Home for good.

Yesterday I returned from my final holiday. I'm so glad to be home, I've missed my friends!
So the birthday was fun, went out for a delicious meal, opened presents etc. Thanks so much for all the birthday messages!
After 3 LONG weeks I was reunited with the boyfriend :D For my birthday he got me a beautiful pearl and sapphire necklace. We then went to my best friend's BBQ, and she had brought me champagne and made me a 3 tiered cake! I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends.

Got a very exciting week ahead, going to go around shops and give out my CV tomorrow (any tips are welcome!) Then going shopping. On Tuesday I'm meeting my cousins girlfriend for the first time which will be fun. Then Wednesday the boyfriend is taking me out for a meal. And Friday is sushi day with my friends!!


Food wise I'm not feeling great. My mind is in LOOSE WEIGHT mode. Sorry for the random post - just getting back into the swing of things.

It's my birthday :D

Today I turn 18. I survived 18 years. I'm proud of that achievement.


LOVE
xxx

Cornwall and an issue with Mother.

Right now I am sitting in the holiday house on my own. The rest of the family has gone to the beach but I fancied some down time, and what better to do than blog?

Yesterday my mum said "Let's go for a walk, burn off those cals." She says things like this every now and the and it annoys me! I pointed out to her how it's not good for my younger sister to be brought up thinking that it's normal to have to "burn off cals" or "burn off dinner". Was I being over sensitive? Does it really matter if my sister hears these things?

My mum said something else which I have an issue with. "Ellie, we have different body shapes, you're more...curvy, like one of those Greek statues." For some reason, this really bugged me. It's her way of saying that I'm 'bigger' than her. She didn't mean it in a malicious way, but it really cut me. I can't wait to get back to the gym.

A decision. I'm not confident enough to let my boyfriend see me naked. So, I will tone up then will. I'm too scared of what he might think. The last time we went out I was 8-9lbs less.


My brain is screwing me up.

50 things to do UPDATED.

I have now crossed off some of the things on my list! I've been on a gondola in Venice, I've met a fisherman and eaten fish with them, I've slept under the stars on a beach, I've gone skinny dipping at midnight in Majorca and I've passed my A levels and got into university.

Next I want to send a letter in a bottle, make a three tiered cake, learn yoga, have a spa day and eat sushi.

This next year (my gap year)I'm doing lots of the things on my list, and I'm EXCITED!


1. Become bilingual...we all know I want to speak French, nothing new there.
2. Buy a plane ticket for the next day for somewhere....anywhere, on my own.
3. Go and watch the London Olympics in 2012.
4. Face my fear and SKYDIVE.
5. Walk (some of) the great wall of China.
6. Go on a gondola in Venice.
7. Make a three tiered cake.
8. Create my family tree.
9. Go to a Spain, make friends with a fisherman and eat fresh fish with them.
10. Go on a hot air balloon.
11. Scuba dive in the barrier reef.
12. Grow my own vegetable patch.
13. Send Christmas in a beach drinking Pina Colada's.
14. Sleep under the stars on a beach.
15. Go back to Yosemite.
16. Fall completely and utterly in love.
17. Spend New Year's eve partying in New York.
18. Send a message in a bottle.
19. Learn to make cocktails.
20. Go skinny dipping at midnight in Majorca.
21. Swim with dolphins.
22. Learn to ballroom dance properly.
23. Sit on a jury.
24. Fly first class.
25. Have a child.
26. Have a coffee on the sidewalk in Paris.
27. Take a picture of the Mona Lisa in the Louvre.
28. Buy 12 roses...for myself.
29. Have sex with someone I REALLY love and who loves me back.
30. Pass my A levels so I get into university.
31. Buy a sari from India.
32. Live in America, New Zealand and France for at least a year each.
33. Own a piece of diamond jewellery.
34. Donate to a charity anonymously.
35. Learn yoga.
36. Stay up all night.
37. Eat Sushi at a sushi bar.
38. Become someone's mentor.
39. Spend an entire day naked.
40. Get an article in a paper or magazine published.
41. Camp in the desert.
42. Go a year without watching TV.
43. Cook Christmas diner for my family.
44. Be an extra in a TV show.
45. Watch the cheese rolling competitions in Gloucestershire.
46. Go and watch the Eurovision Song Contest.
47. Have a spa day.
48. Drink abesynthe.
49. Get my teeth whitened.
50. Learn to ski.

Positive post time :)

Today I got an email which could not of come at a more perfect time. It was from....me. There is this amazing website called FutureMe, where you email yourself a letter for however many years time. I received one which I sent a year ago, when I got back from Christian Camp. It was entitled 'Eat'

Dear FutureMe,
I hope that in a years time you're still eating properly, I know its hard.
I have jst come back from soul survivor, and am feeling way better, but I know that old eating habits can come back, just try and remeber how much HAPPIER you are if you eat properly, good luck, I hope you are eating well, and are healthy.
P.S Jesus delights in you always.


