Just plain ANGRY.

Searching for a job is so bloody tiring. Today I have out roughly one million CV'S. And I got offered a job! At Ann Summers, as a party organiser. (For those of you who don't know, Ann Summers is a shop that sells lingerie and sex toys, but not like a cheap gross shop - it's actually really nice). I got home, told my parents and they went MAD. My mum was angry I had even been in there. She did the whole "I'm so disappointed in you" speech. They aren't letting me take the job. I'm 18 for God's sake. I need freedom. They are trapping me. I can't breath. And you know what I do when I feel trapped? I restrict. I find my freedom through controlling my food. Fuck this. I give up.

Losing Style.

I appear to have lost my Writing Style (if I ever had any.) My writing is too here and there, it changes it's mind every few seconds. What to do? What to do? Well write another post of course!

I am not sure if this blog is an 'eating disorder blog' any more. I am very happy to say that my eating schedule is positively normal! I eat all three meals, and although my bum and thighs wobble far too much, and although sometimes I do say to myself "Screw it, today I'm not eating," I recognise that this is silly and unhelpful and go and eat a chocolate bar!

Now, something interesting happened yesterday, pay attention all (well, you don't really need to, it's not that interesting!) I have been very irritable in the last month, my sleeping pattern has messed itself up, I feel angry and upset a lot. Yesterday my parents called me on it. Mum sat me down, and asked me what is wrong. Me being the angsty teenager I am, got very annoyed and just told her "I'm TIRED Mum, that's ALL, leave me ALONE." She persisted. And I broke. Told her how down I've been feeling. How I don't know why I'm irritable. How I'm scared about my gap year and all my friends leaving. Just talking (and crying) helped. She says that I need to get off my lazy bum, because watching TV all day will not help (of course she said it nicer than this.)

I also told the Boyfriend about how I was feeling low, he sent me a text saying "Come outside". He was outside. With 12 red roses. My day improved remarkably. *sigh*

Questions:
1. Has anyone read "The Edible Woman"? Is it any good?
2. How do you get out of a low period?

Letting go of the secret.

Sometimes letting go of a secret can be so freeing. Yesterday I went round to my boyfriends and we had SUCH a good time. I told him about my haunting memory (previous post) and how it was affecting me. I told him that I need to take things slow so I can relax. He was brilliant. Really understanding, he said I should go to counselling, he even offered to take me. I am completely falling for him. I think I love him. (I've never loved a guy, so it's quite a big deal for me to say this).

My food intake this last week has been good! I'm eating three healthy meals a day, and a snack. I'm going to the gym three times a week. I'm gunna get FIT!

Today is the first day of the gap year! Today I'm just relaxing, easing myself in hehe. Tomorrow I'm handing out more CV'S and this week I hear from my first possible job lead.

Question:
1. What would you do with a gap year?

Haunting memories?

I have a memory that is haunting me. It won't go away. And now I'm getting side affects to this memory.

Let me expand. When I was younger, about 11 my brother's friend did stuff to me when I didn't want him to. It wasn't rape, but it was close. I still feel like this was my fault.

Well here is the problem. Whenever me and my boyfriend start to...do stuff, this memory comes back and it's all I can think about. It makes any intimacy difficult.

So how do I get rid of this problem? Burn the memory? How can I block it out?



Question:
1. What are your best interview tips?

Home for good.

Yesterday I returned from my final holiday. I'm so glad to be home, I've missed my friends!
So the birthday was fun, went out for a delicious meal, opened presents etc. Thanks so much for all the birthday messages!
After 3 LONG weeks I was reunited with the boyfriend :D For my birthday he got me a beautiful pearl and sapphire necklace. We then went to my best friend's BBQ, and she had brought me champagne and made me a 3 tiered cake! I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends.

Got a very exciting week ahead, going to go around shops and give out my CV tomorrow (any tips are welcome!) Then going shopping. On Tuesday I'm meeting my cousins girlfriend for the first time which will be fun. Then Wednesday the boyfriend is taking me out for a meal. And Friday is sushi day with my friends!!


Food wise I'm not feeling great. My mind is in LOOSE WEIGHT mode. Sorry for the random post - just getting back into the swing of things.

It's my birthday :D

Today I turn 18. I survived 18 years. I'm proud of that achievement.


LOVE
xxx

Cornwall and an issue with Mother.

Right now I am sitting in the holiday house on my own. The rest of the family has gone to the beach but I fancied some down time, and what better to do than blog?

Yesterday my mum said "Let's go for a walk, burn off those cals." She says things like this every now and the and it annoys me! I pointed out to her how it's not good for my younger sister to be brought up thinking that it's normal to have to "burn off cals" or "burn off dinner". Was I being over sensitive? Does it really matter if my sister hears these things?

My mum said something else which I have an issue with. "Ellie, we have different body shapes, you're more...curvy, like one of those Greek statues." For some reason, this really bugged me. It's her way of saying that I'm 'bigger' than her. She didn't mean it in a malicious way, but it really cut me. I can't wait to get back to the gym.

A decision. I'm not confident enough to let my boyfriend see me naked. So, I will tone up then will. I'm too scared of what he might think. The last time we went out I was 8-9lbs less.


My brain is screwing me up.