Happiness comes before money.

I hate my job. It SUCKS. The only reason I'm still there is because I am broke and need to pay rent. I am however searching for a new job, with less hours. I'm giving out CV's today (fingers crossed please everyone!) There is this one girl that drives me mad (normally I am very patient and don't get irritated by much). She says at least 3 times a day "I shouldn't be working here I have a degree." She basically acts like the queen of the shop even though she's only been there 2 weeks and her sales figures are low.
I'm going for a job at a different jewellery shop which is soo lovely. I REALLY want this job. I'm going to go and give in my CV really enthusiastically.

It's the boyfriends birthday in a week and I need card ideas! I have already brought him tickets for his favourite piano composer (Ludovico Einauldi) and I'm taking him out for a meal. BUT what about the card?! I want to make one, I'm thinking maybe a funny collage of bad pictures of us together (we mostly take bad pictures). Thoughts?

Food wise things are going slowly. I am eating 3 meals and a snack in the evening. Yesterday was:
Breakfast: 30g ready brek with sultanas.
Lunch: a pear, a banana, a small chocolate bar.,
Dinner: Beef caserole.
Evening snack: 2 packets of crisps (embarrassed).
I don't really know what to do about my weight. I don't want to mega restrict, but I do want to loose weight. I think I will up my exercise routine and have healthier snacks!

Mrs D Mrs I Mrs FF I Mrs C Mrs U Mrs LTY!

Today I stabilized my intake a little:

Breakfast: Porridge with golden syrup.

Lunch: a pear, a ryvita, a yoghurt.

Dinner: Risotto. 

Snacks: Packet of crisps, 2 ryvita's, mine pie.

Actually, scratch that, that's BAD intake. Yuck. 

I'm being reckless at the moment. Not just reckless with my self, but with other people. I'm neglecting important friendships, giving out my number to any random hot guy that asks (yes I am still with my boyfriend, yes I am a whore.) I'm being reckless with what I'm saying (I'm being a bit of a bitch at work, I KNOW I KNOW, it only reflects badly on me.) PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER BATTLE!

I hate being 18. Suddenly so much more is expected of me. I still feel about 12.

On a bloody brilliant note, I've slept fantastically for the last 2 nights, it's so nice to sleep well without meds.

 

SOMEONE TAKE THE FOOD AWAY.

PLEASE. CAN.SOMEONE. TAKE. AWAY. THE. FOOD.Binge. Binge. Binge.

I'm going to shame myself and just be honest at my intake today (those who are disgusted easily, stop reading now!)
Breakfast1: cookie crisp cereal.
Breakfast 2 (told you it was bad: Costa breakfast bagel (600c, just to disgust you all more).
Lunch: 2 J2O's, a turkey and cranberry wrap, a massive mars muffin.
Dinner: Indian takeaway.


I'm disgusting. And here is the proof (do we really need more proof?!)

Last night my boyfriend said, "You should get a boob job, then you'd be in proportion. Your hips and top half would be even." Yes, I know my thighs are huge. Yes I know I have a muffin top. Yes. I know. I'm fat. Told you.

I'm taking Tamazepam (tranquilliser/anti depressant) just to get away from things. I can't face crying tonight. I stayed at my boyfriends last night, woke up at 3:00am, and just burst into tears, everything is a little overwhelming at the moment. 

Building up after the breakdown and a confusing counsellor.

Yesterday I got SO ANGRY. But luckily instead of letting it eat me up and me just seething inside, I rang my mentor. She has NEVER heard me loose it, but I'm just so sick of everything I vented big time. Lots of swearing, tears and general anger. Afterwards she said "I'm actually really proud you let your barriers down so much, I've never heard you be so truthful, you should be proud." I was also venting about an issue I haven't brought up on here before: my church. I feel like I'm being judged by them for having sex and drinking.

Weight:  I'm at the same weight I was yesterday, which would normally annoy me but it's okay, because at least weight isn't coming on.

Food for today: 
Breakfast (I messed up) : a pack of rolo's.
Lunch: diet coke.
Dinner: Jacket potato with beans.

My counsellor said something yesterday which confused/challenged me. Basically I was telling her about my history of ED, and how I always end up slipping back in to my old ED habits. She said something along these lines "You have the choice to start cutting back, you have the choice to ignore it and carry on, so you also have the choice to NOT cut back and NOT carry on." She made it seem as simple as that. Hmmm.....

First impression

Apparently the impression people get from me is "snobby, prim and proper." Someone told me when we first met she thought she would hate me. She said "Maybe it's your hair, or maybe your earrings...a lot of people thought the same as me". what the hell? And the thing is, other people have told me this before. This isn't the person I want to portray. Back to square one.

