we would go well together. I'll keep you updated. I just need some dating practise, get to terms with good dating etiquette, it's such a weird world. Any first date tips or tips on how to find dates would be much appreciated!

One good, one bad.

Let's get the negative out the way, we broke up, and it hurts. I miss him, but I know I've done the right thing. He wasn't good for me or my self esteem. And here I am, single again :) Here is the problem, his best friend is being REALLY inappropriate. Like telling me he loves me, that I mean a lot to him and just being really overly protective and weird. I don't know what to do.

NOW...the positive....I got a new job! In an amazing lingerie shop! It's only a Christmas job but the person told me there are openings for permanent jobs in January. It's part time so I'm finally going to have time to do all the gap year stuff I wanted to do.

Weight wise, I don't know what's going on, I need to get myself to the gym, but my food intake isn't too bad, I could really do with loosing 5lbs (but I could always do with loosing 5lbs!)

Thank you so much for the comments, they brighten my dark moments.

Break up day.

This evening I am going to break up with Him. Last night was the last straw.

We went out for a meal for his birthday which was a few days ago. It felt like we had nothing to talk about, it was just awkward. I asked if he wanted to go out for drinks after he said he had work to do. At the end of the date he told me him and his flat mates were going to watch a movie and I was invited, wow, funny kind of work. I just cant put up with him any more. I hadn't seem him for 2 weeks, he NEVER calls, and the only method of communication is text, and he only sends a couple a day. That's not a relationship.

But I'm scared, last night in bed I just cried and cried. I know it's silly but I'm really going to miss him. He is the only guy I've ever liked this much, and I'm just dreading after the break up, but I know I deserve more.

God I'm nervous.

That feeling of dread in your stomach.

I had an interview today for a job I REALLY wanted. They said they would get back to me tonight if I had it. It's not past 8, and I've got that sinking feeling in my stomach. I thought I'd done well in the interview, I felt confident. Now I feel defeated. I've never wanted a job so bad. Oh well. Welcome to the real world.
Your comments always uplift me by the way, it amazes me that people still read my ramblings with no structure.

Sooo it looks like I'm going to be staying at the job from hell. Oh well. At least the hours are so much that I eat less. Positive thinking. Pah.

Boy update: I get to see boy twice this week, lucky me!

Sometimes, I really like those scales.

I woke up and decided, if I weigh less than x amount I am allowed golden syrup on my porridge, if I way more than x I'm not. So I hopped on the scale (I haven't weighed myself for like 5 days) and I seemed to have lost 2 lbs without trying! This brought a rather large smile to my face.

So my last post was basically a rant about boy, but I'm not going to make this post about him, but basically, I'm giving it 3 weeks, if things haven't changed I'm ending it.

I have a question for you....how do you like sales assistants to act, and what do you really not like them doing.

Super short post I know!