Thinking back to last years camp makes me realise my progress. Last camp I ate only 2 biscuits over 5 days. This year, although I over ate, I didn't feel overly hateful of myself, and understood that to get through the week I needed to feed myself. I feel PROUD of myself. Recovery is slow, and sometimes feels non existent, but it's so worth it. I have bad days and good days, but looking back to last Summer, this Summer has been SO much better.


Your thoughts on my questions made me laugh so much, I LOVED the rabbit answers.

Questions:

1. What would you say to yourself in one year's time?
2. If you could choose a way everyone greeted each other, what would it be (hugging/kissing/doing a head stand etc.)

Christian Camp. DONE.

Christian camp was... interesting. I really wish I could say I had a good week...but that would be lying so... the truth? I had a really bad time. I completely isolated myself and felt so miserable and had so little energy. I cried every day, and just felt so messed up.

So why did I feel so bad? Guilt. For one night stands, having sex with my boyfriend, drinking, being greedy and feeling fat. I know God doesn't want me to feel guilty, and forgives me, but the guilt is eating. me. up.

I don't know what to do about anything. My life is falling apart at the seams. I have no idea what to do in this next year, I don't know if I want to stay with my boyfriend, I can't understand my body, and I have no grasp on controlling my food intake ( binging big time). A level results come on Thursday which I am FREAKING OUT about. I'm 18 in less than 2 weeks, which feels scary because I don't want to grow up. I can't deal.

RANT RANT RANT that's all I do these days!! Someone fancy picking me out of this silly black hole?


Question:
1. Any suggestions of how to get out of a dark patch?
2. Why don't rabbits have helicopters?

I could really use a wish right now..

The boyfriends gone to China. Only for 3 weeks, but I feel So. Damn. Lonely.

I can't stop binging.

This time last year I was a stone less.


Okay, okay enough of the silly depressing sounding sentences. Basically I'm not in a great place. It's not a terrible place, I've felt much worse, but my mind isn't a pleasant place to be at the moment.

A quick question - am I weird? Does any one else get this - Many nights I wake up and am struck with fear. I have no reason for this fear, but I feel so, so scared that I can't move, I'm too scared to move, I just lie with my fingers in my ears really still, even if I'm boiling hot. I get a feeling of foreboding like something terrible is about to happen. It wares off after about half an hour to an hour and I get back to sleep. Does this happen to anyone else?

My parents are thinking of inviting my Grandma to Cornwall with us on holiday. I really hope they don't. My Grandma likes to direct snide comments at me, I only normally see her for an afternoon so I can deal with them, but for a week? No way. I really couldn't.

I loved hearing about all the things you are thankful for!

A problem shared is a problem halved.

I went to see my mentor 2 days ago, it was so useful. Just getting a problem out, talking about it, seems to help clear my head a bit. At the end of the session we always say 5 things we are thankful for (cheesy I know!) and doing this made me realise that I do have so many good things in my life.

I've been keeping myself busy these last few days, seeing my friends and my boyfriend a lot so I can't isolate myself. Tonight is a friends birthday and we are all going out for a night on the town, so I'm going to dance my troubles away!

Food news, been attempting to resume some sort of routine. Upped the size of my breakfast which helps me not binge at lunch and in the evening. Going to the gym also really helps my mood, not because of weight loss but because exercise is my way of getting rid of stress.

I'm uninspired in my blog at the moment, I know what I want to say but I don't know how. I feel like my writing has gotten flat.


Questions
1. What one or two things are you thankful for?

Diary update.

I have lost the ability to write. I don't know what to say. I don't comment on any of your blogs and the guilt is getting to me. Sorry.

So here is a proper update:

Today my food intake has been non existent so far: I had a smoothie for breakfast and a smoothie for lunch. I told my parents that I had a Mcdonalds when I went shopping so I only have to have a small dinner, then off to the gym to purge and work out. What a fun day!

On fantastic news: Everything is going well with the boyfriend. He's fantastic :) :)

Shopping today was utterly miserable, I had a massive row with my parents before and stormed out. I tried on like 100000 dresses and they all looked terrible. My body looks huge at the moment, in the mirror it looked like it had been stretched, it's gross. Then I went off to the clinic, I get the results in 2 weeks..eek!

I'm trying to keep myself busy at the moment so I don't have too much time to think. Tomorrow I have a big family birthday and everyone is coming round, so the smiling mask will be on. After that I'm having coffee with my mentor, thank God, I need to speak to someone. (I'm falling to pieces, a second ago I thought I was going to burst into tears, then started laughing, then got really angry....what|??!??!) Anyway, got a few parties and nights out coming up, along with lots of gym time.

I'm coming up to a very scary week next week. I go away on my annual camp with church. Last year I ate 1 rhyvita a day and fainted and kept having panic attacks. Being back there is going to be challenging. My mind is already in the "starve for a week" mindset.

This post was very here and there, sorry.


Thank you so much for the comments, I'm so sorry that I'm not replying, I'll try harder.

Venice..the beautiful city.

Venice was beautiful, cultural, lovely. The family got on relatively well, no massive fall outs.

Food is getting me down.

My body is gross.

I feel..

fat.

I am..

fat.

My body is...

embarrasing.

My thighs are...

scaring me.

Can someone...

chop fat off me.