Food
Breakfast: Ryvita with marmalade.
Lunch: Coffee.
Dinner: what ever the family has.

I have managed to keep the 4lbs off, and am now at a 'not immediately going to kill myself because of scales' weight.

To do today:
Driving lesson (stay off the roads! You've been warned).
Counselling.
Meet up with friend for coffee.
Give out CV's.
Don't cry.

Sometimes life is good, sometimes life is not.

So time to expand. First food. I got up to 'the weight' that number you see and scream. Luckily I've lost 4lbs since 'the weight'. Yesterday I ate a ryvita and a cookie. And drank: 2 diet cokes, and about 12 cocktails (I know, I know they are calorific but I was out on a night with a work colleague.) I have to loose another 3lbs before I'm in the range of not panicking.

A job update - I am now searching for a new job. I'm staying at my current job until I get a new one. I'm super stressed about it all.

As mentioned earlier I was out with a lovely work colleague last night. She is leaving the job in 3 weeks. We got very drunk and I was totally on the look out for a guy. I gave my number to a bar tender to texted me later. 'But wait!' I hear you say 'what about the boyfriend?!' The boyfriend is failing. Big time. He is crap. I haven't seen him for two weeks and I haven't kissed him for a month. He is loosing me. He is pushing me away. I refuse to be treated like this. I've set my date - if he hasn't improved by the set date he's out of here.

And the job hunt and restricting starts again.

My job is mad. This is my gap year and I DON'T want to be working 45 hours+ per week, I'm too tired to do all the other things I wanted to. Plus my boss is awful. Sooo tomorrow I'm going to start looking again (all cross your fingers for me!)

I'm restricting. I have to, I'm so huge and uncomfortable. Sooo yoghurt for breakfast, small salad (no dressing) for lunch, normal dinner. Whatever.

Boys are stupid by the way. Just to let you all know.


Sorry for the super short post.

Marya Hornbacher - husband's story.

I just saw this article and found it very interesting! After reading 'Wasted' many times, reading this article by her husband is quite interesting. It shows how hard it is to get rid of the thoughts, and how much strength it takes for us to ignore them:

A computer engineer, Jeff is married to writer Marya Hornbacher. Her autobiographical book on anorexia, Wasted, was published when she was 24. Today, aged 33, she weighs 7 stone 4lb at 5 ft 3in. They live in Minneapolis.

It seems to be a pattern for me - being attracted to vulnerable, yet very strong women. I didn't know that Marya had an eating disorder when we met - but I thought she was pretty thin. Yes, I'm probably attracted to that, too. I would still love Marya if she was fat, but I could never see that happening.

Marya had been married and divorced, and I was separated. I found out at the end of my first marriage that my wife had been secretly bulimic the whole time, and several of my ex-girlfriends have suffered from anorexia.

I met Marya through friends. We went out a few times and one day she gave me a copy of Wasted, her book about her eating disorder. I stayed up all night reading it, I was intrigued. I'm a bleeding soul - I wanted to help her.

We had a whirlwind romance, and got married six months after we met. That was five years ago. We have a ton of common interests: we like to read, travel, we're both really into the arts - museums, theatre, intellectual discussion, and politics. We love being around each other, probably more so than other couples.

When we met, I thought that Marya had essentially recovered from her eating disorder, though I was aware that there was always a little struggle going on. Marya always suffers from an eating disorder - it's just better or worse for a period.

In the beginning, we'd go on and on for hours:

'You've got to eat this.'

'No, it's unhealthy and I'm fat.'

'No, you're thin.'

'Am I as thin as this woman walking by?'

'Yeah.'

'No I'm not, my jeans are tighter.'

'Fine, your jeans are tighter.'

'So now you're saying I am fat?'

It was painful. She is super-smart. Somehow, she would get me to say: 'OK then, it's better if you don't eat.' It's taken me four years to figure out my strategy. Now if I see her dieting I say: 'That's your choice', or I keep quiet. This is the best thing to do - it snaps her out of it.

Marya also has bipolar disorder, which was probably the cause of the eating disorder. Eating disorders are all about control, and in Marya's case her bipolar is the one thing she can't fully control, even though she's on pills three times a day.

Over the years, when the bipolar would flare up, Marya would have to go into hospital and I would take care of the house and our five pets. It was a lot to do and I was a martyr, never asking for help. We both became too co-dependent. I would shut down, withdraw and pull away from her mentally and physically, which made her bipolar worse. Our relationship was suffering, which made Marya's eating disorder more severe.

We reached a point where we had to separate. Our separation was definitely a catalyst for the eating disorder - I think the anorexia was Marya's coping mechanism. She lost weight - she was well under 100 pounds - but she kept saying she was fat. Things got so bad, she was hospitalised for her anorexia. She had been in and out of hospital for the bipolar, but this time it was really alarming: visiting an eating disorder ward is brutal. Some of the patients are ravaged. They're fiftysomething, they've been anorexic for 40 years, and they look like living skeletons. To see your wife like that is heartbreaking. You feel powerless. But seeing her on the ward actually helped me - I finally realised there was nothing that I can do about her anorexia.

We went to marriage counselling, and I went into psychotherapy to learn how to deal with all these issues. My father was an alcoholic and I grew up in a verbally abusive environment. I worked out that was part of why I shut down - that's my reaction to adversity. My therapy helped me to realise this, while Marya has learnt not to be too dependent.

We have found that if we work through an issue openly it doesn't trigger either one of us, but if there's any secrecy, it just promotes the bad issues within both of us. We got back together last year and I know we'll stay together. I no longer feel I need to 'fix' her.

I have learnt how to back off. If, for example, I eat a big lunch, and don't feel like eating dinner, Marya then feels like she can't eat dinner, and that's an immediate mental and physical trigger. Any time an anorexic doesn't eat, there is that trigger - it's like a high for a drug addict. If I came home with a bag of chips and ate the whole thing, it would trigger her. I have to walk a fine line - I have to pay attention to what I eat. I have to eat healthily and consistently.

What used to happen was we'd buy a bunch of crap and eat it and then feel ill. Then for days Marya would moan, 'Oh I'm fat, I ate all those calories, I can't eat for the next three days', and it would start a vicious circle. Now I guard against anything like that.

The hospital puts Marya on a strict schedule of what to eat and when to eat and I need to follow that, too. I certainly can't go into McDonald's, for example. It's probably good for me in the long run. Some of her food is too healthy for me though - it revolts me.

We tend to travel a lot which can throw a wrench into things - we like gourmet restaurants and if we go out for dinner and eat, say, duck confit, Marya loves it, but then she will struggle the next day. Recently we went out and ate some rich food. Marya thinks she gained three or four pounds and that is genuinely tragic for her. She has to lose it one way or another. Once in a while she over-exercises. We just signed up to a gym, which is fine as long as she doesn't overdo it.

For m

Little food and fabulous job.

My job is AWESOME, I love it! I love sales and really get on with the people I work with. Today I made enough sales for my boss to be really happy. Today was a little hectic - went to work for 12, finished my shift at 6:30 with only a half an hour break, then went straight to my second job (tutoring). Luckily I am getting enough sleep to have the energy to get me through.
HOWEVER
my job keeps me on my feet all day. And I love not eating too much on these busy days, because I just forget I'm hungry. Today I had: 30g ready brek oats with water. a side salad from subway with no dressing. 1 ryvita. Chicken dinner thing. So total cals, around: 573.

Counselling went really well, I already trust and like the woman, she's really friendly and super easy to talk to.

Life is good!

Counselling time.

I have my first counselling session tomorrow. I can't even remember why I'm going. I'm so stupid - what was I thinking?? I'm being too indulgent to let myself go to counselling. What am I going to even say?! I feel sad. I don't no why. That's it! Obviously there is the stuff with my parents (refer to last post) but isn't that normal teenage stuff?

Yesterday my boyfriend gave me a dilemma - not a bad one, just a dilemma. This is how the conversation went
Boyfriend (let's shorten it to B: "Ellie...I've got a question, and I need you to answer it by tomorrow. Do you want to come to Canada with me for a week next Summer?" (We have a friend that moved there).
Me: urm..wow...what?!
B: It's £430 for flights, and I want to go at the end of June.
Me: Hell Yes!!
B: Great, I'm booking tickets tomorrow
At this point in the conversation I suddenly realised that we would be going in 9 months time. Me and B have only been together 3 months and there is NO guarantee we will be together in 9 months time. If he broke up with me, a 20 hour flight with him would be hell. I really couldn't do it. SOOOOO I chickened out. I've decided if we are still going out 2 months before I will just book a ticket myself. Did I make the right decision?

One of the reasons I thought we might not be together in 9 months is because of how things have been between us recently (prepare yourself for a jealous girlfriend paragraph). B has just started uni, and is sharing a flat with a really nice girl called SJ. I like her, but he talks about her SO much. I ask him what he's been up to "ohhh me and SJ stayed up till 5 just chatting" urmmm...what?! And I know that she's his type. Luckily she has a boyfriend.      I just re read that paragraph and it sounds so silly.

Okay, enough moaning for now, hope you're all having a good Monday!!